the petition going round about dads in hospitals

[strawberryswizzler]

just me who is absolutely against this idea? i’ve had 2 c-sections. one emergency, one elective. could barely sit myself up to feed my baby nevermind walk properly etc, i felt so vulnerable. the thought of being in a 4 bed bay separated only by curtains with random men who could be anyone makes me feel ill. anyone else??

I know some men are shits but I struggle to think any man who stays overnight to support his wife is going to have the inclination, or even the time, to go round harassing other women

Totally missed the point.

It doesn't really matter if they're just sitting there minding their own business.

A woman, in one of the most vulnerable states of their life, knowing there is a bloke they don't know, just on the other side of the curtain at all hours of the day or night, is, or can be, quite unsettling.

I just wouldn't make another woman feel uncomfortable after giving birth.

Totally against men being on post natal wards outside standard busing hours

I’ve had 5 children, and frankly other people’s men are the worst bit.
I’ve been huddled bleeding whilst strange men accidentally open the wrong curtains.
I’ve been kept awake at all hours by snoring or phone calls, or even arguments.
Ive had to report a threatening man abusing his partner.
Ive generally hated trying to sleep with strange men in touching distance pressed against the curtains.
For every thoughtful partner helping there seems to be far more noisy, threatening or inappropriate men out there. Most men seemed to act like pricks in the environment tbh.
I think there maybe should be an opt in ward where partners are allowed, separated from other areas. It certainly shouldn’t be that random men are allowed to sleep and be around women at their most vulnerable and children. I’ve seen many men on maternity wards that would never be allowed in any other setting with children frankly, and many who will probably go on to have little or no contact with their babies in the future. I don’t see why maternity wards should be the only environment where we suddenly allow men without any sort of DBS or basic checks hang around women and children in a state of undress. Most of us don’t even like shared changing rooms with separate cubicles! So why suddenly is it ok to have strange men around us after birth?

argh yes i remember one of the dads in the bay after my last section spent his visiting time arguing with people on the phone?? like just leave 😅

Sometimes they do - I had a crash section and complications and couldn’t sit up unaided for two day.

I was on an 8 person ward after both births. The thought of anyone else being there overnight snoring their f**king heads off fills me with utter horror. Thankfully I won’t be having anymore children. I was so traumatised after my first week long stay with DC 1 that I discharged myself after 48 hours with DC2. She had to stay a further week. I couldn’t stay with her. It was too horrific. I didn’t sleep for one single minute of the stay. If hospitals want to offer dads to stay too it needs to be private rooms only

exactly. wearing a crappy hospital gown that falls apart as you walk etc, took me ages to get from my bed to the toilet in full view of the other women i would’ve been horrified if i had an audience full of their partners too

But quite frankly I don't want to be postnatal with breasts that feel like they're exploding and stitches in my nether regions and crying because of hormonal changes and on top of that to be sleeping just a curtain's breadth away from your husband. He might be nice. He might be snoring, he might be arguing with you, he might be lazy, he might be on his phone all night. I don't care as you have to put up with him but I don't want to put up with him as well

I had to stay in hospital with my newborn during covid. I could hardly move. We only had the midwives to help and it was SHIT. So i think some help should be allowed.

It would make me uncomfortable not to have my husband with me.

In fact, I think banning men sets up a sense of 'normality' in women doing the bulk of the care for the baby.

Then the issue is the hospital gowns and the beds

I genuinely don’t know what the best answer is for it. If the NHS had the capacity to help every mother as needed then partners absolutely wouldn’t be needed to stay.

However after having my first child and being taken to an 8 person bay, knowing I won’t sleep because of the noise (Noones fault) and the baby, along with being absolutely terrified of taking care of this brand new human alone (see previous point of NHS capacity), I basically discharged myself at 11pm and my husband collected me, he stayed up with the baby all night so I could get some rest as I was so exhausted having just given birth (!) that I was talking jibberish apparently.

On the other hand, I’m not sure how I’d have felt making that 8 person ward, 16 with strange men when feeling at my most vulnerable.

I honestly don’t know.

When DC2 was born they were taken straight to ICU and I didn’t see them again for 2 days.
I was on a post natal ward shared with 3 other women and their newborns, trying to recover physically and mentally and pump every 3 hours, surrounded by other people’s babies, visitors, etc. This was bad enough. If I’d had to share that room with three husbands as well, I think I would have broken down. The idea of having to pump at 3am, then carry the little bottle of milk down long, darkened corridors in my nightie and giant maternity pad - surrounded by strange men farting and snoring? no thanks.

I get that you may prefer your husband there and that it might help after a c-section, but you’re on a public ward, you’ve got to consider the needs of everyone.

I would have loved it had by DH been able to stay. That said I'd have emergency c sections and there was a dad on the ward up late chatting in any event. As long as people are quiet and considerate. I can however see tempers getting frayed and men starting to front up to each other.

It’s not happening anyway, and the petitions keep getting kicked off the site.

The thing is you don’t get to impose that on me.
I’m fine if you want your partner, need them. However, that needs to be in a suitable space. Not next to vulnerable women.
I’m happy for separated bays with men, people can pack in there overnight. I’m happy for separate rooms.
No one is wanting to activityly stop you having your husband. There are saying no, he cannot be in my space at this time. I don’t feel safe/ like I can heal .
You need to respect that, and petitions should not be about accessing the post natal wards as a blanket policy, but about hospitals having areas for those who want a unisex postpartum space.

But you are not there to just take care of the baby, you are there to recover.

If you need medical supervision then there should be enough staff to give it.

If you don't, then you should go home.

What's the point of being in hospital if it's your husband actually caring for you? You may as well have a x 2 day midwife visit at home if in fact it's your husband caring for you.

And what about single parents? Do they get another family member instead of the father? A grandparent? Sibling?

It's absurd and inconsiderate. If I were having another baby I'd have it at home.

I've been in both situations, DH stayed with our first, couldn't with second as they were born during lockdown (luckily we weren't in overnight and at that point birth partners were able to stay the whole time until we went to postnatal ward).
I wouldn't have stayed overnight on a ward alone, and wouldn't have had to (I'm entitled to a chaperone due to a condition I have), but was okay for a few hours. The first time, I would have been a nightmare without DP, I was scared and extremely anxious and would have put a huge burden on the midwives trying to keep me calm. I don't think that would have been preferable for the others trying to recover on the ward.

The birthing suite I had DS2 in dads could stay and you had your own room. But not on a ward, it’s bad enough dealing with long visitor times when in a vulnerable state let alone dads staying over. Thankfully I was out same day ds2 and DD

Completely agree with you and I had two sections too.

I wouldn't mind them in the private rooms but not on the ward.

I’ve given birth in two different London hospitals and men were allowed to stay over in one of them. It was useful and comfort to me, BUT some of the other dads were snoring/talking/peering in, so overall I guess it’s a no really due to dickheads.

I would have been very uncomfortable if alone on a ward with men overnight especially if I had to walk alone to the toilet or to get water. Would there be increased security for lone women in a mixed environment?