Being the OW - why?

[StrawberryEater]

AIBU not to understand why some women choose to be the OW? I’m not talking about those who just want sex and don’t care if the man is married, I mean the single women who knowingly enter into long term affair partnerships and particularly those who hope the man will eventually leave his wife for them.

I think so much less of men who have affairs that I cannot imagine wanting to be with someone who would do that. I’d just not respect them. And wouldn’t the former OW always wonder if he was going to cheat on her next?

I find it baffling and am genuinely interested to hear from anyone who has done it. Honestly not to flame you! I just can’t get my head round it.

You could easily say that the husband could have the same issues with his OW? She could go on to have an affair with another married man?

I’ve know 3 people (personally) who have had affairs. All are still with their affair partner and have gone on to have children and nobody really gives it any thought now.

Thank you for sharing that too. That’s really interesting. I wonder if women are more likely to walk away when things aren’t working but men feel the need to find an alternative first?

If you think less of him, then perhaps that, as well as how busy you are, is why you are not that keen on having him in your life full time?

Thanks for your post. I do hope that you now feel like you are worth more!

I note a fair bit of indignation abounding however if you're cheating with/on someone who doesn't deserve it, you're an arsehole. You can make all the excuses you like, but the fact remains. I've never felt inclined to cheat, if I did I'd know my marriage was finished.

I was going to suggest age/immaturity in answer to the OP's question, however I inadvertantly became involved with someone who was in a relationship when I was young and not terribly mature (in my early 20's). When I found out he had a long term gf I was furious, and I handed him his arse on a plate in front of his friends. So it can't be age/immaturity, it must just be down to individual character/standards.

Namechanged for this as I know it's immoral - I find it more fun to be with married men because they have alot more sexual energy and passion than your average unattached man, it's a rush that he's married and I enjoy the sneaking around part. They're very complimentary and treat you like a goddess because they're bored and middle aged, sometimes I catch feelings when it becomes long term so I can see why some women try to persuade them to leave.

These things aren't always black and white.

I can answer from personal experience. I've been the OW twice, although second time he actually did leave his wife and now we have two kids together (and have been happily married for 10 years).

First time, I was young and was seduced by my boss. I was naive and stupid. It was also a massive ego boost. In my head, I was thinking "wow, you'd risk everything you've built up with your wife just to be with me, I must be really special". Obviously it's not like that at all but, at the time, I thought he must have found me so irresistible. Think I also struggled with commitment back then, so it was easier to be with someone I could walk away from rather than be in a full blown relationship. I also didn't know the wife or ever see her, so I almost just pretended she didn't exist. I realise how this makes me sound but honestly, I never really thought about her. Had I ever met her, that would have been different.

She (OW ) was about to turn fifty and recently seperated .. She probably felt like she’d never meet anyone .and be happy again . then my ex h who worked with her started whimpering on her shoulder about his nasty wife .. best bit is She knew me well .. They’d been sleeping together for two years (he was ten years younger than her ) when I fell pregnant .. I wonder how he explained that one away .
We already had dcs too.. but he was giving her the ultimate trapped in an unhappy marriage story .. and she fell for it .. when I finally uncovered it when dd was two I told her she was welcome to the lying piece of crap .. and she told me if I loved him I’d let him go so he could be happy .. pass the sick bucket ..
I never forgave him but personally I think she’s the lowest of the low too .. still together years later and married to each other ..

I've never really been very good at relationships, but I think I am good at this (i don't get jealous, I am patient, flexible about fitting around his schedule etc). He is calm, kind, reliable, gentle. I've never really had anyone in my life like that before. He brings me a lot of the things i long for and i try to do the same for him (he's lonely, bored, craving connection and attention). There's no drama, we both know where we stand.

I don't think less of him, i just think.. life is messy.

Over 20 years later and still single. Fuck knows.

One of them is now the Queen lol

I've never been in this situation but I imagine either they don't know or if they do, they have been given some script that they are in a loveless, sexless marriage and are convinced they are giving them something wife can not give them. Nobody goes into it with the intention of ruining wife's life...unless they are just some bitch. I struggle with women blaming the OW when it's their husband doing the cheating.

I've known a few OWs like this. In some cases, they were full-fledged mistresses. With the latter, there is an imbalance because the man mostly sets the pace - they get pissed off if the 'mistress' cancels or is unavailable too often. But the payoff's good. They get a nice flat, nice presents, a relationship without the daily grind or family/budget obligations and, when it comes to an end, they get to keep the flat and the gifts.

In those cases, I imagine the wife must know. There's an odd kind of safety in it, I think. Nobody's trying to break up a marriage, and there's obviously enough money floating around to fund the main household and one or two small ones. If you're married to someone who won't be faithful, this is one way to keep things stable.

Other long-term OWs I've known mostly did it because they're very independent and genuinely don't want to enmesh themselves with a partner. It's really not the case that every OW hopes to get 'her' man away from his wife & family: in these cases, the OW prefers the man to stay married because she really doesn't want any bloke badgering her for more commitment.

The second-weirdest setup I've encountered was a couple I worked with. Both married to other people with children, family holidays, school events, the lot, and they'd been having an affair for over 20 years. Still are, from what I gather. They're deeply involved with one another and also with their home relationships. Looks like a lot of hassle to me, but it made them happy!

The weirdest, to me, looks like double hassle: men with two families. One of my relatives did this and, apparently, it's way more common than you'd think. With my relative, the OW had hoped she'd be The One True Love who would get him away from his wife. Eventually, however, she settled into being a semi-single parent. His wife never truly forgave him but they stayed together in what most would consider a happy, successful marriage until they died.

People do odd things 😂

Why do you assume @Namechanger789 wants full time commitment?

Its quite fascinating how you're able to ignore entirely his actual character, ie that he's deceptive, untrustworthy and his primary concern is his own pleasure. Moreso though, he is able to justify/risk hurting someone (to a likely massive extent) whilst behaving as though he's an honourable person. A man like that would give me the severe creeps! 🤢

Because some people have very low standards and they are inherently selfish. The two combined are a dangerous mix.

This. It’s not at all hard to imagine, and literature has been documenting adultery since its beginnings.

When my DH cheated, the OW knew everything about me. I think she got a kick out of thinking she's winning, better than me etc. She could have the lying POS, I wasn"t going to fight her for him. I didn't want my name even said by her, did not want to be included in their messed up narrative.

In a lot of cases there will be an initial attraction, then a friendship grows that leads to something else. Then it probably starts out a physical thing, but feelings develop. Ime anyway.

I too know lots of people like this, I think people think it's some sordid thing but I do think in many cases something was missing in the relationship to look elsewhere (except in those cases where the man is a serial cheater)

I once had a colleague who was very proud of her affairs with married men. I think she thought she was seducing them away from boring respectability with her wild-child sensuality. She was quite attractive, so I wondered why she didn’t try single men.

I think there may have been something messed-up in her childhood. There was something about her that seemed insecure.

I have a friend who has been in a few different relationships with married men. She was abused by her father and then badly in a relationship in her 20s, she's actually lucky to be alive. She doesn't want to commit or settle down and I think she likes the leverage and power it gives her. Almost as if they cannot abuse her because she is keeping their secrets.

He’d give me the creeps too. I’ve never understood why anyone wants to share their life with someone they know is dishonest and unfaithful.

Lol - She is literally the queen of the OWs!!!

My Bil had an affair with a family friend. She’d been to dinner at their house, met his very young children and was friendly with his wife. She was still perfectly happy to shag Bil. They’re together now. I hope the pair of cheating classless scumbags are deeply unhappy in their trustless relationship. I’ve seen the damage first hand that it’s done to my lovely Sil and her children. I am completely behind Sil, even though she’s not my relative and Bil is. He can get to fuck. Him and the OW.