Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell MIL to stop with the comments

542 replies

mariaem · 16/02/2024 21:48

More of an "how to do this" not AIBU

I'd rather not have my husband with me during the birth. I prefer he drops me off at the hospital or heads home when the intense contractions start, and then returns once the baby and I are cleaned up. This is just how I feel, and I'm not really up for debating it, so please let's not turn this post into a discussion of pros and cons of partners being at the birth. The question is about MIL's comments and how to address them.

So, I'm about 28 weeks pregnant, and every time I see my MIL, she just won't let up with the comments like, 'Are you still planning not to have him present?' or 'Do you think he'll regret not being there?' or 'Perhaps you'll change your mind when you feel more maternal towards the end of pregnancy' I've been trying to brush it off for the past 20 weeks with responses like, 'I don't see myself changing my mind' or 'Yeah, it's what we've decided,' but she's persistent.

My husband thinks she's just shocked and wants to express her feelings, but he's never been one to stand up to her. He's more of a 'mom's always right' kinda guy. We've talked about it, and he's cool with whatever makes me comfortable on the day, ultimately I'm the one doing the work.

How can I gently but firmly address her comments? I've tried telling her that the topic makes me uncomfortable and that we've made our decision, but she seems to ignore it.

OP posts:
Rachie1973 · 17/02/2024 11:58

I had my DH and Mum with me for all 4 of mine and regret being so passive and allowing it. They were annoying and quite frankly I could have done without them.

The whole thread reminds me of those people that say ‘we’re pregnant, we’ve decided we don’t want pain relief, we’re breastfeeding’.

Seriously! OP should have the birth that feels best for her. In the absence of her partner posting we should assume she’s being honest and he’s ‘cool’ with it. It isn’t MILs business.

Iwasafool · 17/02/2024 12:00

minipie · 17/02/2024 11:53

On the other hand if your husband hadn't been there the midwife might have spent more time with you and things could have been sorted out sooner.
When I laboured alone (2 of my 4 births) I got so much support from the midwives

That’s a pretty risky gamble to take. What if lots of women think “oh if I go alone I’ll get more attention from the midwives” and then there simply isn’t enough midwife attention to go around?

Let's face it if we judge from this thread mothers who want to labour and deliver alone are in the minority so I can't see it being a big problem and if it is then the NHS needs to budget for more staff. Women should not be forced to have their partner there because we don't have adequate staffing levels. If something is going wrong you are probably better off having a trained midwife with you rather than a man who knows little about how to handle an emergency.

CampingWithInTent · 17/02/2024 12:00

Apologies MiL but I’ve survived X years without you having a say in my vagina and I will continue to do so. Please stop questioning my choices.

PrincessTeaSet · 17/02/2024 12:01

RosesAndHellebores · 17/02/2024 11:51

@Iwasafool but the midwife ignored a potentially serious problem twice, when she was in the room with both of us. The midwife suggested DH went to get a sandwich/drink and once he left, said she was going to get something to eat. She should not have left me alone. Once I had the epidural labour advanced very quickly - I went from barely dilated to 8cm in about 35 minutes. I recall her noting when the epidural was in that we had a long night ahead and things would be several hours.

DS2 was quick and premature and no time for an epidural. DD followed exactly the same pattern as DS1 but we were wiser then and I had insisted either on an elective caesarean or an experienced midwife. I got the latter as I had consultant led care. Even she was surprised when I went from a standing start to pushing in half an hour.

And having your partner there didn't stop the midwife leaving or improve the quality of care. Having a partner there is to provide you with moral support. It isn't going to make the medical care better or safer. In fact it probably just provides a false sense of security unless your husband is medically trained and experienced in a relevant field

Iwasafool · 17/02/2024 12:02

Rachie1973 · 17/02/2024 11:58

I had my DH and Mum with me for all 4 of mine and regret being so passive and allowing it. They were annoying and quite frankly I could have done without them.

The whole thread reminds me of those people that say ‘we’re pregnant, we’ve decided we don’t want pain relief, we’re breastfeeding’.

Seriously! OP should have the birth that feels best for her. In the absence of her partner posting we should assume she’s being honest and he’s ‘cool’ with it. It isn’t MILs business.

I had one at home, my mother was in the house. When the midwife arrived I told her that the one rule was if my mother entered the room I was leaving. She believed me and when my mother tried it she was removed. It was a very reassuring moment for me as I knew I could trust the midwife.

I sympathise with you.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 17/02/2024 12:04

Bex5490 · 16/02/2024 22:00

Your issue here is with DH.

If he’s a mums always right kinda guy then she’ll always think she can say what she likes.

Tell him it’s his responsibility to tell his mum to drop it because if he can’t stand up to her now, she’ll be a nightmare when you actually have her grandchild…

Agree.
He needs to say 'mum, we've made our decision as a family please stop asking her about it.' And then 'mum we've already told you we are not discussing this with you' then 'we're not discussing this' etc

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 17/02/2024 12:06

mariaem · 16/02/2024 22:06

@Frasers see above, this post is not a discussion of the decision or whether it's the right one to make.

See op you can be assertive and set boundaries!!! Just embrace this side of yourself and do what you did here with MIL! Xxx

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 17/02/2024 12:08

NoOrdinaryMorning · 16/02/2024 22:20

@Bex5490 Wow! Just wow.

I'll say it again IT IS HIS CHILD TOO!!!!!!!

It's only the ops private medical moment. She has every right to decide who she feels comfortable with being in the same room as her.

RosesAndHellebores · 17/02/2024 12:14

@PrincessTeaSet my point, in my previous post, was that the midwife ignored a potentially life threatening issue twice. After the second time, DH left the delivery room and demanded a Dr. That resulted in the "crash" team arriving. DS1 was in serious trouble, the midwife had overlooked it. I had an epidural so couldn't have raised the alarm. If DH hadn't been there to raise the alarm, DS1 would almost certainly have died. He nearly did.

It shouldn't be the case that midwives are poor practitioners, inexperienced or too few in number. But it is too often the case. Even nearly 30 years ago and that was a shiny, London teaching hospital where the maternity services had a very good reputation.

Herewegoagain84 · 17/02/2024 12:15

chiwwy · 16/02/2024 22:22

The woman giving birth decides who is in the delivery room. It’s not a televisual event.

Show quote history

Yes, having the father there makes it a televisual event….

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 17/02/2024 12:17

Prizefighter · 16/02/2024 22:36

YABU.

TBH I am not surprised she is shocked. Cannot imagine having a baby with someone I then didn’t want to be there when his child is born.

And she’s right about Dubai.

But yeah, everyone will tell you how right you are so probably just do what you want and tell your MIL to get stuffed along the way.

If this was my son I'd either be thinking

  • she's a different culture our way isn't the only way
  • I wonder why she doesn't want him there, is he unsupportive? Perhaps he doesn't comfort her? I hope she is ok
Unexpectedlysinglemum · 17/02/2024 12:18

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 16/02/2024 22:40

Could she be worried about you and the baby (if you're giving birth alone, not if you're taking your mum or a friend or a doula). With the state of uk hospitals, and the shortages and standard of care in childbirth in particular, sometimes you really do need someone to advocate for you and insist on various things (second opinion, pain relief, c section etc) if you know something isn't right - it's easy to be ignored if you're immobile or semi conscious etc

She might also be worried about the state of your relationship, that there is something wrong between you that you don't want your partner there to support you, or that you have to keep up a facade of perfect wife to your husband, that you cant be yourself etx. Eg you can keep him out of the birthing room but how is it going to go between you when you get home if you wet yourself / need someone to check your stitches urgently / help to go to the toilet / leak milk everywhere / collapse in an emotional heap about nothing - there is lots about having a baby, other than the birth itself, which isn't pleasant or dignified

If she's worried about those things she should be having a word with her son about how he should be supporting his wife

PrincessTeaSet · 17/02/2024 12:21

Eleganz · 17/02/2024 11:40

A birth partner can also advocate for the mother should she not be able to do so herself. Of course this can be done by anyone the woman chooses but I do hope she has someone there with her.

As is often the case with these things people are confusing the the right of women to choose whomever they want to be their birth partner (or indeed no-one) and the impact on the marriage of excluding a husband that wants to be present at the birth from doing so. It is entirely possible to act well within your rights and still being hurtful to those around you. We have the right to make these decisions, we do not have the right for them to be free of consequence.

Of course, OP insists that her DH is fully onboard so we are forced to conclude that her MIL is being a busybody. It maybe that that is not the case but we can't know.

Show quote history

So you are saying that the husband's wishes should prevail even though it's the woman who is going through the trauma of giving birth.

Your last paragraph is a little odd...the whole thing could be made up, we have no way of knowing if any of it's true. There's no point deciding that parts must be true and others made up based on your own biases. May as well not bother.

SerafinasGoose · 17/02/2024 12:22

SomeCatFromJapan · 17/02/2024 11:25

Luckily, it sounds like he’ll have somewhere to go when he sees the light and dumps you.

That's a really unpleasant thing to say, and you're wishing a broken home on a not even born yet child.

People often do say really unpleasant things to women who don't immediately capitulate to whatever a man may want. It's become a recurring, predictable theme on this site.

crumblingschools · 17/02/2024 12:22

One thing to consider if you want an all female experience is that if you require emergency intervention it will be more than likely a male consultant who will carry out the procedure.

MikeRafone · 17/02/2024 12:23

treat the comments as you would a petulant child

we will see when the time comes

maybe things will be different then

oh lets wait and see what happens

oh my goodness shall we change the subject now

stayathomer · 17/02/2024 12:26

And people wonder why the MIL gets a hard time on here.
I definitely do, people on here are so weird about mils! Someday we’ll be mils and someone will say we’re irrational and we’ve had our time etc etc! Mn can be like another universe. Though a lot of the people on this thread will definitely find it tough if they have sons reconciling what they say here with being told suddenly that their child doesn’t have rights in a lot of issues with the fact that was their mantra! I’m thinking this thread is dodge anyway: OP: here’s my very divided opinion, you may not have an opinion on it but please tell me how to tell my mil to butt out!

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 17/02/2024 12:28

Copperoliverbear · 17/02/2024 04:25

Also if the boot was on the other foot and men could have children and was stopping the wife from attending, there would be uproar

Only from mother in laws

Iwasafool · 17/02/2024 12:30

crumblingschools · 17/02/2024 12:22

One thing to consider if you want an all female experience is that if you require emergency intervention it will be more than likely a male consultant who will carry out the procedure.

Are you sure? The most recent stats I could find with a very quick google was 2013 when 47% of OBGYN Consultants were women, as the number of women qualifying as doctors has increased since then I can't see why it would be more than likely that a consultant would be male.

WannabeMum22 · 17/02/2024 12:30

NoOrdinaryMorning · 16/02/2024 22:14

@Bex5490 Absolutely I would unless he was violent or abusive. It's his child! He has every right to see him/her born. As long as he's respectful of the mother and stands well back if she wishes him to.

Birth is a personal medical event. No one has a “right” to anything and every healthcare professional will tell you so.

PrincessTeaSet · 17/02/2024 12:30

Iwasafool · 17/02/2024 12:30

Are you sure? The most recent stats I could find with a very quick google was 2013 when 47% of OBGYN Consultants were women, as the number of women qualifying as doctors has increased since then I can't see why it would be more than likely that a consultant would be male.

Show quote history

Most medics doing emergency procedures won't be consultants either so even more likely female

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 17/02/2024 12:31

BeeDavis · 17/02/2024 06:10

I could not fathom not having my husband with me.. what other utterly ridiculous demands will you have when the baby is born?! I had not the best birth.. taken to theatre.. imagine doing that on your own. I’m not surprised she’s bloody upset.

The op has never said she's alone - maybe she's bringing her sister who is a qualified midwife and her husband faints at the sight of blood? It's none of our business.

You wanted your husband there and she doesn't.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 17/02/2024 12:36

Frasers · 17/02/2024 07:03

Op, active labour can be very long, and staff won’t be with you constantly. On average it can be about 8 hours. Is your husband allowed there for none of it? Or is it just when your child is about to be born he needs to leave, ie he cannot be near the business end? Is it literally he has to drop you off and then wait for a phone call to get to meet his own child?

I mean for me, I was in there for over 24 hours then taken in for an emergency c section, my husband was with me throughout, and I’d not have been without him. I understand you don’t feel th4 same about yours.

he was there when our child was born, and was handed to us, he was holding my hand, and that’s a truly magical moment for both parents.

as much as absolutely it’s your right to not permit your husband this, many mothers are posting as they know that that bonding moment for all 3 of you, that magical moment when your child is born, is beyond special and the first stepping stone to your family journey.

howver if you wish to exclude him , then this is your right, and that’s a sadness he and those who love him will need to accept.

They'll bond as a three as soon as he comes in to meet his child. I didn't have my ex at my c section as it was MY surgery amd he had just dumped me- he is a nasty narcissist and even he didn't think he had a 'right' to be there as it's his son too- he bonded beautifully with him the next day when he came to visit and cuddle his son. Don't tell op they won't have family bonding time. Most of labour is not lovely bonding it's vomit and blood and sweat and tears and also lots of boredom. If she feels more comfortable alone or with a woman supporting her then she deserves to feel as comfortable as she can during this.
As pp has said, gloabally and historically it is NOT normal to have a husband supporting during labour

Iwasafool · 17/02/2024 12:37

stayathomer · 17/02/2024 12:26

And people wonder why the MIL gets a hard time on here.
I definitely do, people on here are so weird about mils! Someday we’ll be mils and someone will say we’re irrational and we’ve had our time etc etc! Mn can be like another universe. Though a lot of the people on this thread will definitely find it tough if they have sons reconciling what they say here with being told suddenly that their child doesn’t have rights in a lot of issues with the fact that was their mantra! I’m thinking this thread is dodge anyway: OP: here’s my very divided opinion, you may not have an opinion on it but please tell me how to tell my mil to butt out!

I have 3 sons, all with partners and children. I have never once felt the need to interfere in their choices about where they live, how they spend their money or how they choose to handle the birth of my GC. Funnily enough I have great relationships with all of them and have never had a falling out with any of them. The eldest GC is almost 20, the youngest a few weeks old.

I brought my sons up to respect other people, including their partners, they are all well educated to post grad level and I respect them and the women they have chosen to spend their lives with. The idea that I would keep telling any one of their partners who they should have with them when giving birth seems quite bizarre to me. I also don't comment on breast v bottle, mum going back to work after the baby is born, mum working fulltime or parttime or any other issue they are perfectly able to decide for themselves.

I have my own views e.g. I breast fed till they were toddlers but if they decide to bottle feed that is nothing to do with me. The only time I'd interfere is if I thought a GC was being abused or neglected.

crumblingschools · 17/02/2024 12:41

@Unexpectedlysinglemum but the reasons why historically and globally it is not normal for husbands to be supporting the mother to be during childbirth are not always down to good reasons and not necessarily a free choice for the woman