DP guilting me about spending a lot of money

[Symphonique]

It’s my birthday today. I’ve spent a lot of money, and DH is now making me feel guilty.

I’m a professional musician, I work hard, I earn a reasonable about of money. DH is an architect and does well too. We are comfortable financially and have savings.

I’ve wanted to buy an additional violin for a while, because it’s my passion and although I love my existing violin, I’ve wanted a second (less expensive) instrument because it would be a good back up and I wanted to choose an instrument with a very different sound.

We’ve talked about it on and off for a couple of months and agreed a budget. I have had a wonderful day playing different violins at the shop and bought one I absolutely adore.

He’s since made snide comments like, oh it may take a while to build up the money you’ve spent today, or it just means things we want to spend a lot of money on (eg new bathroom) will have to be put back now.

I’m now feeling guilty, and a bit cross as he was totally supportive and fine about what we agreed. However, now he doesn’t seem fine about it at all. I feel I’ve made a huge mistake. But at the same time am so delighted with my purchase.

AIBU or is he?

Lots of comments about how mean and nasty he is when I think someone mean and nasty probably wouldn't agree to his dp taking £10k out of joint funds when he never withdraws anything for himself.

Depends on how much savings you have. If you blew half the family savings on a non essential item I would be very upset. If it was only a small percentage then be fine

I would hate to be in the position of making a good wage and having to discuss a purchase I wanted to make for MONTHS. I would have just bought it and not even thought to discuss it.

You'd spend 10k just like that? Yeh sure you would 😂

When it's his birthday encourage him in any purchase he'd like to make then piss all over his chips.

I bet even a professional would struggle to make a Stentor sound amazing!!!

He's being spiteful and manipulative and trying to ruin your birthday.

You're certainly correct to be confused and asking yourself why

We sort of do this.
Each contribute towards the bills - then spend the rest as we wish.
Big purchases we run by each other. But it's usually a yes.

I know nothing of instruments but it sounds like you were doing the equivalent of buying a wand from Ollivanders!

How wonderful for you, don't let your day be tainted, and happy birthday for yesterday.

My DH found for us the best approach is to have an equal amount of personal spending money. Then if he uses his money to pay for a fancy golf membership or I use mine for a solo holiday etc it’s not a thing.
In your case it’s more tricky as you need the violin for your career.

If you're a professional musician then this is a work related expense and can be offset against your taxes so he is being OTT

Even if you weren't a professional musician why shouldn't you have something that brings you joy & will be well used ?
If you can afford it you can have it & he can get in the box

Why shouldn't she... well because someone else is paying for it? Could he also drop 10K on something that 'brings him joy' even if he doesn't need it?
There's no question of her affording it and telling him to get in the box. It's their money. Not just hers.

OP I thought it was like 5K maybe not an entire house deposit. He's wrong for making PA comments instead of stating what really bothers him as I stated earlier.

This is why I never understand the MN attitude of 'joint money' it leads to situations like this. Nothing stopping either of you from having 'personal spends' in your own account and you saving up for yours.

Enjoy your new violin.
In fact, every time he whinges at you, screech it in his face

She's a professional musician FFS! Of course her instruments are expensive!

You sound like a beautiful couple and I hope he will support your art. If I had a musical husband who performs , I would be in favour of having few nice instruments, most professionals do have them. And would be proud with you.

It's not "somebody else's money", it's joint money, and a tool for your profession isn't an indulgence.

I agree about joint accounts. To me it's weird not to have control over your own finances. Me and Dh have been very happily married for 25 years. We have always had a joint account for bills which we each pay into but then the remainder of our wages (roughly the same amount) is left in our own individual account. If i want to buy endless from Amazon, gifts, clothes, food that I fancy, theatre tickets etc i don't have to ask for money, justify it to dh or explain. He's the same. He plays bass and bought a new one last week. We discussed it first because he asked my opinion but ultimately it's his money so up to him. I like having my own money.

Thanks everyone, some good points especially about it being a tool for my trade, quite right! I do some teaching too and didn’t really want to cart my main violin around schools and peoples houses. Not just because of the financial value but because it is extremely sentimental to me. My mum saved for years and took out loans to get it for my 16th birthday for my final grade. That means an awful lot to me, and although it’s obviously insured, I would be devastated if something happened to it.

in terms of finances, we do have our own business accounts as well as joint savings and a joint current account. However, we would always discuss big purchases as ultimately we see all the money whether in separate accounts or joint accounts as ‘ours’. We’ve always been like that - appreciate everyone is different but it works for us. We are both very open about finances with each other. Also as we are both self employed our incomes do vary from one month to the next.

I don’t know a great deal about tax, I just hand everything to my accountant in terms of earnings and expenses and just pay my tax bill when it comes, unfortunately I’m neither interested or particularly good with stuff like that, but in simplistic terms, presumably my tax bill will be a lot lower as a considerable expense has gone through my accounts.

In terms of talking about it for a couple of months prior, it was mainly me wavering. He said all along if it’s something I want, to go for it. We both grew up in poverty and therefore are generally quite frugal. DH is very switched on with stuff like this and knows where to invest / save money, where the best interest rates are etc. it was down to him that we are very fortunate to not have a mortgage- many years ago he suggested overpaying the mortgage, whereas it didn’t even cross my mind 😁, glad we did though!

He’s always been very supportive of me and my career, when we first got married I left a well paid corporate job to pursue my music. Although I had always loved my violin and passed all my grades by 16, I decided on a different career after uni and realised in my 20’s I had made a huge mistake. I left and went to work for the local music service for a couple of hours, earning about £50 per week! I studied higher level performance diplomas alongside this and built my career and business from there.

He’s not at all musical but he does appreciate what this means to me. I wish he was passionate about something so he could treat himself too!

He seems to have moved on from snide comments today luckily- I have played happy birthday to myself but need to do proper stuff like sevcik now.

if he makes any more comments I will play something melancholic in a dramatic fashion

The way DH and I overcome this, because if you have conflicting interests it is always hard to reconcile a big purchase on something that just doesn't matter to you, is to have separate fun money for ourselves, pocket money if you will. We pool everything, but then we siphon off an identical amount each month for our own personal spends and it makes it a lot easier to be supportive of the other person!

It's a lot of money- but your finances seem to be such it can't be said whose money?

You can afford it & it was agreed-awful of him to try to spoil your enjoyment of it.

Could you spend less on the bathroom & bring it forward?

I took my grade 4 on a stentor 😊, my teacher was pulling his hair out and begging me to get a better violin for grade 5, my mum sold her car for an old banger and spent £1,000 on a new violin for me bless her.

Is he a dog?

Put bluntly, this is like an electrician buying tools. You need it, and good tools make the job easier. It’s definitely going against your tax and is also an asset so win/ win/ win. Tell him to do his drawings with a crayola or on an Amstrad if he can’t understand that!

How much???
does your income from playing the violin justify the cost? If so, then it’s irrelevant.
My DH plays the guitar in a band for a hobby. He saves up and buys his own guitars from his savings. They don’t come out of family money.