DP guilting me about spending a lot of money

[Symphonique]

It’s my birthday today. I’ve spent a lot of money, and DH is now making me feel guilty.

I’m a professional musician, I work hard, I earn a reasonable about of money. DH is an architect and does well too. We are comfortable financially and have savings.

I’ve wanted to buy an additional violin for a while, because it’s my passion and although I love my existing violin, I’ve wanted a second (less expensive) instrument because it would be a good back up and I wanted to choose an instrument with a very different sound.

We’ve talked about it on and off for a couple of months and agreed a budget. I have had a wonderful day playing different violins at the shop and bought one I absolutely adore.

He’s since made snide comments like, oh it may take a while to build up the money you’ve spent today, or it just means things we want to spend a lot of money on (eg new bathroom) will have to be put back now.

I’m now feeling guilty, and a bit cross as he was totally supportive and fine about what we agreed. However, now he doesn’t seem fine about it at all. I feel I’ve made a huge mistake. But at the same time am so delighted with my purchase.

AIBU or is he?

If you both have the same amount of spending money and this is money you’ve chosen to save and spend on yourself and it’s not at the detriment of anything else then he’s being really unreasonable. He should let you enjoy it.

I think you're reading too much into his comments tbh.

We have joint accounts so our money is pooled, I’m just wondering if he feels like he’s not getting a treat too?

Is he always this manipulative?
You both agreed, and set a budget. Even if the comments are true, he agreed to it, unless you pressured him to do so.
Ask him outright why he feels the need to make such snide comments.

I think he’s being mean. We put all our money into one account (separate savings only so we get better interest rates). We’ve never had an argument about one of us spending too much. We generally just buy what we need, anything big that just for personal use (say into the 0000’s) then we’d do a courtesy check, but neither of us had ever said no - more encouragement if anything!

The fact you’ve discussed it beforehand, well I don’t really understand his reaction? Especially over a violin?!!

I did ask him about the comments but he just said he was joking. But then later on he makes a similar comment, knowing I don’t find it funny. Maybe he will have moved on by tomorrow- hopefully!

Are the comments snide or just factual tho? He may be perfectly fine with you spending the money, but just absent minded lying commenting it'll take longer to save for the bathroom. Not every comment has to have a nasty undertone.

If he agreed on the budget then just take him at face value on it.

He's trying to bring you down, on your birthday. Don't let him.

Enjoy your new violin 😍 Any chance it could be a tax write off?

Yes, same here, I don’t understand it either!

Why does he feel so entitled to your money?

Well he can, on his birthday. Or you can tell him that since your birthday investment has caused him so much grief then maybe it's time to sack off the joint finances. Have seperate accounts you both transfer into the household pot.

Pay him no heed. He's being weird.

Man, no way I'd have a joint account me. Just visiting this place screams no.

Personally I'd be confronting him and not allowing him to hide behind a 'joke'.
I mean, my DH is the one who buys expensive stuff in our house and if I don't think it's a good use of money I say no.
What I don't do is encourage him, then go on constantly about it.

How much was the violin? If you've spent the cost of a new bathroom on it then I'd probably be miffed about it too.

Thanks ☺️- not sure about tax write off, but it’ll definitely be going through my books so hopefully my tax bill will be very low next time!

Off topic, but you must be loaded if you only need to do a courtesy check before spending £10,000s!

I feel so indulgent writing it down - we agreed £10k

Your violin is an asset investment, it will retain its value.

🤷🏽‍♀️

It’s our money, we have joint finances

Does he never make any purchases?

That’s what I told him, he’s lucky I didn’t want a new bow too 😂

You are a professional musician and have bought a 'tool' of your trade with agreement - tell him to STFU! It's not worth falling out over so long as you can cover your bills and he shouldn't have bloody agreed it to then make snide comments. I hope you enjoy every minute of playing it and hopefully he'll get over himself in a day or 2

Fucking hell 10k on a backup instrument!

I'm not being snide at all OP - good for you that you two can afford that sort of treat. It sounds like a brilliant birthday present. I hope you enjoy it a lot and DH is being a bit mean spirited trying to take the shine off it. I would be a bit miffed at him tbh. You agreed the budget together!

It’s not just a treat though is it it’s a tool of your trade.

This is why DH and I have entirely separate finances. Regardless of whether I think he’d behave like your OH or not, I’ve no interest whatsoever in anyone having any say in how I spend the money I earn or even seeing how I choose to spend it. If your OH can’t get on board with shared finances meaning you get to spend your share, I’d advise you organise yours likewise.

Not really, no. The occasional new laptop maybe, honestly there’s nothing he’d actually want to spend a lot on for him personally. He likes spending money on the house, but that’s not the same really as it’s of benefit to both of us