AIBU to not want to subsidise friends’ children?

[MeanAsBeans]

A friend seems to think that only adults count per head when paying in restaurants. Her 2 are soon to be 9 and 11 and eat more than I do from the adult menu. AIBU to think that the split doesn’t only include adults?

And while we’re on the subject as Spring is getting closer we’ve been discussing trips/outings. A friend of a friend has joined us a few times and more than once has expected others to cover admission fees for her children because “They’re only children”

I don’t have children yet and I’m happy to buy the odd treat for kids l, an ice cream or sweets or similar but I draw the line at regularly covering costs.

AIBU?

I know I sound like a sop but it's genuinely difficult to negotiate and I feel for your friend. The first time one of these 20-somethings landed at Heathrow and needed collecting and orientating I wasn't long back from New Zealand where I'd met her and stayed for three days with her parents in their large house with swimming pool. So initially I thought it was a fair exchange — until it turned out that she expected to spend at least a fortnight with me and didn't plan to spend any money if she could help it. Which I sort of understood because when I was 21 and penny-pinching the senior members of the family were kind to me and would pick up the tab if we had a meal out or treat me to the theatre or a day trip. But I'd never have expected to land on them for a fortnight.

So she stayed (three weeks in the end), I took her out and about, we went to Westminster Abbey and the Tower of London and Buckingham Palace and Hampton Court (kerrching, kerrching!) and a West End show because where she lives in New Zealand she doesn't get the opportunity. And then I took her to National Trust places locally and sent her for a couple of days on the train to stay with a brilliant friend in Edinburgh who knew I was under stress (I had to pick up the cost of the train fare and send my friend money to cover the visitor's costs while she was there because I didn't want my friend ending up out of pocket)... And at the end of it all my bank balance was at least £1000 down, she's posted the pictures and one of her cousins has spotted the opportunity and is in touch to ask if they can come and stay in a few months... It's hard saying no when you've just put yourself out for one of their cousins.

I now lay down much tighter rules. They can stay for a week but no longer. I don't put myself out nearly as much. I'll try and take them out for a day or two to somewhere they'll enjoy, but I don't do the full tour guide number. I take them to the station (not easily accessible on public transport) and collect them when they get back, but I expect them to be a bit more proactive. Some of them are, some find that the UK is a bit of a culture shock after a small town in New Zealand or Canada.

But my advice to the OP is not to get into the habit of doing any of this because if you do people will expect it. It's really not an honour to be expected to pay for others' children because you don't have your own.

I don’t know. We have friends we regularly see. They’re a childless couple. They drink a lot (and this would involve expensive wine and a bottle of champagne) and tend to order the most expensive things on the menu whereas neither my husband nor I are massive boozers. We always split the bill in half and I don’t feel bad about it.

If it was one of my close friends or my SiL I was out with, I would just go halves. I have a baby who doesn't eat, but I'd be happy to subsidise for them, but tbh only if the other parent offered to go halves! Like as long as they acknowledged it!

That is absolutely nuts! What a weird friend expecting you to absorb the children’s costs, that’s not what normal people do, please trust me.

If her kids eat adult portions then she pays 3/4 of the bill! Problem solved.

Yanbu
They are being cheeky!
I'm a single parent and if go out with others I would always pay entry for me and child and any food etc.
I am therefore slightly offended when if out with sibling and family they make a point of standing v apart from us in the queue when buying drinks/snacks etc To show I am definitely not being treated to anything. Have never asked so not sure why they do it 🤷

Do you have one of those banking apps that let you request payment from a friend? I would be cheeky and calculate the difference. I would just say sorry but I have a budget for what I spend on meals out.

I had a ‘freeloader’ friend for a while, before I saw the light. We went to Euro Disney (just me, her and her 3yr old).

Nice kid, bought her lots of quite expensive presents (I’m not tight) but when the ‘friend’ ran out of money she got quite shirty with me expecting me to pay everything for both of them, like we were married or something!!! Really weird, like they were my responsibility?

My Father saw through her right from the start, telling me he’d met people like that before. “she’s just a sponger” he told me!

I’m in no position to give advice then, am I? But I would say she has one heck of a cheek, so nip it in the bud now!! Good luck X

We went out yesterday - 7 of us total. 4 from my family. We split the bill 7 ways and then we took 4 shares of that bill...plus a wee bit extra to make a nice round number.

We didn't do it by what everyone ate but this seemed quite fair.

Your friend is definitely a CF.

It's not that difficult. At restaurants and pubs, every person or party can run their own tabs. If not socially confident, order a comparitively expensive first drink or mull on an expensive starter. You're decision to have your own tab, will be readily agreed. Once you're comfortable having your own tab, just say to other people, I prefer the freedom to be as expensive or cheap as I like and not interfere with anyone else's decisions.

Always pay for my DC, this is CFness!

CFs.

Their kids, their cost, wtf.

Are these people really you're friends?

YANBU.

Just because you subsidise your friends doesn’t mean OP should subsidise her friend’s kids. Pay for your own kids, people!

Next time just pay for what you eat. Problem solved. She's rude.

Very unfair to your brother, unless it was his wish and he didn’t feel guilt tripped.

Separate bills and pay when you order, so go somewhere that's possible. You get in queue first. Or arrive very late when they have sat down.
Otherwise leave early for some reason hand over your portion plus a quid for the tip then make a quick exit. Don't even wait for the 'oh but'!
Job done, repeat as necessary.

Her kids, she pays for them.

YANBU

When my DS was primary school age we often took him on day trips to theme parks etc. Expensive days out as we all know - entrance, meals, treats, rides etc. DS often asked ‘Can Friend come?’

Friend would be sent round to our house with not a penny. Mother never offered anything. Happened loads of times. We were far too soft and hadn’t got the heart to refuse DS a companion for the day.
DS ( now 40) still in contact with Friend who has turned out to be a terrible tight arse! 🤣
DS always very careful that Friend pays his way with food, drinks etc.

I think it is absurd to expect others to pay for one's child's meal. Probably the best way around this is, when the server takes the orders, say, "Seperate checks, please."

@MeanAsBeans is the person in the restaurant the same as the person who joined you on outings? I genuinely cannot fathom why parents would expect anyone else (especially someone who isn’t even a relative!) to contribute anything towards THEIR kids? And the entry fee at outings when they are saying ‘awk they’re only kids” yeah but they are YOUR kids so YOU pay for them??? I’m baffled I’d tell the to stop being such a selfish prick & get their purse out!

Tell em you can't afford to go out to eat any more

How awful! This reminds me of dating a boyfriend many years ago who was the youngest of 4 boys. I was only in my early 20s and both our salaries were relatively low. Every time we went out with his family, we were all expected to share the bill evenly and one brother and his wife had kids. The wife would order so much for the kids - multiple smoothies, drinks, courses. Offering them seconds, thirds and far more than she would order alone with them. Ie. Talking advantage. I would have toast to try and not spend. So brunch would be 50 for my toast a black coffee. I dreaded these meals. Now I’m older, I just wouldn’t go.

this kind of behaviour is sadly always a deal breaker with me - it happens with adults on their own too- but it’s really not a conversation I’ve ever been able to have - I just avoid going out with people who behave this way. I was brought up to be generous and kind and sadly not everyone was and it hurts when you’re taken advantage of - I’ll give the benefit of the doubt a first time but prob should say something. I’m also as poor as a church mouse !