It’s an inheritance one!

[BacktoBreathe]

I'm aware inheritance is quite polarising on mumsnet so I’m zipping up my thick skin in preparation.

So…. I have 1 sibling. They have and won’t have any children. I do - primary school age. My sibling and I are a similar amount of wealthy and if we were to die it’s enough to help someone in life but below inheritance tax thresholds.

Largely I expect my DC to earn their own money when they’re adults but I don’t see how they would ever buy a house without help and if I have enough I’d love to help them get on the ladder when the time comes.

My sibling has just told me that they are writing in their will to give anything they have to charity. I’m…. Sad.

On the one hand they should do whatever they want with their money. It’s their money. I have no right to ‘expect’ anything goes to my DC and certainly no power over where it goes.

But on the other I think it’s hypocritical. My sibling has, over their life, taken help from family (about half was an inheritance, they also took various help to get on their feet when starting out). Not loads of money but maybe 50 k over the years. I also took the inheritance I was given but not the additional help as I’ve always worked and expected to pay my own way. That’s fine - we make different choices in life. But this help was given to my sibling by very family oriented people and I know that their wish would be to ‘pay it forward’ to the younger generation (which in this case would be my children). Also we are both, as stands, set to inherit about £150 k each from my parents. Though that depends on care home fees.

So not to drip feed then I’m not sure I’ll live long enough to set my children up. 2 years ago I was diagnosed with cancer. It’s looking good at the moment and I’m hopeful. But my fear is that my children are left with a shit lot in life. I’d hoped that my sibling would step in if that happened but now I’m feeling like my children just aren’t that important in my siblings life.

AIBU?

YABU: money given historically is just that, ancient history, and should be spent by the receiver however they like. Family have no duty to help each other out financially. There are so many people in the world who don’t have the advantages that we do in the western world and you can affect more people’s lives through charity.

YANBU: family money is there to be passed down to the next generation. If you accept financial help from family you should expect to financially help family yourself.

I can’t understand this at all. Helping dogs over the financial security of people you love? (Unless you don’t love your nieces/nephews I suppose).

I agree with you, and think the sibling that's implying that you should be giving money to their kids is a graspy fucker, frankly!

Im not comfortable talking to my parents about what my siblings will says but I could ask if anything I would have got could go into trust for my DC without mentioning any reason why.

The only reason why you need to give is your illness and the likelihood that your parents will outlive you. I'm so sorry about your illness by the way.

Your parents might reply "oh but if the balance goes to sibling then it will get to your kids eventually" THEN you could raise that "sibling has made other provisions/no judgement/ just letting you know as it is relevant to this conversation". They may well not have anticipated that.

As to whether your sibling should leave estate to family ... legally sibling has the absolutely right to leave to who he/ she chooses. There is no "family estate" just different individual estates. Morally ... its a bit more complex. If the charity is one very important to your siblings life and beliefs, fair enough. But if its a choice made in the basis that "your kids are already inheriting from you so fuck them, I'll leave mine to as random charity" then that's more shabby.

My husband's uncle did similar. He was a feckless character who dropped out of work and persuaded his wealthy mother to buy him a house, car etc. He got banned from her sheltered accommodation in her final years for turning up and menancing her to transfer cash sums. Fell out with siblings (including FIL) who remonstrated with him. Never married or had children. When he died FIL found he was executor of uncles will. Uncle had left everything to a cat or dog charity that he'd shown zero interest in during his lifetime. FIL felt this was a final "fuck you" to the family. FIL didn't care about the money itself, it was the gesture which was offensive including making him executor to rub his nose in it!

No reason why your kids won't still recieve help from them if they need it. They'll just have to build up a relationship & ask for it before death like she presumably did with your family memebers

A will is purely for what happens to what's left- if she wants to give it to charity then by all means

What shouting? Do you mean the two words I put in capitals for emphasis? I wasn't shouting I was typing in capitals for emphasis.

I kind of see your pov, but if you die, the mortgage should be paid off if you have the usual life insurance alongside, so that’s an immediate help. I don’t think your sibling has to leave your kids anything, I would prefer to give mine to charity but I’m doing wills tomorrow and bar a trust for any animals, it’s all going to nieces/nephews as we don’t have kids. That, I must say, is just because it’s easy and feels like the right thing, but not everyone feels that way and nor should they.

It's a fine analogy.

People are allowed to do whatever they want with their money. And the fact that they and/or their siblings have/have not had children does not change that.

The fact that someone doesn't have children does not mean that their nephews/nieces are automatically in line to inherit, and that is independent of life circumstances.

That's why we have wills. So people can make a choice. Otherwise the intestacy rules could just be blanket applied to everyone irrespective of circumstance.

I'm surprised she doesn't want to leave her money to your DC and yet is prepared to take them in as a guardian if you die first. Being a guardian is a much bigger deal, and suggests a much closer bond. I wonder if she doesn't think she'll realistically actually be in that position of having to look after your DC so has said yes without meaning it.

Do you know who the executor is? If it's all going to charity, she should nominate a lawyer because charities can be relentless when it comes to bequests, and it's not something you want to deal with whilst grieving. Make sure she's not expecting you to sort out her estate!

I would be sad that my sibling didn’t feel they had enough of a connection with my children to leave them something in their will.

We have one AC and my original will left nearly everything to him with small bequests to nieces and nephews. In the event of him predeceasing me then a large amount would go to charity with the bequests to nieces and nephews being larger. When I updated my will last year I realised I hadn’t seen my nieces and nephews since pre-covid and my brothers only once in 3 years. I also realised how much of the money donated to charities is spent on staffing and from experience how poor some charities are using their resources efficiently. My new will leaves everything to my friend’s children in the event that my son isn’t around. They’re the ones I’ve watched growing up, have shared holidays with and treat as family. Maybe your sibling doesn’t feel that close to your children and thinks as they have a dad he will provide for them.

However! I do understand why you are hurt. My brother’s only child died a few years ago and he has told me that he is leaving his assets to his GFs grandchildren. The house was purchased with an inheritance from my parents and will go to people they never met who my brother has an on off relationship with their grandmother. I know I’m being unreasonable but I think it illustrates how contrary our feelings can be when it comes to inheritance.

Sorry you've been ill. But you really can't rely on inheriting from a sister to help your financial stability. She has every right to leave her money to whomever she chooses. YABU.

She's making HER death about this. Families are supposed to help each other. It's about giving when you have been given to.
Charity begins at home. Being motherless is never easy however if any stresses can be removed by family then why wouldn't you. It truly is no skin off your nose.

I’m childless. My only sibling has one child. I’d planned to leave my money to that child, until I realised they viewed me with absolute contempt, as a poor relation. I’m therefore leaving them a small number of valuables and the rest is going to friends. If the situation were reversed, and I had children and my sibling didn’t, there’s no way on earth they’d be leaving me their money. So that’s it.

That is unusual OP. A friend lost her brother some years ago and her parent's estate is to be divided equally between the friend and her brother's children.
I would talk with my parents and see how they have left it.

To be honest, it’s a bit greedy to want your siblings money for your child, on the other hand I am TOTALLY OPPOSED to charities, and lining the pockets of executives.

I would leave my money to family, and if I had none, the families of friends or relations.

I agree and sympathise entirely with your point of view. I'm going through treatment for breast cancer, prospects for survival are ok. However, I spoke with my father about the possibility that he would outlive me. If I die before him, his will has now been changed so that "my share" will pass to my two adult children and not go to my utter arsehole of a brother.

This. I agree, I don’t think it’s about the will. You need to have a conversation with your sister about your fears for your children with your diagnosis. It may well not have occurred to her that you are worried about what will happen in a worst case scenario

I'm with you OP. Of course it's her choice, but I judge her for it.

I trust when she's old without the support network having children often provides that she won't think she can rely on her niece/nephew for help with hospital appointments, shopping, day trips - you know the kind of thing that families would normally do for each other.

I agree with you OP, family before a charity who may use or misuse the money.
My sibling has no children and is going to leave her inheritance to my children and I am very grateful for that, I would do the same if the situation was reversed.

Im not comfortable talking to my parents about what my siblings will says but I could ask if anything I would have got could go into trust for my DC without mentioning any reason why.

Nor should you be. And do ignore the posters who think that you should persuade your parents to change their will to exclude your sibling. All you can do is mention your share of the inheritance and how you want it to go to your kids. Anything else and you are at risk of your sibling walking away from all of you - as they would have the right to do so.

I've got 17 dnieces and nephews. I've only left my youngest sisters DC money in my will but jewelry for all other nieces. The reason being is I know my younger sister doesn't have much to leave her dc. The others will inherit from their parents. For the same reason I also helped my same dniece who went to uni with a standing order help every month. Her younger sister will get the same help next year when she goes. My DNephew has had other help over the years with school trips and equipment for hobbies paid for. I think it's sad your brother doesn't want to help out his nieces and nephews. He could still leave money to charity too. I think given your cancer diagnosis you could ask either your brother or someone else you really trust to be guardians for your DC if you were to pass away. Hopefully your parents would pass your share of inheritance down to your DC.

I think it’s fair that family money is passed down to younger generations where possible . If I was childless I wouldn’t be giving money inherited from family to charity when I died if I could give to my niece /nephew . I wish you well OP .

If I was a parent of you and your sibling and knew sibling was leaving their estate to charity I would leave my estate to my grandchildren. As I would be entitled to do.

And that sibling would be entitled to tell their entire family to fuck off and never have anything to do with them again.

First post nails it.

I am tired of people making everything about their children.

You chose to have a child, OP. Your sibling didn't. Your child's financial future is your responsibilty, and nothing to do with your sibling.

Good on them for helping a charity. Your child is not a charity case, as you say you and your sibling have similar wealth.

Honestly the entitlement of some parents.

@daliesque so it’s fine for the sibling to decide to leave all their estate to charity rather than family but beyond appalling for the parents to decide to leave theirs to grandchildren rather than said sibling who will then leave it all to charity?