DP guilting me about spending a lot of money

[Symphonique]

It’s my birthday today. I’ve spent a lot of money, and DH is now making me feel guilty.

I’m a professional musician, I work hard, I earn a reasonable about of money. DH is an architect and does well too. We are comfortable financially and have savings.

I’ve wanted to buy an additional violin for a while, because it’s my passion and although I love my existing violin, I’ve wanted a second (less expensive) instrument because it would be a good back up and I wanted to choose an instrument with a very different sound.

We’ve talked about it on and off for a couple of months and agreed a budget. I have had a wonderful day playing different violins at the shop and bought one I absolutely adore.

He’s since made snide comments like, oh it may take a while to build up the money you’ve spent today, or it just means things we want to spend a lot of money on (eg new bathroom) will have to be put back now.

I’m now feeling guilty, and a bit cross as he was totally supportive and fine about what we agreed. However, now he doesn’t seem fine about it at all. I feel I’ve made a huge mistake. But at the same time am so delighted with my purchase.

AIBU or is he?

Your mum sounds amazing OP.

Thank you, she was an amazing lady, I miss her so much. She was my inspiration- she struggled with illness throughout my childhood and eventually lost her to cancer. I have so many fond memories of sitting under the piano watching her feet move on the pedals. Someone gave it to us, it was an old upright where some of the keys didn’t work. Then watching her play the violin, I used to follow her around begging to have my own violin, pulling at her clothes,I was only 4, she eventually gave in when I was 6, we got a little violin from a jumble sale, I loved it! I used to spend hours trying to make it not sound like I was murdering a cat 😂

Woof woof

We pool our money, we are married with children so it’s easier to share everything. We earn a similar amount so neither of us are resentful. We have a very similar attitude to money so buy what we want, it’s never been an issue.

Exactly- I think there are a lot of people who feel more comfortable having separate finances and that’s absolutely fine, different things work for different people. However, I don’t like the undertones of if you share all your money with your spouse you’re in some way naive?

my husband has been in my life for over 30 years, and during that time we’ve both experienced financial highs and lows. It would never occur to either of us to ‘lend’ money to cover the other person. It’s always been whatever either of us earns it goes into a joint ‘pot’ and we plan accordingly.

I trust my husband implicitly and he does me, we have never been anything but transparent with everything including finances but we are a team. We are both equal partners with a mutual respect for each other in all aspects of life including finances. Maybe this is an old fashioned view though. Different things work for different people.

Different things work for different people

Absolutely right, until it doesn't work. If it worked, you wouldn't be on here concerned that he's being a dick for treating yourself.

Maybe it's just a one off. You'll clock it if it happens again.

Different things work for different people.

But it's not working for you? Your DH has resented your purchase and you resent his reaction, as I say there is a compromise, you don't have to pool everything all the time, it can be helpful to have a little separation to allow a bit of freedom for some personal spends (be that fun or professional). This was a compromise DH and I came to when completely pooling wasn't working. We pool everything, but hold a little back for ourselves for no judgement spending. It helps the person who wants to spend, but also the one who doesn't understand why the other wants to buy certain things!

You sound angry and a little unkind.

Oh sod him!
Do not let him spoil your enjoyment of your lovely new instrument - just enjoy!

If he is then he seems to be a good boy, op. Enjoy your violin!

Walk around the house like a roaming fiddler playing Happy Birthday on your new violin. ALL DAY.

Glad you read my message about the violin being a tool of the trade.

So if we're agreed that was the price of a peice of work equipment...what are you getting for your birthday??

Please remember to separate business from pleasure and treat yourself!

I hope you also bought a teeny tiny violin to play right in his ear every time he whines about it!
He agreed to it, you can afford it, it’s your job as well as your love. He is being a jealous idiot!

@Symphonique - my DD was bought a new violin (and bow) and she thoroughly enjoyed her morning of trying all sorts of violin and bows. I never realised just how much difference a bow could make before that either. Unbeknownst to her, she actually chose the least expensive one but it was the one that sounded the best. Enjoy your new violin!

lemmein · Today 05:37

"I didn't even know you could spend £10k on a violin! "

Ever heard of a Stradivarius !

I would think this is a business decision anyway. Do you keep all your money together then? My son is in a similar situation to you and he and his wife have shared accounts but also have their own money he doesn't want to buy things for work out of their shared accounts and both of them like to have their own money they can do what they want with.

No they don’t? What’s ‘unkind’ about this comment?

That's really off OP.

@gamerchick hasn't said anything unkind. She's been around here for ages and often gives advice that cuts through the bullshit. I suspect like many women who've been on Mumsnet for a while, she will have seen and been on threads where a woman starts with a minor complaint about her husband being a bit of a dick, but frequently it is part of a pattern of poor behaviour.

She's pointed out that your husband has behaved badly on this occasion, hence your thread.

She's also pointed out that if it becomes a pattern you are likely to notice it now.

Frankly I don't see what she has said wrong to merit such a response. Perhaps instead of playing a lament on your violin, you could point the finger in your husband's direction rather than gamerchick's?

Hi OP, we have similar husbands I think. I spend a lot on myself (cosmetics wise) and he mithers over getting himself new trousers when his old ones are worn out. Like yours, as well, my husband knows that it brings me happiness and wants that for me, whilst also acknowledging he doesn't like spending money on himself and that's his choice too.

He does get worried sometimes though, but I choose to believe he's not pissing on my chips and is just voicing his worries. I sometimes say "well I'll stop then" and he will instantly back track and I reassure him that I won't go overboard and reassure him he can spend money on himself too (like you, we're lucky we can afford it).

Enjoy your violin and try and take your husband's comments as reflections on his worry, rather than to make you feel bad.

It's a tool for you to earn your living. If he wasn't happy he should not have agreed with it. This is a special day for you, tell him to stop ruining it for you. Play your violin and enjoy it. Surely an instrument would be tax deductible for a musician?

But it’s also a work expense? If he bought a second laptop for work would you be angry?

If he does mention it again, I wouldn't be going down the jokey "I'm worth it" route.
I would say something like "DH you've made a number of remarks about how expensive the violin is, and how it will impact other things like getting the house done. I'm a bit confused as we agreed the expense, and your attitude is sucking the enjoyment out of this. Are you concerned about finances or is there something I should know ?"

If your husband agreed to the expense it is mean to make snide comments after the purchase. If he had issues he should have said so beforehand.

sounds like he has a nasty streak and I would tell him so. He’s just bringing you down.

life is for living and buying a lovely violin and enjoying it is a wonderful way to enjoy your life. I don’t see the issue. You husband should want to see you happy and he should try to make yoh happy. It seems to me like he’s taking your happiness away.

I'm interested as to whether your violin is, as professional musician, actually a purchase for your job. It's complicated when your job is also your passion, in your case, but I wonder if it might be worth making more effort to separate business and personal expenses. I wouldn't want or expect my partner to buy business equipment out of our joint funds. He is a freelancer and works at home some of the time on a specific computer setup which he also uses for non-work things, but if he wanted a new monitor or whatever, I would expect him to buy that out of his business accounts and treat it as a business expense.

This is slightly separate to the emotional question of your husband subtly acting like he's going back on an agreement you had made, but I think it's connected.

It might be a good idea to have all your business income and outgoings go through a business account specific to you, from which you can pay yourself a "salary" and then this goes into your shared personal pot?

I think the blurred lines are important because it's confusing things. On the one hand this is an object that you want for your profession, on the other hand it's come out the shared personal pot and so affects your buying power as a couple. I feel like your husband is flickering between the two ways of understanding it.

If you had a set amount of money you allocated from your income for business costs, then you would be able to spend that income any way you wanted, and it wouldn't affect your shared spending power because you'd calculate your "salary" that went into the shared pot based on having already made allowances for these costs.

False comparison. Very few women would be happy if their husbands went out and spent £10k on a back up work laptop and that this a ridiculous scenario that wouldn't happen.

Anyway, I wonder how the discussion around the budget actually went. Was it an open discussion about the need for the instrument first then agreement on budget or was it a case that OP was set on getting a new fiddle and it was more about a haggle on the budget. Those two discussions are very different and the reasonableness of continuing to have reservations about the need for the purchase is very different between the two types of discussion.

Of course, what the DH should be doing is being open and honest about his concerns rather than making offhand remarks.