Being the OW - why?

[StrawberryEater]

AIBU not to understand why some women choose to be the OW? I’m not talking about those who just want sex and don’t care if the man is married, I mean the single women who knowingly enter into long term affair partnerships and particularly those who hope the man will eventually leave his wife for them.

I think so much less of men who have affairs that I cannot imagine wanting to be with someone who would do that. I’d just not respect them. And wouldn’t the former OW always wonder if he was going to cheat on her next?

I find it baffling and am genuinely interested to hear from anyone who has done it. Honestly not to flame you! I just can’t get my head round it.

Not an OW but interested in this too. Why would you saddle yourself from the outset with an unfaithful man?

Doesn’t take a huge stretch of the imagination, OP. Marriages wane, some people stay together only for financial reasons, single/married woman meets a soulmate who is also in an unhappy marriage.
Competition and self-validation. Humans are rather wired to be competitive, some more than others. For others, financial gain.
Looming mortality/ mid-life crisis.
We live much longer than our ancestors, so marriages are also very long - people change.

I guess for the same reason that women are attracted to arseholes in their various forms:

• chauvinists
• Slobs
• Abusers
• General dickheads

So many potential reasons, childhood trauma, lack of self esteem, being manipulated…

Name changed of course

i’ve been the OW. Met a man through a work conference who told me he and his wife were sort of separated / very unhappy, still lived together though. Then woo’d me and I absolutely believed that they would split up. He told me the usual things, they had kids so lots to figure out. But the time we were together was really magical, I truly thought we were something special and it was a matter of time before he’d actually leave his wife.

Then, one day, he basically ghosted me and that was that. I’ve since seen that he and his wife have had another 2 children so they can’t have been that unhappy.

its so funny, because reading it back I sound like the biggest idiot in the world but at the time, it really felt like something amazing

Its the sob stories, they think they are the only love this poor guy is getting, they are waiting to rescue him from his shitty marriage and crappy life.

Exactly, @Porageeater I am thinking about this because I was watching a series in which they are trying to build a love story between a woman and a married man and all I can think is - why does she want him to leave his wife and children? Because if he does, he’s the sort of person who leaves his wife and children and who wants a man like that? Which basically ruins the love story aspect for me.

But clearly not everyone thinks that and I’d be really interested to understand why/how that happens.

I don't get it either. I had my heartbroken in spectacular fashion (ended up in psychiatric hospital for a month afterwards) by my ex... but the OW was also with someone and knew my ex was with me.
It gets said on MN a lot that the OW owes you nothing... but being a decent human being seems to pass them by too.

Also interested in this. A single friend of mine (with her own kids) has recently been involved with a married man. It went on for some time by all accounts. She actually knew the wife, knew they had kids. I just can't imagine what possessed her.

Christ I know it can feel like good Men are thin on the ground but a married one who's up for cheating is DEFINITELY not a good one, so you might as well try your luck with the single ones.

From someone I know who has had affairs, they tell me it’s the excitement of the forbidden, the sneaking around etc, but I imagine there is a myriad of reasons

Thank you for sharing that. It sounds like he manipulated you by lying about what was happening in his marriage. But even so, did you not wonder whether a better man would have ended his marriage before seeking a new relationship? Or did he spin some sort of other line about that too?

They always have a sob story, convince the OW they're separated and sexless, that the wife is a psychobitch and the divorce proceedings are imminent.

An ego boost.

Even though he's married, I'm just so irresistible.

That's my guess.

Never been the OW but got to know a couple briefly who both cheated on their husband/wife with each other.
It became very clear they were selfish people, their own pursuit of happiness that they "deserved" was more important to them.
Some people simply don't care who gets hurt, all they care about is getting what they want. I'd say those sort of people deserve each other - it's just a shame so many lives are upended in the process

If you know he's got a wife and several young children, just why would you find a cheat to be the man you wanted to have several children with?

The person I'm blaming is the cheat. I don't know if he lied to the OW but he lied to his wife and her family. The bastard. He hurt his wife, their children and her family.

My brother in law text his teenage kids and told them he was leaving their mother. He’d been married to her for twenty years. He ran off with a woman twenty years his junior. The OW’s morals are as low as his. She didn’t care that he was married, didn’t care that he had kids. She didn’t care that she also had two very young children and was in a relationship. BIL is now playing daddy to her two kids. My husband holds the pair of them in such low esteem. They deserve each other.

Yes, I understand that. But I suppose I’m curious as to why you wouldn’t want to wait until they had really left their marriage? Because there’s a big difference between someone whose marriage has waned so they have left/divorced and someone who is willing to betray and lie to their wife. As I say, what I’m interested in is why a woman wants a man like that. Because some obviously do, and I struggle to understand it.

Because list isn't rational? Sometimes it's just hormones and sexual attraction which then leads to love.

I wonder if some people would rather have some sort of relationship than none. Would there be fewer OW if being single was not socially frowned upon?

Not all OW are single though.

I’m so sorry, @XenoBitch that sounds horrendous. I hope you are doing better now.

Thank you. After many years, and issues with trust, I am with someone new.

I think there are some people who never grow out of thinking every strong feeling has to be indulged to be authentic. So they develop a crush, or even start to fall in love, and then that feeling is the justification for whatever damage is done. I know quite a few adults who have such a passive understanding of their own choices and lives, and who are never honest with themselves about what they do to foster those feelings. I have one close friend who was the OW in an affair, and it was all very star crossed fates directing the affair, and even the guilt was some grand romantic thing, no sense of the grubbiness of it.

Sometimes you don’t know they are married? I don’t believe every OW has all the information she needs to make informed choices tbh

in relation to will they cheat again, surely this is the risk you take with any relationship? Anyone has the potential to cheat I think.

Agreed. I work in a massive office. I know two office affairs that resulted in leaving their partners, getting married and apparently still blissfully happy with kids 7/10 years later.

Well it's not really like that though is it. People don't have affairs when they are happily married. They have affairs because the marriage isn't working and they are unhappy. Most marriages end in divorce and usually both parents continue to see the children. I wouldn't expect anyone to stay in an unhappy marriage.