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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell MIL to stop with the comments

542 replies

mariaem · 16/02/2024 21:48

More of an "how to do this" not AIBU

I'd rather not have my husband with me during the birth. I prefer he drops me off at the hospital or heads home when the intense contractions start, and then returns once the baby and I are cleaned up. This is just how I feel, and I'm not really up for debating it, so please let's not turn this post into a discussion of pros and cons of partners being at the birth. The question is about MIL's comments and how to address them.

So, I'm about 28 weeks pregnant, and every time I see my MIL, she just won't let up with the comments like, 'Are you still planning not to have him present?' or 'Do you think he'll regret not being there?' or 'Perhaps you'll change your mind when you feel more maternal towards the end of pregnancy' I've been trying to brush it off for the past 20 weeks with responses like, 'I don't see myself changing my mind' or 'Yeah, it's what we've decided,' but she's persistent.

My husband thinks she's just shocked and wants to express her feelings, but he's never been one to stand up to her. He's more of a 'mom's always right' kinda guy. We've talked about it, and he's cool with whatever makes me comfortable on the day, ultimately I'm the one doing the work.

How can I gently but firmly address her comments? I've tried telling her that the topic makes me uncomfortable and that we've made our decision, but she seems to ignore it.

OP posts:
Samlewis96 · 17/02/2024 08:06

Kemblefordsnice · 16/02/2024 22:42

It's absolutely none of your MIL's business BUT... will your husband regret not being there to see his baby being born?

I know it's your body but half of your baby is your husband's.

Can you tell us why you don't want him there? Your reasoning might stem some of the shocked comments.

See I'm not shocked in the slightest. I've had 3 kids. Only the last one was the father at the birth and I felt pressured into it by him and society in general. He irritated the hell out of me and I wished I could just bloody get on with it without him there. Was preferable ( and more attention from midwives) when there alone

As for MIL best just refuse to discuss the subject

Hoolahooploop · 17/02/2024 08:08

I think you’re going to find motherhood a real shock OP

Twiglets1 · 17/02/2024 08:13

Moonwatcher1234 · 17/02/2024 07:07

I doubt her husband really is comfortable with this actually - maybe his mum knows this. Very weird Victorian attitude not to allow the father in until you’re “cleaned up” Also from another “eastern” culture and I think times have changed even in those countries.

What makes you so sure you understand this man’s feelings better than his own wife?

springbrigid · 17/02/2024 08:15

NoOrdinaryMorning · 16/02/2024 22:09

That's really unfair and dare I say it, a bit selfish to ban your DH from being at the birth of his own child. I mean yeah it's your body so you can absolutely do it, but I think it's unfair. Particularly when you could just say to him to be quiet, not to touch you and keep a lot profile in the room, etc. Some ground rules. But to ban him completely? I'm not surprised his DM is upset, she's upset for her DS ☹️

The OP has already said it's not up for discussion!

diddl · 17/02/2024 08:16

I feel like if we don't put a stop to it now, it'll just be the story of our whole life doing everything MIL wants and not doing anything she disapproves of. And I certainly don't want that for when the baby arrives.

That doesn't sound very promising-why would that be happening unless one of you wants it to?

Giving in to mum at the expense of his wife is horrible.

phoenixrosehere · 17/02/2024 08:17

*as much as absolutely it’s your right to not permit your husband this, many mothers are posting as they know that that bonding moment for all 3 of you, that magical moment when your child is born, is beyond special and the first stepping stone to your family journey.

howver if you wish to exclude him , then this is your right, and that’s a sadness he and those who love him will need to accept.*

My DH was at the first and after that was not at the second or the third. I don’t like being seen in pain by family members. I ignored that about myself with the first because it was the first time I ever been in a hospital overnight since birth and not in my home country. First was an unnecessary induction where we were both left traumatised and DH still is after 9 years. For my own and his, I had a doula for the second, and went in on my own for the third.

I had lovely 2nd and 3rd births and it didn’t stop him bonding with them. DS2 is his shadow, DS1 right behind him. DD1 is all about mummy but she’s only 3.5 months.

Itsahouseone · 17/02/2024 08:18

Just to add to someone else’s comment.. tell her nothing in future then she can’t have an opinion. I didn’t tell my in-laws that I had a scheduled csection booked. Told them after baby arrived and even then she still tried to be judgey about it. She tells everyone everything so didn’t want her broadcasting my private medical info. She’s now kept at arms length

LakieLady · 17/02/2024 08:19

marshmallowburn · 17/02/2024 00:03

Feel sorry for the DH.

Yes, it's a shame he hasn't got the balls to tell his mother that he won't be at the birth and the topic is closed for discussion.

GabriellaMontez · 17/02/2024 08:20

NoOrdinaryMorning · 16/02/2024 22:14

@Bex5490 Absolutely I would unless he was violent or abusive. It's his child! He has every right to see him/her born. As long as he's respectful of the mother and stands well back if she wishes him to.

He has no right at all.

It's a relatively modern fashion in some parts of the world. Nothing more.

springbrigid · 17/02/2024 08:26

crumblingschools · 17/02/2024 01:21

I can’t understand why if you were happy to have sex with someone you wouldn’t be happy to have them with you when you give birth (if you are still in a loving relationship with them). I would have felt terrible if I hadn’t let DH be there for the moment we became parents.

I also had complications during and after the birth so he was able to advocate for me and look after DS whilst they were fixing the after birth issues.

Hate to break it to you - but having sex and giving birth are very very different things. Just because you say you'd have felt terrible, why do you need to assume that your feelings and experience are the norm?

Comtesse · 17/02/2024 08:27

Copperoliverbear · 17/02/2024 04:25

Also if the boot was on the other foot and men could have children and was stopping the wife from attending, there would be uproar

That is the silliest hypothetical I’ve seen for a long time…..

GabriellaMontez · 17/02/2024 08:27

DifficultBloodyWoman · 16/02/2024 23:57

FFS!

To the posters who are ignoring the OP’s wishes - medical research has shown that mother and baby both do better if the mother’s partner is not present. Labour is shorter, better for both mother and baby.
In much of the world, possibly most of the world, it is not normal to have the fathers present at the birth.

To the OP - address the issue with MIL directly. Directly doesn’t necessarily mean rudely or confrontationally.
‘MIL, why do keep raising the subject when DH and I have already decided?’
’MIL, I’m concerned that you keep talking about this when it only concerns me and DH. Are you going to be like this after the baby is born?’
’MIL, I understand you don’t agree with our decision. Talking about it very time we see you is not going change our minds but it will make me want to see you less’.

Tone is everything - you could be a sweet as pie or as vicious as 13 year old girls playing hockey. Same words, different results.

Totally agree with all this.

I'd try "didn't you ask me that already?"
"Why are you asking again"? "That's enough".

But you'd be well within your rights to really snap at her too.

Moonwatcher1234 · 17/02/2024 08:32

Twiglets1 · 17/02/2024 08:13

What makes you so sure you understand this man’s feelings better than his own wife?

Show quote history

Can you read? I’ve said I doubt he feels comfortable with it and it may explain his mother’s behaviour. Obviously nobody knows for sure as OP has just posted her perspective. Kind of the point of an internet forum!

Twiglets1 · 17/02/2024 08:34

But you have absolutely no basis on which to say you doubt he feels comfortable?
He has told his wife he’s cool with it

Advertisements · 17/02/2024 08:35

OP have you planned to have anyone with you? I would highly recommend having someone, giving birth can be hard and traumatic and sometimes you’re a bit out of it and decisions need to be made.

Having someone there to support you, repeat things to you clearly and get information on your behalf can be important.

I’m not saying your DH, but a family member, trusted friend or doula as an alternative.

I say this as someone who had a difficult birth and needed my DH with me to have discussions with about decisions and for him to relay information that I hadn’t quite understood. I may have made the wrong choice if I hadn’t had a second person there.

phoenixrosehere · 17/02/2024 08:36

Ignore her. She brings it up, say “It is not up for debate. Bring it up again and I’m leaving. I will get up and exit without a word. You are welcome to try and see what happens, but you cannot say I didn’t warn you.”

You know yourself. Not every mother needs or wants a spouse there and it is constantly said the people you want with you are the ones that are going to be supportive, know your needs, and not going to stress you out which is the last thing you want to be when in labour.

My own mum was hoping to be there with DC3, despite me telling her that I am to do like other mammals, be left tf alone until the doctor is needed. I don’t want to be fussed over or touched unless necessary, nor is this a spectator sport. Despite saying this repeatedly, she said she would just sit in the corner 🙄.

Bonding is continuous. If it was so immediate with fathers, would so many choose to walk away from their children even those who were there at the births.

GabriellaMontez · 17/02/2024 08:39

Comtesse · 17/02/2024 08:27

That is the silliest hypothetical I’ve seen for a long time…..

Show quote history

No it's the silliest! And there's quite a lot of competition...

10ThousandSpoons · 17/02/2024 08:40

This thread is awful. There's load of people just like the MIL!

Sugargliderwombat · 17/02/2024 08:44

I agree with all the messages about being blunt and getting OH to be sterner. But I also think it'd be worth having a conversation with her about her expectations as a grandparent. You really don't want someone like this on you all the time when you have a newborn. She probably sees herself as incredibly wise and knowledgeable and this will filter into the rest of your life once baby is here.

AgnesX · 17/02/2024 08:49

NoOrdinaryMorning · 16/02/2024 22:09

That's really unfair and dare I say it, a bit selfish to ban your DH from being at the birth of his own child. I mean yeah it's your body so you can absolutely do it, but I think it's unfair. Particularly when you could just say to him to be quiet, not to touch you and keep a lot profile in the room, etc. Some ground rules. But to ban him completely? I'm not surprised his DM is upset, she's upset for her DS ☹️

But it's not for her to speak for him. He's an adult and capable of having that conversation with his own partner.

If he needs his mother to speak up for him the OP has a larger problem.

crumblingschools · 17/02/2024 08:50

OP’s DH should obviously not be there if OP doesn’t want him but not sure the DH should have to tell the MIL it’s their decision that he isn’t going to attend the birth, if he actually would like to be there.

And are many of the cultures where men don’t routinely attend childbirth also ones which treat menstruation as dirty or cultures where women are treated as lesser beings so anything to do with raising children is women’s work?

Calmdown14 · 17/02/2024 08:51

I can kind of understand why you don't want him there. Mine is a bit squeamish and I was glad when he fell asleep.

But will you have anyone advocating for you if it's required? Thinking rationally while in that level of pain is difficult. If problems do occur, what will happen?

I do think he should be at or very close to the hospital or that someone should be with you.

Katypp · 17/02/2024 08:54

I think the way pps are encouraging the OP to use the baby as a pawn before it's even born is frankly appalling.
There have been several posts along the lines of 'tell her to stop or she won't see her grandchild'.
These comments are nasty, selfish and unbelievably self-absorbed but pretty typical of a lot of posters who seem to think having a baby is perfect opportunity to micromanage every other family member, including, in thuis case apparently, even the baby's father.

Heronwatcher · 17/02/2024 08:56

I agree, just sigh and change the subject and in future just don’t mention things like this to her.

And just a quick warning, in the NHS at the moment most midwives will be dealing with multiple women giving birth so it is really unwise not to have anyone at all with you if you’re on a normal labour ward- you could well need them to get someone for you in an emergency (quite often buzzers don’t work or no one comes), or even just for basic stuff (like to get you a drink, food, get you to the loo etc). Obviously your decision not to have your DH there but are you taking someone at least (mum/ sister/ friend/ doula)?

fuckssaaaaake · 17/02/2024 09:05

I can't believe how many people are completely ignoring the fact the op has said this is a cultural thing. Unbelievably ignorant and short sighted