It’s an inheritance one!

[BacktoBreathe]

I'm aware inheritance is quite polarising on mumsnet so I’m zipping up my thick skin in preparation.

So…. I have 1 sibling. They have and won’t have any children. I do - primary school age. My sibling and I are a similar amount of wealthy and if we were to die it’s enough to help someone in life but below inheritance tax thresholds.

Largely I expect my DC to earn their own money when they’re adults but I don’t see how they would ever buy a house without help and if I have enough I’d love to help them get on the ladder when the time comes.

My sibling has just told me that they are writing in their will to give anything they have to charity. I’m…. Sad.

On the one hand they should do whatever they want with their money. It’s their money. I have no right to ‘expect’ anything goes to my DC and certainly no power over where it goes.

But on the other I think it’s hypocritical. My sibling has, over their life, taken help from family (about half was an inheritance, they also took various help to get on their feet when starting out). Not loads of money but maybe 50 k over the years. I also took the inheritance I was given but not the additional help as I’ve always worked and expected to pay my own way. That’s fine - we make different choices in life. But this help was given to my sibling by very family oriented people and I know that their wish would be to ‘pay it forward’ to the younger generation (which in this case would be my children). Also we are both, as stands, set to inherit about £150 k each from my parents. Though that depends on care home fees.

So not to drip feed then I’m not sure I’ll live long enough to set my children up. 2 years ago I was diagnosed with cancer. It’s looking good at the moment and I’m hopeful. But my fear is that my children are left with a shit lot in life. I’d hoped that my sibling would step in if that happened but now I’m feeling like my children just aren’t that important in my siblings life.

AIBU?

YABU: money given historically is just that, ancient history, and should be spent by the receiver however they like. Family have no duty to help each other out financially. There are so many people in the world who don’t have the advantages that we do in the western world and you can affect more people’s lives through charity.

YANBU: family money is there to be passed down to the next generation. If you accept financial help from family you should expect to financially help family yourself.

No, I meant it's not possible. I've looked into ot extensively. I have 'life insurance' but it's actually a death in service policy through my job which doesn't have any health stipulations.

Even travel insurance is prohibitively expensive - I recently paid £500 or so for insurance for a trip that would cost about £20 for someone healthy.

How often do your children see your sibling?

The question keeps being asked, we keep just being given the vague answer of she sees her sister as “close”

Your parents wouldn't split between your sister & her kids if anything happened to you?

I can see where you sister gets it from!

Bloody hell.

I also assumed that if you unfortunately passed away, then your inheritance would automatically go to your estate (ie your family) and not passed to your sibling, unless stated in the will.

https://www.contesting-wills.co.uk/news-articles/childs-inheritance.html

Putting aside the slight tone of entitlement, this seems like much more of a parent issue than a sibling issue, so I am not sure why are focussing on your sibling. Surely if you do die before your parents they’ll just leave the share that would have gone to you to your children? That’s be the normal approach I think? And then yes, of course, I’m sure it’d be nice if later they got a share of your siblings estate, but the reality is that (a) your children have no right to expect that and (b) by the time the sibling dies I am sure your children will be old enough to established their own ways in the world.

In fact, by your parents leaving your share to you children they are much more likely to inherit when they actually need the money, ie early in life, not late in life.

My kids are okay, they've had help from us and DP's parents to get on housing ladder.
My nephew who is a lot younger isn't as fortunate, my sibling and partner aren't in a position to buy him a flat when the time comes. Either are our parents. I've left a property that we own to him so he's had the same help as his cousins once I've gone.

I'm sorry about your illness and understand the worry that causes. But your children are in a much stronger financial position than most even without your brothers money, so try not to worry too much about that.
In reality, any inheritance they did get from him would be unlikely to come at the necessary time anyway, unless he is many decades their senior, as assuming average life spans, most people don't inherit from the generation above until they are well into middle aged and mord comfortable themselves.
Tbh I can see why your brother might prefer his legacy to benefit the genuinely disadvantaged through charity, rather than making children who won't go without even more comfortable, and I do have empathy with that. My only concern would be if it was less an ethical decision and more indicative of a general lack of care for your DC. But you'd know this more from his day to day behaviour than from his will.

I hope you never need to make use of any charity. (I'm making this about you as you seem selfish.)
It's not just the obvious things either, like a homeless charity if you become homeless. It's also things like benefiting from research into cancer, from you guessed it, Cancer Research.

No. A nasty post is telling a mother who has cancer that her cancer isn't relevant, in fact they are using it as pulling at heart strings here. That's what is nasty. I'm surprised you have to be told this.

"Setting aside the heart-string pulling bit (sorry you have cancer OP, but that really isn't relevant)"

That was the start of your post @Neriah

If that isn't nasty to you i think you need a word with yourself.

I have 2 siblings - one with DCs, one without any. I have 1 adult DC. We all inherited a 3rd of our parents' estate each. I haven't got a clue what my childless sibling is doing with his estate or even if he's made a will. I'm pretty sure he hasn't spent the inheritance he received but I don't see it as my DCs right to received a portion of it. And I say that as my adult DC still lives at home as they can't afford to get on the property ladder.

Really?

Yabu you sound bitter because your sibling won't leave their money to your kid..

Personally I will leave money to help the next generation as I would like for them to be financially secure. However, I think the op is being unreasonable because she has no right to dictate what her sibling does with their money. Inheritance is a nice bonus, not a right. I will always encourage the younger generation to work hard and try to be self sufficient. If anyone can't personally provide for their DCs to get on the property ladder, it seems unreasonable to expect another family member to provide it via inheritance.

Yes I think the best bet is talking to your parents about how you are worried your children may miss out on your share.
If the opportunity arises I’d also mention the charity bit in you dsis’s will, purely to let them know, not to actively ask them to do anything about it - although they may choose to take that into account.

My single 23 year old has just bought a house on his own for £280k by working hard and saving a deposit and pushing himself outside his comfort zone.i am sure your dc will do the same, especially if they buy with a partner

I am single and childless and hope to leave some money to charity so that I will make a difference to those coming after me.

Your children have a father, grandparents, and a share in any assets you leave them. That is more than enough.

I absolutely understand that you would want everything for your children and I hope you have as long as possible with them. But they are the difference you have made in the world, whatever else happens. Childless people have a right (and sometimes a strong drive) to make their own difference to the world too.

Your sister is probably coping with your illness, which I'm sure saddens her a great deal, by looking ahead and wondering what it's all for. Some charities really do change and save lives. Let her do what she thinks best with her money and make sure she doesn't think that's all your children want from her. Help them build a relationship independent of money.

Exactly this.

I don't need to be told it because it isn't true. It is sad that the OP has cancer. But it has absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with her perceived entitlement to her siblings money should they die. Neither she nor her children are entitled to that money, whether or not she has a potentially life limiting illness. Both she and the father have had opportunities to take out life insurances etc long before a diagnosis if concerned about the children's future. Presumably the father still can. Her current health has nothing at all to do with whether she has a right to her siblings money if they die. As far as she knows the sibling may outlive all of them. Her position is therefore irrelevant.

One doesn't get more entitled to someone else's money due to personal circumstances. I'm surprised anyone needs to be told that.

Then why aren’t you mad at your parents for not making provision for your kids in this eventuality? It’s quite common for grandparents to leave money to their grandkids if a parent dies.

It still has no relevance at all. There was no need to mention it at all. The questions is "am I being unreasonable to expect my sibling to leave their money to my kids" and the answer is yes, you are. The only reason to mention the cancer is because one thinks that makes one more entitled to the inheritance. It doesn't.

Hi OP I saw the heading of your post and I was expecting to disagree but then I read it all and I don’t.

To me, family is everything. I have come from very little but am now in a relatively comfortable position. I help my parents and in the past my sibling (who is also now doing quite well). I have never had any help (it would not have been possible) and that’s ok. However I have a child and I would absolutely expect my family to look after them (including financially) to the extent that they could. In effect paying it forward within the context of family.

When your sibling told you their intentions the word you used to describe your feelings was sad. This resounds with me. It would hurt me deeply if my family chose to pass on all of what they have to strangers (no matter how good the cause) rather than family (in the absence of family issues). A half way house of some to charity and the rest to family I can understand. But to have taken and not give back within the family unit does seem wrong.

This may be controversial but do your parents know of your siblings intentions. Would they be happy with their assets been passed on outside of the family. Could this be addressed in their Will as some type of life time interest for you and your sibling and then on to any children/next generation in the family.

Im very sorry about your health issues. I wish you all the best.

My DSis is very wealthy - I mean a flat in central London and a farmhouse in the country wealthy .They are childless out of choice and it's certainly up to them what they do with their money ! End of .