To tell MIL to stop with the comments

[mariaem]

More of an "how to do this" not AIBU

I'd rather not have my husband with me during the birth. I prefer he drops me off at the hospital or heads home when the intense contractions start, and then returns once the baby and I are cleaned up. This is just how I feel, and I'm not really up for debating it, so please let's not turn this post into a discussion of pros and cons of partners being at the birth. The question is about MIL's comments and how to address them.

So, I'm about 28 weeks pregnant, and every time I see my MIL, she just won't let up with the comments like, 'Are you still planning not to have him present?' or 'Do you think he'll regret not being there?' or 'Perhaps you'll change your mind when you feel more maternal towards the end of pregnancy' I've been trying to brush it off for the past 20 weeks with responses like, 'I don't see myself changing my mind' or 'Yeah, it's what we've decided,' but she's persistent.

My husband thinks she's just shocked and wants to express her feelings, but he's never been one to stand up to her. He's more of a 'mom's always right' kinda guy. We've talked about it, and he's cool with whatever makes me comfortable on the day, ultimately I'm the one doing the work.

How can I gently but firmly address her comments? I've tried telling her that the topic makes me uncomfortable and that we've made our decision, but she seems to ignore it.

Gosh OP, I know you didn't want a discussion about it, but wouldn't it be better to have someone with you? If not your DH, a friend or doula? I don't want to scare you, but giving birth in an NHS hospital can be a scary and stressful experience. It can be difficult to advocate for yourself when you're tired and in lots of pain. I certainly would not want to go in alone.

My friend made a similar choice - her husband stayed with her until the later stages and then left. He then went back shortly after baby born. This was something our friend wanted and had a doula with her for support.

Her husband would have liked to have stayed but respected & understood his wife choices.

I think what a few of us are trying to say is that the OP hasn’t mentioned a doula or anyone else. And doing it all alone isn’t advised. I understand she’s mentioned cultural but if she’s giving birth in the U.K. things may be different. She should have someone with her, just in case.

Dear god the comments on here, so much fretting about a man’s ‘right’, especially from women with sons. Shame on you, when your precious little soldiers push a human life out of their dick, I’m sure you can invite the whole village to watch, but in this case, it’s none of your business, and no man is entitled to be at a birth. Amazing how consent doesn’t matter when it’s THEIR son.

OP specifically said the debate over her DH not being present for the birth was not up for discussion and people just can't help themselves.

But equally in my view it shouldn't matter why the OP has said she doesn't want her husband there, her views should be respected.

I hate this attitude that the man's supposed need to see the birth of his child should in any way trump the actual mother's view, whatever her reasons for her choice are.

I can't see that this is progress, it's more like a regression, it's borderline as bad then when men positively weren't allowed in with the mother even if she wanted.

Why does society struggle so much with allowing women to do what they want with their own body?

@youmustrememberthis yes you're right there

Where do you get the idea that OP isn't in a relationship with her child's father?

Why does society struggle so much with allowing women to do what they want with their own body?

Misogyny, men matter more.

How does that mean he wants access to her body? I’m sure he’d like access to his own baby at the birth of it!! This is such a ridiculous thread, you don’t want your husband to see your baby come out a vagina? How fucking ridiculous 🤯🤯
OP knew it was ridiculous or she never would have said she didn’t want to discuss it!

But in many instances where men don’t attend the birth it isn’t actually the women’s choice, it is for cultural reasons which are based on misogynistic viewpoints. Let’s not think the cultural reason is always good for women

I know we have to have some dick pandering ‘if this was the other way around’ post on EVERY thread, but this one has got to be the most ridiculous! 😂

Do you know what consent is? Do you know what the law is? Shockingly, it doesn’t always put what a man wants first. Terrible isn’t it?

@Naunet agreed, it's misogyny however (and I know we can't take it for granted that it's women on here) i think this thread proves it seems throughout history women perpetuate misogynistic behaviour just as much as men.

I can't get over how worked up some posters are about the Op making a different choice than they would / did

@confusedaboutclothes literally think you need to calm down how are you so worked up about a woman's choice?

It's not long ago men never attended a birth and none of them died from it, so think Op's partner will cope some how.

It's a shame that some of the more recent posters are allowing their general hatred of men to cloud their opinion.
There is absolutely nothing unreasonable about a man wanting to see his child being born. It the woman doesn't want him there, that's a discussion they need to have.
I struggle to understand how anyone can be in a relationship with someone they have so little regard for that they say things like Shame on you, when your precious little soldiers push a human life out of their dick,
That is so disrespectful and if a man said anything as offensive about his partner, there would quite rightly be outrage.

Good for you OP. I regret having my dp at my first birth, it was a car crash. He was no help at all and it left him traumatised. I actually feel guilty having him there.

😂 Why is that man hating?

I’m team MIL. Think she’s completely reasonable in the question she asks.

It's obviously not his right to be in there but I would strongly suggest making sure he is in the vicinity. Sadly, giving birth in an nhs hospital is not the experience it once was and I would want my partner there keeping an eye. The mil is obviously really annoying but I'm shocked people are suggesting the op cuts her off. Bit harsh!

@Flamme I don't have that idea at all. I was replying to a different point.

Why do people always go so over the top with these threads 😂 imagine quoting the law because god forbid OP decided to let a man in her vagina and now doesn’t want him there to see what happens at the end of this pregnancy. Nobody said he’s going to be there without ‘consent’ i just think it’s absolutely and completely ridiculous. She didn’t care about him seeing her body when they made the child did she 🤷‍♀️🤦‍♀️

I would have thought that was obvious. If a man spoke about a woman in the same tone you would be OK with that, I assume?
Anyway you clearly think it's OK to speak about others in such a disrespectful way, so I am not sure there's any point in discussing it with you.

Err, when people are talking about it being HIS right, I’m pointing out that obviously, it’s not.

Look. A generation ago, in this country, no men were present.

It's a recent fashion.

Having men present isnt 'better', It's just a personal choice.

Clearly its not your personal choice but that doesn't make it 'fucking ridiculous'.