To be upset about Ex’s new partner bathing our child?

[IcyCat]

Bit of relevant background: ExH and I have been separated for 18 months, hopefully soon to be divorced. We have 3 children (7, 9 & 11) and we get along/co-parent fairly well most of the time. I am the resident parent, our children stay over at his 1-2 nights per week depending on his schedule.

He's been with his new partner for about a year and they’ve recently moved in together. I’ve not met her, but the children like her a lot, so I’ve no problem with her generally. She has children of her own who live with them full time, they don’t see their father due to previous abuse (according to ExH).

Tonight I started running a bath, and DD (7) told me she didn’t need a bath, because she’d already had one with ”partner’s name” before I picked her up (at tea time).
So I said “Oh ok, daddy didn’t tell me you had a bath today.” And then she said daddy didn’t know because he was out at football practice with DS (which was 2pm ish so middle of the day?), and ”partner” gave her a bath, she helped her wash her hair and dried her off, dried her hair etc when she got out.

I feel a bit weird about this. Firstly I don’t think it’s at all appropriate for this woman to be bathing my young child, it’s her dad’s responsibility. Secondly, why do it while he’s out, and to put her in the bath in the middle of the day is odd anyway? I did ask DD if she had been doing some kind of messy play to need a bath but she said no.

I don’t want to accuse this woman of anything because as far as I can tell from the conversation with DD, nothing else happened besides the bath. DD wasn’t upset and told me conversationally, but I’m not comfortable with it at all and wouldn’t want it to happen again.

I know ExH will likely say I’m overreacting so I thought I’d ask mumsnet before I raise it with him, I’m sure I can rely on honest opinions here!

So AIBU to be upset by this?

You don't know anything about the scenario though and neither does OP! That's why she needs to have a conversation about it And no police or social services would EVER advice a parent to not question situations out of the ordinary.

You are confusing what can be prosecuted with what needs to be questioned. This has nothing to do with the police or social services yet- it isn't a crime as far as OP knows. It's a conversation about boundaries and parental expectations and the child's bodily autonomy.

The only advice here should be to OP to question and investigate it. It's her child and just because police/social services don't do anything doesn't mean OP can't enforce her own boundaries.

@GlennCloseButNoCigar Again, I believe it depends on circumstances. You can't truly ever know anyone at the end of the day. I'm studying a case where a husband murdered his whole family after being married for 6 years. There's no hard and fast rule and all a person can do is go on their gut instinct, knowledge they have about the person and how their children feel about the situation.

@OodlesPoodle I agree that we don't know the scenario. You would hope social workers and police wouldn't but they do unfortunately. Hence my previous post upthread saying that I would never report anything again due to their attitude. I'm not saying OP shouldn't question if it makes her uncomfortable but I was trying to put other scenarios forward first as I don't think jumping to conclusions is always productive.

I think you are right to be concerned OP. It’s unlikely to be anything sinister but it shows a lack of judgement on her part. But then, they both have, by moving in so quickly with children involved.

I’d be freaked out too Op and think most normal adults would not put themselves in this situation, bathing someone else’s child while everyone is out.
I’m more freaked out by the idea of young children staying 1-2 nights a week with 3 people you have never even met though… I can’t imagine that at all.
Why wouldn’t you want to meet the other family your children live part time with?

It does indeed make sense now.

There's a consensus from child psychologists and other experts that children should be introduced at the earliest around 6-12 months to new partners and moving in much later. 3 months is very irresponsible. Even if it works out, it’s still no reason to push this into others. The potential for things to go wrong is higher if you rush things.

**onto

@SlowStartSundays Context hasn't been given here and the previous poster has cherry picked what she wanted to make me look bad.

My DH had an enhanced DBS check at the time as he worked with children and was well known and had a good reputation with the school. All teachers and the head teacher knew him and had worked with him. My daughter knew him for a long time before I did.

Perhaps the whole story should be gained before judging people.

I agree, you don’t ever truly know someone. So all the more reason to err on the side of caution, and take things slow and steady when kids are involved.

Cases like you mentioned do happen, but are incredibly rare and usually have other mitigating circs.

There’s nothing to be lost by waiting a bit before chucking loads of people who don’t truly know each other into the same house, but an awful lot to be gained. I’m not of the opinion that the only option is gut instinct after a few months. Far more options are available to people in order to safeguard their children.

I'd be fine with that - perhaps they didn't have a bath the night before or got messy or perhaps her own child needed a bath. As she is a mum with her own kids I'd be ok with it. I would keep an eye on it though because it's slightly strange with kits to just have a bath at 2pm.

I would be uncomfortable with this. At best, it shows lack of boundaries. Your child’s dad should be doing any care like this if necessary. He doesn’t sound great to have moved in so soon.

@GlennCloseButNoCigar It was a lot more than gut instinct but I do appreciate what you are saying.

The point I was trying to make for the OP has somehow been lost in all of this questioning my relationship and how I was irresponsible etc so I don't wish to derail the thread any further for the OP.

@24hrCarer 3 months is crazy, even with dbs checks. 🙄 It’s not just about abuse.

It’s unlikely there was anything untoward in what OP described but thsg doesn’t mean it’s ok.

As I said, my daughter knew him a lot longer than I did so it was a fairly unique situation. I'm happily married and my children were and are happy which is all that matters.

Anyway, I don't think it would be productive for me to comment further as it's derailing the thread for the OP.

It is super weird: we had my niece and nephew stay over recently, 5 and 7. Their mum said they needed a bath so they had one with my younger son. I was in the room but I didn't 'help' apart from reminding them to wash. My husband, as a not blood related male, wasn't even in the room. It just feels sensible?

I'm a step-parent. In 12 years I've never bathed my step-children. And DH has never bathed my children in all those years.

Like Ian Huntley then..

a dbs check just means they’ve never been caught, or in his case never been prosecuted.

I’m not saying that’s anything that would happen to you, or you’ve done anything wrong, you’re free to make your own choices in life and assess/mitigate the risks, but relying on a system with faults to determine if someone is ‘safe‘ is no replacement for trust built up over time and mitigating the risks in other ways. You shouldn’t be advising people it’s safe when you just can’t know that.

When people on here ask for tips what to do indoors with your children on a rainy day, have a bath in the middle of the day always comes up..

I know I'm in the minority but I agree with this. When I was a step mother we'd go on trips mainly to see ex dp family which was his idea of vacation. Our dd is very hard to co sleep with. Hits kicks climbs on you hogs the bed. She's famous in our family for it lol. His dd my dsd would ask to sleep with me instead. I always allowed it but I always felt that it would very much offend her mother and honestly it felt awkward. I don't believe op was ever suggesting something sinister about the bath only that it felt off

Of course in an ideal world I would like to meet them and I have asked ExH to facilitate this repeatedly but he has refused. He said there’s no need and that I should trust his judgement as their father. We had been separated 6 months when he met her, he met her children immediately and waited until 6 months to introduce ours - at my request. He moved in with her a few weeks ago.

He does pick ups and drop offs to/from my house or the school, her children go to a different school as they live in a different catchment area from me so we’re not likely to bump into each other organically.

he met her children immediately

Shes definitely lacks boundaries then. How fucking irresponsible.

And he should have refused to meet them as well. Pair of idiots.

in an ideal world I would like to meet them and I have asked ExH to facilitate this repeatedly but he has refused. He said there’s no need and that I should trust his judgement as their father.
He sounds like a knob. Would he be just fine with you moving a man and two teenagers into your house, with your children, and refusing to let him meet them? I wouldn’t trust his judgment at all.

Children at seven can shower or bath themselves. Hairwashing can be done dressed, at any sink or with a hand held shower, leaning over the bath. As for 'pulling that shit', if they disagree with my position they are wrong, and we'll pull the 'safeguarding' shit on them, shall we?

I get why you feel uneasy and I don't think I'd be happy either. Not sure how you bring it up to your ex though so sorry not helpful. Maybe just say if she needs to have a bath at his then all she needs help with is running the water? A 7 year old should be fine to bath themselves.

They’re both showing a severe lack of judgment from meeting her kids immediately to this situation of her bathing your child. You’re right to feel uncomfortable. I would speak to your ex, but I’m not confident it will be received well or will change anything as they both sound irresponsible.