DP guilting me about spending a lot of money

[Symphonique]

It’s my birthday today. I’ve spent a lot of money, and DH is now making me feel guilty.

I’m a professional musician, I work hard, I earn a reasonable about of money. DH is an architect and does well too. We are comfortable financially and have savings.

I’ve wanted to buy an additional violin for a while, because it’s my passion and although I love my existing violin, I’ve wanted a second (less expensive) instrument because it would be a good back up and I wanted to choose an instrument with a very different sound.

We’ve talked about it on and off for a couple of months and agreed a budget. I have had a wonderful day playing different violins at the shop and bought one I absolutely adore.

He’s since made snide comments like, oh it may take a while to build up the money you’ve spent today, or it just means things we want to spend a lot of money on (eg new bathroom) will have to be put back now.

I’m now feeling guilty, and a bit cross as he was totally supportive and fine about what we agreed. However, now he doesn’t seem fine about it at all. I feel I’ve made a huge mistake. But at the same time am so delighted with my purchase.

AIBU or is he?

Spending money on the house brings him joy, he doesn't do it so that you also benefit.

I’m sure he will get over himself. I maybe think he’s a bit envious because he doesn’t have a passion like I do.

To be fair it brings me joy too!

It’s your career. A professional photographer could easily spend that on a single lens.

He agreed the price and day of playing them before hand. It does sound like a magical day and I’m sorry he’s out a dampener on it.

Well tell him he can put £10k in his personal account and spend it on whatever he wishes!

I would suggest joint account which you both pay equal amounts into & then your own accounts for fun money. Otherwise he will continue to query what you are spending. It's not as if you wasted it on nonsense. It's helpful for your career as a musician.

Ignore your husband.

What a perfect way to spend your birthday. Enjoy your lovely new violin.

It’s a tool. It’s a nice, expensive, worth having tool - but it’s still trade at the end of the day. And it’s 8k by write down anyway, not 10. And it’s a birthday present, so that negates a bit more spend.

You can’t ply your trade on a bloody Stentor, can you? I hope you had a wonderful violin tryout day and reckon he’s just salty that architects don’t get such cool tools. Happy New Violin Day!

I’m a very amateur musician, but I know trying out and buying instruments is the most amazing feeling and just so exciting. I’m excited for you!
Please don’t let him spoil that.
In enjoyment alone for the rest of your life, your instrument will pay you back 10 fold. 🎵

Wow £10k, but if that's what was agreed then he's being a knob.

I agree it's a work tool. It's also tax deductible over a number of years. If you'd bought a car today for work it would be worth a lot less in twelve months.

I know an architect who bought himself a motorbike and hid it for months 😂

Thank fuck I live alone. I can spend my money without snidey remarks from a "loved one".

You're a professional musician! You should be able to spend your money on professional outlays.

Bet he earns a bob or two as an architect.....

Nothing worse than a stingy man. As is one burning through his (or your) money too though.

Thank you so much, I can’t put into words how wonderful this was for me. I had my own room with rows of violins all hung on the walls, beautiful high ceilings with fabulous acoustics, and frequent cups of coffee brought to me by the lovely lady at the shop. Absolute bliss. I felt so lucky and blessed.

If my husband dares make another comment tomorrow I’m going to simply shrug , smile and say but I’m totally worth it, and I know he will grin as he knows that too 😊

I think when he made those comments I would have said with a straight face, 'do you want me to take it back then?' The speed of his answer would have told me how he really felt, ie, if he even paused for a second, it would mean he was thinking about it, but if it was truly a joke, I would have expected him to immediately say 'no, of course not, I was only joking, I'm really happy that you've got what you wanted'.

It does seem to me that shared finances are not right for you as a couple, as it seems he begrudges you spending your own money. Better in that case to each have your wages in individual accounts, and then a joint account for bills, holidays, savings, etc. So that once you've paid your bit into the pot each month, what you've got left is yours to spend as you please, and the same for him.

I wouldn’t say we were ‘loaded’, we just have an equal attitude to spending and saving. Big singular purchases don’t come around that often so hence the courtesy check. Neither of us have ever said no.

I think he’s being a bit mean and you should call him out on his so called jokes

you discussed a budget you can afford it so it wasn’t an impulsive random purchase

my dh needed to swap his car we discussed a budget he’s bought a new car it’s not a car i would choose personally but it was within budget he likes it. I now have to listen to him all excited about it. He’s got an app it does this does that blah blah I have no interest in cars but I smile sweetly pretend to be interested but I am genuinely happy for him that he loves it and is happy with it we also have joint finances pool everything

enjoy your new violin op

If the violin is your professional instrument that you need for work ie you are a professional violinist, have spent a lifetime on your craft , practise many hours daily , I would consider his behaviour very very problematic to the point where I would say he doesn’t respect your craft or your work. For me that would be end of relationship. If it is a second instrument for fun or learning 10k is an awful lot though, I would understand why he isn’t happy.

Enjoy your new violin!

It could be that he's not deliberately trying to make you feel bad. 10k is a lot of money, and if he isn't a musician, he won't be as used to musical instrument prices as you are (TBH, although 10k buys an absolutely lovely violin, I think you've been fairly restrained, given some of the prices I've seen) and even though you discussed and agreed a budget, he might be someone for whom the reality of spending a lot of money really hits them afterwards. If this is the case, he could be processing his thoughts aloud, in terms of the practical impact of the spending, rather than expressing negative thoughts about you spending the money.

He's being a bit of a prat and I think you should correct him when he mentions it again.
A) you have the money
B) it was agreed
C) it's tax deductible at 40% no?
D) it's a tool of your trade - an investment in your career
F) I'm sure it will hold its value

But most importantly it brings you joy.
I can't think of anything I spend my wages on that brings me joy at the moment, it's angered me that he had to try and piss on your chips. He sounds like such a boring baby.

Ohh wow that's a lot of money.
However as it is an asset that will most likely retain or increase in value, I think this is ok. I'd be annoyed (if I was him), if you'd bought something that was going to halve in value in a years time. But you didn't. So you are NBU.

His comments are factual though. Don't read too much into them.

Just say yes I know but that's fine and walk away.

So it might put your bathroom work back a few months - a year - so what? You still have a bathroom. Please enjoy your treasured violin. Just think of all the people, including you who will get so much pleasure listening to it for many years to come. Life is too short - enjoy it and the treasured things, times and people in it.

i once had thoughts about the cost of a bathroom while I was on holiday. I mentioned to another traveller that I was debating the cost of the holiday versus a new bathroom. She wisely asked if I already had a bathroom and I said I did. She replied “Well, there go then, now just enjoy the view and remember you are standing on the Great Wall of China”. Point taken.

i did get the new bathroom some months later, it was just a newer more of the same, having moved on I have forgotten the bathroom but remember the holiday.

Please enjoy your violin and don’t let any regrets stop your many years to come enjoyment.

Happy birthday, and congrats on your lovely new purchase. He's said his comments were a joke, so take that at face value and ignore anything else.