To tell MIL to stop with the comments

[mariaem]

More of an "how to do this" not AIBU

I'd rather not have my husband with me during the birth. I prefer he drops me off at the hospital or heads home when the intense contractions start, and then returns once the baby and I are cleaned up. This is just how I feel, and I'm not really up for debating it, so please let's not turn this post into a discussion of pros and cons of partners being at the birth. The question is about MIL's comments and how to address them.

So, I'm about 28 weeks pregnant, and every time I see my MIL, she just won't let up with the comments like, 'Are you still planning not to have him present?' or 'Do you think he'll regret not being there?' or 'Perhaps you'll change your mind when you feel more maternal towards the end of pregnancy' I've been trying to brush it off for the past 20 weeks with responses like, 'I don't see myself changing my mind' or 'Yeah, it's what we've decided,' but she's persistent.

My husband thinks she's just shocked and wants to express her feelings, but he's never been one to stand up to her. He's more of a 'mom's always right' kinda guy. We've talked about it, and he's cool with whatever makes me comfortable on the day, ultimately I'm the one doing the work.

How can I gently but firmly address her comments? I've tried telling her that the topic makes me uncomfortable and that we've made our decision, but she seems to ignore it.

coming from HER vagina. I only share mine with people I’m comfy with.

I think some people getting upset on the husband’s behalf are missing the bit where OP said in her original post that he was “cool with whatever makes me comfortable”.

And she can't fathom her husband being in there with her....is it that hard to understand that people can be different?
The OP would be more 'bloody upset' if she was forced to have him in there.

I didn't let my ex in with me, and there was a chance after that I'd need to go to theatre due to retained placenta and I wouldn't have wanted or let him to to theatre with me either.
He came in to see the baby and I got him to leave again once the doc came in and when he mentioned the possibility of theatre I wasn't scared and didn't tell them to get my ex to come in again.

We are all different!

Yeh my husband did

Seems like he’s changed one bossy opinionated woman who always thinks she right for another.

Yes, @VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia it's standard to be given the choice of who cuts the cord. It's not something that can go wrong medically as the cord has served its purpose once baby is out and the process is supervised by the midwife anyway.

Make it very boring for her to keep asking, repeat in a monotone voice that you haven't changed your mind, if she carries on then hang up the phone or leave the room

Your husband needs to be on your side not hers in future, bit of a beige flag

@Fairyliz having an opinion on who she wants to be with her during a significant medical procedure makes her bossy?!? More women should be bossy then and state their own wishes, why should anyone be allowed in with a woman whilst she is giving birth if she is not comfortable with it?

As you get on well with your BIL's girlfriend I think you need to work together with her on a friendly competition of who gets the most irritating comments from MIL. Every time MIL makes a comment, either this or one of the many opinion's she is bound to have on your parenting over the coming years, add a tick to a list. Girlfriend can do the same and you can have a laugh with her over who has amassed the most ticks and how outrageous the latest comment is. Let MIL know you are doing this so each time she says anything, gleefully, comment "Oh good another tick, I'm winning at the moment"

Sorry you seem to have had such a pile on, OP. I understand your decision and if I'm honest I often wonder why more women don't choose to give birth alone (perhaps the fear of judgement, looking at this thread).

I'd happily give birth alone (I laboured mostly alone by choice) and specifically asked for everyone, including DH and midwives, to be as hands off as (sensibly/medically) possible at the end when I actually gave birth. That was for two births, no regrets, it worked for me.

I'm going to give birth to my third baby soon and we have discussed the possibility of me giving birth with just midwives for company if childcare becomes an issue... I know that some women would be horrified by the idea, but I'm unphased. DH would prefer to be there if possible but is OK with not being there if it comes to it. Everyone is different.

Tbf, the norm in Britain is for a father to be at the birth hence MIL banging on about it. Just ignore her comments, she's entitled to her opinion but you're going to do it your way anyway Doesn't need to turn into ww3.

Couldn’t agree more, it’s no one’s business but hers. Maybe he doesn’t want to be there, we don’t know. I definitely didn’t want anyone when I gave birth and it was the right decision.
I don’t understand why a man has to or wants to be present anyway, but Irespect people’s choices.

Op, active labour can be very long, and staff won’t be with you constantly. On average it can be about 8 hours. Is your husband allowed there for none of it? Or is it just when your child is about to be born he needs to leave, ie he cannot be near the business end? Is it literally he has to drop you off and then wait for a phone call to get to meet his own child?

I mean for me, I was in there for over 24 hours then taken in for an emergency c section, my husband was with me throughout, and I’d not have been without him. I understand you don’t feel th4 same about yours.

he was there when our child was born, and was handed to us, he was holding my hand, and that’s a truly magical moment for both parents.

as much as absolutely it’s your right to not permit your husband this, many mothers are posting as they know that that bonding moment for all 3 of you, that magical moment when your child is born, is beyond special and the first stepping stone to your family journey.

howver if you wish to exclude him , then this is your right, and that’s a sadness he and those who love him will need to accept.

Absolutely.

I doubt her husband really is comfortable with this actually - maybe his mum knows this. Very weird Victorian attitude not to allow the father in until you’re “cleaned up” Also from another “eastern” culture and I think times have changed even in those countries.

And you're bloody rude. OP has already said she's from a different country, cultural differences exist. And it's her bloody choice as well. Someone up thread has already pointed out that the law is on OP's side here.

But no, of course it's just because OP doesn't want her DH to see her without makeup on. That would be the last thing on my mind after giving birth!

as much as absolutely it’s your right to not permit your husband this, many mothers are posting as they know that that bonding moment for all 3 of you, that magical moment when your child is born, is beyond special and the first stepping stone to your family journey.

howver if you wish to exclude him , then this is your right, and that’s a sadness he and those who love him will need to accept.

The moment my son met his little brother was incredibly special, but he didn't need to attend the birth. The OP's DH will just have a different, but still magical, experience meeting his newborn baby.

There's people on this very thread doing the same thing!

Your decisions are not up for discussion.

Personally I would snap at this point. Maybe ask her "why do keep asking about this we've made ourselves very clear" and then if she does it again just get up and walk out

I think in future don’t share with her if you don’t want an opinion. I would be wary of not having him there at all even if he leaves the room when you decide. If you fall ill the baby will need him. Plus the bonding is about him too.

No reason why father can't bond after the birth, really think the OP's preference is most important during the actual birth

I would just remind her I am not prepared to discuss it and walk out of the room.

I know a woman who made the same choice you did. It’s how women gave birth for all of human history. It’s a very reasonable choice to make.

Wow! Only read one page of comments but appalled by some of the angry men’s rights activists here.

I think part of the problem is that we have this weird culture built up that birth is a magical, wonderful experience, not to be missed. And for a few lucky women it is. But for most women, it’s not. Either because birth is difficult and painful, exhausting, actively traumatic, dangerous, the woman is too exhausted or traumatized at the end for it to be magical, the man is too traumatized at the dnd for it to be magical or it’s just a bit ‘meh’ as it was for me as you are just not hit by those bonding hormones and are just like ‘ oh it’s a baby’, but it doesn’t really feel like yours yet.

But because birth is built up as some magical experience, you get women traumatized or devastated not to have had this amazing experience.

Birth is really just the difficult, and still quite dangerous ( though must less so if you give birth with appropriate meadical expertise in hand) process of getting the baby out of the mother. It’s not the destination and we need to stop thinking of it as such.

Birth is a uniquely female experience and if the woman does not want her H there. That’s her choice. I suspect many men would be fine with this, even relieved.

Just tell her "My body, my choice and none of your business."

You may have to say it a few times before it sinks in though.

Agree, put her on an information diet! She's can't comment on what she doesn't know anything about.

Hmmm.. presumably she already shared her vagina