Being the OW - why?

[StrawberryEater]

AIBU not to understand why some women choose to be the OW? I’m not talking about those who just want sex and don’t care if the man is married, I mean the single women who knowingly enter into long term affair partnerships and particularly those who hope the man will eventually leave his wife for them.

I think so much less of men who have affairs that I cannot imagine wanting to be with someone who would do that. I’d just not respect them. And wouldn’t the former OW always wonder if he was going to cheat on her next?

I find it baffling and am genuinely interested to hear from anyone who has done it. Honestly not to flame you! I just can’t get my head round it.

I think sometimes they have issues themselves. Low self esteem, commitment issues, self destructive. It's a very 'self harming' thing to do to yourself.

I’ve seen this from the side of the partner left behind and can only say that the OW seems to have no morals at all.

My friend’s ‘D’P of 17-18 years eventually left her and their two DDs for the OW, after years of stringing her along and promising nothing was happening between him and OW (who he met through work). He managed to convince my lovely friend that he was having a breakdown and she moved out of their house and into rented accommodation, only for him to move in the OW and her two children, and now he and the OW have a new baby on the way.

My friend’s life was ripped from under her feet by these two and their conniving. The really sickening thing is that they still won’t stop putting the boot in, and kept my friend from seeing her shared dog (with her exDP) when he was in his final weeks and months, and even alerted the authorities when she took their DDs away on holiday (which he’d previously given his permission for). The exP and OW seem to actively enjoy being utterly vindictive to my friend and putting the boot in when they took everything from her. I think their behaviour has been utterly disgusting.

Felt good to get that off my chest 😄🤬

Because I didn’t believe for a second he was “that kind of man”, I genuinely thought it was a one-off and he’d never do that to me because of how special we were. Blah blah blah.

sounds like a crock of shit now I realise

Lust? I don't think most affairs are rational in the sense of planning ahead and waiting etc.
I think most people could have an affair if the circumstances were right... There's no "type". I say this having plenty of life experience. When you get I was much more idealistic and black and white.

I've met back up with an ex from 35 years ago. We're so emotionally connected it's hard to remove myself. I'm single so not cheating but do not relish the role of OW one bit.

As PP have said, it's complicated.

No self esteem issues here. I own my house, have a senior job, lots of friends, hobbies. Having someone who knows ME is like a horrible drug.

We live far apart so not a physical thing at all

Totally agree with this.

A former (with good reason) friend of mine always chased attached mem and basically if they left their relationship, somehow in her head, it means that she must be "prettier" and "better".

It was some sort of fucked up, weird form of validation for her. It made her feel good and gave her confidence.

She didn't even want them. She just wanted to "win" as she saw it.

I knew her long enough to know that this is connected to a very difficult childhood and family issues and poor self esteem but it got to the stage when she hit on another life long friend's husband, while she was going through a very difficult pregnancy, that we all cut her off. She actually even said she knew he wasn't having much sex at the time.

Yes, I understand that. But I suppose I’m curious as to why you wouldn’t want to wait until they had really left their marriage?

@StrawberryEater there's just been a whole other thread on a similar topic. Men who are unhappy in their marriage don't usually just leave, particularly if kids are involved. They will be vilified for leaving their wife and kids regardless of whether OW is involved or not, and probably under pressure to go back.

Instead, they start 'dating' while still married. They won't leave until they know that OW is 'the one'. They want a new relationship and support network all set up and ready for when they leave (if they leave).

It's not fair, but not many men will leave their wife and children without having someone else lined up first. That's just not how it works.

I’m neither that young nor a particularly black and white thinker. Lust, I understand. Though I am able to control it and actually so is everyone if they choose to.

But part of my question was about how women aren’t worried the new (to her!) man won’t again fall foul of lust and cheat on her too.

That’s easy to answer. She believes, as it’s her own life, she is the exception and not the rule.

(but turns out, most are the rule and only a small few are the exception!)

From personal experience, because you believe the lies they tell you. Why? Because I honestly believe the cheating man also believes the lies he is telling. There’s a lot of dissociation on both parts. A lot of just not thinking about inconvenient truths.

Not looking to be flamed here but I can give you my perspective. I was in a really difficult relationship with the father of my children. No sex, no intimacy, fights. I got diagnosed with PTSD (unrelated to relationship) and my relationship fell apart. I was sectioned, briefly, and fell apart.

Then there was this guy. He listened to me and validated me and laughed at my jokes and cared about me. We were friends for 5 years. He had a wife and child. It was platonic and I’d beat myself up for feeling like I could fall in love with him.

Then one night he kissed me. What followed was a short-lived but intense affair. He told me he was in love. I was completely in love with him too. He told me he’d leave his wife. He didn’t. The guilt was eating me up so much that I ended it and lost the friendship too.

So that’s one experience. Did I do wrong? Definitely. Am I an evil seductress who tempted him away? I honestly don’t think so. I think I’m mostly a good person who made a mistake and did something horrible and I beat myself up about it a lot.

This is why think! I don't expect many women go into it thinking he's happily married but what the hell I'll do it anyway

Thank you for sharing that.

To be clear, I don’t think you (or indeed most OW) are “evil temptresses.” I am very much asking these questions from a point of wanting to understand more.

I've been the OW for several years. He's never leaving his wife. Undoubtedly I have attachment and self esteem issues, but the relationship does actually make me happy in a lot of ways. He's older, a calm and responsible person, he treats me well, we look after each other.

Because they really fancy the guy is the obvious starting point. That's how most relationships begin.

Yep!! This was my experience. The bullshit my ex-H told the OW was insane. I’d have almost felt sorry for her if she wasn’t so stupid to believe it!! Bless her little cotton socks 😂 do feel sorry for her fiance though who was pretty clueless and blindsided by it all poor sod

Because they want to mother them and feel like 'they are choosing me over her I win'

They probably have commitment issues themselves, and the fact they’re choosing someone unavailable is just a reflection of their own self-worth ?

Then there was this guy. He listened to me and validated me and laughed at my jokes and cared about me. We were friends for 5 years. He had a wife and child. It was platonic and I’d beat myself up for feeling like I could fall in love with him.
Meanwhile, on MN a poster starts a thread about her DH and his friend.

Didn’t know at first

We had a great time taken away a number of times lovely presents it was passionate and I didn’t want to let go I was shocked
but after a while I did it was him who fell in love not me yes he told me he wasn’t in love etc when I found out no I never believed him

he did leave he wasn’t happy

when I cheated because it there was attraction and we were infatuated thats was it nothing more than that
it’s that’s simple at times there isn’t much thought about others it is completely selfish

I don't think many people actively choose this role surely? It's due to the fact the bloke has seduced a woman into a relationship, while also being in another one. He probably put on a sobber or lied to get her initially reeled in. I doubt the OW wishes for this to be her status?
I can understand the "i'm horny, he's fit, he's into me, I didn't ask and don't care, it's only sex' kind of thing, I was a bit like that when I was younger, but only in very casual type encounters. It feels weird to have to almost be at his beck and call, Like he's all 'Oooh, the wife's gone to Starbucks, let's bang in my car, meet you in 10 at the alleyway'. Hardly ideal if that's your actual supposed partner?
I guess maybe one logical reason is they don't want to live with a man, clean, cook, be fully invested if his life falls apart etc, but do want the 'exciting, sexy' part only. It can't be a great way to think about relationships.

This. Then you start asking for more than 10 minutes in the car, cos after all you’re the one they love and they’re leaving their partner soon, just for the whole thing to crumble.

I think there are probably a lot of reasons why the ow gets into it: compatibility, lust, vulnerability, lack of self worth, lack of morals. For me, looking back, I think I was quite vulnerable. I think cheating men are all alike in the sense that they all use various lines from ‘the script’ and the basis for them is sex. I think for the ow, and women generally, it’s maybe about finding a connection with someone and that being intoxicating

I was, now the DW. Not proud of myself but 16 years married now and think it was the best thing all round

Couldn’t you have posted on one of the other woman bashing OW threads?

Seriously these OW threads are getting tedious.

How is he responsible and treating you well if he wont commit to you?

And he is certainly not either of those things to his actual wife.

What a catch.