the petition going round about dads in hospitals

[strawberryswizzler]

just me who is absolutely against this idea? i’ve had 2 c-sections. one emergency, one elective. could barely sit myself up to feed my baby nevermind walk properly etc, i felt so vulnerable. the thought of being in a 4 bed bay separated only by curtains with random men who could be anyone makes me feel ill. anyone else??

Snogging?
With my 4th the man in the next bay tried to repeatedly get his partner to have sex.
I eventually reported it, it was awful.
He realised it was me, nearly empty bay and went and sat in the empty bed opposite just staring.
After I closed the curtains he had a massive phone call about me.
It all ended only hours later when security removed him, and he went threatening he’d be back with the rest of his site.
(The baby was removed before she left. It was generally traumatic and horrible to witness and if he wasn’t being allowed to take his own baby home I’m not sure how he was allowed to sleep next to mine)

edit to add: it seemed to be a long planned removal, nothing to do with hospital behaviours

I'm biased on that after my C-section, the only person who could take me to the NICU on demand was DH. The hospital expected him to die and the thought of DH being at home and harder to get to if he died, missing his last seconds, the risk to me of being alone if that happened... I'm incredibly thankful to the hospital for letting dh stop for a few nights until I was discharged at which point we got a parent flat next to NICU.

BUT

That's not the problem of someone who's dealing with their own trauma .

The only way to support all new Moms is to have enough space to accommodate what people need.

Single rooms foroms who's kids are t with them. Wards with extra space for those who want their partner to stay over. Wards for women only with protected toilets.

But on the NHS, well....

Oh FGS @BounceHighBaby get over yourself your needs are no more important than anyone else’s. No one wants to deny you anything they just don’t want your husband in what should be a women’s only space. Grow up.

If you require a chaperone in hospital, then either the hospital should provide one, or you have a female chaperone.

When it comes to single sex spaces they are protected and thus one persons wishes do ‘trump’ another’s if it’s to preserve the single sex space. Being asleep in bed whilst most likely incapacitated is an incredibly vulnerable position to be in. The only reason this is necessary is lack of staff which is appalling and shows how little women post birth are valued. It’s also going to inevitably lead to higher noise levels at rest times which isn’t acceptable either.

I haven’t admit that I am very glad that there was no bloke in my c section ward. When I had DS1 and was in a private room ( all normal births got a private room then at Liverpool Womens) there was a note on the staff board that one dad was staying, but I thought that was ok because it didn’t inconvenience anyone else.

It should not be allowed on a shared ward. No way. I would have complained very loudly if some bloke had been there after 8 pm.

You op describes exactly why women need their partners for support. Thankfully I have always had a private room with dh.

These kind of threads rarely end well…. If there were more staff it would be less of an issue. I discharged myself 26 hours after having twins, as it was a terrible night on the ward and l couldn’t face another one.

I haven't seen the petition you mention but what you describe is exactly what i experienced last month. I needed my partner to pick up our baby, change him, fetch my meals because I also couldn't move post C section. Without him I'd had had to buzz for a MW or MSW every time I needed something. I don't think the wards are equipped for that.

I didn't feel unsafe.

Dads do not need to be there all the time

what is needed is fully staffed wards with well trained professional staff

someones darling husband to one woman can be a loud mouth obnoxious twat to the woman in the next bed

THis tbh. I had both my Dcs before covid and DH was a bit hopeless. Sat in the corner and read for 26 hours and ate wine gums for the first and watched wimbledon for number 2. He's a GP as well so you would have thought would have been more fucking effective.

First time I had a private room thanks to a serious pph and a major birth injury that resulted in DS1 having brain damage. DS2 I was in a ward and I had to keep requesting privacy because other dads were very bug eyed about women they were not married to having to go to the bathroom or breastfeeding.

Personally I would keep men out of the maternity wards altogether unless it is the labour suite and the relevant mother asks for them.

As long as security will sling them out if they are offensive or disrespectful.
A partner kept shouting you fucking cunt at his wife on my ward and luckily in the end he stomped off of his own accord. Both patients and visitors felt vulnerable. Staff did nothing.

Men were only allowed to stay in the single occupancy rooms when I had DS. They were stilla bloody nuisance. They would go to the food area to collect meal trays for their partners and take things off other women's trays for themselves.

I’m sure your situation was traumatic and hope you’re all well now. However, the exception should not be used to create the rule.
That should be that maternity wards should be single sex, no overnight visitors, and where a partner must stay after a serious event, they must be accommodated in a separate facility. Post natal wards should be single room facilities.

I suspect that you are not the most self aware person in in the world...

The men weren't allowed to stay on the wards when I had DD. Thank goodness!

It was bad enough having to shuffle down the ward after an emergency c-section to use the toilet when visitors were on the ward. I definitely wouldn't have wanted men hanging around over night.

And don't get me started about the men who used the toilets on the ward (despite being told not to). The state they left then in was disgraceful. Hardly surprising that I went home with a hideous infection.

The answer is to provide private rooms for everyone but that's never going to happen.

I'm absolutely against dad's in hospitals. I feel incredibly unsafe at the thought of being that vulnerable with strange men around me. That said, I do have a history of SA and find being around men in general quite difficult.

If I was on a ward where male partners were allowed to stay I would demand a private room or discharge myself.

Some of us feel differently and that should also be respected. If we're all into the rights of women to choose how they give birth, who supports them etc, then we should also respect their right to choose who supports them in their immediate recovery.

I personally feel it does send the wrong message to send dad home to rest after all his 'hard work' giving birth while mum struggles alone in hospital. I agree short-staffing is a massive problem but there are also those of us who want the moral support of the person we love most (aside from our kids).

Anyway, for me this thread has highlighted that postnatal wards are just shit and lack privacy in general, I'm sure most women don't like being separated by just a curtain from each other either. And you certainly can't sleep with multiple babies crying.

Perhaps a petition for private rooms only.

Men have no place being in a female ward overnight. None.

I can see both sides to this. Ive worked within maternity services and there are some women that definitely benefit from having partner staying overnight but some women insist on partner staying and I can’t tell you how many times I’ve answered a call bell and had to step across a sleeping male who didn’t wake up when his partner needed the baby passing to her after a c section.

The other issue as so many have already mentioned is that women are very vulnerable after giving birth. We bleed, we are struggling to mobilize after c sections or having stitches, we may be wearing hospital gowns or clothing that doesn’t cover us as much as we would like to be covered, we have crying newborns. are sleep deprived and just need to heal. Some women will have previously suffered abuse or traumatic experiences which means having males close by them makes them feel anxious and upset.

I personally feel that if men stay on wards there should be facilities such as more single rooms so that they don’t need to be wandering around in their underpants oh and funding to bring staffing levels up so that staff can answer call bells and provide the care that women need would be awesome

I was in for days after a c -section and was in a lot of pain and unable to move. The midwives and post-natal nurses were fucking awful, and pretty much all the care of me and the newborn baby fell to my partner who slept on the floor. It makes me ill to think of the horrific condition some women would want to leave me and a newborn in. I would never give birth in a hospital that didn't allow my partner to stay.

Oh the irony..

I can see both sides. For me the worst part was being on my own when I was being induced, and because I wasn’t in active labour my husband couldn’t stay. I was alone and in a lot of pain all night. It was horrible being alone in that situation. Yes the nurses are there but it’s not the same as having your partner with you for the emotional support.

If you have an uncomplicated delivery you can have a quick discharge direct from labour ward and birth partners can stay. If you’ve been admitted overnight it’s generally because either you or baby need medical care. That care should come from staff, we really should be starting a petition to ensure that is available and we don’t have to get rid of single sex spaces because care is inadequate. Years ago the midwives would take your baby and care for them to allow mothers to rest, bring the baby to get fed and then it was natural for them to assist- current situation is not progress! (Yes obviously baby should stay with mum if that’s what they want)