AIBU that our friends are much richer than they've let on?

[richmanpoorman]

Long and weird one, that has completely split a friend group.
18 years ago we attended antenatal classes and met a lovely group of people. Out of 8 couples in the class, 5 have stayed in the same location and we’ve all become super close. We see each other all the time in big and small groups and go on a holiday once a year. The children are all very close.

Now all our oldest are 18 they’re all looking at university. The kids were all out having a drink and the subject of funding came up. They’re all doing a combination of loans plus parental contribution except one lad who drunkenly admitted that his parents have a fund for him and his younger sister, for university and house deposits, of around £850k.

Under any other circumstances this would have been none of our business… except for the last 18 years they’ve pleaded poverty. As a group we are all in a relatively comfortable situation, with the exception of this couple who despite quite impressive sounding jobs were very open about struggling financially with a big mortgage etc. Therefore we’ve all been really careful. Every time we’ve gone out for we pick a budget option. Every holiday has been planned based on the fact that they could only pay half what others could afford so we’ve spent 18 years staying in some pretty grim self catering places. In context, say they paid £500 for their share of the accommodation- another £500 (or even £250) from each couple would have been a nice upgrade holiday wise.

It turns out that they made a decision to only live on one income, and to totally save and invest the other income. Apparently they have just therefore never factored it into consideration as it went straight into various investment accounts, so they were technically broke as it wasn’t then easily accessible. One year we all actually paid for her son to attend rugby camp as they didn’t have the cash. It wasn’t a lot of money (£20 a day) but the audacity feels huge.

3 of the couples have stopped speaking to them. (Tbh it might have landed better if the last holiday self catering place hadn’t had been so totally grim, with the younger daughter of one of the families injuring herself due to some shoddy maintenance….)

DH and I are more on the fence. While as a group we all earn roughly the same we do come from different backgrounds- DH and I a more modest teacher/ nurse/ bookkeeper/ florist combo compared to some of the others who did have significant financial help early on in life. This early financial help is clear in the lives they live- with similar earnings we have a much smaller house, state schools etc. Family help early on has made a massive difference to the lives of some in the group. The couple in question have explained that they both come from very impoverished backgrounds, with a lot of financial insecurity. Good degrees and careers landed them in a group of friends where it was obvious the impact money had early in life (eg house deposits, no loans etc). So they made the decision to do that for their children. They’re not materialistic themselves so didn’t miss skiing/ nice clothes/ smart cars/ home decor etc, so they just decided to “hack” their kids into a fantastic start in life.

Our other friends argue that the impact of another £1-2k a year on a few nicer holidays and dinners etc wouldn’t have materially impacted the fund, and would have meant that we could have had better group experiences, plus there’s all the intangible stuff like not suggesting we stop for coffees because it felt uncomfortable that they wouldn’t get anything, and being careful talking about other spending in case it seemed insensitive.

I’m so upset. We had such a lovely group with such a strong bond and now it’s all a mess. We’re the only couple still talking to everyone which in itself is causing problems. I’m posting here because we’ve just been added to a group called “Skiing 2025” with all of the group except this couple, which seems pointed (because we’ve never even suggested skiing before because of the cost.)

The kids are upset. The son is deeply depressed that he started this and they’re trying to stay friends separately.

I suppose my AIBU is “am I being unreasonable to be pissed off that my friends were richer than they let on?” and more broadly what would people do?

Ps- I’m aware some of them are on Mumsnet….

I would have no issue if they had said - we only want to budget xyz because we are saving to do this that or the other-I have a huge issue if choices were made and subsidies given based on their pleading poverty - when clearly it was anything but

I really don’t see that they’ve done anything wrong other than accepting money for the camp. The rest of us is using what disposable income they had. If nicer holidays is more important than spending time together then I’d suggest you aren’t as close as you thought.

I’m laughing at the outrage in some of the comments.
They’ve been very canny with their money.

We’ve been overpaying our mortgage by quite a lot and will be mortgage free next year. So we’ve taken cheap campsite holidays once a year, I don’t go for regular beauty treatments, drive a 12 year old car, and we live quite simply because we want that debt, our only debt, gone asap. We have ‘money’ yes, but it’s being put to use the way we want it.

To have spent 18 years restricting yourselves to shitty accommodation and tiptoeing delicately round the 'poor' couple's feelings is on you and the other three couples really.

However, letting you all pay for the rugby camp thing is next level cheeky fuckery. I couldn't get past that.

I think the feeling is they've been hoodwinked for 2 decades. I'd be furious too.

The issue here is the dishonesty, if they’d said up front it would have been fine but they led everyone to a conclusion that limited the options you all had for social events. Simply explaining up front and allowing people to choose would have saved all this. No one would have felt bad doing more expensive stuff.

I can see why folks are angry about it. I think I would be too.

And have you been letting your mates think you're poor and book camping holidays to accommodate your budget instead of doing something more expensive? 🙄

IStandWithACrutch

The issue isn't about being canny with their money. It's about cosplaying poverty and making a deliberate decision to lie to friends for almost 2 decades.

Almost nobody cares what their friends' financial priorities are. It might be investments, paying off their mortgage, saving for their children, stashing extra money in a pension, paying school fees or anything else. Some people choose fancy lifestyles, others choose a simpler lifestyle. Most adults know everyone has different financial priorities. Most adults don't plead poverty to their friends.

That's great but have you had people paying for your children to attend an activity. That's the issue here.

@LolaSmiles people care when it’s joint holidays. They really do. We’ve been invited on a group family holiday that was £14k per family for the week 🤣 I have said no and I don’t think the rest of the group is wiling to camp so we won’t go away together this year. Thats ok!

Every month I pay into my pension, a savings account (fixed amount), pay the bills, home maintencne, overpay the mortgage, then after that anything left is disposable income … for luxury’s, holidays etc
doesn’t everyone do that?
isn’t this just what they have been doing?

I'm confused?
(apart from the rugby) which needs explaining.

They are massive grifters and I'd be annoyed and also asking them about why they thought it was ok to let friends subsidise them.

Exactly, it all just sounds so petty.

Thats fine. But I assume you don't get friends to pay for stuff for you?

thats where this behaviour really crossed a line.

(And we are careful too, overpay mortgage substantially and have small cars and decent savings. But not at the expense of living life now - none of us are guaranteed a long life)

They should have just said "we don't like to spend on x thing, go ahead and do what you want without us".

All this could have been avoided so easily!

They know full well people have organised themselves into doing things on a different budget than they wanted and they let them do that.

I don't think anyone should feel obliged to disclose their finances but to let them affect a whole group of people for 18 years is not on.

It feels like they used you all - and not just for the rugby money.

It’s their business how they spend their cash BUT it’s deceitful that the couple let others pay for their sons rugby camp when infact money was no problem.

Whilst it is nobody’s business how they have chosen to invest money, I think it is incredibly cheeky to take handouts from friends (paying for son’s rugby for example) and plead poverty through the years when it wasn’t the case at all. They weren’t tight for cash at all. You’ve all been taken for a mug and I would be pretty annoyed.

@Direstraightsagain instead of opting out of things, they asked everyone to do things to fit their "pleading poverty".

pleading poverty

I don’t think OP’s said anywhere that this couple pleaded poverty. They just said they couldn’t afford certain things.

Friend group assumed they meant “we are broke” when actually they meant “we can’t afford that after the saving decisions we have made”

That misunderstanding is the root of everything here

Edited: I’ve re read and Op does say pleaded poverty. Hmm.

LolaSmiles people care when it’s joint holidays. They really do. We’ve been invited on a group family holiday that was £14k per family for the week 🤣 I have said no and I don’t think the rest of the group is wiling to camp so we won’t go away together this year. Thats ok!

I'm not sure how that follows from my post.I was responding to a poster who seems to think that the issue here is about how people spend their money rather than the dishonesty.

Nobody cares if their friend doesn't want to do beauty treatments, or would rather camp, or chooses to have an older car or would rather pay down their mortgage. Everyone has their own financial means and priorities. Most people know their friends will have different incomes and financial commitments, so will accept or decline events as required. I know we do.

The issue here is that the couple pleaded poverty to their friends, not how they chose to manage their finances.

In all of this, the op has said their son is depressed and feeling the fall out. Come on. I don’t see that these people have been subsidised? If the other couples had paid for their share of the holidays etc it’d be different.

Friends make mistakes, but the op says they’ve been good friends all this time. I honestly see it (as pp have said) as similar to people over paying their mortgage etc.

But it sounds like disposable money WAS a problem because they had tied up half of their income into savings/investments. The reason they couldn't get access to more of their money is the bone of contention not the fact that they were locking away lots of their cash.

But the OP has already said she’d have paid the €100 rugby cost even if she was aware of their situation?

I think they’re over invested in this couple’s finances. Dunno about others but I don’t ask or assume anything about my friends’ financial positions.
I also think ‘poverty’ is being thrown about a little too easily, this couple did go on multiple holidays with the group. I’m guessing they didn’t actually ask for money from the others?

Ok my last question to @richmanpoorman

Did any of the friend group actually ask this couple if they wanted all of the activities planned around their budget or did the couple themselves ask for the group to limit holidays and activities to their budget?

I’ve gone back and reread your posts and have seen a few comments that you’ve all felt guilty so done x, y, and z. But nothing that says they asked you to do it.

TBH… that is a key piece of information whether they’ve take advantage or if you’re all just feeling put out because you’ve made a 18 years worth of assumptions

The children in the group only got only childhood, and they have had experiences less nice than they would have had because of one sleekit couple. I’d be livid.

But I’m not objective because I have a friend like this. Needs 5 reminders to pay petrol money. It usually goes unnoticed that she never pays a round. Goes to other people’s parties and never brings a bottle. I’ve invited her on three holidays and she never as much as contributes to the groceries. I like her for other reasons but she’s incredibly niggardly (and right wing, which is increasingly grating) and her household income is about £150k.

I’m a generous person but in her case my boundaries are rapidly hardening. In your case it sounds even more galling. One couple has secretly taken a neo-liberal approach in a communitarian setting, and I’d be making lots of passive aggressive jokes to that effect if I were you.