DP wants more money

[Itsnotbeeneasy]

Trying to keep this as concise without losing the detail or drip feeding!!

4 kids in total - blended family. 2 each. I moved into DPs house 2.5 years ago

When I moved in I asked how much he would want in contribution each month - he was unsure so I asked for vague bill amounts (utilities and mortgage) each month and then added extra for me and my 2 kids being here, halved the total and that’s what I pay. This was half to mortgage and all utilities/bills. He was v.happy with the initial figure

Obvs as we all know bills have increased since so I have increased my payment each month slightly without him asking. Then - he let slip that I was paying more than he was per month. Bear in mind I’m paying half his mortgage.

DP is now asking for a higher contribution again but is flatly refusing to let me see bills for utilities to work out the fair figures stating that if I have any record of these then I would have a claim to his property - which as said is in his name - and instead wants me to pluck a figure out of the air that I would ‘be happy with’

I will add I own nothing - I’ve only just got myself out of debt, no property etc. If we split I’d be homeless and renting - no savings. He has told me time and time again that he has £150k+ of equity in his property and keeps throwing in that he could buy a small property and be mortgage free

I think this conversation is a knee jerk reaction to this months salary I revived which has been a lot higher than ‘normal’ - and I quote he said ‘if I was paid that salary I wouldn’t have any issues’ - I have just received £4.5k after tax this month - a lot higher than usual as I’m on commission. I earn between £2.5k-4k usually after tax each month and until now had been paying off debts - finally clear now (mortgage shortfall on my house and debts my ex husband put in my name - it’s been really shit)

Its all felt very grabby tonight - I told him when I moved in that I wanted to save enough to buy a rental property so my kids have an asset it at least have a decent savings account - at the point I can do that he is now asking for more money.

Please help. I dont want to use gaslit as a throwaway phrase but I need some opinions

He’s just trying to take all he can from you. Why would you pay more than him when he’s the one building up the asset? He doesn’t want you having spare money or helping yourself. Don’t carry this on. And if he’s not showing you the bills then I wouldn’t pay any of them. You have a right to see the bills you are paying.

OP doesn't want to ask for half the sofa money it's hers and she takes it with her when she moves out OP needs to stop flashing her cash and sort herself out.

She’s contributing to his mortgage: ”This was half to mortgage and all utilities/bills” - that’s sufficient to claim a beneficial interest although property renovations that contribute to the value at her expense also do.

Nope nope nope.

He is using you. He can marry you or write a will leaving everything to you, or he can get stuffed.

The commission is the red herring here. Be clear to him - “DP, anything I earn above £3k each month is being transferred automatically into my private pension and savings. It’s not family money.” Then do it. Set up a private pension in your name with Vanguard or similar, with your children alone as beneficiaries. I see you’ve got a savings account - make sure it’s the kind where there’s a limit on money being taken back out (or get a second saving account like this). That’s your house/flat deposit savings, and can’t be touched until it’s reached X amount.

You can tell him you’re saving to buy a rental flat in your name, so you have an asset to leave your kids. In reality it can be your backup plan, too.

You earn a great salary btw, through your own hard work. More than enough to set yourself and your kids back up securely. Don’t let this man hinder you.

You earn a great salary btw, through your own hard work. More than enough to set yourself and your kids back up securely. Don’t let this man hinder you.

And don’t throw your money away on this shyster.

This. And shipping your kids into someone else's home and knowingly providing them False security- very irresponsible of you. What is it with women who make these types of decisions?? Foist their kids into such situations where the poor children have no choice. It also sounds like you are counting on him to provide you a home like he owes it to you? He could literally lock you and your kids out in the next hour and you have NO rights to fight him on this. Oh yes except for your couch 🤦‍♀️.

Nope, a lodger, with a proper agreement gets notice, not as much as you’d get with a rental, but you still get notice.

Oh love.

You need to leave this man.

This is financial abuse, almost.

I'd never dream of paying towards anything without seeing bank statements and bills, upfront, sitting down and discussing a fair contribution.

I'd also never pay for another person's mortgage.

AND you have children. It's not as if you are a single woman who can just walk away and get a house-share with other single people or easily rent a property.

I hope you will leave.

And, it might be best to consider if you are ready for a relationship with anyone because your boundaries seem quite poor. (ie you accept bullshit and still plough ahead with the relationship.)

If you have a history of men taking advantage or being unreliable, and there is a pattern, it may be worth taking time to reflect on this and set the bar higher in future.

I hope you find a way out of this.

He wants me to pluck a figure out of the air that I would ‘be happy with’
Keep paying the bills, stop paying the mortgage and put that money aside for your own house purchase. Write on a bit of paper that you agree that you won’t expect a share of the equity in the house- that will explain neatly to him why you’re not paying his mortgage for him.

DP is now asking for a higher contribution again but is flatly refusing to let me see bills for utilities to work out the fair figures stating that if I have any record of these then I would have a claim to his property - which as said is in his name - and instead wants me to pluck a figure out of the air that I would ‘be happy with

Fuck that shit. Besides, if you're paying half his mortgage you should have your name on the deeds.

mortgage shortfall on my house and debts my ex husband put in my name - it’s been really shit

So this isn't the first time a man has used you.

You're obviously doing well in your job but you're not being very sensible when it comes to men.

Seriously, and said kindly, you need to work out why you keep getting involved with these men and appear gullible.

Adding to the pages and pages of comment : I’m a solicitor and your starting position, right now, unmarried and no will is : you get nothing (apart from the sofa).

Also, lodging isn’t MUCH cheaper than renting, Naunet. It just means your landlord is live-in rather than live-out. I don’t think there’s much difference in the rent price between renting one room in a houseshare and one room with a live-in landlord.

You are being took for a mug.
You dont need mumsnet to tell you that.
If your intelligent enough to earn a good income , you are intelligent enough to see you need to step up and do more to protect your children financially.

Why can't you see he us talking out of his arse when he says if he dies tomorrow you get everything when there's no will I'm place and you're not married.
Surely you know it hogwash when he says you can't see the bills.
Wake up.

Why? Just why?

The OP could- and should, IMO- get out of this asap.

Get together a deposit for a rental for her and her children, and just leave.

Any more contributions are a waste of her income.

This is not a relationship that is going to end happily ever after and the sooner she's out of it, the better.

Sorry but as much as he’s being unreasonable, I think you’re really stupid to be contributing to the mortgage of another adult WHEN YOU ARE NOT NAMED ON THE DEEDS. You need to get married, or get added to the deeds; or stop paying towards his mortgage

Legally, you stand exactly where my grandma did.
She paid half of everything, seemed like eventually she was paying most of the food shop, and a few extra here, a few extra here. New carpet needed- she paid.
New sofa- she paid.
New kitchen- she paid.

OBVIOUSLY he would see she was OK if anything happened to him..obviously!!

They'd been together 30 odd years, he died. He didn't even tell her until he knew it was terminal.

She had no rights and was turfed out by his kids very quickly after.

She had no rights to his property at all, and was pretty much treated as though she had been a lodger.

The fact that you’re paying into a mortgage when you have absolutely no legal right to the house is INSANE.

You’ve wasted thousands of pounds paying into a home that you don’t even own! What are you thinking??

Either he puts you on the deeds (he won’t) you marry him (very stupid idea) or you leave - the only thing you should be doing right now is planning to leave him and get your own property.

In the meantime STOP paying for the bloody mortgage. Did you not get any financial advice before moving your children in with this man?? Absolute madness.

I think his attitude is off and his refusal to let you see the bills a financial abuse red flag tbh.

Does he earn less then you?
A fair amount would be a proportional percentage of what you both earn towards all household outgoings. So if you earn more you would pay more and if he earns more he would, but considering you have no security or assets and he does, then a savings contribution for you should be factored into the household outgoings.

Also unless he puts your name on the deeds of the house then you shouldn't have to contribute to the mortgage. That's not a family household outgoing, it's something he is buying for himself.

1. You are paying towards a mortgage you are not named on. Why would you want to do that?

2. You live with a man who is in emergency services and drinks too much. How on earth is this attractive?

3. You pay towards bills you have no access to. Erm.... why, again?

I agree with the poster who said you are a lodger he uses as a cash cow and a sex partner. You are, essentially, a source of income and a sex provider.

What do you get out of this arrangement, OP? What do your kids get out of it?

I'd leg it before the next bill you are not allowed to see comes in.

I’m not going to keep derailing this thread to talk about lodging, she’s not a lodger, and if she was, she’d have her own room and not have to share a bed with her landlord. The point is OP is paying more than 50% of the bills and mortgage, he wants even more, but she has no legal protections in the form of any kind of rental agreement or her name on the mortgage, and that, is not ok.

I'm sorry, OP, sounds like a terrible situation.

Even if you split mortgage/bills equally it would still be very unfair for you. He is slowly buying a house, you are helping him, but you will be left with 0 house at the end of it.

Especially considering you have kids and want financial security for them, things need to change. Personally, I would be considering a break up, but if you don't want that there are other options.

a) He could sell his house and you could buy somewhere together. b) You could move out and buy your own place, but still remain in a relationship. c) You could change your legal status through marriage or putting your name on the deed to the house.

I'm sure there are other possibilities that I haven't thought of. Basically, things need to change so that they are fair for everyone involved. Probably best to get legal advice and discuss with a close friend/counsellor to help get things clear in your head. Wishing you all the best.

That sofa is nearly a flat deposit surely?

Why are you paying half of a mortgage you have no right to and would end up homeless if get kicked out? What on earth where you thinking when you got into such a very beneficial agreement for him?

She is benefitting though, she'd have rent to pay otherwise Personally I wouldn't move in until I was at a point in the relationship where we both were prepared to share everything.