DP wants more money

[Itsnotbeeneasy]

Trying to keep this as concise without losing the detail or drip feeding!!

4 kids in total - blended family. 2 each. I moved into DPs house 2.5 years ago

When I moved in I asked how much he would want in contribution each month - he was unsure so I asked for vague bill amounts (utilities and mortgage) each month and then added extra for me and my 2 kids being here, halved the total and that’s what I pay. This was half to mortgage and all utilities/bills. He was v.happy with the initial figure

Obvs as we all know bills have increased since so I have increased my payment each month slightly without him asking. Then - he let slip that I was paying more than he was per month. Bear in mind I’m paying half his mortgage.

DP is now asking for a higher contribution again but is flatly refusing to let me see bills for utilities to work out the fair figures stating that if I have any record of these then I would have a claim to his property - which as said is in his name - and instead wants me to pluck a figure out of the air that I would ‘be happy with’

I will add I own nothing - I’ve only just got myself out of debt, no property etc. If we split I’d be homeless and renting - no savings. He has told me time and time again that he has £150k+ of equity in his property and keeps throwing in that he could buy a small property and be mortgage free

I think this conversation is a knee jerk reaction to this months salary I revived which has been a lot higher than ‘normal’ - and I quote he said ‘if I was paid that salary I wouldn’t have any issues’ - I have just received £4.5k after tax this month - a lot higher than usual as I’m on commission. I earn between £2.5k-4k usually after tax each month and until now had been paying off debts - finally clear now (mortgage shortfall on my house and debts my ex husband put in my name - it’s been really shit)

Its all felt very grabby tonight - I told him when I moved in that I wanted to save enough to buy a rental property so my kids have an asset it at least have a decent savings account - at the point I can do that he is now asking for more money.

Please help. I dont want to use gaslit as a throwaway phrase but I need some opinions

My perspective is that all bills plus the interest payment of the mortgage should be split based on a fair agreement such as a percentage share dependent on take home salary.

The repayment of the mortgage is essentially his savings, and if you split he will keep it all and you’ll be high and dry.

I would suggest he pays the repayment part while you pay an equal amount into a savings account. Then you can either save for your own rental place if you wish, or with a view to eventually buying together or paying it into his mortgage if your name goes on the house.

This way, if you stay together.. great, you both have savings/equity to pursue your life together. If you split.. you both have paid fair living expenses while both having the opportunity to save

You aren't entitled to anything. You don't even have lodgers rights. If he dies you'll get nothing. If he decided to throw you out then you have no rights.

I think he's being entirely unreasonable if you ate paying more monthly to the mortgage and utilities than him. He's not being transparent about the costs for a reason yet your being transparent about your earning.

Personally, I'd be looking at finding alternative accommodation and taking my sofa with me.

This is a fallacy- she is not entitled to any share of the house unless she is named on the mortgage or on the deeds or married. Unmarried women in relationships have no rights over property they don't legally own.

This isn't true in any way. Unless you are married or on the deeds or mortgage you have no interest in a property at all. Many women have been caught out believing this. Even after many years of cohabitation they can be out on their ear.

Oh joy, yet another woman subsidising and supporting a man with household chores and child support without any protection!

He has been ripping you off. You have zilch at the end of the relationship or if he dies. Great for him that he had enough money to buy another property.

I guess all the bills are solely in his name.

Time to get your ducks in row ….. ASAP

He is taking advantage of you and will continue to do so until you stop him. You need a copy of each bill including the mortgage to work out what is half of the bills. I'm not legal but would suggest you ring a family solicitor for advice about the house and what would happen if he dies. The first 15 minutes is free. Stop buying big stuff and put every penny you can into a high interest saving account. And don't tell him how much you get paid. If he isn't open about finances why should you be.

You’re being taken for an absolute mug.

@Barney16 no need to pay a solicitor for that. She'd be out.she has as many right to the boyfriends property as you or I do.

Movinghouseatlast.
This isn't true in any way. Unless you are married or on the deeds or mortgage you have no interest in a property at all. Many women have been caught out believing this. Even after many years of cohabitation they can be out on their ear.

Oh have the laws changed then do you know?
Someone i know moved into his girlfriends house after 3.5 years they split he left went to a solicitor she had to pay him off as he proved he'd paid towards her mortgage and household bills, it was about 25 years ago though.
She told me this herself had to re-mortgage to pay him £8,000. Although i suspect the lawyers will of fought to take a hefty fee, no one ever gets rich bar solicitors in these situations.

Like FUCK would I be shagging someone and paying them "rent" for the privilege whilst having less say and rights over my living situation than any random tenant.
I have been thrown out by a partner with just a bin bag of clothes and my child as a result of him going into a rage of unfounded jealousy. I ended up in a refuge. At least he had politely refused my offers of financial contribution otherwise he'd be even more of a cunt.

I have my own house now and I would never charge any "rent" if I was to co-habit with someone. Halving the utilities and food would do (that's the only legally and morally correct way to go about it).

OP, give him the new figure - your usual payment minus the mortgage contribution.

You can probably find out things like: council tax (this is banded depending on house value), approx gas/water and electricity - just by knowing what supplier etc and then googling for averages based on the property size? 150k equity is not much in my view- so assuming the property is mortgaged up to the balls - is your partner trying to indicate that he'd ideally like to buy something cheaper? Also you haven't said when the mortgage renewal has/will take place, if for example that happened last year, you guys might be paying 6% interest- or some other daft figure? I'd say to him that I want to see paper copies of everything - not for you to keep obviously- to work out an equitable split. You don't have any claim to his property unless you are married.

Leave op

The law hasn't changed Barney60. An unmarried partner whose name isn't on the mortgage might be able to build up an equitable interest in the house for at least some share. However, there are certain things that must be in place to enable this and even if this means that someone is able to file a legal claim with a court, the claim might not succeed leaving them nothing and on the hook for legal costs, or the amount eventually secured could be lower than the legal costs.

https://www.silkfamilylaw.co.uk/blog/weve-just-separated-and-are-not-married-but-our-house-is-in-my-ex-partners-name-do-i-have-any-rights/

@Itsnotbeeneasy

I will also add DP drinks more than I would desire which is where much of his financial issue comes from. But right now - please help that this is not me

This is a dealbreaker for me, maybe it should be for you? If he 'drinks more than you desire' chances are that's because there is some effect of his drinking you don't like. Loses his temper? Passes out so you end up 'doing it all' for his kids as well as yours? Leaves you with all the kids so he can go drinking with his mate? If he drinks to excess in front of the kids, the optics aren't so great, either.

For anyone who has any knowledge of this - DP is emergency services and has said if he dies tomorrow I would have control of everything. He has no Will to state this. I’m so sick of feeling like I’m being gaslit

Unless your name is on 'everything' or you have Power of Attorney, then that's bullshit. As others have said, if he dies without a will everything goes to his minor children and probably with their mother as trustee. That'd be nice, wouldn't it? Having his ex-wife in charge of whether or not you can stay in the house?

As far as pulling some random figure out of thin air for your monthly contribution, you know he's hoping that you'll continue to 'overcompensate' your share. I'd offer something ridiculously low and tell him you're 'happy with that' because you need to save for your and your DCs future needs. Then when he balks at it, tell him that if he wants you to pay more, he'll need to show you proof of why you should pay more than you're 'happy with'.

What a wanker. BTW, do you feel the 'home duties' are split fairly? Do you find yourself being unpaid childcare for his children so he or his exW don't have to arrange paid childcare? Or so he can sit back and do nothing for his own children?

You need to think about what you're really getting out of this relationship.

Sorry to be lazy haven’t read the whole thread and I’m sure you gave already been told this but - you gave absolutely no claim to his property. No rights. Nada. Zip. Doesn’t matter if you’ve contributed and if there’s a reference on the bank transfer. You’re not married and the house is in his name. This used to be my line of work. Get out he is financially abusing you. You can take your time, get your ducks in a row, but keep your eye on the door. Sounds like your ex did something similar by putting debts in your name. You deserve better. Good luck.

Can you afford to buy your own property?
If you can, I would do that.
In the meantime I would probably try to stop seeing the payment you make as paying towards his mortgage (you would need to pay housing costs wherever you live).
What is his view on marriage?
I must admit, I would never marry again because of the risk of losing half my house in a separation but I am at a completely different stage of life to you.

I get the feeling some ill-informed mate at the pub has been drip feeding misinformation into DP’s ear and he thinks he is vulnerable. I’d make it clear that you know you have no rights to his home and this is exactly why you are reducing your contribution to reflect that you share in bills, pay a nominal rent, are owed 50% for the sofa, and provide free housekeeping/childcare for children that are not yours - and will be saving towards a deposit on a home of your own. This home could be a shared one in a few years time if he changes his act, or it will be one for you only.

Why is he asking for more if you already pay more than he does PLUS it's helping him pay off his mortgage? That's really grabby behaviour. Not wanting you to see the bills because it would give you a claim on the house doesn't make any sense, it's more likely because he doesn't want you to see exactly how much more you have been paying.

To me, it seems like you are both trying to use eachother. I dont think this is a proper relationship /partnership. It looks like a partnership of convenience. He's trying to use you to pay his bills probably bc he knows you are trying to use him to save up money to buy a property for your children, like young adults do these days, living with their parents in order to save up deposit money, only you arw living with a man,not your parents. You don't want to leave him just yet, bc you have your end-game in mind. Don't think either of you are covering yourself in glory tbh

He asked you to suggest an amount - I would say exactly half of the bills, starting from when he's shown them to you to prove what they are. That's it, nothing towards the mortgage. Tell him his house might be his future security, but you need something of your own and need to put the money towards that instead. I get that he doesn't want you to have half his house if he's been there a while, because I would not allow that to happen either, it's for my children and no one else. But you are entitled to the same thing and he can't have it both ways.

Plan going forward:

Stop paying the money that represents half the mortgage. Save it instead. If he complains tell him you are concerned about the appearance you could be making a claim on the house - this is his concern, too, so he should certainly be happy, right? Go 2-3 months like this or however long you can without him going ape shit. You are now using him and he will get twitchy. Save that money.

In the 3rd month, sell the sofa, return it, whatever, to get them money back. Save that money.

Use those funds as escape money.

Does he actually know that this month you've earned more? Is he generally aware of your monthly earnings while he refuses to disclose the households' monthly bills?

If you are not married you have no rights on his assets. I've read on Mumsnet that if you are not married you should have evidence that you pay someone's mortgage or bills e.g. a direct debit to the mortgage account and not just hand him money so you can register your interest in his property. You can't register an interest If you have a rental agreement because he can use this against you to say that you were just a tenant. If he doesn't want you to have any interest in his property then he'll need to help you save and not pay HIS mortgage on a property you have no interest in.

This!

Time to put yourself and your kids first OP. Start squirrelling away as much cash as possible for either a rented house or ideally for a deposit on a mortgage. Stop paying him anything towards his mortgage. Pay as little as possible towards the bills in his house and then get yourself and the kids out. Put the sofa refund towards the escape fund. Are there family/ friends you could go to if you need to get out quickly? He's using you to subsidise his bills /mortgage / free housekeeper / childcare for kids that aren't yours. Time to start planning your escape, you've wasted 2 and a half years on this man. Please don't waste a minute more on him.

I have only read the OP, but he is clearly talking rubbish. Seeing the utility bills would not give you a claim to the property. He may think it does, but he is wrong. However, you may already have a claim to the property through paying half the mortgage unless the payments are interest only. You may be able to claim some of the £150k equity to help you set up independently. Consult a solicitor.