To tell MIL to stop with the comments

[mariaem]

More of an "how to do this" not AIBU

I'd rather not have my husband with me during the birth. I prefer he drops me off at the hospital or heads home when the intense contractions start, and then returns once the baby and I are cleaned up. This is just how I feel, and I'm not really up for debating it, so please let's not turn this post into a discussion of pros and cons of partners being at the birth. The question is about MIL's comments and how to address them.

So, I'm about 28 weeks pregnant, and every time I see my MIL, she just won't let up with the comments like, 'Are you still planning not to have him present?' or 'Do you think he'll regret not being there?' or 'Perhaps you'll change your mind when you feel more maternal towards the end of pregnancy' I've been trying to brush it off for the past 20 weeks with responses like, 'I don't see myself changing my mind' or 'Yeah, it's what we've decided,' but she's persistent.

My husband thinks she's just shocked and wants to express her feelings, but he's never been one to stand up to her. He's more of a 'mom's always right' kinda guy. We've talked about it, and he's cool with whatever makes me comfortable on the day, ultimately I'm the one doing the work.

How can I gently but firmly address her comments? I've tried telling her that the topic makes me uncomfortable and that we've made our decision, but she seems to ignore it.

I was really adamant that I wanted my husband to be with me when I gave birth. He has always been very squeamish and I knew at the time that he would have preferred not to have been in the room during the later stages of my labour and when our daughter was born. On reflection, I really wish I hadn't insisted and if Id had another child, I wouldn't have wanted him to be there. I found labour and giving birth horrendous and it was even more stressful having him present.

OP are you having a birthing partner at all?
Whilst it's your body etc it's definitely advisable to have someone advocating for you. In latter stages of labour with DS1 I actually couldn't speak just couldn't get words out. My DH was able to work out what I wanted/needed by what I looked at and offered it to me (it was water then cooling cloth).
A midwife doesn't stay with you at all times unless your having a water birth (dappled every 10-15 mins).

I had my DH with me and was very happy about it, but having gone through it twice now, I'd have managed without him but i couldn't have done it without my midwives and I wish my mom had been with me more than DH.

Giving birth is a very female thing and there were many times it was so reassuring to have mothers with me (my midwives had given birth). Your MIL seems to have forgotten this part - that it's the mother whose wishes are sacrosanct as she goes through one of the most primal and critical events of her life. By standing up for yourself now, you'll be starting motherhood off on a more confident note.

A birthing mother should be able to state who is and isn't present at the birth, if only because the calmer the mother, the easier the birth. Personally, I would have preferred to have been miles away, but biology ...

As for MIL's comments: repeat her words back to her, e.g. am I correct in thinking that you feel thst DH should be present?

Then hit her with: while I'm interested in your point of view, I and DH are the ones making this decision and he will not be present. There is nothing more to say on the subject. Would you like some more tea?

Then inform DH that she is never to raise the subject again. She's his mother and it's up to him to keep her in in check. You need to remember that your boundaries are for you and consequences need to happen.

Addendum
Hospitals will happily evict anyone the mother doesn't want to be there, if only for a shorter, complucation free birth, so if she tries to barge on in, tell them to set the dogs onto her.

@VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia
And I don't agree I'm entitled to my opinion, it's not all about her, though you can tell from her post everything is always about her.
At no point has this lady mentioned that her husband doesn't want to be there, her post is all me, me, me.
If he wants to be there he should not be denied the opportunity and a chance of bonding even more as a family.
I understand not wanting anyone else there, but your husband is different, he is the baby's father.
As I said if he doesn't want to be there that's different.

Also if the boot was on the other foot and men could have children and was stopping the wife from attending, there would be uproar

😂😂

No there wouldn't.

You don't need to tell her gently because she has the skin of a rhinoceros. I think it would be helpful though to have your husband at the hospital even if not actually with you.

I don't mean to scare you but something went very wrong with my c-section because the anaesthetist took a shortcut. I was very glad my husband was there because I thought I was close to death. Judging by the number of very white faced anaesthetists who sat with me afterwards for hours with alarms going off I may have been right. My husband was holding the baby and sat holding.my hand in recovery. I was so out of it I wondered why there was baby crying in the operating theatre. I wasn't in a fit state to make any decisions as my main struggle was staying conscious.

A similar thing happened when my teenage son had an anaesthetic for an appendectomy. I think as as one anaesthetist once put it, they coshed him far too hard and they were trying to get him into recovery 2 when he was largely unconscious with a morphine rash coming and going. He was going to be put in a fairly isolated room far from the nurses' station, presumably free to choke to death on his own vomit. I had no hesitation in sitting with him through the night in recovery 2. I think it is helpful to have someone to advocate for you in the hospital.

I am not suggesting your husband has to be there during labour or at the business end during labour and heaven forbid actually videoing the main event. I too wanted any photographs to wait till me and the baby were cleaned up and fully dressed.

Disgusting post.
You sound like the MIL from hell tbh.

I'm not a violent person but if it was my daughter and she didn't want her husband in with her and his MIL was speaking about my daughter like she was a piece of shit then someone would have to hold me back😂😂

She's not wrong.
She is allowed to think about me, me, me. Whatever she is most comfortable with is what is best for the baby and every single medical professional will tell you that.

I'm sure that the woman would be gutted that you were her husbands mother and babies grandmother also so the feeling would be mutual 😃

I had my mother as support person. DH fainted at the previous birth and I didn't want him there because with all the good will in the world, he wasn't much use as a support person.

I think it should very much be a matter of choice with the birthing woman having the final decision. DH was fine with not coming to the birth and arrived 5 minutes after the baby was born which was perfect.

Tell her your dh is going to be your birth partner after all. Then after you give birth, you can breezily say oh, we changed our minds when the time came. Say dh fainted!

OP should just express to the MIL that she's being a cunt every time she brings it up again then 😃

Just smile and change the subject.

Have you ever given birth? Have you experienced the NHS lately? I have no interest in alarming you but I wouldn’t want anyone I loved to be there alone. Someone needs to be ensuring you’re seen and looked after. Hours alone when you’re in labour are hard.

I would not reply next time she does it, just count to ten in silence and change the subject.

Or count out loud 😂

My only comment here is MIL has given birth in the NHS. OP hasn't. Labour can be long and lonely and I was told 35 years ago to take someone with me in case staff are too busy to spend time with you or you need an advocate.

Years ago men wernt allowed to be in the room, they just paced up and down outside then cigars all round.
I wouldnt tell Mil anything else now but I expect your DH tells her everything even if you tell him not too you have a bit of a DH problem.
Just ignore her. Cant understand how mums and Mils think they have the right to interfere so much in thier adult childrens lives.

100% this. An incredibly nasty and irrelevant post.

I could not fathom not having my husband with me.. what other utterly ridiculous demands will you have when the baby is born?! I had not the best birth.. taken to theatre.. imagine doing that on your own. I’m not surprised she’s bloody upset.

I don’t think it’s a cultural thing. I’m British & wanted my husband there in the room when I gave birth but I see that as a personal choice.

If you feel you would rather he wasn’t there and he is fine with that, then it’s none of her business. I would be expecting and asking that my husband stands up for me in this situation. He needs to tell his mother to stop with the constant comments, it is YOUR choice as a couple what you do and nothing to do with her. He should have spelt this out to her a long time ago tbh starting with Dubai.

I think actively excluding your husband from the birth is very mean. Make sure you don’t regret your decision after the time, you won’t be able to go back.
she is standing up for her son.

The thing is though, UK labour wards are generally run on the expectation that labouring women will have their husband/partner with them to help them.

In countries where fathers don’t normally attend the birth I imagine either female relatives are expected to accompany the woman instead or there is much more one to one care of the woman by medical staff.

So, judgement for the decision itself aside, I hope that the OP has arranged for someone to accompany her to give birth, to help her and advocate her. To keep her company during the long periods when there won’t be any overworked, understaffed midwives with her.

Don’t you understand though that we’re all different? There are a lot of things in life that I “could not fathom” like being vegan or liking the opera. But I can still respect other people’s choices! We’re not all the same and a pregnant woman should be able to make her own choices re the type of birth she wants.

Why are you getting so wound up?

The mother is the patient, it's her body and her choice.