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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP guilting me about spending a lot of money

144 replies

Symphonique · 16/02/2024 23:06

It’s my birthday today. I’ve spent a lot of money, and DH is now making me feel guilty.

I’m a professional musician, I work hard, I earn a reasonable about of money. DH is an architect and does well too. We are comfortable financially and have savings.

I’ve wanted to buy an additional violin for a while, because it’s my passion and although I love my existing violin, I’ve wanted a second (less expensive) instrument because it would be a good back up and I wanted to choose an instrument with a very different sound.

We’ve talked about it on and off for a couple of months and agreed a budget. I have had a wonderful day playing different violins at the shop and bought one I absolutely adore.

He’s since made snide comments like, oh it may take a while to build up the money you’ve spent today, or it just means things we want to spend a lot of money on (eg new bathroom) will have to be put back now.

I’m now feeling guilty, and a bit cross as he was totally supportive and fine about what we agreed. However, now he doesn’t seem fine about it at all. I feel I’ve made a huge mistake. But at the same time am so delighted with my purchase.

AIBU or is he?

OP posts:
lemmein · 17/02/2024 05:37

I didn't even know you could spend £10k on a violin! Shock

It's your money, he agreed - ignore him and play 'happy birthday to meeee' really loudly on it to drown out his negativity!

FlamingoQueen · 17/02/2024 06:27

I am sure that you must know a sad piece of music. Next time he mentions it, then get your new violin out and start playing the sad tune!

It’s no different than a motorbike / cyclist buying a new bike for a hobby - except yours is actually your profession (am actually quite jealous!)

PermanentTemporary · 17/02/2024 06:35

I'm more scared of losing money now I have it then I ever was when I was skint. Did he grow up without a pot to piss in maybe? Just possibly it's old fears resurfacing unexpectedly.

I'd ask him what he wants for his birthday.

I also like he 'shall I take it back' question.

Beefcurtains79 · 17/02/2024 06:41

10k on a back up instrument? Wow.

Ghuunvg · 17/02/2024 06:46

First of all it's not a great idea to use a joint account to make a business purchase (if indeed you are going to put it through your books).

Second of all it really depends on who is earning what. You say you earn a "reasonable" amount. He's an architect. Do you actually contribute 50/50?

Either way I'm sorry but it would really piss me off if Mt DP dropped 10k of our joint money on a birthday present for themselves.

KatesMott · 17/02/2024 06:46

@Symphonique You say "We’ve talked about it on and off for a couple of months and agreed a budget." That seems like a lot of back and forth and maybe suggests some reticence in the first place? Maybe he didn't expect you to go to the top of the budget, or at least did you tell him which one you were getting to clarify that full budget would be used?

10k is a lot for what is effectively just a nice treat. You didn't say it was imperative for your job, you already have a perfectly functional violin, just that it's nice to have another as part of your 'passion'. If you have the disposable income then go for it, but the passive aggressive comments suggest some underlying tension. Do you bring in similar amounts when it comes to earnings and contributions for the savings?

BCBird · 17/02/2024 06:51

First of all happy birthday. Secondly ignore him. You discussed it, agreed so you have done nothing wrong. He can treat himself on his birthday. If the snide remarks continue I'd go down the separate accounts route.

Mumdiva99 · 17/02/2024 06:54

Wow a new violin. How wonderful. What does it sound like and what will you use it for? Is it more folk sounding?

My violin teacher had her instrument stolen when we were younger. She was absolutely devastated, and didn't have a second instrument (as far as I remember). You are actually insuring yourself should something go wrong that you can continue to work until you sort a disaster like that out.

Loulou599 · 17/02/2024 06:55

Why don't you have a business account such as Starling if you are a professional musician? This is crazy anyway. Who spends £10,000 of somebody else's money on an indulgence?

lemonmeringueno3 · 17/02/2024 06:56

I don't really see what he's done wrong.

You share joint finances and you say he doesn't really spend money on himself, yet was perfectly happy for you to withdraw £10k to spend on a back-up violin. You know for a certain fact that he was happy with the budget, because you spent time negotiating and agreeing it. He presumably spent the day with you, watching you spend it. To me, he sounds supportive and lovely.

All he has done is make two factual comments this evening - that you'll both now need to replenish the savings, that it'll take longer to save for the bathroom. He's not wrong is he? You are guessing at his thoughts and feelings, and unfairly attributing meaning that may not be there at all.

I think part of you feels a bit guilty about spending so much money on yourself when he doesn't, and you've assumed he must be resentful when nothing at all suggests that.

WaltzingWaters · 17/02/2024 06:57

Lazypeopledrivemecrazy · 16/02/2024 23:37

I think when he made those comments I would have said with a straight face, 'do you want me to take it back then?' The speed of his answer would have told me how he really felt, ie, if he even paused for a second, it would mean he was thinking about it, but if it was truly a joke, I would have expected him to immediately say 'no, of course not, I was only joking, I'm really happy that you've got what you wanted'.

It does seem to me that shared finances are not right for you as a couple, as it seems he begrudges you spending your own money. Better in that case to each have your wages in individual accounts, and then a joint account for bills, holidays, savings, etc. So that once you've paid your bit into the pot each month, what you've got left is yours to spend as you please, and the same for him.

I agree with this. We put the majority of our earnings into a joint account for bills, holidays, stuff for kids etc, but also keep separate accounts for anything we want to buy for ourselves. For my DP that will be surf gear, and for me it’s trip to the theatre or little getaways. This works well for us.

Obviously as you’ve chosen not to do it this way your DH should be celebrating your lovely birthday treat and not putting you down about it. Enjoy your lovely new instrument!

OhmygodDont · 17/02/2024 07:07

Well at that price he is not wrong or being snide that it will not factually be longer till you guys can have a new bathroom.

Surely a new instrument should come out of the bank you use as your own Ltd or for self employed purposes though if it going to be a written off as such, or do you/it not earn enough for that to be viable. I know it doesn’t have to but it’s tidier for the books and makes more sense business wise. Plus less mopey dh 😅

AnotherCountryMummy · 17/02/2024 07:13

Sounds bloody marvelous! I'd love to treat myself like that. Enjoy it OP and Happy Birthday 🎈

ProudMNslapper · 17/02/2024 07:14
  1. stringed instruments generally increase in value so it’s an investment.
  2. as a professional musician, of course you need a quality back up instrument
  3. the cost is tax deductible

if he says it again, ask “what are you hoping to achieve when you say that” and see what he says.

Enjoy!

lapochette · 17/02/2024 07:21

As others have said it's a tool of your trade and essential for you to carry out your work - I'd love to have a talent like yours! Could you have bought it through your business account the DH can't really say anything?

BobbyBiscuits · 17/02/2024 07:34

The violin isn't some whimsical wasteful purchase, it's a piece of equipment you need for your job. Plus it was your birthday!
He's saying that now you can't have the bathroom re-done? Says who? He knew you were buying it and you discussed it with him.
I'm not expecting it to be a Stradavarius or whatever but 10k seems a lot, as this is a less expensive version? I dk much about classical instruments so maybe that is a lower price range for a professional one. My DH is a musician and music equipment, instruments, software are pretty much the only things he buys apart from normal tech. But we are talking £100-500 max per item. (Usually the lower end) I would never ever think to say, oh you should't have that. I'm more the type that would want to spend the money on the new bathroom but I don't do music!
He doesn't sound like he wants something specific, and I think he's just being a bit mean to be honest. Unless you have genuinely wiped out both your savings on this violin? But I don't see why it would be such a surprise to him as he knew you were doing it? Is there any way you feel comfortable with changing it for a less ruinously expensive one?

Theredjellybean · 17/02/2024 07:51

It was a birthday present to yourself and agreed .
He is being mean and nasty
It maybe factual but he didn't need to say those things.
I feel sad for you that this man is trying to ruin your birthday and joy in your new violin.
Id get a nice glass of champagne or cup of coffee...and take myself off to play my best violin on my own !

AgnesX · 17/02/2024 08:14

BreakingAndBroke · 16/02/2024 23:15

How much was the violin? If you've spent the cost of a new bathroom on it then I'd probably be miffed about it too.

If it's a work item it's not quite the same as blowing it on a posh handbag (even if the OP gets just as much if not more pleasure).

It sounds like he was ok in principle but not in reality. He probably didn't actually realise just how much a good quality instrument is.

Anothenamechange · 17/02/2024 08:16

Fellow pro muso here. My 2nd instrument cost £15k and I didn't turn a hair. It's necessary for touring as I didn't want to damage ££££ first one plus you absolutely can write it off on tax (inc strings etc) It's an investment, not an indulgence and will certainly go up in value. Is DP aware of this?

Either way, your money, your choice.

PermanentTemporary · 17/02/2024 08:24

I just spent 12500 on a second hand car and think I got a very good deal on it. I need a car for work. Newsflash: expensive things cost money.

NeedAdvice8 · 17/02/2024 08:25

That’s why DH and I have separate accounts. I’d feel too guilty to spend that amount from shared savings on myself, and as much as I love DH and want him to have anything he needs, I can’t say I’d be too thrilled to find that he had spend that amount on himself either, if it comes from our hard earned savings.
Enjoy your instrument, but I’d give him the same allowance to threat himself on something he wants for his next birthday.

notquiteruralbliss · 17/02/2024 08:33

OP - I'd be irritated by the snide comments. I spent about abut the same on another new horse, paid from the joint account and told DH once transport was booked. Not a single comment from DH (and to be fair not much interest either).

HarrietTheFireStarter · 17/02/2024 08:34

Oh that's sad. The musician and the instrument is such a close relationship, does he not get that?

LadyLolaRuben · 17/02/2024 08:36

Erm if the violin is a tool of your trade and going through the books, it's nothing to do with your husband.

That's a work/business decision and nothing to do with your marriage or personal life. CEOs don't go home to ask their partners to rubber stamp decisions on investments and acquisitions etc.

I'd be telling him straight

Julianne65 · 17/02/2024 08:36

My husband spent £1000 on AC/DC tickets yesterday. It’s probably a once in a lifetime opportunity to see them since they are not getting any younger. I don’t grudge him at all although it’s a chunk out of our savings. Like you we discussed it. I wouldn’t make him feel bad about it. Your DH is being unreasonable.