It’s an inheritance one!

[BacktoBreathe]

I'm aware inheritance is quite polarising on mumsnet so I’m zipping up my thick skin in preparation.

So…. I have 1 sibling. They have and won’t have any children. I do - primary school age. My sibling and I are a similar amount of wealthy and if we were to die it’s enough to help someone in life but below inheritance tax thresholds.

Largely I expect my DC to earn their own money when they’re adults but I don’t see how they would ever buy a house without help and if I have enough I’d love to help them get on the ladder when the time comes.

My sibling has just told me that they are writing in their will to give anything they have to charity. I’m…. Sad.

On the one hand they should do whatever they want with their money. It’s their money. I have no right to ‘expect’ anything goes to my DC and certainly no power over where it goes.

But on the other I think it’s hypocritical. My sibling has, over their life, taken help from family (about half was an inheritance, they also took various help to get on their feet when starting out). Not loads of money but maybe 50 k over the years. I also took the inheritance I was given but not the additional help as I’ve always worked and expected to pay my own way. That’s fine - we make different choices in life. But this help was given to my sibling by very family oriented people and I know that their wish would be to ‘pay it forward’ to the younger generation (which in this case would be my children). Also we are both, as stands, set to inherit about £150 k each from my parents. Though that depends on care home fees.

So not to drip feed then I’m not sure I’ll live long enough to set my children up. 2 years ago I was diagnosed with cancer. It’s looking good at the moment and I’m hopeful. But my fear is that my children are left with a shit lot in life. I’d hoped that my sibling would step in if that happened but now I’m feeling like my children just aren’t that important in my siblings life.

AIBU?

YABU: money given historically is just that, ancient history, and should be spent by the receiver however they like. Family have no duty to help each other out financially. There are so many people in the world who don’t have the advantages that we do in the western world and you can affect more people’s lives through charity.

YANBU: family money is there to be passed down to the next generation. If you accept financial help from family you should expect to financially help family yourself.

I don't have siblings, DH has a sister and two nieces. If we had no DC I would not leave my half of our money to his DNieces, I would leave it to charities. He would leave a large chunk of his to his DNieces. They are lovely children but not related to me.

It’s a difficult one - if you are worried about your health I agree with others you should raise this with your sibling about future guardianship of your children as a separate issue to the inheritance. Although I can understand how you would like to know they may be looked after by family emotionally and financially.

I think if I were childless I would leave my inheritance to my wider family and nieces and nephews, but I do understand some people wanting to leave to charity. However I would urge people to choose the charity carefully. Many charities as we all know put a lot of this money into “administration” costs. A charity like macmillan nurses however for me would seem to be a good option.

If you have children it's on you as a parent to ensure you are insured so that in the event of your death the mortgage is covered and that you have made arrangements for the care of your children. From what you have states there is nothing in your circumstances pre your cancer diagnosis to have stopped you from doing so.

Your sibling can do as they please with their personal property without the judgement from you for giving their money to your kids.

I completely agree with this.
I haven’t asked my brother about his will, but I know him well enough that if he outlived his wife he would leave things to my children and his wife’s nieces . I would do the same in the same circumstances. Our parents considered money to be family money, I find the highly individualistic attitudes in society now, and on mumsnet, very alien to how I grew up. This is partly cultural, partly my age, but I also feel that humans are social animals, not solitary. We stand together and fail alone. We are also all links in a chain. The money my parents worked hard for will pass down to benefit my children , and on it goes.
Op in your place I would tell my sister how hurt I was that she hasn’t thought of her nieces /nephews. I am really baffled as to why she would make that choice, it seems very unloving, and also disrespectful towards the people who gifted money to her.

I have no children and when I die everything goes to my brother and his family. Family comes first. They can choose to make gifts to charity if they want (they probably will)
As a retired probate lawyer I think some would be surprised at the way some charities act during probate administration- I certainly would not be leaving large sums to them.

I have just read your updates properly about your parents outliving you. You need to talk to them about leaving what they would leave to you going directly to your children instead. That is certainly not unreasonable. Personally if you were my sibling I would want all the money going to my bereaved nieces and nephews rather than charity. You need to talk to your whole family about your fears for the future.

Your sibling has the right to do what they like with their money. However given your diagnosis I couldn’t have made the choice that they have, much less tell you about it. I’m not close to either of my siblings and I have my own dc to think about but if there was any chance at all of them being left in a difficult situation without one of their parents I would offer a financial contribution for their future without hesitation.

Oh the sibling can indeed do what they want but that will come with judgement. Judgment that the sibling doesn't have particularly familial love for their n&n

Please research the charities well. Many exposés have been done on charities receiving donated estates. Most ends up in admin costs and bonuses to executives. I'd rather my dhs family got it than some executive I don't know

How utterly devious and grabby. Hopefully the op’s parents would see right through such a strategy.

I wouldn’t leave my niblings a penny. We aren’t close and I have friends I’d rather leave it to.

I don't understand why she is leaving it all to charity? That seems so weird to me and almost like she's making some kind of point.

Of course, she is perfectly entitled to leave her money to whomever she wishes but considering your circumstances (so sorry to hear that) I cannot imagine the coldness of leaving it to charity when her nieces/nephews have lost their mum. I find that utterly callous. Why not both?- why cant she leave some to charity and some to her family?

Its especially galling considering she benefited herself from family money and it makes her out to be very hypocritical- after all, if charity is so important to her then why did she not gift the money she got from family to charity if charity means so much to her? She is a huge hypocrite despite the fact she has the right to leave her money to whomever she wants- she clearly took the money she got to keep for herself so I don't think she is quite as "charitable" as she likes to think she is

@Neriah
It still has no relevance at all. There was no need to mention it at all. The questions is "am I being unreasonable to expect my sibling to leave their money to my kids" and the answer is yes, you are. The only reason to mention the cancer is because one thinks that makes one more entitled to the inheritance. It doesn't.
No. The reason to mention cancer is that the siblings own n@n will potentially end up motherless as children with limited finances due to their mother passing young. If you don't see that as relevant then that's on you. I would be so devastated that my sibling died young and her poor dc were left without a mother and financially unable to rely on their mother that I would do everything in my power to help. Why are you so cold?

As you say your sibling can leave their money to whom they wish, but to leave it all to charity, when they have used family money in the past, does seem a bit of a bitter pill to swallow. But at least you know now - I'd say it certainly makes clear where your true friends are and I'd act accordingly.

I'd be upset too.

Yes there is no entitlement but if your sibling loved their nieces / nephews then why wouldn't they want to help them - even partially ?

I understand that your kids are not their kids and that they have their own interests and causes but to ignore your kids entirely seems crass to me.

Add on your illness and uncertainty id say that was even more of a reasonable thing to do, to leave at least something to your kids.

I'd deffo have a chat re guardianship and your concerns re their longer term support if the worst happens to you. That peace of mind is so important to you and it may help your sibling to re think and reframe the will in the light of the potential vulnerability of your kids , assuming that she cares about them at all.

I agree. But at least you know where her priorities lie now and when she is old and needs help, your kids shouldn't feel obliged to help her out. They can spend their time volunteering for charities instead! Its what she should want after all right?!

I’m going to go against the grain here somewhat. I agree there is no obligation on your sibling. But at the same time, I think it shows they don’t care, so why would I spend time with them? I would either have a conversation with them about your fears (if you are keen to maintain the relationship), or if not then I would quietly disengage somewhat and accept it’s mainly a superficial relationship.

More importantly though, I would talk to your parents. It seems very unfair that if you die, your share would go to your sibling rather l than your children…hopefully that is an oversight that can be fixed rather than their intention.

Was the shouting really necessary

It's their choice.

Their money, and up to them how they spend it/use it.

I assume your sibling accepts that you are going to leave your money to your kids and none to them ?

Would they be unreasonable to expect you to leave your money to them ? Yes. Because that's your money and it is up to you what you do with it.

I’m single and unlikely to have children, I have nieces and nephews. A significant amount of my assets came from family inheritance (parents and grandparents). I will be leaving most to charity in my will rather than my DNs. I love them dearly but my siblings (their parents) are homeowners, they will likely inherit from them and should have enough to be comfortable in adulthood. I will be leaving money to help disabled children in the UK and to charities which support health and education in the developing world. My money can help far more children by providing vaccines, meals, medication etc overseas than it will giving my DNs a bit of extra deposit money.

If I die before my parents then anything they have when they die will go to my sibling. And so then to charity.

Are you absolutely sure of this? Has it been written into their wills specifically? IANAL but when I did my will, it was a given that if one of my children died before me then their share would go to their children if they had any by then and would only revert to the other sibling if there were no children. I presume that I would have had to have asked specifically if I didn't want this to happen.

If they have asked for this on purpose, I think it would be acceptable and understandable for you to have this conversation with your parents. Say that it is not beyond the realms of possibility that they might outlive you, and if this happened please could they rethink this part of their wills in order to leave something at least to your children - presumably their only grandchildren - not to your husband, to the children.

If they are not willing to do this, then I would be rethinking your idea of your family being there to help each other - I think that might only apply to you. Your parents might regret this in their declining years too.

I empathise with you - I would not make a will like your sibling has or your parents have because my family is important to me. I have left my estate (such as it is) to my 2 children - with the proviso about their possible future children - but if, heaven forbid, they both die before me, then I have left it to my sibling's children - and if one of them dies, to their children.

Bad analogy. Sibling potentially dying of cancer leaving two young dc.
DC are sibling's apparently belived but obviously not really N&N. Random executive at charity is not

Beloved not believed

I’m in the opposite position to you - no children but one DN and another on the way. I couldn’t imagine not leaving what I have to my DNs.

Im childfree. My siblings have various kids. They too assumed that anything I have and our other childfree sister has, will go to them and their kids when we die.
Nope. Our money and we decide who gets it. In my case it is all going to a local,dog shelter and in my sisters case a cat one.
We also own our fathers flat and our siblings have made noises about their share of that when he dies. Not going to happen. We will sell the flat and split it between ourselves and they won't get a penny.

Our money, our decisions. Family means nothing.