DP wants more money

[Itsnotbeeneasy]

Trying to keep this as concise without losing the detail or drip feeding!!

4 kids in total - blended family. 2 each. I moved into DPs house 2.5 years ago

When I moved in I asked how much he would want in contribution each month - he was unsure so I asked for vague bill amounts (utilities and mortgage) each month and then added extra for me and my 2 kids being here, halved the total and that’s what I pay. This was half to mortgage and all utilities/bills. He was v.happy with the initial figure

Obvs as we all know bills have increased since so I have increased my payment each month slightly without him asking. Then - he let slip that I was paying more than he was per month. Bear in mind I’m paying half his mortgage.

DP is now asking for a higher contribution again but is flatly refusing to let me see bills for utilities to work out the fair figures stating that if I have any record of these then I would have a claim to his property - which as said is in his name - and instead wants me to pluck a figure out of the air that I would ‘be happy with’

I will add I own nothing - I’ve only just got myself out of debt, no property etc. If we split I’d be homeless and renting - no savings. He has told me time and time again that he has £150k+ of equity in his property and keeps throwing in that he could buy a small property and be mortgage free

I think this conversation is a knee jerk reaction to this months salary I revived which has been a lot higher than ‘normal’ - and I quote he said ‘if I was paid that salary I wouldn’t have any issues’ - I have just received £4.5k after tax this month - a lot higher than usual as I’m on commission. I earn between £2.5k-4k usually after tax each month and until now had been paying off debts - finally clear now (mortgage shortfall on my house and debts my ex husband put in my name - it’s been really shit)

Its all felt very grabby tonight - I told him when I moved in that I wanted to save enough to buy a rental property so my kids have an asset it at least have a decent savings account - at the point I can do that he is now asking for more money.

Please help. I dont want to use gaslit as a throwaway phrase but I need some opinions

The fact she paid it to her partner who then paid the lender is of limited relevance. The amount she paid him was calculated to include her paying half the mortgage. She therefore paid half the mortgage. Stopping your unmarried partner having a claim on your property is not as simple as making sure that their contribution to the mortgage is paid to you, not to the lender.

You SHOULD have a claim to his property or the equity in it if you're paying half his mortgage

Do you not have evidence of your bank transfers to him each month?

Don't pay him anything until he pays you back for his half if the sofa. You shouldn't have to pay anything towards something he won't show you a statement for. There's an amount that's fair to both parties and since you aren't gaining any equity I'd say your contribution is too high.

It sounds like the might need a mediator or counsellor to work this out with him as he's being so secretive. Is it possible the house is paid off or has a very small mortgage so he's taking advantage of you? Or the opposite, that he had a gambling problem or something? Can you pay your contribution directly to the bank?

Or charge him 'rent' which is half the sofa price but retain ownership of the sofa like he's doing! Do that on any other furnishings you've brought 😜

@Itsnotbeeneasy

this is what I’d do in your situation

1. make plans to leave but tell him nothing.
2. not argue with him, grey rock it .
3. in the meantime, save as much as possible, give him as little money as possible and try to get evidence of what I’d pay already towards his mortgage

I don’t need to tell you how to get a private rental, you are a smart woman with a good income. Start looking tomorrow , it can take months

Give him as little money and info as possible over until you can get out. Tel him anything you like eg your mum / best friend needed a loan to pay her mortgage / bills/ car and you will pay him next week. Tell him this in person ie not by text.

Don’t ague about the crazy expensive sofa, it’s yours anyway if you bought it and your name is on the payment plan.

Do text him ( or ideally email him, but that might make him suspicious unless you usually do that ) and have a discussion about how much you are going to pay going forward. Explain what you’ve done in the past eg

“ when I first moved in in July 2022 you said the mortgage was 1000/ month and you wanted half. So I paid you 500 for the mortgage and 350 for the bills. I also agreed to pay all the food shop and half the council tax.”

” Then in March 2023 I put the bills up to 500, so I paid you 1000/month, 500 for the mortgage and 500 for the bills. So what do you reckon is fair now ? “

Don’t I repeat DONT have this conversation in person, you need a
Record, like a text / emails / recording of a phone call. You are not trying to argue with him and win, you are trying to get proof that you have paid towards the house.

why do women keep saying this?

No one has any right @Unexpectedlysinglemum and it's a common misunderstanding.

Unless someone is on the mortgage agreement, legally drawn up and they are a co-owner (and they have a Deed of Trust which decides on the percentage of capital/ equity they contributed initially) they don't have any claim.

Of course it differs if they are married.

This idea that handing over money each month to someone and having a claim on their property is bonkers.

If the OP was a lodger, with a tenancy in writing and paying rent, it's feasible she could have some rights (ie not being forced out) but she has no rights at all and especially no claim on his house.

@Itsnotbeeneasy wrote that the man drinks a lot, that’s where his money goes. Awful of them both to inflict this on kids.

Why should he give her control of his assets when he has his own children?. This would not be expected from a woman. Theres nothing wrong with her paying her way!

Stop paying half of his mortgage! That’s insane. Half of bills sure, but not his mortgage.

Sod that, I'd be telling him I've decided to pay less as he cant be transparent about how much the bills/mortgage are

Then I'd be saving as much as possible as quickly as possible and I'd be out of there taking my sofa with me!

Except that the default legal position is that you will have no right to a share of the property, unless you can prove that you have ‘acquired an interest’ in the property by contributing to the mortgage or home improvements.

OP has been contributing to the mortgage. She needs to be able to prove it.

You need to reclaim your financial independence OP. He is not trustworthy. He drinks too much,to the extent his finances are negatively affected. I wouldn't try to make this fair - it's unlikely to work. You are entitled to nothing, if he dies or you split.He knows that. You therefore need to split ASAP, before you sink any more money into his house and lifestyle. He doesn't give a damn about your security. He isn't treating you like a partner, or blended family. Definitely don't marry him - I see you ending up responsible for his debts, if you do.

Why write such nonsense? 🥴 By that logic, guests SHOULD have a claim on B&Bs they stay in, and tenants SHOULD have a claim on their landlords property 😄

Yes she may have established a beneficial interest in the property.

Op would need to discuss details with a solicitor.

If you ever make another payment to this man, start using the reference "mortgage". See if he reacts to that

Two initial positives here. Firstly, you have gotten yourself out of debt - so congratulations - you should feel good about that. Secondly, you earn a good salary, and apart from the living situation right now you don't need to rely on him for anything.

I would be very put off that you are paying off his mortgage and the way he has behaved. Very grabby and very unattractive!

How is your relationship generally? Any plans for future marriage?

You paid 4.5k on a sofa but you don't have your own deposit? How much are you actually contributing are your dc there all the time?

Yes she mayhave established a beneficial interest in the property.

Op would need to discuss details with a solicitor.

@GabriellaMontez She hasn't. If she had, it would be a legal mortgage agreement where she was named as the co-owner.

She wouldn't have started this thread if that was the case.

If you look at it this way; it’s like he has a savings account (his house in this case), where you’re also putting money into, but when the investment matures, all the money in the account goes to him. A house is an investment, and you’re paying into that investment, but with no claim to any money back from its sale, if/when that happens. He must think all his Christmas’s have come at once. If you’re in this relationship for the long haul, then you should say you’re happy to contribute, but that your name needs to be on the mortgage, even if he pro rata’s any profit to reflect he has a larger investment in the property, so that you’re at least getting something back from it.

This is incorrect.

Op would need to speak to a solicitor to discuss details.

It's complex. But doesn't necessarily require documentation.

Why are you giving legal advice on something you obviously don't know about?

whilst it sounds v unfair, and certainly you need to know what the bills are, how much does what you're contributing compare to what you'd pay in rent & bills for your own place?

Long term, get out - but in the short term it could be more cost effective to stay put.

You’re depriving yourself and you children of a potential home by paying this money grabbing shitwipe too much money. Chuck him in the bin, let him pay for his own fucking house.

DP is now asking for a higher contribution again but is flatly refusing to let me see bills for utilities to work out the fair figures stating that if I have any record of these then I would have a claim to his property

I think we all know that it's the paying, not having access to the payment records, which might be construed as an interest in the property.

And we can all guess that he thinks that if you see the actual bills you will know how much more you are paying than he is paying.

Doesn't look good, no wonder you are wondering whether this is reasonable. It really isn't.

And anyone who thinks that an unmarried partner would inherit in the absence of a will is .. well you don't want want to see the gaslighting word. But this, too, is seriously not correct. I can't think of any good reasons why he would tell you that. It's just wrong but he clearly doesn't want to make a will which would leave it all to you. You need to work from the basis that you will not inherit.

I would not be happy contributing to any bills without seeing the statements. Reduce your contributions seriously until you see the bills. Then contribute your portion of bills excluding mortgage. I wouldn't usually suggest this but you have already contributed too much so you should redress that balance.

Build up your deposit and get out as fast as you can. Hold back on the expensive furniture until you are in a better financial situation. Good luck.

Tell him you will pay 50% of any household bills he shows you and 50% of the interest on the mortgage, again when paperwork is provided. If he doesn't provide bills/statements he doesn't get paid.
Unless he can show you proof that he has named you on his death in service benefits you are entitled to nothing. My partner of 8 years died without a will in Sept and I wasn't entitled to anything. It all went to his parents. They chose to split the money the way they believed he would have wanted, which meant I got his pension and death in service benefits, but I could easily have ended up with nothing.