To tell MIL to stop with the comments

[mariaem]

More of an "how to do this" not AIBU

I'd rather not have my husband with me during the birth. I prefer he drops me off at the hospital or heads home when the intense contractions start, and then returns once the baby and I are cleaned up. This is just how I feel, and I'm not really up for debating it, so please let's not turn this post into a discussion of pros and cons of partners being at the birth. The question is about MIL's comments and how to address them.

So, I'm about 28 weeks pregnant, and every time I see my MIL, she just won't let up with the comments like, 'Are you still planning not to have him present?' or 'Do you think he'll regret not being there?' or 'Perhaps you'll change your mind when you feel more maternal towards the end of pregnancy' I've been trying to brush it off for the past 20 weeks with responses like, 'I don't see myself changing my mind' or 'Yeah, it's what we've decided,' but she's persistent.

My husband thinks she's just shocked and wants to express her feelings, but he's never been one to stand up to her. He's more of a 'mom's always right' kinda guy. We've talked about it, and he's cool with whatever makes me comfortable on the day, ultimately I'm the one doing the work.

How can I gently but firmly address her comments? I've tried telling her that the topic makes me uncomfortable and that we've made our decision, but she seems to ignore it.

Is the fact that it's 'cultural' part of her problem?

No, because it’s not his birth. The woman and her rights don’t cease to exist. What’s selfish is to insist that he’s there even if it causes the mother to have a much worse, higher stressed experience of birth.
Ultimately it doesn’t matter if you think it should be his right, the fact is, it’s not.

So slow down.

Pauses. For. Emphasis.

Changes were made to make birth more woman centred. To give women choices.

Not because they were 'batshit' or 'unfair'.

You really need someone there. Almost everyone one of us will have a story about one of our children’s births when we needed someone to help us.
Mine was that my birth said no pain relief but I laboured a long time and the pain was just too much. I asked for pain relief and the midwife said that giving it now could slow things down, I said I wanted the pain relief. She disappeared for 25 minutes. My mum found her having a cup of tea and the nurses station area. Had to tell her to get back in the room and bring my pain relief. She was hoping I would start pushing and wouldn’t need to give me it, and she left me alone for 25 minutes. Without my mum and baby’s dad, I would have continued to be left without medical care or pain relief until someone decided to come check on me.

The state British hospitals are in, you need someone there.

I don't know where to start with this...

Does that go for every man?

How about abusers? Rapists?

Her body, her choice

I like the idea that a man ‘puts a baby inside’ a woman. Rather over egging his part there…

Going forward, you and your h need to stop telling MIL all of your plans. You know what she’s like so if you decide to do stuff that she didn’t/doesn’t like etc then you need to stop giving her ammunition. Your h is your ultimate problem here. He could at least stop her harassing you but is choosing not to do that so he’s not the target of her judgement.

Maybe she shouldn’t have gone into this then knowing she was perhaps a bit too sensitive to have her partner at the birth of their child.

Its not HER birth, its the babies and just because women by default the carrier, doesn’t mean that morally it should be taken away from him because it would make her feel uncomfortable 🤦‍♀️ But having a group of strangers in the form of midwives, potentially males, and male doctors i’m sure is fine…

Maybe don’t be with the man if his presence would make you feel uncomfortable

That’s true I’m in my 60’s and my dad wasn’t present at my birth. However in those days women went to maternity hospitals and were surrounded by midwives for the whole two weeks they were in.
Nowadays staffing in on a shoestring and you are likely to be left alone for long periods. If anything goes wrong it could be a nightmare with nobody there.

IS damaging our relationship...

@mariaem How near to her do you live, how often do you see her and what will she be like when the baby's here

Just a thought, if you're not having your husband with you, are you having your mum? If so, that could be another source of your MIL's upset (understandable that she's jealous but also unreasonable given it's your mum).

Please have someone there though. I'm a confident, quite bolshy professional woman. I had planned sections so I wasn't even in act pain. I turned weirdly timid and needed my husband to speak up for me on occasions.

I think there is a problem about focusing solely on one parent's wishes right at the start.

This is because one is incredible vulnerable and dependent after giving birth.

You need support when healing after the birth, when breastfeeding, when too exhausted to do all sorts of things, when you have to focus on the baby rather than going out there earning money,

So if you start off say, 'It might be your sperm, but actually it's all about me and what I need, not you and you are not involved', then I think it's harder to turn round in the days and weeks and months to say, 'Well this is your baby. You are the Dad. You should be doing this, that and the other.'

I'm not saying that childbirth should be about centring the father rather than the mother. The mother does come first. I'm just saying that the business of shared parenting, which involves a lot of compromise, goes on for years and it is good to start off - if at all possible - with an arrangement where everyone's feelings have been understood.

Why? He’s fine with not being there, not all men want to be, I’m not sure why you think they do?

Women don’t ‘carry’ babies by the way, they make them, why the desire to minimise what the female body does?

So now we’re comparing the man that was consensually allowed to perform an act to make a baby, with a rapist?

Don’t take it out of context to suit your argument

@confusedaboutclothes

The husband is fine with it and is happy with his wife’s boundaries. What is wrong with you? You just have a very… rapey tone.

My concern here is that OP will not receive the best medical care because there won’t be anyone there to speak for her when she is ignored, which labouring women often are. Maybe that should be your concern Alberta’s of trying to campaign to override women’s bodily autonomy.

‘rapey tone?!’

ok im out lol

It's not the same thing...

Are you a MIL yet?

There are lots of very unsuitable 'fathers' out there

Should they all be at the births?

Utter bloody tripe

(my opinion)

Are you giving birth in the UK? You will be left alone a lot of the time if so.

Also will he be nearby in case things go badly wrong?

But you are literally advocating for him to be there without her consent, and talking about it being his "right". You can't just then go "nobody's talking about doing anything without her consent".

Honestly this thread is like one long game of "misogynist or just incredibly fucking stupid"

It’s just so selfish i can’t get my head around it

You can’t get your head around it because your brain is struggling with the idea of a woman’s needs being more important than a man. It is deeply misogynistic to think that way.

It is a good thing that men are allowed in if the labouring woman would like him there. It is a good thing that women are allowed to say no to anyone seeing them naked and in distress. It is categorically not selfish to refuse to allow anyone access to your naked body.

The “she was fine with him seeing her naked to make the baby” comments, or “he’s her husband so he ought to be allowed to see her naked and in pain, even though she doesn’t want it” are absolutely sickening. They are, frankly, comments I’d expect from my gran (who thought that marriage meant you had no right to say no to sex).

No man has a right or need to watch a woman in labour. If a woman does not want him there then the discussion should end. It is simply wrong to try to bully a woman into changing her mind on this.

Like a homunculus being delivered out of the end of his penis 🤣

This is a very valid point.

@mariaem Will you have anyone with you? Because a midwife won't be there all the time.

Could he maybe be there in the early stages?

Has your midwife expressed any views as to you being alone?