Being the OW - why?

[StrawberryEater]

AIBU not to understand why some women choose to be the OW? I’m not talking about those who just want sex and don’t care if the man is married, I mean the single women who knowingly enter into long term affair partnerships and particularly those who hope the man will eventually leave his wife for them.

I think so much less of men who have affairs that I cannot imagine wanting to be with someone who would do that. I’d just not respect them. And wouldn’t the former OW always wonder if he was going to cheat on her next?

I find it baffling and am genuinely interested to hear from anyone who has done it. Honestly not to flame you! I just can’t get my head round it.

In fairness, she was there first

Does that make either her or Chas not a two-faced, lying cheat?

I wonder if women are more likely to walk away when things aren’t working but men feel the need to find an alternative first? I think this can be part of it, except women have much lower standards before leaving and will put up with alot before leaving and that it's less likely for them to be able to find a partner (if older, with kids). This is why I think it seems it more often the man who walks (and the woman is often blindsighted even though the signs were there)

NC obviously
I'm the OW, and have been for 4 years
She know he has another woman but isn't fussed - he's the financial provider, she doesn't want sex (she doesn't know who I am but is very aware he is having sex elsewhere)
She told him she would rather that than him leaving or sleeping around
I'm a decade younger than both of them, and I've been the OW for 4 years

I don't want more than sex and it suits me

They were obviously 'meant to be', given they're still together now in their 70s, more than most couples

I think there’s two categories:

1. Those who fall for the fairytale - he’s unhappy but they can make him happy and live happily together ever after.
2. Those who see it as a competition to win the man and are so self absorbed they don’t care who gets hurt so as they “win”. The prize being the cheating bastard becomes theirs.

“But I don’t understaaaaaand”!!! Bollocks!

In a nutshell:

1. Dumb
2. Desperate
3. Degenerate

Not necessarily in that order.

Then seem shocked when it happens to them

There are two sides to every story

When i was young, approximately 19, I was the 'other woman'. We were all young, no marriage or kids yet, but the guy was in a fairly serious relationship for that age, he had the gf 12 months or so.

I enjoyed my time with him so much, he was charismatic, and kept telling me how bad his relationship was and he was planning to leave her, but he couldn't dump her on her birthday, couldn't do it when she had exams, always another reason. It ended with me before I think he ever broke up with that girlfriend. I am glad i learned that lesson young to never be the 'other woman' again and men in that situation will tell a multitude of lies.

That man had 2 brothers who were also serial cheaters. And although I haven't seen him in years i know he is married with kids and I wonder about that. From the pattern he established and how normalised it was for 3 brothers to behave this way I suspect he still is a cheater and his work involves travel so offers opportunity.

I think they’re always paranoid. My father was a habitual philanderer and he had numerous affairs while married to the woman he left DM for. He divorced her eventually, too. Best indicator of future behaviour is past behaviour. I think they think they’re ‘different and special’ and that they only cheated because they were so extraordinary. More often than not they’re just gullible.

Honestly I respect that.

It's not the majority of situations for sure but marriages, relationships and private lives are a lot more complex for a lot of us than we like to admit.

I've always said, and feel, that I'd rather my partner tell me if they have needs I can't meet rather than do something in secrecy and shame. Though I think arrangements like this where everyone is at least tacitly aware are closer to non-monogamy than an affair/OW.

I always wonder where they have sex if they are both in relationships. Do they book hotels or use parked cars? The hotel sounds a bit more glamorous than the back of the family motor vehicle but the cost must add up.

I have a friend who had an affair with a married man. They met through work and got on. He claimed to be unhappily married but staying for the children. They slept together the first time at a conference when they both had too much to drink. It was fairly casual at first, but from her perspective she kept seeing him because he was one of the most interesting men she’d ever “dated” and she’s pretty self sufficient so wasn’t that bothered about not having him around all the time or for special occasions and isn’t all that bothered about fidelity generally.

Once his kids had all headed off to uni he left his wife for her. They’ve been married for 20 years now.

I can't remember where I heard/read this but it made sense.

A woman who enters into affairs with married men whilst single can sometimes see the fact he's married with children as a co sign by another woman that he was "worth it" and had food qualities as a man - a worthy partner, good enough to marry and have children with.

Completely false, of course, but I can kind of see how this might be it.

Same here with a close friend of mine. Hearing about her 'grand affair' in great detail made me realise this. She just did exactly what she wanted to do at the time and actually seemed to derive some pleasure from him being unfaithful to his wife, though that was entirely his business, nothing to do with her of course.

There's a difference between serial cheaters and people who have a one-off affair, the latter are just normal people who meet someone they like at the wrong time. Yes they should break up before pursuing another relationship, but I'd say it starts off innocent. Almost anyone is capable of an affair under the right set of circumstances. I'm also not sure most people are destined to be in monogamous relationships for years and years.

I personally wouldn't do it and don't see the attraction but I get a mutual decision for one or both to have sex with other people but remain married

But cheating to me is different

I was widowed from a young age and have lost count of the married men who have come on to me. They are very insistent and twice now over the years l have had to involve the police, because of their harrasment. These men are not victims, they set out with their very own agenda. I can guarantee the wives of these two men would be the first to say "he would never cheat".

Inconveniently, I don't think I'm unusual in finding happily married men overwhelmingly attractive when I'm miserable. It is their married status and their happiness that attracts - plus an element of safety that they have something to lose somehow. A friend confided a few years ago that she doesn't have sex with her husband any more. He's a lovely man, very fit and good-looking, and their relationship seems solid. I had a terrifying crush on him for some months. Not that I ever think he would look twice at me, but his attachment to his wife was part of the appeal.

35 years ago and you’re still “emotionally connected”……..

Hi, don't mind answering at all. No I don't think he will do it again, I was married as well and I definitely won't.
I fell in love, and found him very attractive. Yes there were other circumstances at the time, and yes we were both selfish but it did all work out for the best.

I think it depends on how the split happened.

I had an ex 30 years ago who I can imagine that if we met up there would be a connection.

I moved abroad and we split because of the distance and we just drifted. We never really fell out of love iyswim but we both moved on.

That doesn’t mean that he’s someone who is on my mind, he’s not. He’s just divorced his 4th wife and his life has been chaotic,and in truth I had a lucky escape. But I think that if we were to meet again in person the chemistry could still be there. I don’t know of course, but humans are complicated beings.

I wouldn’t have an affair with him, I’m not interested in any of that and as I said, his life is bloody chaos anyway.

But it’s easy to see how people might fall into that.

I think people are often in denial about how happy their marriage / real actually is. One of my good friends was cheated on and I heard her so many times tell people what a shock it was, how they were so happy and had no reason to cheat etc - but I also heard her, more than once, call her husband a useless piece of shit in front of people and she could only have sex with him when she’d had a drink. My own ex husband told people we were happy. But we weren’t, he had a drinking problem he refused to do anything about, and we also didn’t have sex, so when men tell the OW that, it’s not always a lie! Most nights, he did sleep on the sofa and at the time that we split we hadn’t had sex for at least 3 years.

I was briefly the OW, I was unhappy and I happened to connect with someone also unhappy and in less than six weeks we’d both left our marriages and are together now 15 years later. I didn’t find the sneaking around exciting and I wouldn’t have kept it up over a sustained period. It’s not an ideal way to start a relationship but today I don’t have strong feelings about it. I think I needed something catalytic to pull me out of my awful marriage and I think a lot of marriages fall into the “too bad to stay, too good to leave category” where people just accept rumbling unhappiness.

because of my own experience, if DH cheated now, I would end the marriage immediately. I don’t think there is really any salvaging a marriage after cheating, and I wouldn’t do it, unless staying married was so important to me I was prepared to be a little unhappy forever to achieve that.