DP wants more money

[Itsnotbeeneasy]

Trying to keep this as concise without losing the detail or drip feeding!!

4 kids in total - blended family. 2 each. I moved into DPs house 2.5 years ago

When I moved in I asked how much he would want in contribution each month - he was unsure so I asked for vague bill amounts (utilities and mortgage) each month and then added extra for me and my 2 kids being here, halved the total and that’s what I pay. This was half to mortgage and all utilities/bills. He was v.happy with the initial figure

Obvs as we all know bills have increased since so I have increased my payment each month slightly without him asking. Then - he let slip that I was paying more than he was per month. Bear in mind I’m paying half his mortgage.

DP is now asking for a higher contribution again but is flatly refusing to let me see bills for utilities to work out the fair figures stating that if I have any record of these then I would have a claim to his property - which as said is in his name - and instead wants me to pluck a figure out of the air that I would ‘be happy with’

I will add I own nothing - I’ve only just got myself out of debt, no property etc. If we split I’d be homeless and renting - no savings. He has told me time and time again that he has £150k+ of equity in his property and keeps throwing in that he could buy a small property and be mortgage free

I think this conversation is a knee jerk reaction to this months salary I revived which has been a lot higher than ‘normal’ - and I quote he said ‘if I was paid that salary I wouldn’t have any issues’ - I have just received £4.5k after tax this month - a lot higher than usual as I’m on commission. I earn between £2.5k-4k usually after tax each month and until now had been paying off debts - finally clear now (mortgage shortfall on my house and debts my ex husband put in my name - it’s been really shit)

Its all felt very grabby tonight - I told him when I moved in that I wanted to save enough to buy a rental property so my kids have an asset it at least have a decent savings account - at the point I can do that he is now asking for more money.

Please help. I dont want to use gaslit as a throwaway phrase but I need some opinions

Why are you paying half his mortgage for no equity?!? You could move out and pay your own mortgage for 100% equity! I cannot believe you are putting up with this

YOu are not married.
You have zero protection.
AND he's using you to pay his bills at an unfair split AND his mortgage ... while your kids will end up with nothing if either of you die tomorrow.

I'd start socking away your money, stop paying his mortgage, and look to move out as soon as possible.

Stop buying expensive things for his house.

Just stop.

And get out of there. YOu would advise your own DCs to not get trapped in a relationship like this; take your own advice and get out of there!

Firstly, the comment about refusing to let you see the bills isn't gaslighting, it's being controlling - I suspect that he is worried that you may find that you have been paying more than half the bills. So that part is him being unreasonable.

However, if you weren't paying towards the mortgage costs and weren't living together, you'd be paying rent, which would probably be higher than half of a mortgage, so it's not necessarily an awful thing that you are paying additional on top of the bills.

Well as he owes you £2250 for the sofa you don’t need to pay anything for a few months. That’s what you’re comfortable with.

What is the point in advice like this?

This man is not honest or transparent about the bills anyway!

He says he has £150K in savings and could pay off his mortgage, so why the hell doesn't he? (instead of making the OP pay towards it?)

If a man isn't willing to let her see the outgoings, and his own financial affairs, in detail, the relationship is built on sand.

I'm shocked so many women are arguing over how much the OP should cough up, yet missing the really vital parts of her situation.

Firstly I don’t think having sight of mortgage and utility documents has anything to do with not being able to make a claim on the house.
It is if you are paying towards the
mortgage and utilities describing your payments accordingly

Some bills you can work out yourself

Tv licence is the same for everyone

The council tax you can work out just by finding the banding of the address then looking at the councils website as to what they charge for that band.

Gas and electricity, a bit more complicated and not an exact amount as companies have different plans but reading the metres each month then looking on the energy companies website to find out their standing charge and cost per kw and then adding 5% tax will give you a certain amount
Usually energy companies advertise on their envelopes if he ever gets any correspondence from them

Water falls into 2 sections. Those with water metres and those without. Although from experience as a family of 4 our bills regardless have always been between £40-£50 per month

House insurance, again not an exact amount, can be found if you know the company you can get a quote from their website or do a few comparison sites and find an average

Internet - look to see who you are with then look at their different plans and take the most expensive you think it could be or make a guess which plan is most likely

I would not be telling dp about what you earn and save. He keeps his finances secret so you do the same. If you are someone who has always freely given this information then look to knocking off an easy amount to remember like £1000 from whatever you earn and telling him that is the amount you earned that month.

He is grabby.
And why is he seeing your income when you’re not allowed to see household bills?
He’s onto a winner , you're paying 50% of his mortgage so he can either overpay and it’s paid off earlier or he’s stashing money away.
Sorry but he saw you coming.

Is what you are paying now significantly less than it would cost you to rent a place for you and your children? That isn't clear from your posts. The mortgage may be very low so the OP could be better off paying half.
I think he couldn't believe his luck with the initial figure you suggested and has now got greedy.
My advice would be to save every penny you can for your future.

Is he controlling in other ways? I bet you do more than your share of cleaning and cooking too, don’t you op?

Why did you pay for another sofa when the sofa company took the faulty one?

1. Are you married?

No. Then you'll be very unlikely to get anything at all if he dies.

1. How much are you paying relative to costs to rent.

You don't have the right to live there "rent" free.

He doesn't sound like a keeper though anyway.

How long have you been together / living together

You have kids. You need to put them first. It’s time to move out. Focus on putting yourself and your kids in a stable environment.

First reply nailed it.

4 kids in total - blended family. 2 each. I moved into DPs house 2.5 years ago

When I moved in I asked how much he would want in contribution each month - he was unsure so I asked for vague bill amounts (utilities and mortgage) each month and then added extra for me and my 2 kids being here, halved the total and that’s what I pay. This was half to mortgage and all utilities/bills. He was v.happy with the initial figure

if you had 2 kids each, why pay more than him

He has told me time and time again that he has £150k+ of equity in his property

Not savings

For e.g.

"DP and his two kids moved into my house 2.5 years ago. I have two kids and a large chunk of equity in my house." DP guesstimated half of the bills and mortgage and pays that amount to me every month. I've furnished and decorated the entire house but there's obviously a lot more wear and tear now. DH bought an outrageously expensive sofa that I don't want but he guilted me into saying that I would pay half. Thankfully the monstrosity turned out to be faulty so it's going back.

I'm very anxious about my financial future and security for me and my kids after an awful divorce. I don't want him to have a financial share in my house and he is living much cheaper than he could renting on his own. I mentioned to DP that as he is earning a lot more than me he could pay a slightly higher proportion of the bills. He eats a lot more than me and likes the heating on all day. It would also take into account cost of future repairs and maintenance. AIBU?"

I'm NOT saying her P is reasonable, just that women are, understandably and quite rightly given the benefit of the doubt on MN.

Well what’s the point of your reply? Yes, he isn’t transparent which I’ve already pointed out upthread. And I’ve already stated she should be seeing the bills??

However, she can also start looking at making better decisions of her own which is a valid point.

No savings and buying a 4.5K sofa especially without getting half upfront?

She said if she were to leave now she’d be homeless, if she starts making smarter decisions she can more quickly get herself into a position to leave if that’s what she wants and to avoid being duped in the future for a third time by yet another man.

“Hey partner, I’d really like for us to sit down and have a bit of a financial plan for the future. When I first moved in I was happy temporarily to pay half of the mortgage/bills etc so that we could all live together. Now that this is a permanent long-term relationship we need to have a chat about how to make this relationship mutually fair. Right now we are both paying into the living costs, but whilst you are building asset/equity, I am building nothing. You know this is obviously unfair for the long-term and leaves me very vulnerable. So let’s have a chat about what we can do going forwards - maybe you could rent out your house and we could buy a new house to live in together in both our names. Or maybe we could continue living in this house (with me paying less) and I buy a small property in my name as a BLT? What do you suggest?”

You're just a flatmate with generous benefits, OP.

Buying a sofa costing that much was a daft thing to do- but as others have said, give no more money until his half is paid off. Get your ducks in a row and get out of there.

Why has he got access to your financial information but you don’t have access to his?

This is a joke, you need to get this all hammered out right now or leave, because you are being made a mug of.

time to leave now.
that is unfair to pay more than half the bills n mortgage.
I would rather pay rent but not contribute to his mortgage, IMO.

Some of the mortgage that’s being paid will be paying off the capital sum, not just the interest, which means when the mortgage term is over he will own the house, and you will own 0% of the house. Therefore, he should be paying more mortgage if you see what I mean as only he should be paying off the capital sum as it’s for an asset he will fully own one day.

Ok, I think the real reason he doesn’t want you to know the actual mortgage and utilities costs (and what interest rate he’s paying, whether it’s been fixed for a while and how much he still owes), but he likes to know when you get a pay rise or can save up is because he’s ripping you off financially (especially if you take into account he’s getting a free housekeeper and child minder)

Also if he’s being secretive about household bills (to get more cash out of you), why are you telling him when you get bonuses!

Your ex ripped you off financially and so is this dude!

I wouldn’t rely on him going halves with you on anything. I think he sees what you are earning and knows you are saving and wants to keep you in your place by spending your money

Think about where your high salary this month has gone (on a £4.5k sofa) which I don’t think you will see his share

I can’t understand why you paid for something (anything) that you will never get your money back. Even if he paid £2250 how would you split the sofa when you leave

Essentially despite your high months salary you spent more than you earned.

I think you need to look at everything you spend your money on and ask yourself whether something is an appreciating or depreciating asset or an essential
And can you afford to leave any asset behind if you leave.
Just to give you a comparison, our sofa which was hardly used and in pristine condition came from FBMP and cost £110. I have never spent more than £200 on a sofa. Always 2nd hand and never had anything but pristine and hardly used. My first sofa lasted 20years. It went down the tip when we moved as ddog had pulled it apart and used it as a chew toy and it wasn’t worth the money to keep it in storage between houses

Fair point, so either she does so, or better still stops paying and leaves.

The word "partner" has a specific meaning. You don't have one. What you have is a roommate who is taking financial advantage of you.