It’s an inheritance one!

[BacktoBreathe]

I'm aware inheritance is quite polarising on mumsnet so I’m zipping up my thick skin in preparation.

So…. I have 1 sibling. They have and won’t have any children. I do - primary school age. My sibling and I are a similar amount of wealthy and if we were to die it’s enough to help someone in life but below inheritance tax thresholds.

Largely I expect my DC to earn their own money when they’re adults but I don’t see how they would ever buy a house without help and if I have enough I’d love to help them get on the ladder when the time comes.

My sibling has just told me that they are writing in their will to give anything they have to charity. I’m…. Sad.

On the one hand they should do whatever they want with their money. It’s their money. I have no right to ‘expect’ anything goes to my DC and certainly no power over where it goes.

But on the other I think it’s hypocritical. My sibling has, over their life, taken help from family (about half was an inheritance, they also took various help to get on their feet when starting out). Not loads of money but maybe 50 k over the years. I also took the inheritance I was given but not the additional help as I’ve always worked and expected to pay my own way. That’s fine - we make different choices in life. But this help was given to my sibling by very family oriented people and I know that their wish would be to ‘pay it forward’ to the younger generation (which in this case would be my children). Also we are both, as stands, set to inherit about £150 k each from my parents. Though that depends on care home fees.

So not to drip feed then I’m not sure I’ll live long enough to set my children up. 2 years ago I was diagnosed with cancer. It’s looking good at the moment and I’m hopeful. But my fear is that my children are left with a shit lot in life. I’d hoped that my sibling would step in if that happened but now I’m feeling like my children just aren’t that important in my siblings life.

AIBU?

YABU: money given historically is just that, ancient history, and should be spent by the receiver however they like. Family have no duty to help each other out financially. There are so many people in the world who don’t have the advantages that we do in the western world and you can affect more people’s lives through charity.

YANBU: family money is there to be passed down to the next generation. If you accept financial help from family you should expect to financially help family yourself.

@Sapphire387 I completely agree with you.

@Scalottia geez, op has had a cancer diagnosis. How about a bit of empathy.

I agree with you @BacktoBreathe I would be very upset too.

SIL and her husband done have and never will have children.

Never in a million years would I expect them to leave anything to DS or any of their other nieces or nephews?!

I think the conversation you need to have is with your parents about them leaving what would have gone to you instead to your DC.

@Teddleshon my own family and I have our own cancer diagnoses at the moment, I do understand how shit it is, and you don't need to school me on empathy. But unfortunately the illness is not relevant because it's the sibling's choice in regards to where the money goes. OP's sibling has also agreed to be the guardian which I think is lovely.

I stand by my post. Your children, your responsibility. OP asked for opinions, that is mine. Doesn't mean it's correct but it's how I feel.

The nasty post belongs to people who think that money is the tie that binds them to family and are keeping score of what they think they are entitled to.

This. It's not the OP who is unreasonable as I knkw what a cancer diagnosis does to someone, having had one and being responsible for giving them.

However, I do wonder if the sibling knew that any financial help they were offered and took came with such tight strings attached. Poor them for thinking that it was a gift or a loan given to them, with no expectations.

Presumably these relatives will expect their nephews/nieces to look after them in old age? Even if they were wealthy, someone’s got to do all the ferrying of old persons back and forth to hospital, the medicine collection, the organisation of carers and home improvements, being at the end of the phone for emergencies……

I really don’t understand why people leave everything to charity.

So why is your ire/disappointment not directed against your parents cutting out your children from their will (should you predecease them)?

< sorry for your diagnosis >

1. why the assumption an old person would have an expectation of assistance from a niece/nephew?
2. there are many organisations - including charitable ones - that can 'do all the ferrying of old persons' (like pieces of garbage or flotsam 😒)
3. people may leave money to charity for many reasons - whether from wanting to do,some good once they're gone from altruistic reasons to more personal reasons (eg a legacy to a charity for personal reasons, such as a hospice or indeed those charities that help with The Ferrying of the Elderly).

Surely it's not that difficult to understand

I wouldn’t make any such presumptions. In fact, most childfree people are acutely aware they will have to make plans for their old age and what assistance they may need, given that they don’t have children to rely on.

(In any event, relying on DC to provide care in old age is a fool’s errand, as can be seen by the myriad of threads on here in which people fall over themselves to justify why they can’t help and also the threads in which people are advised to go NC with parents for fairy spurious reasons)

I can’t understand this at all. Helping dogs over the financial security of people you love? (Unless you don’t love your nieces/nephews I suppose).

Luckily for you, you don't have to understand it. And no I don't love them, I barely know them. I'm sure my brothers and sister would say we're close, but that's just their justification for trying to get their hands on my money.

Fair points above.

I still think there’s a high likelihood that even without the expectation, the younger relatives will feel a sense of responsibility to the people they love

I have only one sibling who has no children and is substantially better off than me. I know rationally she can and should leave her estate however way she likes but I would feel a bit sad too if she completely ignored my children and left it ALL to charity. I would never say it to her or let it affect our relationship, but some acknowledgement which recognised the relationship, the next generation, etc would be lovely.

Yes I find it unusual too.

It's up to your sister to do whatever she likes with her money, and likewise your parents can split their money as they wish. I don't think inheritance should ever be relied upon, no one knows what is around the corner or whether that money will still be there in the future, and there are lots of twists and turns in life. My children have sometimes been left minimal amounts of money in wills, but nothing life changing or along the lines of what other people have received. I am not at all wealthy and could never help my children get on the housing ladder, but my eldest chose to seek a high paying career and now has a salary I could only dream of and is perfectly capable of looking after himself. We mustn't assume our children can't achieve what they want.
Wishing you good health for the future.

Yep it is. The sibling is one of their parents children and already in the will. The OPs kids are just nieces/nephews and so anything coming to them from anyone but their parents is not to be expected. Anything else is entitled.
And if someone cut me out of a will because they didn't approve of where I was bequeathing my (not inconsiderable) estate then I would obviously accept their decision, but like hell would I bother with them again.

If your sibling had DC, this thread wouldn't exist because you wouldn't feel that your children were entitled to receive anything from them.

As your sibling doesn't have kids-you feel that your kids are entitled to benefit from their death, to put it bluntly.

Your sibling has made their choice. They may change their mind, they may not. It's their money and their right to choose who or where they want to leave it to.

I don't have kids and I don't plan on any-but I can tell you right now if my DB who has 1 child felt that his child was then entitled to receive anything from me in the event of my death-he'd be sorely mistaken. I choose where or who I want my money to go to-not some misplaced entitlement.

I understand being fearful for your DC's future and I sincerely hope everything is well with you-but you can't expect your sibling to be the one to set your kids up. That's up to you, not them. If they chose to-great, wonderful, but if they don't-that is their choice and it doesn't make them a bad person.

I also feel the "family-orientated" stuff is a red herring, somewhat, to cover for feelings of entitlement. Someone can be perfectly family-orientated and still desire to use their wealth to help a charity that they support when they pass.

I think if my DB confronted me with something like this and told me he expected his DS to receive my money when I pass, I'd purposefully allocate it to charity instead 😂

@clairelouwho I think if my DB confronted me with something like this and told me he expected his DS to receive my money when I pass, I'd purposefully allocate it to charity instead 😂
Oh haahahaaaa 😂😂😂😂😂 you'd make a decision to cut your nephew out because of your disdain for your sibling. Hoooohaaaaaa. You are hiLARious 😂😂😂😂🙄

If you're close enough to them that you will be named executor, have a chat about the charities anyway, because some of them are a ballache, and they shouldn't leave that to you.

Some charities - mostly the big famous ones - will send appraisers in to value the estate, then harass until they receive every penny. I've seen it happen, even being on the side of the charity. We helped an elderly woman, she left 50% of her estate to the charity, and her family called us, very distressed, because the charity (bosses) were arguing that the heirlooms the family were keeping cut monetarily into their 50%. Family had to use their own money to make up the bequest. It can get nasty.

This. It’s up to your sibling what they do with their money. I have two uncles with no children and I have no idea if I feature in their wills and quite frankly I don’t expect anything from them.

It is a bit extreme to describe leaving it to charity as a waste???

Your children have two parents. That's two families they can inherit from. Maybe when they're grown up and actually have an independent relationship with her, she might put them in her will, but at this moment in time they don't need her money.

Someone doesn't have a sense of humour.

It was clearly a joke and a hypothetical situation as my DB isn't so grabby to imagine that my nephew is entitled to be in my will and if he does feature in my will-it is by choice to honour the relationship, not by obligation.

But some people on MN are overflowing with grabbiness and underflowing with humour, it seems. Also-no one does the random capitalisation anymore-that ended what? 20 years ago?

I think you could look at this like your sibling is assuming - as most of us do-that they ll live on in to their 80s by much time your children will be set up on their own, or the option of the will be altered to help them should that be 'neccesary' later in life. And who is to say she won't offer them financial help in the same way your aunt did for her, that wasn't an inheritance after your aunts death was it?