To tell MIL to stop with the comments

[mariaem]

More of an "how to do this" not AIBU

I'd rather not have my husband with me during the birth. I prefer he drops me off at the hospital or heads home when the intense contractions start, and then returns once the baby and I are cleaned up. This is just how I feel, and I'm not really up for debating it, so please let's not turn this post into a discussion of pros and cons of partners being at the birth. The question is about MIL's comments and how to address them.

So, I'm about 28 weeks pregnant, and every time I see my MIL, she just won't let up with the comments like, 'Are you still planning not to have him present?' or 'Do you think he'll regret not being there?' or 'Perhaps you'll change your mind when you feel more maternal towards the end of pregnancy' I've been trying to brush it off for the past 20 weeks with responses like, 'I don't see myself changing my mind' or 'Yeah, it's what we've decided,' but she's persistent.

My husband thinks she's just shocked and wants to express her feelings, but he's never been one to stand up to her. He's more of a 'mom's always right' kinda guy. We've talked about it, and he's cool with whatever makes me comfortable on the day, ultimately I'm the one doing the work.

How can I gently but firmly address her comments? I've tried telling her that the topic makes me uncomfortable and that we've made our decision, but she seems to ignore it.

So talking about a man giving birth is hate? And I’ve heard plenty of people say things like “just because you pushed a baby out of your vagina…”, never heard anyone call it hate. You’re being dramatic. I just asked my partner of 13 years is he thinks it’s hate, he laughed.

Until he's the one pushing it out of his body he doesn't get a say in who gets to be in the delivery room.

No you are not just pointing it out. You are being quite offensive and rude. Your ability to discuss in a reasonable way risks people closing their ears to the point you are trying to make.

Yep you’re right - and then they changed that rule because they realised it was completely batshit! All the man haters on here that have also chosen to have sex with a man to create a baby together, to then say it’s ok that OP has said sorry you can’t be there to witness the birth? It’s just so selfish i can’t get my head around it

I think your best option is to very obviously change the subject whenever she mentions it.

That’s not how Mumsnet works 😂 Just like you can’t control what your MIL says, you can’t control what other users post.

If you are not going to have your DH there please hire a doula or find another birthing partner (mum, sister, friend etc). My DH saved my life during labour. My blood pressure dropped to the point my heart was close to stopping and if he hadn’t pressed the buzzer and ran out into the corridor shouting for help then DS1 and I may not have been here now.

I’m not asking you to listen, yet here you are.
But here, I’m sorry if the image of a man giving birth from his penis was too upsetting for you.

I wanted my husband there to see what women go through … have him on hand in case you want him in the room later on in the birth would be my advice.
mother in laws comments aren’t that unusual she’s just looking out for her son. Tell your husband to tell her he is going to be there now (won’t be a lie if he’s outside the room) and she’ll drop it.

Stick to your guns OP. DH wasn’t at the births of either of our DC. Meant I could concentrate on what I was doing (and if course someone had to look after youngest DC when I had the second anyway). It didn’t affect our relationship or his relationship with the children in any way.

The two of you have discussed and agreed. MIL needs to mind her own business.

You are being ridiculous.

Yes I am, because people who call women ‘man haters’ based off one flippant comment aimed AT WOMEN, are rather ridiculous themselves.

In this country at the time men didn’t attend births also coincided with the time men didn’t routinely help with childcare, that was women’s work. Men were the breadwinner and expected dinner on the table when they got home.

Women were responsible for the house and bringing up the children (they may also have had a job but it was unlikely to be as ‘important’ and certainly not as well paid as the husband’s job).

After mum had given birth, man’s job was to go and celebrate down the pub with his mates!

Men are now expected to step up as parents, quite rightly, and therefore more likely to want to be present at the birth. Obviously, it is down to the woman whether he is there. But I don’t think we should be celebrating cultures that still follow the tradition that men should not be at birth of their child if that culture is based on misogynistic beliefs

I know - and as i said in a previous comment, that rule was abolished because they realised just how unfair it was.

I'd ring her when the baby's born.

I agree with comments above. Getting in to a dialogue only feeds her belief that she is in the position of being able to persuade you.

Shouldn’t it be his right? Given that without him that baby wouldn’t have been created? Imagine taking this right away from your partner because you don’t want him to see you being his baby into the world. Again….its incredibly selfish.

Are you going to have anyone there? Or are you going it be alone? I assume you’re giving birth in Britain and there is a very high chance that you will need someone to advocate for you, to help you to the bathroom door, to bring you things you need. The staff won’t be around to do that. You’ll be checked on but you won’t have someone with you all the time until you’re pushing.

OP, I'm old, I have siblings, my DF was not at the birth of any of us, it wasn't done in those days, I can honestly say that none of us have ever felt a lack of bond with him, he is my darling father, a wonderful man.

However, I do think you will need an 'advocate' when you give birth, I'm truly not trying to frighten you but our maternity services are a mess, I ended up staying with my DD when she gave birth, this was never a plan, I expected to greet mother and baby the next day. Because of the utter chaos the ward was in my Son in Law asked me to stay. Your husband could be a wonderful support, don't make hard and fast rules at any stage, things can change very quickly, keep and open mind and play it by ear.

I've not RTF but came to say this. I hope you are going to a safe, well-staffed maternity unit and everything will be straightforward OP. I'd really think about having somebody there to advocate for you though, even if it not your DP. You only have to read the news to see how many maternity units are woefully understaffed and many are not meeting safety ratings. In that situation, you need somebody with you to fetch help, push for attention etc.

OP I support your choice. But are you going to have someone at the birth with you? Unfortunately maternal care is not always as hands on it should be due to overstretched staff, and labouring mothers can be ignored if they do not appear to be at a critical point… it is very useful to have someone there who can go and assertively find a midwife for you when you need one, ask when you will be moved to labour room, even just get you a drink or help you get to the loo etc.

Ignore me if you plan to have someone else there.

Ah cross posted with others saying the same!

we've made our decision

We or just you?

So assuming he's agreed with this and it's not a bone of contention between the two of you, why hasn't HE told his mother that it's up to you two, It's agreed and she needs to stop questioning it?

My first thought was the OPs DH has married his Mother.

And she's not comfy with her husband? The person that put the baby there 🤦‍♀️ it's not like it's a random stranger!

People are saying consent and its her choice etc. Ultimately it is of course, but what if dad decided he wasn't comfortable changing nappies or getting up in the night with the baby? That's his right yeah? But you'd all be bitching about that. What if it was a "cultural thing" that men didn't get involved with the childcare? You'd all have an issue with that too!