To be upset about Ex’s new partner bathing our child?

[IcyCat]

Bit of relevant background: ExH and I have been separated for 18 months, hopefully soon to be divorced. We have 3 children (7, 9 & 11) and we get along/co-parent fairly well most of the time. I am the resident parent, our children stay over at his 1-2 nights per week depending on his schedule.

He's been with his new partner for about a year and they’ve recently moved in together. I’ve not met her, but the children like her a lot, so I’ve no problem with her generally. She has children of her own who live with them full time, they don’t see their father due to previous abuse (according to ExH).

Tonight I started running a bath, and DD (7) told me she didn’t need a bath, because she’d already had one with ”partner’s name” before I picked her up (at tea time).
So I said “Oh ok, daddy didn’t tell me you had a bath today.” And then she said daddy didn’t know because he was out at football practice with DS (which was 2pm ish so middle of the day?), and ”partner” gave her a bath, she helped her wash her hair and dried her off, dried her hair etc when she got out.

I feel a bit weird about this. Firstly I don’t think it’s at all appropriate for this woman to be bathing my young child, it’s her dad’s responsibility. Secondly, why do it while he’s out, and to put her in the bath in the middle of the day is odd anyway? I did ask DD if she had been doing some kind of messy play to need a bath but she said no.

I don’t want to accuse this woman of anything because as far as I can tell from the conversation with DD, nothing else happened besides the bath. DD wasn’t upset and told me conversationally, but I’m not comfortable with it at all and wouldn’t want it to happen again.

I know ExH will likely say I’m overreacting so I thought I’d ask mumsnet before I raise it with him, I’m sure I can rely on honest opinions here!

So AIBU to be upset by this?

I think you are being unreasonable.
She’s her dads girlfriend, together a year, living together and is a mum herself.
I don’t see what your issue is.

Honestly, I think it’s jealousy that someone is performing what they think is a ‘motherly’ role

”Dad’s girlfriend, together a year..” Sorry but, so what? The fact of a man deciding to move a new girlfriend into his house doesn’t automatically make her trustworthy! This is a total stranger to OP. And one the ex husband has refused to let her meet.

Your job now is to protect your children

1)You need to talk to your ex and tell him what happened. Remind him that your dd is 7 years old and capable of showering herself. She and her siblings are not little kids, and his partner needs to respect their privacy and dignity and not help with bathing , changing or drying, and there are no circumstances she should be seeing them naked.
You need to make this crystal clear so if anything like this EVER happens again you know you are not misconstruing anything.Also if she is trying to groom your DD this is a warning shot across the bows that you are on to her,.

2. Reiterate to your dds that sometimes a doctor or nurse may need to see their privates, but nobody should be seeing them and if they do they should tell you straightaway.

It’s not jealousy 😂

I’ve clearly stated several times I have no problem with this woman in general, my kids like her and that is enough for me!

I’m happy for her to be alone with my children if need be, but that’s a bit different to the intimacy of a bath where my child is unclothed and being washed/dried by her despite being capable of doing it herself. Particularly when dad was out, and randomly in the middle of the day.

Yes I was thinking the same thing ( about the SM who won’t sit at table with a random child thread) and I think if the SP is stepping up and filling in when DH isn’t there rather than whinging about being “ left to do it “ and it’s “ not even her child” etc, then she is one of the good ones ( though it’s normally the ring on the finger that changes things but let’s give her the benefit of the doubt).

I think if she’s a mum, DD is only 7 and she is looking at a long term relationship with ex, then this was all perfectly functional and appropriate. I might have felt differently ( given the odd timing) if she were not a mum ( just because it would not be a routine task for her) and definitely would have the creeps if it were a male in those circumstances. But it isn’t and I think she’s probably just trying to be inclusive and , as I say, make things feel functional. It was also interesting she didn’t seem to have made a big deal ie; ex DH didn’t say to you “ isn’t DP fab: she EVEN gave dd a bath.” It seems to have just been something she felt she is close enough and responsible enough to your DD to do without fanfare. I thinks that’s ok.

Thank you.

I have had discussions re:consent with all of my children, they know the proper words for their private parts and that no one should be touching them there. I feel though that the boundaries are blurred a bit with bathing which I suppose is where my concern is coming from, it’s very easy to say let me help you wash for example and DD wouldn’t necessarily think it was anything untoward? I think another conversation with her is where I will start with this.

Unfortunately it doesn’t look like meeting this woman is likely anytime soon, Ex is keen to keep us apart for some unknown reason. He basically said his new girlfriend is none of my business and that I should respect his judgement as he wouldn’t have someone “unsafe” around the kids, but I’ll be honest he thinks with his c*ck more than his brain most of the time! Which incidentally is why we are no longer together.

I don’t know the details of the abuse, just that her ex apparently served a prison sentence for it and that social services were involved for a while but aren’t anymore. ExH didn’t give me any more info but I assumed it was domestic violence because she had to move from the town she previously lived in to avoid him after he was released from prison.

Because her hair was still a bit damp when I took it out of her braid? And she enjoys bath time so no reason for her to lie.

So the OW has never had a little girl of her own, she may be delighted that one of her new partners children is a girl - she will have the opportunity if she wants to do ' girlie ' things with her.

Maybe she has forgotten that 7 year olds can bath themselves

Maybe her boys when they were 7 couldn't or didn't.

The bath time isn't really the problem is it ?

it's that you haven't met her

you haven't given your approval of her

are you jealous that she is doing Mummy things with her ?

I think she probably had a reason to wash your DD, kids sometimes are oblivious to how messy/ dirty they are. If you feel weird about it, ask your ex, in a matter of fact way - why DD needed a bath in the middle of the day?... I'm sure he will say - well she had dirt in her hair and jam all over her face )))

I would try not to antagonise your ex and his partner, she is looking after your kids, so it would help if all of you get on/ are civil. I know it feels weird when another woman is "mothering" your babies, but if she is kind and caring, your kids will only benefit.

Unless, of course, you suspect that there is something dodgy going on, then, of course, you need to protect your kids

I don’t think it’s jealousy. I think it’s the unusual timing.
But as I’ve said, I think it’s probably an effort to make dd feel at home and included in the routines as “ just one of us” ( which is why op might have felt better if it was a routine time of day).

I also think it feels off and understand your concerns. I didn’t immediately reply in your thread when I first read it a few pages ago because it’s not a blaring case of wrongdoing but it still doesn’t sit well.

I wonder whether since her other children are older and boys if she wanted the experience of pampering a girl? That might explain the hair washing and brushing. But still, it’s strange to give a midday bath, with no prior mess and doing it when the ex is not around.

She does want to meet her but I think Ex doesn’t want them to meet. I think that’s really off. Worse than the bath actually.

Oh: I hadn’t fully absorbed the background of abuse.

That needs clarification to you if DD is being left alone with her, not just for bathing type issues but more generally.

The drying off is also a red flag for me. A 7 year old can do that herself, is even expected to do that (my DC went swimming with school at 7).

overall I think it was unnecessary and overstepping boundaries and that would make me uncomfortable. My stepfather moved in when my younger sibling was 7 and I don’t recall any instance where he would have been involved in personal hygiene. We would have found that very weird. Why is it ok because in this case it’s a woman?

Mine have needed supervision and proper drying at 7. Our school still had parent helpers until year 2 on swimming days to help with proper drying off etc.

But the abuse needs explanation.

OP, Given dad and partner only moved in together a few weeks ago, how many times had your kids previously stayed over when she has been living there?
I can't see the post where you allude to abuse? but if it was something serious enough that her ex was jailed, and it happened on her watch, I would be very very concerned.There are more red flags popping up than at a labour party conference

It’ll be because he’s slagged her off to high heaven, the whole my ex is a psycho guff. Might not be that, but it almost always is.

Her being a mum is irrelevant. I was abused by someone who was a dad. I'd always rather be cautious and wrong than too chilled and something happen. I think if you get to know the partner that would help.

And he’s probably scared of the new partner getting some stories from OP too. But it’s unreasonably controlling and he needs to accept he has dcs and grow up.

Women abuse in different, more covert ways. So not as likely to get reported or caught because it's not obvious.

The sheer number of women on this thread who think bathing and drying a 7 year old is a 'bonding' experience - is evidence how not all women understand a child's body can never be a source of comfort for them. A 7 yr old isn't a baby. Or the number of women who don't respect a child's bodily autonomy - especially a girl child and constantly comment and critique it. Or don't allow them any privacy. It's not as bad as getting raped but children with mothers like this still grow up thinking their bodies exist to please other people. Or their bodies are dirty . That's why bathing is such an intimate activity that should only be done by the parents/step parents, with their permission and not by random gfs or bf's.

If this 18 month relationship breaks up, will the next gf also bathe DD - how many random women will be allowed to bathe this child just because they're living with the father and are flavour of the year.

OP, if your ex's gf (because she is a gf not a step mum) had an abusive ex so bad he went to prison, and is still comfortable moving her sons into a man's home within 6 months of meeting him - she still has skewed boundaries. None of which your child needs to be subject to. Any baths need to be agreed with your DH or you.

I personally wouldn’t.

I have DD 7 and wouldn’t feel comfortable doing this at all. If a bath was needed, I’d fill the tub and provide a towel and tell them to take their underwear in with them. (I’m comparing this to sleepover situations with friends). We also have shower caps so I wouldn’t be required to wash hair.

To be honest, if and when it happens I’d prefer they bath or shower before bed, but I would never instigate it.

If it were a partner’s child I’d tell them to wait for dad. At 7 though I’d expect them to be able to wash themselves.

All said and done it was likely innocent, I’d be mortified to be thought perverse if I had helped to wash hair, or bath. It’s the age we live in where I wouldn’t put myself in this position, I wouldn’t want to be accused.

3 nights total since they’ve moved in together and the odd one or two prior to that.

I only briefly mentioned it in the op and then in a reply. Ex told me around the time he was introducing the kids to her as I suggested they meet her first and then her kids the following weekend maybe as ours were having a bit of trouble adjusting to the split and him having a new girlfriend made it more “final” for them I guess. He said that wasn’t going to work because her kids don’t see their dad due to him going to prison, so she has them full time obviously. I pressed for more details and he said I don’t need the details as it doesn’t pertain to the children, he knows and is satisfied that she’s not a risk and social services agreed which is why they are no longer involved with her family. That’s why I assumed it was domestic violence towards her.

This is my feeling, yes. He’s the type who never takes responsibility for his own actions, nothing is ever his fault.