Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset about Ex’s new partner bathing our child?

403 replies

IcyCat · 17/02/2024 23:27

Bit of relevant background: ExH and I have been separated for 18 months, hopefully soon to be divorced. We have 3 children (7, 9 & 11) and we get along/co-parent fairly well most of the time. I am the resident parent, our children stay over at his 1-2 nights per week depending on his schedule.

He's been with his new partner for about a year and they’ve recently moved in together. I’ve not met her, but the children like her a lot, so I’ve no problem with her generally. She has children of her own who live with them full time, they don’t see their father due to previous abuse (according to ExH).

Tonight I started running a bath, and DD (7) told me she didn’t need a bath, because she’d already had one with ”partner’s name” before I picked her up (at tea time).
So I said “Oh ok, daddy didn’t tell me you had a bath today.” And then she said daddy didn’t know because he was out at football practice with DS (which was 2pm ish so middle of the day?), and ”partner” gave her a bath, she helped her wash her hair and dried her off, dried her hair etc when she got out.

I feel a bit weird about this. Firstly I don’t think it’s at all appropriate for this woman to be bathing my young child, it’s her dad’s responsibility. Secondly, why do it while he’s out, and to put her in the bath in the middle of the day is odd anyway? I did ask DD if she had been doing some kind of messy play to need a bath but she said no.

I don’t want to accuse this woman of anything because as far as I can tell from the conversation with DD, nothing else happened besides the bath. DD wasn’t upset and told me conversationally, but I’m not comfortable with it at all and wouldn’t want it to happen again.

I know ExH will likely say I’m overreacting so I thought I’d ask mumsnet before I raise it with him, I’m sure I can rely on honest opinions here!

So AIBU to be upset by this?

OP posts:
puzzledout · 18/02/2024 14:46

@StopStartStop I noticed you've avoided answering at what age? No, I would t allow it, I'd go back to court.every.single.time!

No safe guarding issues there, just over zealous I want to call the shots!

RadiatorHead · 18/02/2024 14:46

I’d think it was weird too @IcyCat If I’d been that woman, had a wash been necessary, I’d have just done a quick flannel wash at the sink but not a full bath. However, it sounds as though a wash wasn’t needed at all.

At least your daughter felt ok to tell you about it though.

NYC2018 · 18/02/2024 14:49

puzzledout · 18/02/2024 14:46

@StopStartStop I noticed you've avoided answering at what age? No, I would t allow it, I'd go back to court.every.single.time!

No safe guarding issues there, just over zealous I want to call the shots!

Sorry if I've missed something in the thread that already answers this but what would you go back to court for every time?

puzzledout · 18/02/2024 14:51

@NYC2018 a father being told he can't bathe his seven year old daughter...... or wash her hair whilst she's in the bath.

If I was that father, I would go back to court.

Those are not rules that I think k are fair or good. Yes some may be able to wash their own hair, but many seven year olds have long hair and wouldn't rinse it properly.

wordler · 18/02/2024 14:53

For the timing it was more likely that they’d had a lazy night the day before and not had baths and then knowing that your child was due back at your house doing it before the return so that she returned clean and looked after. Your ex might have even asked his partner to do it because he didn’t have time.

You just need to discuss with ex and explain what you’d prefer the ground rules to be over bathing and personal care. But be prepared to have to deal with his decision for parenting on his time if he doesn’t agree.

Muddywalks34 · 18/02/2024 14:55

Maybe she noticed her hair was looking a bit dirty or she was just generally looking a bit grubby (as 7 year olds often are) and wanted to send her home to you clean, possibly in an attempt to reassure you she is in good hands when staying with them. She is a mum herself not doubt trying to negotiate a the step mum territory, especially as she is in sole charge of them. I wouldn’t think anything of the time of day, on a weekend my girls will often have their bath or shower mid day, me I usually have mine around 4pm, every house works differently

Delphiniumandlupins · 18/02/2024 14:58

Wash she having a bath during the day as she had missed the night before? Maybe your DD, or her hair, were muckier than the child realised. Also, as her children are older, the gf may have forgotten that a 7 yr old can wash and dry herself. Your DD seems unconcerned but you can reinforce boundaries with her.

NYC2018 · 18/02/2024 15:01

puzzledout · 18/02/2024 14:51

@NYC2018 a father being told he can't bathe his seven year old daughter...... or wash her hair whilst she's in the bath.

If I was that father, I would go back to court.

Those are not rules that I think k are fair or good. Yes some may be able to wash their own hair, but many seven year olds have long hair and wouldn't rinse it properly.

Thanks for explaining. I agree with you. It's not particularly an issue that the court would be interested in, in the sense of prohibiting it from happening. Courts understand that step parents or partners that live with the parent do take on a parental role and do parenting duties if necessary.

Unless there was a concerning disclosure made by the 7 year old, I don't think it would be appropriate to interfere with the fathers time to that extent. Presumably he has PR so can make that decision himself whether he is comfortable with his partner showering his daughter.

GatoradeMeBitch · 18/02/2024 15:05

YANBU, but I can think of reasons why she would want her to be perfect before seeing you. Most obvious one being that some women go OTT when it comes to hygiene and everything being squeaky clean. Perhaps she doesn't want to give you cause to think that your child is not pristine while in her care.

Etincelle · 18/02/2024 15:33

Muddywalks34 · 18/02/2024 14:55

Maybe she noticed her hair was looking a bit dirty or she was just generally looking a bit grubby (as 7 year olds often are) and wanted to send her home to you clean, possibly in an attempt to reassure you she is in good hands when staying with them. She is a mum herself not doubt trying to negotiate a the step mum territory, especially as she is in sole charge of them. I wouldn’t think anything of the time of day, on a weekend my girls will often have their bath or shower mid day, me I usually have mine around 4pm, every house works differently

Yes I agree. Maybe she panicked that you'd be annoyed she'd been sent home grubby.

Etincelle · 18/02/2024 15:35

I don't think it's the same as a step father bathing a little girl. Let's not pretend there are just as many female sex offenders as male ones.

jaja3272 · 18/02/2024 15:37

IcyCat · 17/02/2024 23:27

Bit of relevant background: ExH and I have been separated for 18 months, hopefully soon to be divorced. We have 3 children (7, 9 & 11) and we get along/co-parent fairly well most of the time. I am the resident parent, our children stay over at his 1-2 nights per week depending on his schedule.

He's been with his new partner for about a year and they’ve recently moved in together. I’ve not met her, but the children like her a lot, so I’ve no problem with her generally. She has children of her own who live with them full time, they don’t see their father due to previous abuse (according to ExH).

Tonight I started running a bath, and DD (7) told me she didn’t need a bath, because she’d already had one with ”partner’s name” before I picked her up (at tea time).
So I said “Oh ok, daddy didn’t tell me you had a bath today.” And then she said daddy didn’t know because he was out at football practice with DS (which was 2pm ish so middle of the day?), and ”partner” gave her a bath, she helped her wash her hair and dried her off, dried her hair etc when she got out.

I feel a bit weird about this. Firstly I don’t think it’s at all appropriate for this woman to be bathing my young child, it’s her dad’s responsibility. Secondly, why do it while he’s out, and to put her in the bath in the middle of the day is odd anyway? I did ask DD if she had been doing some kind of messy play to need a bath but she said no.

I don’t want to accuse this woman of anything because as far as I can tell from the conversation with DD, nothing else happened besides the bath. DD wasn’t upset and told me conversationally, but I’m not comfortable with it at all and wouldn’t want it to happen again.

I know ExH will likely say I’m overreacting so I thought I’d ask mumsnet before I raise it with him, I’m sure I can rely on honest opinions here!

So AIBU to be upset by this?

Having been a step mum and my own children have a step mum, i have seen and experienced the situation from all perspectives.
BUT ... I only have experience of my own personal situation.
As is the case with all other respondents. Only you will really know what is ok for you, and you need to discuss boundaries with your ex if you are worried.
I think you are understandably concerned, nothing and nobody else is 'good' enough for our children.
Why don't you meet her? this may go some way to alleviate your worries.
My children went for sleep overs at their siblings home with my husbands ex wife. My friends thought this was odd. As far as i was concerned all 4 children are brothers and sisters, my ex husband's wife trusted me to care for her children and I in turn trusted her with mine.
Twenty plus years on ... all four siblings remain very close.
I divorced my husband and now my 2 children have a step mother ... I am happy that they now like her. 10 years ago they hated her, and whilst it initially felt good that they didn't like my 'replacement' I had to think 'big'. I want the best for my children. and that means happy and safe families.

jaja3272 · 18/02/2024 15:38

Having been a step mum and my own children have a step mum, i have seen and experienced the situation from all perspectives.
BUT ... I only have experience of my own personal situation.
As is the case with all other respondents. Only you will really know what is ok for you, and you need to discuss boundaries with your ex if you are worried.
I think you are understandably concerned, nothing and nobody else is 'good' enough for our children.
Why don't you meet her? this may go some way to alleviate your worries.
My children went for sleep overs at their siblings home with my husbands ex wife. My friends thought this was odd. As far as i was concerned all 4 children are brothers and sisters, my ex husband's wife trusted me to care for her children and I in turn trusted her with mine.
Twenty plus years on ... all four siblings remain very close.
I divorced my husband and now my 2 children have a step mother ... I am happy that they now like her. 10 years ago they hated her, and whilst it initially felt good that they didn't like my 'replacement' I had to think 'big'. I want the best for my children. and that means happy and safe families.
QuoteThanks
Add post

pontipinemum · 18/02/2024 15:46

I don't really know on this one, it might be weird. It might not.

I know your daughter said she didn't need a bath, but maybe she did. Had she stayed over the night before? Maybe her hair was looking a little dirty?

I think I might just ask ex DH you said ye get on OK. ""Hi Jake, I was just wondering why Mia gave Tasha a bath? She normally has one in the evening before bed. Did something happen?""

The woman saying what would he think of your potential new partner washing her, we all know that is a completely different situation!

girlfriend44 · 18/02/2024 15:46

How do you know this isn't an untruth from your daughter to get out of having a bath.

Flamme · 18/02/2024 15:51

I guess in your shoes I would at least raise this casually with my ex. Something along the lines of "Was there a reason why GF gave DD a bath in the middle of the day, do you know? I was wondering if she'd split something on herself or something".

WittyMotherhoodRelatedPun · 18/02/2024 15:56

Honestly she sounds really nice and the only thing I think is odd is that the two of you haven’t met.
You don’t have to be best buddies but it seems like it would be normal for you to at least have had a cup of tea with someone who’s a regular fixture in your children’s lives.
I’m divorced but neither ex nor I have introduced our children to new partners so take my opinion with a grain of salt! I just think I’d at least like to say hi to a new stepmum and any step siblings (who would probably not be in the least bit interested in meeting me!)
I think these types of adjustments can be really tough. You know, though, that you can never be replaced as your children’s mother. Any other responsible adults they have in their lives are a massive bonus, and they don’t detract from your irreplaceable role as mummy 💐

dottypotter · 18/02/2024 15:57

No pleasing some people.if she was horrible to your daughter you wouldn't luke that either.
How do people win?
How do people please each other.
If you get on ok and your daughters ok, I should leave it well alone.
Things can turn in an instant and wordscant be taken back.

MzHz · 18/02/2024 15:57

puzzledout · 18/02/2024 14:51

@NYC2018 a father being told he can't bathe his seven year old daughter...... or wash her hair whilst she's in the bath.

If I was that father, I would go back to court.

Those are not rules that I think k are fair or good. Yes some may be able to wash their own hair, but many seven year olds have long hair and wouldn't rinse it properly.

That father wasn’t even in the house, it was just past lunchtime and she is used to bathing herself.

something isn’t right here.

i think @IcyCat needs to have another conversation about boundaries with her dd, to say that it’s absolutely ok to say no to a shower or taking your clothes off in front of someone who isn’t your parent

puzzledout · 18/02/2024 16:46

@MzHz I was addressing another poster, not the Op!

puzzledout · 18/02/2024 16:53

something isn’t right here.

i think @IcyCat needs to have another conversation about boundaries with her dd, to say that it’s absolutely ok to say no to a shower or taking your clothes off in front of someone who isn’t your parent*

The DD was happy as confirmed by OP.

Isitautumnyet23 · 18/02/2024 16:57

I think its probably more likely she wanted your daughter to go back to you all clean/freshly washed hair. We sometimes have baths/showers mid afternoon if the kids have been out for a muddy walk etc and we know we’re not going out again that day.

Really can’t see a problem at all. The only thing i’d be encouraging is a 7 year to bath by themselves so you could mention that to your Ex. However his partner may have not wanted to leave her for safety (being extra cautious with his partners children).

Smittenkitchen · 18/02/2024 17:03

It may have been said later on in the thread but it seems quite quick to be moving in with a new partner, 18 months on from split from the mother of your three children. Especially as there are also resident children at the home. Re. the actual matter at hand, I think you'd be within your rights to tell ExH you'd prefer if he bathed your DD, or at least for it to be when he is home. And she should soon be able to do it by herself.

passiveaggressivenonsense · 18/02/2024 17:06

I wouldn't like this. I think you are right to question it. It's probably innocent but the timing for a bath is a bit off. A 7 year old can bathe themselves . Was her hair styled nicely ? Maybe it was a bonding hair wash moment ?

CammyChameleon · 18/02/2024 17:12

I wouldn't think there was anything nefarious in it.

Maybe the lady was bathing her own kids and thought it would be helpful to put yours on the "production line" too. Maybe DD's hair had gone in her food and she thought it would be easier just to do a whole bath rather than try to lean her over the sink.

She may have been unsure as to DD's ability to remember to scrub her bits/rinse shampoo out her hair properly/dry the nooks and crannies and helped more than DD really needed, but surely it's better than a new partner refusing to provide help/care when the parent isn't present?