AIBU that our friends are much richer than they've let on?

[richmanpoorman]

Long and weird one, that has completely split a friend group.
18 years ago we attended antenatal classes and met a lovely group of people. Out of 8 couples in the class, 5 have stayed in the same location and we’ve all become super close. We see each other all the time in big and small groups and go on a holiday once a year. The children are all very close.

Now all our oldest are 18 they’re all looking at university. The kids were all out having a drink and the subject of funding came up. They’re all doing a combination of loans plus parental contribution except one lad who drunkenly admitted that his parents have a fund for him and his younger sister, for university and house deposits, of around £850k.

Under any other circumstances this would have been none of our business… except for the last 18 years they’ve pleaded poverty. As a group we are all in a relatively comfortable situation, with the exception of this couple who despite quite impressive sounding jobs were very open about struggling financially with a big mortgage etc. Therefore we’ve all been really careful. Every time we’ve gone out for we pick a budget option. Every holiday has been planned based on the fact that they could only pay half what others could afford so we’ve spent 18 years staying in some pretty grim self catering places. In context, say they paid £500 for their share of the accommodation- another £500 (or even £250) from each couple would have been a nice upgrade holiday wise.

It turns out that they made a decision to only live on one income, and to totally save and invest the other income. Apparently they have just therefore never factored it into consideration as it went straight into various investment accounts, so they were technically broke as it wasn’t then easily accessible. One year we all actually paid for her son to attend rugby camp as they didn’t have the cash. It wasn’t a lot of money (£20 a day) but the audacity feels huge.

3 of the couples have stopped speaking to them. (Tbh it might have landed better if the last holiday self catering place hadn’t had been so totally grim, with the younger daughter of one of the families injuring herself due to some shoddy maintenance….)

DH and I are more on the fence. While as a group we all earn roughly the same we do come from different backgrounds- DH and I a more modest teacher/ nurse/ bookkeeper/ florist combo compared to some of the others who did have significant financial help early on in life. This early financial help is clear in the lives they live- with similar earnings we have a much smaller house, state schools etc. Family help early on has made a massive difference to the lives of some in the group. The couple in question have explained that they both come from very impoverished backgrounds, with a lot of financial insecurity. Good degrees and careers landed them in a group of friends where it was obvious the impact money had early in life (eg house deposits, no loans etc). So they made the decision to do that for their children. They’re not materialistic themselves so didn’t miss skiing/ nice clothes/ smart cars/ home decor etc, so they just decided to “hack” their kids into a fantastic start in life.

Our other friends argue that the impact of another £1-2k a year on a few nicer holidays and dinners etc wouldn’t have materially impacted the fund, and would have meant that we could have had better group experiences, plus there’s all the intangible stuff like not suggesting we stop for coffees because it felt uncomfortable that they wouldn’t get anything, and being careful talking about other spending in case it seemed insensitive.

I’m so upset. We had such a lovely group with such a strong bond and now it’s all a mess. We’re the only couple still talking to everyone which in itself is causing problems. I’m posting here because we’ve just been added to a group called “Skiing 2025” with all of the group except this couple, which seems pointed (because we’ve never even suggested skiing before because of the cost.)

The kids are upset. The son is deeply depressed that he started this and they’re trying to stay friends separately.

I suppose my AIBU is “am I being unreasonable to be pissed off that my friends were richer than they let on?” and more broadly what would people do?

Ps- I’m aware some of them are on Mumsnet….

I'd be really annoyed. It's one thing to be careful with money in order to help your children in future but another altogether to do so by pleading poverty to a point that their friends have been subsidising their son's activities unnecessarily.

Book a girls weekend away for everyone including the tight arsed friend. Hopefully they will get past the issue with time

Ok so they could have said you guys choose what holidays you like and we will come if we can afford it. But the others are acting like they’ve found out they murdered their elderly parents or something. It’s a great thing they’ve done for their kids. You all saved some money in the mean time.

Totally agree with this. They had a small budget for holidays BECAUSE they invested the rest/saved it- so what? are people only allowed to budget if they are on the breadline now?

They sound very sensible and unless they are expecting others to cover their costs or asking to borrow money off others I actually admire them greatly. Far more people spend on frivolous crap and end up in debt- they have been very wise. Sounds like utter jealousy to me that others haven't had the same self discipline.

It comes up a lot - people often say “I can’t afford X”, when what they really mean is “I don’t want to make X a spending priority”. And in this case, this couple have done this so much that they’ve given friends an entirely false impression. If they’d said they didn’t want to go on an expensive holiday because they didn’t want to spend their money on that, the others would have felt entirely free to go ahead themselves, rather than feeling it was somehow unkind or inappropriately to do so. And the rugby camp is unconscionable. I don’t think I’d feel the same about these friends again either. I completely understand why they’d want to save, but they’ve lied repeatedly (by omission if nothing else). And that’s hard to get over.

How are they massive grifters when there was one incident of them being paid for in 18 years, not initiated by them, and most of what people are annoyed about is that everyone did the cheaper option so they could afford their share? That’s not grifting! Massive grifters would have been if everyone had gone on the expensive holiday and subsidised them, but that’s not what happened.

Hmmm tricky one!
I would probably stay friends but stop with the accommodating behaviour from now on.
I can see why your friends are annoyed though friendships are supposed to be built on trust like any relationship. To pleed poverty rather then not be upfront. It's also a bit rubbish of them to hide it and almost get their 18 year old to hide it too.

It's probably best letting the annoyed ones cool off a bit before discussing it again.

I have a friend who pleads poverty in our friendship group it does erk a bit especially when it's I can't afford a meal out or I get a comment about booking a holiday etc. The whole group knows she isn't broke their household income is 100k before tax and they don't live in a huge house etc. We mostly now ignore it and just say what a shame maybe next time and then usually she decides she does want to come for a meal out after all!

I would be pretty put out. All those accommodations for them, that weren't necessary? Or that you were making without the full information?

And why the hell shouldn't people go skiing without them? If they "couldn't afford it" before, they can't afford it now!

This. Entirely this.

Gross.

It is the rugby camp that is the sticking point for me. Diabolical and unacceptable to expect people to subsidize things for your dc when you have the money, no matter what you do with it - savings, extra property etc.

I have a friend like this too. It is shocking what she gets away with, even trying to use the foodbank. They save thousands a month. They constantly plead poverty.

I feel for the 18 year old son more than anyone else in the story.

There’s been quite a few threads where an OP has said they are struggling on 100k due to a large mortgage/childcare/school fees/savings impacting their disposable income?

The vast majority of responses say they it’s an insult to say they are struggling…

They sound very sensible and unless they are expecting others to cover their costs or asking to borrow money off others I actually admire them greatly. Far more people spend on frivolous crap and end up in debt- they have been very wise. Sounds like utter jealousy to me that others haven't had the same self discipline.

Some posters really struggle with basic comprehension…

I think there's a difference between wanting to save money, and making out to your friends that you literally can't afford something, especially the rugby!! I'd be really pissed off too as they've lied for so long.

NC for this!

Your friends, the ones not talking to this family are totally out of order! Why should they tell you how much they have in savings? Just for context I have £60k in savings and have never told my sisters let alone my friends! It’s not a huge amount but it is to me. If they found out they would also think I was “lying by omission”. I will not waste my money on fancy dinners, nights out etc. just an example - recently my sister came over to visit for half term and when deciding on lunch plans I pushed for the cheaper option because why should I pay more for a meal when I can have a decent enough one cheaper? Myself and kids wear primark or supermarket brands whilst sister lives from pay check to pay check and spends every penny every month and to my knowledge has zero savings. She was shocked I have no credit cards when she herself has 2 cards.

if I was to tell her about my savings the following would happen (in my opinion):
a) she would think I’m boasting and make her feel bad as she’s a decade older and as far as I know has no savings
b) she would ask to borrow the money with the intention of paying me back but would never (from experience with a smaller amount)
c) knowing I have money would suggest more expensive places and I would have to go otherwise would look stingy.

you have no right to judge someone and their choices. I go without so I can secure my kids future. Holidays and meal outs mean nothing. Your Friends did not miss out they did exactly what they would have but in a budget!

I'd find this hard to move on from.

You made special allowances for them for a long time.

And they were okay with you making special allowances for them...

The gall is impressive.

But look who's winning?

Them.

And their offspring

Good for them.
maybe the bad feeling is because others probably regret that they haven’t been as careful with their money. So it’s just projected annoyance at themselves.

In regards to the rugby thing I bet she didn’t even want to send her kid but felt pressured to and in the end thought okay if they paying I’ll just send him. I know the type who keep pushing when you keep saying no

£60k is a huge amount and incredibly impressive.

It’s a shame people don’t talk about it more - the more we share about how to be financially savvy, the better IMO.

5 professional couples didn’t think it seemed odd they earned that much and never had spare money?

I would be pissed off in this situation. Probably not enough to end the friendship totally but I would also fully understand why the other couples would.

This is the key part in my view: *
except for the last 18 years they’ve pleaded poverty. As a group we are all in a relatively comfortable situation, with the exception of this couple who despite quite impressive sounding jobs were very open about struggling financially with a big mortgage etc. Therefore we’ve all been really careful. *

If you say you are struggling financially that is very different to saying your priority is saving or paying off the mortgage or whatever. Because:

If you genuinely can't afford something (no money) then your friends choosing to go on a more expensive holiday/ out for coffee/ whatever is them deliberately excluding you. Which obviously no one who is a good friend wants to do, so they compromise their own preferences. They may still have fun, but the fact is they are making choices based on false assumptions and missing out on things they'd otherwise have loved to do with the mutual friends (that 50th weekend!)

On the other hand, if you can afford it but say you prefer not to (whatever the reason), then your friends can suggest activities freely and you exclude yourself.

It's not about the money, apart from the ridiculous but one-off rugby camp. It's about allowing your friends to constantly accommodate a pretend poverty that was in fact a deliberate choice.

I very much doubt your friendship group will recover from this, I'm afraid 🙁

I live way below my means. Always have, even though I am very low income. It seems it's okay for me to budget but higher earners should just spaff all their money on coffees out and luxury accommodation. People think I'm poorer than I am because I do weird things to save money. Is it possible that assumptions have been made here?

Are the holidays in the low standard accommodation your only holiday in the year?

If the rugby camp was a one-off, I would just forget it. Their money, their priorities. How would you have reacted if they told you they were just living off one in one and investing the rest? Would your group have reacted positively to that?

I think I’m on the side of your friends. With the exception of the rugby camp, which they should not have let you subsidize, I think it’s pretty unfair to be so upset that they have been more strategic with their money than you have. We do similar with our savings—it never hits our bank account and is locked away, so we don’t take it into consideration when we’re thinking about our budget. I would never dream of talking about everything we’re saving to a group of friends, though, as that would be incredibly crass and also none of their business! They told you their budget for holidays and you all worked around it because you liked their company. People are allowed to budget differently, it’s not disingenuous to say what your budget is and stick to it.

@Believeitornot she once asked me for £10k (before kids) as she was having kitchen re-fitted. I told her then I have nothing. If I was to tell her she would guilt me into giving her money. She’s very good at getting people to give her things so I stay quiet. She once wanted myself/ DH to take out a loan as they needed a second car! They have very bad credit rating according to her.