Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Being the OW - why?

254 replies

StrawberryEater · 16/02/2024 20:51

AIBU not to understand why some women choose to be the OW? I’m not talking about those who just want sex and don’t care if the man is married, I mean the single women who knowingly enter into long term affair partnerships and particularly those who hope the man will eventually leave his wife for them.

I think so much less of men who have affairs that I cannot imagine wanting to be with someone who would do that. I’d just not respect them. And wouldn’t the former OW always wonder if he was going to cheat on her next?

I find it baffling and am genuinely interested to hear from anyone who has done it. Honestly not to flame you! I just can’t get my head round it.

OP posts:
MorrisZapp · 16/02/2024 22:46

MayThe4th · 16/02/2024 22:43

Couldn’t you have posted on one of the other woman bashing OW threads?

Seriously these OW threads are getting tedious.

Yip, a cesspit of double standards and misogyny. The day anyone suggests that men get off with married women because they are insecure, deluded, a bit thick, have low self esteem or have no morals is the day I'll think otherwise.

Treeinthesky · 16/02/2024 22:49

Not the ow. But I had another man. My marriage was dead he refused to leave would not accept we were over. He was an alcoholic and hit me once ruined my holiday. I just didn't want it anymore. Had an affair and told him.after 2 month. He finally left. The issue I have is I'm still with the bloke love him to bits but he just doesn't trust me

Iamone · 16/02/2024 22:52

concretevase
They always have a sob story, convince the OW they're separated and sexless, that the wife is a psychobitch and the divorce proceedings are imminent.

Nope!

Iamone · 16/02/2024 22:52

WandaWonder · 16/02/2024 22:14

Because they want to mother them and feel like 'they are choosing me over her I win'

Nope!

MayThe4th · 16/02/2024 22:53

MorrisZapp · 16/02/2024 22:46

Yip, a cesspit of double standards and misogyny. The day anyone suggests that men get off with married women because they are insecure, deluded, a bit thick, have low self esteem or have no morals is the day I'll think otherwise.

Show quote history

Did you see yesterday’s one?

Bloody vile it was. Actually I think it’s still up there, but full of people essentially calling other women trash, cheap, thick, you name it and the insults were there. Pathetic.

Iamone · 16/02/2024 22:54

Alicewinn · 16/02/2024 22:19

They probably have commitment issues themselves, and the fact they’re choosing someone unavailable is just a reflection of their own self-worth ?

Nope. Was with my ex for 18 years

Iamone · 16/02/2024 22:56

These are all such tropes of pathetic women which is not true. People are fallible and judging others when you do t walk in their shoes is just sneering.

I'm not proud being an OW but I fit none of these categorisations. Am I flawed, yes probably. Am I a vile uncaring human being. No

MorrisZapp · 16/02/2024 23:00

MayThe4th · 16/02/2024 22:53

Did you see yesterday’s one?

Bloody vile it was. Actually I think it’s still up there, but full of people essentially calling other women trash, cheap, thick, you name it and the insults were there. Pathetic.

Show quote history

Yip, it was truly depressing. Calling women 'on heat' and 'very low quality'. Well it's worked for centuries hasn't it, devalue women for their sexual behaviour, much easier than holding men to account.

Original poster
StrawberryEater · 16/02/2024 23:00

Namechanger789 · 16/02/2024 22:02

I've been the OW for several years. He's never leaving his wife. Undoubtedly I have attachment and self esteem issues, but the relationship does actually make me happy in a lot of ways. He's older, a calm and responsible person, he treats me well, we look after each other.

Thank you for sharing. So you don’t actually want a full relationship? You’re happy as things stand?

I’m interested to see you say he treats you well. Most women wouldn’t feel that being a secret add on, rather than central, to their boyfriend’s life would be classed as being treated well. So if you are comfortable sharing, what do you mean by treats you well please?

OP posts:
Copperoliverbear · 16/02/2024 23:02

I think it's because they get to see the nice side of them most of the time, get taken out for dinner ect, don't have to put up with them for long because they have to be home, no washing ironing or tidying up after them and don't have to see them everyday.

Original poster
StrawberryEater · 16/02/2024 23:02

Iamone · 16/02/2024 21:27

I've met back up with an ex from 35 years ago. We're so emotionally connected it's hard to remove myself. I'm single so not cheating but do not relish the role of OW one bit.

As PP have said, it's complicated.

That sounds messy and hard. But don’t you feel like you are settling for something less? Doesn’t the fact that he is cheating make you think less of him?

OP posts:
asidream · 16/02/2024 23:04

Alexadarleylily · 16/02/2024 21:08

My brother in law text his teenage kids and told them he was leaving their mother. He’d been married to her for twenty years. He ran off with a woman twenty years his junior. The OW’s morals are as low as his. She didn’t care that he was married, didn’t care that he had kids. She didn’t care that she also had two very young children and was in a relationship. BIL is now playing daddy to her two kids. My husband holds the pair of them in such low esteem. They deserve each other.

@Alexadarleylily My dad did this when I was in my teens and my brother just out of uni. He rang me abruptly and left my brother an answerphone message, which I've never forgive him for. Left our mum after 28 years to an affair and she basically ended up in poverty for 12 years because of it.

I loved my dad so much and had been so close to him before that. For a while I saw him occasionally, but it just made me feel ten times worse for the way he wronged us all. He would say things like 'isn't that all done with now, why are you still bothered about it'. Haven't spoke to him in years and I don't miss it.

Don't understand what OW saw in him, but some people don't give a shit who they hurt if they can be selfish and do what they want

milkingtime · 16/02/2024 23:07

I think it basically starts from fancying someone.

people will then tell themselves all sorts of shit to justify it. I think men giving the sob story about how shit their marriage actually believe it to some extent.

let’s face it, if you compare the excitement of flirting with someone who you really fancy, with a long term relationship where your partner Isn’t laughing at your every joke, it’s going to look stale in comparison. ( even if you’re content and happy). The cheating partner then convinces themselves they are unhappy to justify being a cheat.

but often on closer inspection, they realise they just miss the thrill of sexual attraction and they do love their partners.

Iamone · 16/02/2024 23:09

@StrawberryEater I know there is likely no future as i don't think he'll ever leave.

Ultimately, for the moment it's ok. I don't really want to meet a full time partner - my work and life are too busy, don't want to do dating apps so a bit of text chat in the morning and before bed, chats whilst dog walking are actually enough.

For how long I don't know. And I know I should just shut it off. But I can't as it actually adds to my life right now rather than being a negative.

Do I wish things were different? Yes. Do I want him to leave his wife? I'm really not sure.

EBearhug · 16/02/2024 23:11

I didn't think I was worth anything more. I knew I was no threat to his marriage - I mean, I assume if his wife had found out it would have been a problem for them, but I knew he had no intention of leaving her, nor would I be a priority over het or his children or anything. But he made me laugh, seemed to want me, and no one else did. After about 3 weeks, we mutually came to the thought of, "what the fuck are we doing? This is stupid!" We stayed friends but didn't ever sleep together again.

Original poster
StrawberryEater · 16/02/2024 23:12

MayThe4th · 16/02/2024 22:43

Couldn’t you have posted on one of the other woman bashing OW threads?

Seriously these OW threads are getting tedious.

I started this because I was watching something that got me thinking and am genuinely curious. I hardly think my post or comments could be described as women bashing. In fact, my point really is that I don’t understand why women don’t think they deserve or want better for themselves.

As for posting on a similar thread - I haven’t seen one. Perhaps you read the whole of MN but I don’t. I just popped on here to ask a question. Feel free to pop off if you don’t like it and/or it’s boring you.

OP posts:
Iamone · 16/02/2024 23:12

Sorry, didn't ask the question!

Yes, I do think less of him.

I had the courage of my convictions to leave my ex when I couldn't see a future with him (he's lovely and we're still great friends and co parents)

Gowlett · 16/02/2024 23:14

I was young & stupid. The minute he mentioned leaving his wife & us having a baby, I was out of there! Being with him is the biggest regret of my life. I wasn’t the first. Or the last…

Howbizarre22 · 16/02/2024 23:16

Alicewinn · 16/02/2024 22:19

They probably have commitment issues themselves, and the fact they’re choosing someone unavailable is just a reflection of their own self-worth ?

This, or maybe not low self worth more the fact they just don’t want a full commitment themselves but want some kind of relationship at at arms length?

BobbyBiscuits · 16/02/2024 23:18

@EleanorRigby2U Yeah, sounds about right, bang on in fact. I remember now, I know a woman who always dated married men (well, at least 2, quite long term), and I think it might have been a reaction to her exH buggering off with someone much younger when their DS was small. It was kind of a keep my distance kind of thing. Also, she's a hoarder, ( so didn't want them in her home) and had a very disabled brother and mother who she cared for (in her home). So I guess it was getting the sex side without the responsibility side. She never claimed she wanted them to leave their partners.
But I couldn't handle it at all. I've never dated 'player' types long term. If anything I've got a worse 'rep' for such things then most I dated.

Original poster
StrawberryEater · 16/02/2024 23:22

Piratesue · 16/02/2024 22:37

I was, now the DW. Not proud of myself but 16 years married now and think it was the best thing all round

Do you worry that it will happen again? Or do you think that what happened with you was an aberration, and not what he is like (if that makes sense!)

But I’m curious - and don’t answer if you feel uncomfortable, of course - at the time you were the OW, did you not find the fact that he’d have an affair in any way unattractive? I think that’s at the core of this curiosity for me, that I find that sort of conduct unattractive.

OP posts:
themusingsofaninsomniac · 16/02/2024 23:23

I'm assuming low self esteem, some kind of childhood issues/trauma, personality disorder.. that type of thing

I don't think many well rounded sane individuals would put themselves in that position

Original poster
StrawberryEater · 16/02/2024 23:23

Treeinthesky · 16/02/2024 22:49

Not the ow. But I had another man. My marriage was dead he refused to leave would not accept we were over. He was an alcoholic and hit me once ruined my holiday. I just didn't want it anymore. Had an affair and told him.after 2 month. He finally left. The issue I have is I'm still with the bloke love him to bits but he just doesn't trust me

That sounds really, really, hard. Wishing you the best.

OP posts:
Original poster
StrawberryEater · 16/02/2024 23:31

Iamone · 16/02/2024 23:09

@StrawberryEater I know there is likely no future as i don't think he'll ever leave.

Ultimately, for the moment it's ok. I don't really want to meet a full time partner - my work and life are too busy, don't want to do dating apps so a bit of text chat in the morning and before bed, chats whilst dog walking are actually enough.

For how long I don't know. And I know I should just shut it off. But I can't as it actually adds to my life right now rather than being a negative.

Do I wish things were different? Yes. Do I want him to leave his wife? I'm really not sure.

Thanks for explaining that and answering my question. I hope you find a good way forward. I hope his wife does too! (I can’t help feel sorry for her, I’m afraid, but that does not mean I think you are a bad person.)

OP posts:
ViciousCurrentBun · 16/02/2024 23:32

A friend of mine is currently an OW, we have been friends for almost 40 years, since we were teens.

It has changed how I feel about her completely. I feel a vast gulf has opened up and now I just don’t trust her like I used to. she doesn’t live near me so I don’t see her often. He has spun the whole, not in love, don’t sleep together anymore stuff.