To tell MIL to stop with the comments

[mariaem]

More of an "how to do this" not AIBU

I'd rather not have my husband with me during the birth. I prefer he drops me off at the hospital or heads home when the intense contractions start, and then returns once the baby and I are cleaned up. This is just how I feel, and I'm not really up for debating it, so please let's not turn this post into a discussion of pros and cons of partners being at the birth. The question is about MIL's comments and how to address them.

So, I'm about 28 weeks pregnant, and every time I see my MIL, she just won't let up with the comments like, 'Are you still planning not to have him present?' or 'Do you think he'll regret not being there?' or 'Perhaps you'll change your mind when you feel more maternal towards the end of pregnancy' I've been trying to brush it off for the past 20 weeks with responses like, 'I don't see myself changing my mind' or 'Yeah, it's what we've decided,' but she's persistent.

My husband thinks she's just shocked and wants to express her feelings, but he's never been one to stand up to her. He's more of a 'mom's always right' kinda guy. We've talked about it, and he's cool with whatever makes me comfortable on the day, ultimately I'm the one doing the work.

How can I gently but firmly address her comments? I've tried telling her that the topic makes me uncomfortable and that we've made our decision, but she seems to ignore it.

You have made a decision for your husband. He misses out on a life changing moment due to your selfishness. I’m not surprised your Mil is making comments. Luckily, it sounds like he’ll have somewhere to go when he sees the light and dumps you.

I used to work with a guy, police officer with some years service so he'd seen some bad stuff in his time. His wife wanted him at the birth so he was there. He hated the whole thing, couldn't have sex with her afterwards and eventually they divorced.

Don't push people to do what they don't want to do because you think it is right, it won't be right for everyone.

Luckily, it sounds like he’ll have somewhere to go when he sees the light and dumps you.

That's a really unpleasant thing to say, and you're wishing a broken home on a not even born yet child.

What about the OP missing out on the birth she wants, doesn't that matter.

Your opinion - watching my daughter being born (because of circumstances) was the most traumatic thing my husband had ever been party to -and this is someone who in his job has found decomposing bodies in houses, cut people down from trees, seen awful things.

It is almost like we are all different isn't it .

Just say yeah I’ll see nearer the time and then do what you want?

WOW, there are some SERIOUSLY shitty and narrow-minded takes in this thread (a lot of "random" and "confused" people for instance). Birth plans are individual women's decisions based on all kinds of unique personal and logistical factors. By the logic some of the truly terrible opinions here, single pregnant women or women whose partners couldn't be present at birth for one reason or another wouldn't stand a chance 🙄The person giving birth should have whoever they want there to support them, whether it be their partner, family member, friend, etc, in the best interests of the mother and the baby. Women whose partners are there by mutual decision? Great. Women who find it best for them not to have partner there? Also great. The best support a partner can give to the mother and child during birth is to understand and respect the needs of the one giving said birth.

As far as practical advice goes though @mariaem maybe you could put on a concerned look if your MIL asks again and pretend to be worried about her memory? 😅something along the lines of "I did tell you this when we last spoke on (day[s]), don't you remember?" or "Is everything alright? I'm noticing you repeating yourself a lot lately, maybe you should go for a checkup?" 😇

If you can't be selfish and put your own wishes first when you are giving birth I don't know when you can.

Or, he understands and is happy to support the mother of his child in her wishes.

So instead of being so spiteful to a total stranger, maybe think the OP knows him and his opinion

For all we know, this was all discussed before she even got pregnant

It is entirely a decision for the couple and the mother's preference prevails.

Our DC are grown up. DH was with me for two of the three births (the 2nd was early, unexpected and the baby was born before he could get there). He sat by the bed, he gave me sips of water, we chatted in the boring bits. He kept well away from the business end.

In an ideal world I don't think there should be a need for the father or partner to be there. But we don't live in an ideal world and the father or partner plays a principal role as carer, soother, advocate and facilitator.

What will you do @mariaem if the midwife leaves you, the baby's heartbeat dips and you can't reach the call button. It happened to us nearly 30 years ago - DH went to get a drink, I couldn't reach. He came back, it happened again, the midwife said it was the belt and hoiked it up, it happened again and she hoiked it up again. I hadn't been that fussed about DH being there. When it happened the third time, DH strode to the door and yelled for a Dr immediately. A senior midwife appeared and hit the red button. The room filled with clinicians.

DS, in the birth canal, was being strangled by the cord. Too far out to push back up. I was given one push while the Dr got the forceps ready. I will never know how I did it, but ds was born on that push. He was purple and they had to work on him to resuscitate him. He spent the first night in SCBU and Dr's checked him frequently over the next few days. The day after the birth, the director of children's services came to see me to check I was happy with everything. Only with hindsight did that resonate. DS was fine but I never ever trusted a midwife again.

A birth partner can also advocate for the mother should she not be able to do so herself. Of course this can be done by anyone the woman chooses but I do hope she has someone there with her.

As is often the case with these things people are confusing the the right of women to choose whomever they want to be their birth partner (or indeed no-one) and the impact on the marriage of excluding a husband that wants to be present at the birth from doing so. It is entirely possible to act well within your rights and still being hurtful to those around you. We have the right to make these decisions, we do not have the right for them to be free of consequence.

Of course, OP insists that her DH is fully onboard so we are forced to conclude that her MIL is being a busybody. It maybe that that is not the case but we can't know.

Indeed. I cut one of my granddaughters cords (at her mother’s invite). The midwives clamp it and show you where to cut.

On the other hand if your husband hadn't been there the midwife might have spent more time with you and things could have been sorted out sooner.

When I laboured alone (2 of my 4 births) I got so much support from the midwives and formed a much stronger bond with them than with the births where my husband was present. My husband being present was also the two births with complications, forceps and an EMCS. Who knows how these things might have worked out if we'd done something different.

Good job you are allowed to make that choice then just like the OP can make her choice.

NoOrdinaryMorning
I find your attitude appalling. Of course the Dad doesn't have a right to be in the room during their child's birth. In most of the world and throughout history giving birth has been a female affair. In recent history men were invited into labour wards as a support to their partner, giving birth is not a spectator sport!

But is the OP making a free choice, if she has been conditioned by her culture that her husband shouldn’t be there? Is she part of a culture that deems anything to do with women’s bodily functions are dirty/unclean and she had to be cleansed before her husband can see her again

@Iwasafool but the midwife ignored a potentially serious problem twice, when she was in the room with both of us. The midwife suggested DH went to get a sandwich/drink and once he left, said she was going to get something to eat. She should not have left me alone. Once I had the epidural labour advanced very quickly - I went from barely dilated to 8cm in about 35 minutes. I recall her noting when the epidural was in that we had a long night ahead and things would be several hours.

DS2 was quick and premature and no time for an epidural. DD followed exactly the same pattern as DS1 but we were wiser then and I had insisted either on an elective caesarean or an experienced midwife. I got the latter as I had consultant led care. Even she was surprised when I went from a standing start to pushing in half an hour.

Copperoliverbear you are more worried about a man being deprived of a wonderful experience than a woman wanting autonomy over who witnesses her go through a vulnerable intimate medical procedure? You are calling op all sorts of names, she has said she's happy for the dad to come in shortly after birth that's plenty of time for bonding just as the vast majority of fathers did in the past.

I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it.

This seems to sum up much of this thread.

Both times I laboured alone I had a student midwife with me throughout if I wanted but if I wanted a quiet time they'd leave and keep popping in. The midwife came in and out but the student was there, we laughed and joked, one decided to read the agony column in a woman's magazine to me and I can tell you having a 20 year old reading that stuff out to you is absolutely hilarious. She held my hand, she pushed so hard with me that the midwife told her to stop or she'd have a prolapse. For some of us it is an experience that is enhanced by doing it with other women.

I wouldn't dream of judging someone who wants their partner there, not sure why people want to judge us for not wanting our partner there.

On the other hand if your husband hadn't been there the midwife might have spent more time with you and things could have been sorted out sooner.
When I laboured alone (2 of my 4 births) I got so much support from the midwives

That’s a pretty risky gamble to take. What if lots of women think “oh if I go alone I’ll get more attention from the midwives” and then there simply isn’t enough midwife attention to go around?

Agree with this.

If your DH is mild mannered and agreeable with everyone (and you come across the opposite) maybe she feels like she's saying out loud what your DH doesn't feel he can. I'd be that wicked MIL with my DS in the same situation, and making sure he is expressing his true feelings and that he wouldn't be alone in thinking its unfair.

Let's see how you feel if you have a DS and are the MIL in a situation like this.

Who knows, maybe the senior midwife would have given you more attention if he hadn't been there? Quite apart from that your experience isn't going to be the same for every woman any more than mine was. The important thing is you got to make a choice without judgement, unfortunately women who don't want their partner there do generally get judged as this thread shows.

Actually lots of men do duck.out of those responsibilities. It isn't linked to whether they were at the birth. It probably is linked to whether they were helpful and supportive at the birth which is a completely different thing!

And people wonder why the MIL gets a hard time on here.