DP wants more money

[Itsnotbeeneasy]

Trying to keep this as concise without losing the detail or drip feeding!!

4 kids in total - blended family. 2 each. I moved into DPs house 2.5 years ago

When I moved in I asked how much he would want in contribution each month - he was unsure so I asked for vague bill amounts (utilities and mortgage) each month and then added extra for me and my 2 kids being here, halved the total and that’s what I pay. This was half to mortgage and all utilities/bills. He was v.happy with the initial figure

Obvs as we all know bills have increased since so I have increased my payment each month slightly without him asking. Then - he let slip that I was paying more than he was per month. Bear in mind I’m paying half his mortgage.

DP is now asking for a higher contribution again but is flatly refusing to let me see bills for utilities to work out the fair figures stating that if I have any record of these then I would have a claim to his property - which as said is in his name - and instead wants me to pluck a figure out of the air that I would ‘be happy with’

I will add I own nothing - I’ve only just got myself out of debt, no property etc. If we split I’d be homeless and renting - no savings. He has told me time and time again that he has £150k+ of equity in his property and keeps throwing in that he could buy a small property and be mortgage free

I think this conversation is a knee jerk reaction to this months salary I revived which has been a lot higher than ‘normal’ - and I quote he said ‘if I was paid that salary I wouldn’t have any issues’ - I have just received £4.5k after tax this month - a lot higher than usual as I’m on commission. I earn between £2.5k-4k usually after tax each month and until now had been paying off debts - finally clear now (mortgage shortfall on my house and debts my ex husband put in my name - it’s been really shit)

Its all felt very grabby tonight - I told him when I moved in that I wanted to save enough to buy a rental property so my kids have an asset it at least have a decent savings account - at the point I can do that he is now asking for more money.

Please help. I dont want to use gaslit as a throwaway phrase but I need some opinions

The only reason he doesn't show you the bills is because you are already paying more than half of those and his mortgage. He wants you to offer to pay an even higher figure so he can profit even further from you.

He's not a partner, he's a leech trying to extract as much as possible from you.

If what she is paying each month is less than it would be to rent and pay bills on her own place and is able to save I would look at this as a mutually beneficial arrangement. He gets free childcare and a lot of his bills paid and op gets a roof over her and her children’s heads and the ability to save.

I would when she gets all her ducks in a row start to send £1 per month till the sofa has been paid for with the title of the payment Household(mortgage+Utilities)-sofa payment.

For as long as she can before he kicks her out.

Your ex obviously kept you in the dark about his debts and you ended up paying them off and losing your home. Your current partner is being greedy, getting you to pay more.

If you’re determined to stay and furnish his house for free for him, at least ask to see how much the actual bills are!

Sorry to say this, if your partner dies you will be homeless his property will go to his nxt of kin, which will be unless hes stated otherwise will be his children.
Maybe go into trust until they are of age via his solicitors.

If you can PROVE you pay half of everything you do have a claim on his property if you split up.

Think i would be very concerned why hes checking up on all this legal stuff.
Stop telling him how much you are earning.

I also think get your savings whacked up save every penny you can, tell him youve had a few bad months, get your self sorted ASAP.

What would he say if you said ive had a really bad month and can not afford to pay what i usually pay only half?
His reply should tell you all you need to know!

The faulty sofa btw - all in my name!!! Was £4.5k.

Bloody hell - was it made of gold? For ONE sofa? Did they see you coming?

And how the hell can he say that if he died tomorrow, it would all be yours? If this isn't in a legal document then he's talking bullshit. Flags, flags, flags all the way - get rid (you can probably add 'liar' to his list of attributes).

He's using you like a bank account. What's in it for you, exactly? As things stand at the moment, it looks like you have no protection (even more worryingly, neither have your kids). What are you even thinking of? It's just nuts that anyone would leave themselves so vulnerable, especially with kids.

@Itsnotbeeneasy Do you have anything in writing from him to say you are paying half of his mortgage? If so back it up.

From now on when you make a payment label it ''50% bills and mortgage''; and get legal advice about this whole situation asap.

Well a good starting point would be to stop telling him how much you earn 😬

I'd take advantage of half price living situation for a few more months, whack everything possible into my savings and buy a cheap property. Then get the hell out of there and away from the cheeky twat.

This should all be known to you, before you chose to make your kids live in your boyfriends property and expose yourselves to such risk. You need to secure housing for your kids. Forget your ‘darling partner’, if you must, just date him without dragging your kids into it.

https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/living-together-marriage-and-civil-partnership/living-together-and-marriage-legal-differences/

How old are DC? Honestly you need to raise the bar and put your children first. He drinks to much, isn't treating you fairly, you are not married and have no financial security. He clearly doesn't see you as an equal partner in this. Why would you put your kids (let alone yourself) into such a precarious, unhealthy situation. Even if you didn't know he was like that before you moved in, you know now. Honestly I find threads like this depressing. Although to be fair to him, if you have been able to clear huge debts you haven't done too badly out of the situation.

@Maplelady that's not "playing devil's advocate", that's just a tedious stab at what iffery. It isn't happening here so why try to pretend it is?

He is v grabby, as you mentioned he said he could be mortgage free soon, and then asking you for more money, but not showing you the actual bills! The cheek!

What happened to your old marital home?

I would not be buying this man anymore big purchases for ‘his’ house, you are seeing his true colours. I would be making a plan to leave, with your earnings you can rent, and save each money to have a house deposit quite quickly. Make sure you get money for the sofa from him. Every time he chases you for more money, remind him of the money he owes you, and keep nagging! In future put your monthly earnings towards a house for you and your children, not paying off this man’s mortgage!

I don’t normally comment on threads like this, but OP you seem to be doing really well for yourself in your career, from a difficult background. Please don’t allow this man to drag you down. Stay for a bit if you really need to get your ducks in a row, but then leave and don’t look back.

It certainly is!

And if it were true, OP could just lie, say she'd seen it but can't remember the details, and claim half of his "empire".

He's a total tw@t.

'If she leaves now she would be homeless'.

That is a rather odd thing for her to say.

Yes, if she literally walks out with a suitcase in her hand.

But given she's just spent £4.5K on a sofa, she has (had) money which would be a deposit for a rental, which she might be able to find in a few weeks UNLESS she has a bad credit record and can't rent.

From what she has said, taking home between £2.5K- £4K a month, it seems odd she regards herself as 'homeless' if she were to leave.

I'd expect her bank to provide references to say she was able to afford to rent a home.

Excellent point OP.

Give him a bill for childcare and housekeeping services.

You need to be married to get anything because currently his kids inherit if he dies. He needs to show you the bills, refusing but asking you to pay a random amount is obviously ridiculous. Any money you transfer needs to be referenced‘mortgage’, but that means nothing except for your records.

If we split I’d be homeless and renting - no savings.

These two things aren't compatible @Itsnotbeeneasy

If you were to rent, you'd not be homeless.

You paid for the sofa
Deduct that off your rent for the next few months
Why didn't he pay half of the sofa ?

Save up & move out

You absolutely have no claim on his house because you are not on the mortgage or deeds and you are not married. It doesn't matter if you pay half the mortgage. This is the shocking truth about being unmarried.

I would explain this to him and maybe show him something that proves this ( lots on internet) to make him understand.

However, if someone directly said to me, someone who is supposed to love me, that they don't want me to have any claim on their asset I would be off I'm afraid. Its such a bald statement, not qualified by anything.

If uou stay together you should draw up a legal agreement of who pays what.

He isn’t being fair and treating you like a partner.

However you are paying his mortgage the same way I’m paying my landlords mortgage. You are paying to live there as you should. I don’t agree that this means you are morally entitled to a share of the property.

You shouldn’t be paying more than half of utilities though unless you have your children there more.

So you deduct his share from your monthly payments until all is settled!! Or if further down the road you do split - you do own a sofa!!

This op. You have no claim. If something goes wrong you and your children are left with nothing. Get out and rent at least you will be in charge or the roof over your head. If you like continue to date him although this would be the end for me

4.5k on a new sofa ?

Do you have any savings ?

Your partner may actually be mortgage free ?

You may be paying more than 100% of the bills ?

DO NOT PAY ANY EXTRA than you are already paying

Any further upgrades or repairs to the property, he needs to pay himself. This includes painting & decorating, gardening, electrical, white goods etc
This is his property, so these are his responsibility !

How much are you paying him?

I would be paying around £500 a month to him and going half’s on the food costs.

Promise not to go after his house and definitely get on with saving for a deposit. He is clearly feeling hard done by even though you pay half of his mortgage!

Surely he shouldn’t profit from
you and nor you him.

I think this is a steady and reasonable approach. There are already red flags but how he responds to this will tell you all you need to know about the future of your relationship.