To tell MIL to stop with the comments

[mariaem]

More of an "how to do this" not AIBU

I'd rather not have my husband with me during the birth. I prefer he drops me off at the hospital or heads home when the intense contractions start, and then returns once the baby and I are cleaned up. This is just how I feel, and I'm not really up for debating it, so please let's not turn this post into a discussion of pros and cons of partners being at the birth. The question is about MIL's comments and how to address them.

So, I'm about 28 weeks pregnant, and every time I see my MIL, she just won't let up with the comments like, 'Are you still planning not to have him present?' or 'Do you think he'll regret not being there?' or 'Perhaps you'll change your mind when you feel more maternal towards the end of pregnancy' I've been trying to brush it off for the past 20 weeks with responses like, 'I don't see myself changing my mind' or 'Yeah, it's what we've decided,' but she's persistent.

My husband thinks she's just shocked and wants to express her feelings, but he's never been one to stand up to her. He's more of a 'mom's always right' kinda guy. We've talked about it, and he's cool with whatever makes me comfortable on the day, ultimately I'm the one doing the work.

How can I gently but firmly address her comments? I've tried telling her that the topic makes me uncomfortable and that we've made our decision, but she seems to ignore it.

Nope

Giving birth is a medical procedure, the mother to be is in a vulnerable position, and its often traumatic for the person going through it (again, the mother to be), and she can have/not have anyone in the room that she likes, end of.

Oh fgs.

Women NEED to be heard and listened to. And not have their wishes and decisions trampled over.

If a woman is pregnant and doesn't want to be there is an outcry if someone suggests that the father should be part of the decision because 'her body, her choice'

Well this is 'her body, her choice'

Not Victorian

My BiL wasn't at the births of his children in the 60s.

And in the 50s, absolutely not.

It is relatively recent

Completely agree with this.

It's the woman's body therefore it's woman's choice and that's where it ends.

As an aside, your grandmother was unfortunately right in terms of the law until about 1991 regarding rape in marriage not being illegal.

This comment of yours speaks volumes to me at least.

Who thought he'd be more comfortable at home? Was this his suggestion or yours?

Why did you use the comment 'as long as he is comfortable and arrives fit, healthy, sober once the child is born'. Does your DH have an issue with drink or with drinking too much???

While you have a MiL issue whereby she keeps asking, she is doing it because she thinks her son, the father of the baby you two are having together, should be in the room when your baby is born. It's none of her business at the end of the day but she is trying to advocate for her son here. He probably spoke to her, son to mother, saying something.
I also think you have a DH issue here, firstly because some things (not everything) should be kept between husband and wife, and secondly, if he has an issue with his drinking, then you have a much harder conversation further down the road. I sincerely apologise if I picked up that comment from your post and I'm way wide of the mark here.

I wish you all the best in the coming weeks, months and years.

It's none of her bloody business!

@JemimaTiggywinkles

There was no such thing as rape in marriage. That crime didn’t exist. Before the 90s, if you were married then you didn’t have a legal right to say no. You could say no, your husband could have forced sex with you /and there was nothing you could do as it wasn’t a crime. So your Gran was right about it back then.

Yep, this 100% YABVU. If this was something that purely only affected your life entirely and not your DHs in such a huge way I’d be saying differently. So, you want your DH to drive you to the hospital and be at your beck and call when you decide but you are willing to deprive your husband of the best moment of his entire life? Unless you’re withholding an enormous drip feed like he’s an alcoholic, drug addict or abusive (in which case he shouldn’t be driving you anyway) you’re incredibly selfish. Your MIL may be unreasonable with her other comments but I’m for once with MIL here. You can’t dictate how your MIL should feel or the types of comments you receive on here. This is a public forum and we’re all entitled to our opinion rightly or wrongly. If you’re going to stonewall people into not putting forward their opinion when the context is important and relevant to people’s answers then Mumsnet really isn’t for you.

It wasn't a 'rule' as such.

It was a convention.

And conventions change.

Like, it's perfectly normal to eat in the street - it wasn't then. Height of bad manners

Some things were considered 'private' and birth was one of them - then the 60s arrived and everything changed.

I assume this is your first child OP?

All I would kindly say to you is things don't always go to plan and you might be grateful of your husband's support.

My first labour should have been straight forward, but I ended up being induced, was in labour for just over 24 hours, my baby's heartbeat started slowing, and I ended up having an emergency caesarean, which was terrifying and unexpected.

I got through all of this because of my wonderful husband's support, he didn't leave my side, I would have hated to be alone.

Please carefully think of all the possibilities.

Wishing you all the best....

Woman as incubator...

Just don’t tell her. No need for her to know. Your decision.

That's completely irrelevant. If the child needs surgery shortly after birth neither parent will be able to stay. The woman giving birth can't see the child being born anyway.

The purpose of the partner being there is to provide support during labour, nothing else.

He doesn’t want to be there, he’s not bothered, like many men. What’s weird and selfish is women like you trying to insist he must be.

People get through every other kind of surgical and medical procedure without their partner by their side.

In fact lots of people have their second child alone because their partner is at home with the first one!

But I don’t think we should be celebrating cultures that still follow the tradition that men should not be at birth of their child if that culture is based on misogynistic beliefs.

Are you OP's MIL?
It doesn't even have to do with women's rights. Maybe it really boils down to what the health system can afford to offer, don't you think? If there is such an emphasis on fathers' rights to be at birth, on MILs rights and grandma's rights and extended family's rights (as others Mumsnet threads show, when the future mother tries to please both her family and DH's family and doesn't dare to exclude anyone when she ”decides” who will be present at birth), perhaps NHS in fact DOES need all those fathers, MILs and grannies to do its job by assisting the woman at birth. And everyone keeps talking instead about rights or misogyny or other cultures that they don't know about, when in fact it's just about money and the NHS culture.

What a depressing thread.

All the "What about the poor menz?" posters, and the somewhat confused and incorrect use of the word "rights". Clue: when it comes to giving birth, men have NONE.

OP, you'll have to be firmer with MIL. You don't have to be patient and nice; she isn't with you.
"NOT your business" repeated as often as necessary whenever she pipes up about the subject.

Are you talking about a different situation? Because it is clear in the OP that the decision has been made by both parents and they are both happy with it . Or are you suggesting the mil's feelings should take precedence over both parents, just in case she retaliates by not helping later on.

This might sound crazy but I was taught it by a trained clinical psychologist.

I have a ex that won’t take no for an answer.

She told me to stand in a strong pose before him, put my hand up, palm facing and say “stop” in a calm voice. You can follow up with words like - I don’t want to talk about this/I’ve made my mind up etc, etc.

The strong body stance and hand conveys the message more effectively when they no longer actually listen to you. It’s like a visual aid!

Plus your husband needs to be telling her to shut up about it too.

It’s not weird whatsoever that I’ve called her selfish, what’s weird is your reaction to me giving an opinion that’s obviously supported by the majority here. Nice odd attempt to gaslight me, but no dice im afraid. The OP hasn’t said he’s a useless father, abusive, an addict so we have to assume he’s a perfectly run of the mill good husband. So with that in mind. You say he’s not bothered, that’s not what OP said - she’s said he’s cool with it. He’s respectful of the fact she doesn’t want him there because he clearly loves and values her feelings above his own. I don’t know many men that would be. You can tell by OPs tone that even if he wasn’t okay with it she wouldn’t give a flying toss. Why do people think women get the right to dictate the feelings of others just because they’re the only one physically able to carry the child. I’m sure she didn’t get pregnant by herself and every time you have sex you risk getting pregnant so by default so she should have thought about that before effectively using him as a glorified sperm donor. This wasn’t a one night stand, she’s his wife. She clearly has no respect for her husband’s emotional wellbeing or feelings. Might as well divorce him for the lack of respect she has for him. Good enough to get her pregnant and ferry her to and from the hospital when she demands AND do his part in raising his child (as he should) but not be there to see the child born. Revolting behaviour.

Presumably you've never given birth, it isn't like the opposite of sex as you seem to think

This is literally the most ridiculous post I have ever read on here!

Looking back at the history of childbirth in this country, not sure it was all about being private, surely it was more about it not being seen as important (didn't even warrant having anyone medical there just some woman in the village who only had herbs to help with any difficulties). No wonder so many women died in childbirth. Men didn't have much of a role in parenting (women's work) so didn't need to be at the birth and the mother to be didn't need anyone to advocate for her., as she was not that important.

No, sorry. This is BS. Whilst I would hope most people want their partners at the birth, he certainly doesn't have any right to be at the birth any more than he has the right to attend any other personal and invasive process surrounding the mother's body.

You are wrong: legally, medically, and by any other criteria. This is not about parental 'rights'. It's about a medical procedure and the wishes of a patient undergoing a major physical trauma who is therefore vulnerable. In this situation - if in no other circumstances as parents where both have an equal say - what OP wants takes top trumps. This isn't about the men. The baby's father can see the baby immediately after s/he is born. FWIW, my DH was with me when I gave birth but this was because it was my wish.

As far as MiL is concerned, as PPs upthread have suggested she needs to be on an immediate information diet. She doesn't need to know the circumstances of the birth: who is your birthing partner, or whether it was a vaginal birth or a CS or any other of your private medical information. If DH is divulging this you need an agreement from him that he'll stop, but nonetheless be very firm this these topics are off limits and will not be discussed by you.

Wishing you all the best and a smooth pregnancy and delivery.