DP guilting me about spending a lot of money

[Symphonique]

It’s my birthday today. I’ve spent a lot of money, and DH is now making me feel guilty.

I’m a professional musician, I work hard, I earn a reasonable about of money. DH is an architect and does well too. We are comfortable financially and have savings.

I’ve wanted to buy an additional violin for a while, because it’s my passion and although I love my existing violin, I’ve wanted a second (less expensive) instrument because it would be a good back up and I wanted to choose an instrument with a very different sound.

We’ve talked about it on and off for a couple of months and agreed a budget. I have had a wonderful day playing different violins at the shop and bought one I absolutely adore.

He’s since made snide comments like, oh it may take a while to build up the money you’ve spent today, or it just means things we want to spend a lot of money on (eg new bathroom) will have to be put back now.

I’m now feeling guilty, and a bit cross as he was totally supportive and fine about what we agreed. However, now he doesn’t seem fine about it at all. I feel I’ve made a huge mistake. But at the same time am so delighted with my purchase.

AIBU or is he?

@Eleganz See this is the thing. If my husband needed to buy a new £10k laptop for his work, I would expect him to have done his accounts properly, and the conversation would go something like, "I've got a lot of business expenses this year so I won't be making as much profit, which unfortunately is going to affect our household income to XYZ extent, I'll be contributing less to the household budget as a result so shall we sit down and run the joint numbers together so we both understand what that looks like." That's the sensible and mature way to manage these things I think.

Yeah hard to get tone through text. Doesnt mean I'm wrong. It's your posts thats painted a picture of your bloke OP.

If he makes any more comments I will play something melancholic in a dramatic fashion.

Love this comment of yours, OP! Im
sorry your DP’s comments took a little of the shine off your day/purchase. Perhaps you’re right that he is a little envious. We can all have off days where we have little digs about things, I guess. It sounds as though you generally have a very good relationship though.

Just ignore him and if he says it again say 'we agreed to that spending , unless you're suggesting we can't afford it and want to return it, I don't want to discuss it any more as it's getting in the way of me enjoying my birthday treat'

What a horrible shit he is. It’s your birthday. You’ve discussed it. He’s just furious he isn’t getting something too. That is vile and so immature.

Of course its offset against tax bill given its a work tool.
Make it very clear to him, this is what you wanted, you both agreed on it so he's to STFU!
Tosser spoiling your Birthday!
Life's difficult enough without this snide undermining. You work for it....you deserve it.

OP
please learn ‘the world’s smallest violin’ song to play if he brings up the expenditure again.

Like this 😂

Why should he get a treat for YOUR birthday?!

Perfect!

Just remind him of Min-Jim Kym’s Strad that was pinched at Waterloo station.

You need a second violin.

Take his comments at face value - and enjoy your lovely new violin! The whole experience sounds delightful!

For those who weren't aware how much one can reasonably spend on professional level violins, I am reminded of the time some 20 years back when my sister was trying to get established as an orchestral violinist. There are major instrument auctions every 6 months, and she had a sum of money earmarked for the purchase of a suitable instrument. Or alternatively it would be their (hefty) house deposit.

OP - enjoy your violin, and next time your DH says something unkind and tries to claim it as a joke, do make it clear that it was not funny and he should knock it off immediately.

As an aside I came to violin teaching in my late 30s, having always discounted music as a career (for lots of reasons including knowing I didn't have my sister's talent nor dedication). It has turned into such a joy and I am very amused that my reaction to "would you stop working if you won the lottery" threads, is to imagine setting up a music teaching hub ...

For those who weren't aware how much one can reasonably spend on professional level violins

They should bear in mind that Strads sell for millions…

Enjoy your violin and happy birthday! £10k is obviously a huge amount of money to most people but you're a professional and it’s no different to a pro golfer having a set of quality clubs or a pro chef having a superb oven set up at home. It’s an investment which will be used forever. The key thing is that you both agreed on it beforehand. You didn’t just drop 10k of shared money. He has no right to complain after the event.

I'm warming to my theme here ... especially reading responses saying, "You spent how much!" "It's family money!" What's life about really, if it's not the moments of indulgence and delight now and then? You can afford it, you wanted it, he agreed, you did it! And now you have something that brings you joy.

Life is about more than trudging through the quotidian, punctuated by the odd home improvement purchase. Life is short, we have to do the things that make us happy. You aren't struggling to make rent or feed your children.

Do what you love.

If you care for your violin it will always have a reasonable value. Not like a computer or gadget that might be superseded by a change of technology. It is not like a holiday that will be gone in 2 weeks time. It is not like a £10,000 car that will be down to £100 after 6 years.
Enjoy it.

Well when it's his birthday, he can have a treat.

Seriously - he's making snide comments because you bought the birthday present you'd discussed at length together? Is he six?

Tbh I think it depends.
assuming you have hundreds of thousands in the bank £10k is just an expenditure. But if you cleaned out the bank account then it’s understandable that he might be miffed.
and did you actually agree that you were going to spend that much? Or was it a conversation more along the lines of that being how much you would spend, and your DP didn’t actually think of it as being agreed that you were going to go out and spend 10 grand.