To be upset about Ex’s new partner bathing our child?

[IcyCat]

Bit of relevant background: ExH and I have been separated for 18 months, hopefully soon to be divorced. We have 3 children (7, 9 & 11) and we get along/co-parent fairly well most of the time. I am the resident parent, our children stay over at his 1-2 nights per week depending on his schedule.

He's been with his new partner for about a year and they’ve recently moved in together. I’ve not met her, but the children like her a lot, so I’ve no problem with her generally. She has children of her own who live with them full time, they don’t see their father due to previous abuse (according to ExH).

Tonight I started running a bath, and DD (7) told me she didn’t need a bath, because she’d already had one with ”partner’s name” before I picked her up (at tea time).
So I said “Oh ok, daddy didn’t tell me you had a bath today.” And then she said daddy didn’t know because he was out at football practice with DS (which was 2pm ish so middle of the day?), and ”partner” gave her a bath, she helped her wash her hair and dried her off, dried her hair etc when she got out.

I feel a bit weird about this. Firstly I don’t think it’s at all appropriate for this woman to be bathing my young child, it’s her dad’s responsibility. Secondly, why do it while he’s out, and to put her in the bath in the middle of the day is odd anyway? I did ask DD if she had been doing some kind of messy play to need a bath but she said no.

I don’t want to accuse this woman of anything because as far as I can tell from the conversation with DD, nothing else happened besides the bath. DD wasn’t upset and told me conversationally, but I’m not comfortable with it at all and wouldn’t want it to happen again.

I know ExH will likely say I’m overreacting so I thought I’d ask mumsnet before I raise it with him, I’m sure I can rely on honest opinions here!

So AIBU to be upset by this?

This is a very important point. I also wouldn’t be happy with this.
there is no apparent reason she needed to do this. If 7 year old was smelly/dirty, she could have showered herself. I think at best the new DP lacks judgement here.
I would definitely address this.

I also now wondered if DP has boys and wanted to wash and care for girls hair? Like a pamper thing? Doesn’t make it right, was just wondering about that.

@DeniseSecunda

I dont agree with you anyway, but what's to say the Dad & GF hadn't discussed it??

Except teachers and child minders aren't bathing your kids or getting them naked.

And if they were, there'd be questions and an enquiry. Not a "oh DH trusts her and knows her for all of 1 year, so no need to make a fuss".

@OodlesPoodle They do if they are young and have an accident. They need cleaning up and changing, so a teacher or member of staff would have to see them in some stage of undress.

Her father could have asked his partner if she could bath his daughter while he was out. Perhaps he didn't think anything of it.

@ilovebreadsauce

mountain molehill.

'thank her for telling you'

she gave her a bath, not cocaine

@24hrCarer When there are children to consider, moving in with someone after a year is irresponsible.

You need to get to know the person before introducing the children. Then the children and partner (and their children if they have them) need to get to know each other.

It all takes time and a year isn’t long enough for all that to happen. Good parents take their time for everyone’s sake.

A year is plenty to get to know someone and know whether you want them in your child's life, especially if you're seeing that person most days, have met their family and have a good idea about their character, how they parent and their upbringing etc.

It's only an opinion that it's irresponsible but we all have to make that judgement for ourselves and our children. What one person would consider irresponsible, another wouldn't as their circumstances are completely different.

If a parent moved a partner in after a week then yes I would agree with you.

But she's 7!

That's like saying a 3 year old needs changing so it's ok to do it to a 14 year old.

Also the teacher or child minder in that case would be duty bound to tell the parents. The step mum told no one or the dad would have told OP, or known about it.

Honestly the mental gymnastics to justify an adult you barely know getting your child naked is bonkers on this thread.

It's a simple concept - if another adult has gotten your child naked they tell you or the other parent. If they haven't, and there's no obvious reason as to WHY your child was naked and walked, you ASK QUESTIONS.

No wonder most children are abused by people they know, people their parents know and it's ongoing. I despair that something like this isn't immediately queried and OP even even feels unjustified querying it.

Even if only for their own protection, no one with a grain of common sense would do this.I think the op has to proceed as though their may have been an element of gratification.
I am finding it quite disturbing that so many people are scrambling to make up excuses for this frankly very odd behaviour. In the unlikely event of Jam in hair- you would rinse out that section rather than get someone else's 7 year old naked and bathe and dry them!

Children's bodies do not exist for adult gratification. She's not a doll! She's a human child and any woman who thinks she can strip a child and wash her hair to fulfil some weird desire to feel 'girly' needs therapy.

Do you talk to your kids about consent OP?

Don't be put off by the people here who are inferring you are hysterical. I'd actually be more concerned about her staying over and being naked around two teenage boys who are unrelated to her? It's not accusing anyone of anything, but you definitely need to know she can voice her displeasure and not be railroaded into anything she doesn't want to do, and what is and isn't appropriate behaviour.

I think it's time you met the other woman who is bathing your child and getting to know her a bit more, you should really be able to have an open communication with someone who is solely looking after your children when your ex isn't there, is that possible?

The opinion of professionals, so fairly important.

But of course, too many parents want to do what they want and so justify it to themselves. They then tell others it’s fine to justify their own irresponsible decisions again.

Or locking up!

@OodlesPoodle That scenario is not at all comparable.

Yes they would be duty bound to log it and inform the parents and likely have another member of staff present. We do not know whether the step mum told anyone, we do not know whether the dad knew, nor do we know whether the request actually came from the dad in the first place. We also do not know why he decided to not mention it. Maybe he thought it wasn't a big deal? Who knows

We simply do not know the context of this situation. The child may be more comfortable with dad's partner helping her as opposed to dad. I know I would prefer a lady helping me at that age as opposed to my dad.

Supervising a young child having a bath does not raise safeguarding issues in my opinion. If other details were mentioned, such as the 7 year old saying she's not meant to tell anyone or that dad's partner washed her private parts then I would say there was cause for concern and a conversation would need to be had.

It's not mental gymnastics. It's just some of us have been in this situation and you would be surprised how this would be considered a non event for authorities.

@DreamEachNightOfSomeVersionOfYou

What professionals?

Sometime DD will ask for a bath in middle of day, especially if bored, she has loads of dolls and plays for a while whilst I tidy around. So time of day not necessarily an issue.

I've no experience of step parents. I thought if children had step parents this is exactly what they are. This means when a child is in the care of the step parent they parent the child as they would their own. This while allowing for the natural parents expressed wishes 🤔

The father did not tell OP. His daughter says he didn't know about it.

This was out of the ordinary.

There was no obvious reason for it.

The step mum did not mention it to OP.

The only thing to be done is to question the person your daughter has said bathed her. And to discuss with the father was boundaries need to be in place.

The fact you can't understand that anything out of the ordinary that involves your child being nude needs questioning, is strange to me.

Maybe there's an innocent explanation. Maybe there isn't. But to tell a parent to not question it because it could be any number of hypotheses is poor and bad advice.

You should encourage your children to tell you anything like this openly and without risk of getting in trouble, from a childs perspective this is perfectly innocent, but from an adults perspective, encouraging children of that age to be naked for no apparent reason is questionable, it doesn't matter the sex of the instigator, there's was no need for it so it is out of the ordinary.

It may be nothing, but I've got history of sexual abuse and I would not want a stranger to me, unnecessarily bathing my kids, encouraging and normalising them being naked in front of them when they are in a house with 2 teenage lads and my ex partner isn't there with them.

People like you who minimise things like this, and laugh it off or mock people for being slightly worried about something, are part of the reason abusers get away with abuse.

If you've never suffered at the hands of someone when you were a child and felt ashamed and powerless to do anything about it then you couldn't possibly understand so why don't you shut the fuck up instead.

@OodlesPoodle

The child can't possibly know what conversations were had between dad and step mum. She has no idea whether he knew or not. How do we know dad didn't ask her to bath his daughter? How do we know it's out of the ordinary?

I used to bath my step son, probably until the age of around 4 and clean him up if his dad was at work. If I had a stepdaughter then my DH would likely ask me to do more personal care things with her as he would feel uncomfortable. As long as I had DHs consent and the child felt ok with it, I wouldn't see it as a problem.

I am repeating advice I was given by police and social care, which involved worse things than this scenario.

@24hrCarer I now realise that you are someone who moved a partner in with your kids after 3 months. It all makes sense now. 🙄

Good luck OP. Never worry about questioning things to protect your children.

Also.....

What kind of DBS Check is recommended for those working in education?
There is no particular type of DBS Check required in order to work in education. However, DBS Check Online would recommend that employers in these sectors conduct an Enhanced DBS Check on all potential employees, as the nature of the sector involves working primarily with children. An Enhanced Check goes into more depth and allows the employer to also conduct a search of the Children’s Barred List. Nursery assistants, nursery teachers, teaching assistants and teachers working with children must do an Enhanced DBS Check.

Enhanced DBS Check
What does an Enhanced DBS Check show?
The Enhanced DBS Check is the highest level of check available, therefore it goes into the most level of detail. It reveals if a person has any spent or unspent convictions, warnings, cautions or reprimands on their criminal record. This check also has the option to search the Children or Adult Barred List, which is why it is highly recommended for the education sector, to discover if the applicant should be barred from working with these groups. The applicant’s local police force is also able to disclose other relevant information they hold on the applicant.

And that is relevant to this conversation how?

I’m an ex SW and this moving in after a year rubbish always raised mine and my ex-colleagues brows.

I’m of the belief that you can’t truly know someone after a year, the best version of one another is still being put forward at this point.

Studies have suggested it takes 2-4 years to truly know someone, I would always advocate when children are involved for ‘slow and steady’ if there’s no children involved then do whatever you feel. But parents have a responsibility to their children first, not their own happiness. And pretty much anyone that introduces their children to a new partner and moves them all in together after a year isn’t putting their children first. They’re putting their own wants and happiness first.