To tell MIL to stop with the comments

[mariaem]

More of an "how to do this" not AIBU

I'd rather not have my husband with me during the birth. I prefer he drops me off at the hospital or heads home when the intense contractions start, and then returns once the baby and I are cleaned up. This is just how I feel, and I'm not really up for debating it, so please let's not turn this post into a discussion of pros and cons of partners being at the birth. The question is about MIL's comments and how to address them.

So, I'm about 28 weeks pregnant, and every time I see my MIL, she just won't let up with the comments like, 'Are you still planning not to have him present?' or 'Do you think he'll regret not being there?' or 'Perhaps you'll change your mind when you feel more maternal towards the end of pregnancy' I've been trying to brush it off for the past 20 weeks with responses like, 'I don't see myself changing my mind' or 'Yeah, it's what we've decided,' but she's persistent.

My husband thinks she's just shocked and wants to express her feelings, but he's never been one to stand up to her. He's more of a 'mom's always right' kinda guy. We've talked about it, and he's cool with whatever makes me comfortable on the day, ultimately I'm the one doing the work.

How can I gently but firmly address her comments? I've tried telling her that the topic makes me uncomfortable and that we've made our decision, but she seems to ignore it.

True I hadn't thought of that although my Consultant was having a day off when I had an EMCS so the senior registrar did it.

That sound a bit of a colonial west is best mindset...
but even if you're right that some women in some global countries don't have agency or choice, many in these comments are arguing for op's agency and choice to be ignored or dismissed so her husband can have his special moment (that he seems fine to miss).

I don't think that many men look at the 'baby's coming out' end do they? Most are up there with mum cuddling and telling her she's doing a great job. So they only 'see ' the baby once it's been pushed or been taken out. A matter of minutes afterwards should be fine.

ALSO as op has stated if he's been comfortable at home resting he will be MUCH more help after! So many of my friends husbands have complained to me about how bored and uncomfortable they were during labour when their wife was sleeping and they couldn't sleep on the chair etc there was no food for dads etc - they will also not be in the most supportive and helpful and emergetic state when baby arrives! Imagine being in labour and having your husband moaning about his chair being uncomfortable 🙃

Just answer any question she asks with

"We're undecided yet".

"Ds - Will you cut the cord"

"We're undecided yet"

"Are you sure you want to go to Dubai this time of year"

"We're undecided yet".

Discuss with DH how you both manage this and agree stock phrases in response you'll both use.

As long as you and DH feel able to communicate your feelings about subjects openly that's what counts.

Tell him you won't be changing your mind on any subject because his mother can't give it a rest - but you'll always have discussion with him as long as he can respect your privacy.

I would t be discussing these finer points with her anyway. I'm blunt and would just say it's none of anyone else's business and that's the end of it.

Where did it say he wanted to be there and she was banning him ?

you should have put your tin hat on OP,,you know mumsnetters would want to discuss what DH wants,,
Your mil sounds a fucking nightmare,,, Im thinking if shes badgering you now then it wont stop after youv had the baby..

Let's see how you feel if you have a DS and are the MIL in a situation like this.

Being a mother of sons, I would think as I do with any woman, her body, her choice and would tell my sons the same.

It is not right to try to shame and emotionally manipulate women for doing what is best for them. OP knows herself and can change her mind of her own accord if she chooses later but at this point, she knows she isn’t keen in having him there and that should be respected.

@Unexpectedlysinglemum I am talking about cultures where women don’t have agency, deemed dirty etc.

So if we take these cultures out of the equation is it still the case that fathers are not at most births globally

Yep, anyone at my business end was always male 🤦‍♀️

As soon as you see her say 'Hi MIL, before you ask, I have not changed my mind and I will ignore you if you ask again.' Then change the subject and carry on as normal. Repeat every time you see her.

Oh god, I'm so glad my DIL is nothing like you! She's very gentle and kind and will always talk things through.

What or who are you talking about? The OP is in a relationship with her husband. She's married to him!

And that is the way to a happy marriage.

@Jingleballs2 I had a male medic doing a James Herriot impression to remove my retained placenta 😳

Another one who can't read.

'I feel perfectly maternal, thank you, and will ask you to stop commenting on this now.

I think she’s being rude asking the same thing repeatedly. You’ve told her you plans and that should be enough. I would ask DH to have a quiet word with her and ask her to stop asking you and that you’ve both agreed this is what’s right for you. Or you could just tell her to mind her own business!!

There is no point in discussing this. The answer is instinctive. Anything or anyone that increases a labouring woman’s anxiety and stress levels must be avoided.

XH didn't really want to be there for any of the births, but I made him because, as I told him, he wasn't going to leave me doing all the hard work alone. To be honest his support was chocolate teapot level. He did hold my hand and pass me water etc at one point, but mainly I think because the midwife told him to. During the gross bits I saw him standing by the window looking out, pretending it wasn't happening. But at least he didn't faint! (He gave me marks for performance after the first one. I told him I was not interested. He didn't do it again.)

The only one he missed the birth of was DC4, because we had childcare issues and the hospital told him it would be hours yet, so he went to get some sleep with my blessing. They did call him when baby was definitely on the way and he rushed over, but missed the actual event by 6 minutes. They wrapped up the baby and "gave him to Daddy" as they put it, while they finished up with the afterbirth etc. It was instant bonding. "What a remarkable little chap," he said in a completely smitten tone. To be fair he loves all his DC, but the one he was tenderest about at first sight was the one he only met after it had been cleaned and swaddled, not the ones he had the chance (but not the stomach) to watch come out. I wonder actually whether all the medical stuff and fuss and gore distracted him from getting to know his child, because it's part of a weird alien experience, whereas being handed a baby is - "Wow! A baby! MY baby! Even more wow!" It may be the most amazing thing in a father's life to meet their child for the first time, and quite right too, but the whole watching it ooze out doesn't necessarily work for everyone.

One thing I will say, on the subject of having someone in your corner: a lot of women went into labour the night I had DC4, so the staff were really busy and had to leave me alone for a while. They gave me a buzzer and I promised to press it if I felt like pushing. This buzzer was right under my finger when I should have used it, but the thought simply didn't occur to me. Fortunately one of the midwives poked her head round the door shortly afterwards and I was able to tell her. They asked me if the buzzer wasn't working and I said "oh..." You never know how having a baby will affect you until you're in the middle of it. In hindsight I should probably have brought DSis, who categorically doesn't "do" babies, but at least we'd have had a laugh.

I'd be really interested to know more about the medical research you mention, @DifficultBloodyWoman. Not disputing what you say, but I'd never heard this before. As an Englishwoman who didn't think twice about having her husband present at the birth, I was surprised and quite derogatory (to myself) about the backwardness of medical thinking when friends in France and Greece told me their partners were forbidden to be present at the births of their children. Now I wonder if their doctors had right on their side!

Mine had a head torch and went elbows deep to see if he was facing upwards.. he was 🤦‍♀️ (after 3 hours of pushing and the midwife telling me I had a bald baby when it was actually his forehead) you can only laugh 🫣

He doesn't have a right to watch anything come out any part of her body lets just be clear on this.

I don't think you know what micromanaging is.

I would wait and see how you feel nearer the time ,you may be surprised and want him there or not.Just say you are keeping an open mind at present

I think she's probably repeatedly asking because your decision, in this time and place, is highly unusual.

You don't want to discuss it, which is your prerogative, but you've opened yourself up to it by posting here.

I think a lot of people - myself included - would be questioning why you feel this way and dare I say it, wondering if there's something wrong in your relationship with your husband.

It's not about him having a 'right' to be there - but more about why you wouldn't want to trust and rely on your husband during the birth of your child.