AIBU to not want to subsidise friends’ children?

[MeanAsBeans]

A friend seems to think that only adults count per head when paying in restaurants. Her 2 are soon to be 9 and 11 and eat more than I do from the adult menu. AIBU to think that the split doesn’t only include adults?

And while we’re on the subject as Spring is getting closer we’ve been discussing trips/outings. A friend of a friend has joined us a few times and more than once has expected others to cover admission fees for her children because “They’re only children”

I don’t have children yet and I’m happy to buy the odd treat for kids l, an ice cream or sweets or similar but I draw the line at regularly covering costs.

AIBU?

You need to be fussier with who you are friends, I don’t know anyone who would have the cheek to do that

But why are you still friends with them?

The absolute only time this is ok is... they eat from cheap kids menu, their parent has tap water, you have expensive wine, so it comes out even.

Otherwise, you pay for your own family group.

Agreed. She's totally nuts to have the nerve to expect it much less say it. Separate bills or don't go

They're can't really be friends like this?

Why didn’t knobhead family members warn you? The whole family sound crap.

Thank you for being super quick MNHQ in deleting the above poster 🙂

Yanbu at all

Just don't go with her if she brings her kids, say we can only meet up child free same for days out, I hate it when friends bring they're kids along, it's bloody annoying, completely changes the vibe

And I wish mnhq would delete
that name also.

WTAF? You may not have children but when you have, you will know what shameless freeloader you are paying for.

NOBODY expects other people to pay for their food or attractions when you are out. Seriously, NOBODY.

I feel your pain, OP. I think there does often seem to be an expectation that if you're single and don't have children you'll get some kind of warm and fuzzy buzz from 'treating' others' children. I was in your position 25 years ago. Now, I have to warn you, I have a grown-up version of the problem.

I have a large extended family, many of them living abroad. All the kids, once they've been to university, come to Europe for a few months and I seem to be expected to put them up for weeks at a time and take them out and about and give the full UK experience. It's cost me thousands. I think the assumption is that as I don't have children I've got money to spare. I don't. So don't be a mug like me, never agree to it if it's suggested.

Just ask for a separate bill for yourself/your family!

I have a friend who is in a similar situation to you. I asked her what would happen if you just said no. She just looked at me like I was daft. 😂

I've been out with in laws a few times in the past where weve split it despite us having DS but that's because even adding a kids meal to mine it still doesn't add up to the amount of alcohol they've had per person.

Any other situation I wouldn't expect to split and have never been out with someone who would expect this.

We pretty much always just pay for our own food and drink. I don't drink, and no, I'm not happy to pay for my friend to consume a glass or 2 of wine at £8 a glass whilst I drink tap water by choice.

She wants wine, she pays for it.

Same with kids. You wanted kids, you pay for them.

The only person I can recall doing this with was my brother who is single with no kids and often came on outings with my children. We'd pay half each - sometimes he'd offer to pay more on the grounds he didn't normally need to pay for children when he went out and had more disposable income. Now we go out just the two of us, we just divide the total bill or pay separately.

I would never expect others to pay for my child.

Next time it comes to paying, there doesnt even need to be a prior discussion, you just pay for your own and say:

"OK, so here is the money to cover my food and drink."

If they question anything afterwards, you just need to say:
"Sorry, I don't have the means at the moment to pay for your childrens meals."

They are taking advantage of the fact you havent stuck up for yourself yet.

I can't imagine why anyone would disagree tbh. It's like a single woman being expected to buy Christmas gifts for her 3 sisters/3 BILs, and 11 combined nieces and nephews (17 gifts!) But only getting 3 gifts back.

Life does NOT favour single people/people without children. And to some degree people with very few children - 1 or 2. (Especially if you know people/are related to people with lots of children.)

I had to rein in the gift buying in my extended family about 15 years ago (when mine were mid teens.) My 4 'first' cousins had 14 kids between them! My brother had 2. So SIXTEEN children to buy for. And we only had 2.

I know some might say 'well why are you buying for your cousins children?' and that's a good question, but we just did in our family.

Was OK when it was just buying cousins and there were only 4, but then all their children started to come along!

tl;dr, we put a stop to it when the cousins children started having babies! Just no! A couple of them were a bit sniffy when we said we are only buying gifts for our parents and our children now..., but IDGAF tbh!

It's like a single woman being expected to buy Christmas gifts for her 3 sisters/3 BILs, and 11 combined nieces and nephews (17 gifts!) But only getting 3 gifts back.

Ah @SweetBirdsong , you would be surprised! That is more common than you imagine and absolutely draining for the single parent.

I guess some people simply assume that if everybody spends the same, things are fair.

(Says the woman who needs to spend a fortune in flights just to see them in Christmas and then spend the whole time there trying to ignore bitchy comments about how tight I am not to agree to spend £100 per child on gifts for my siblings’ kids!

Having said that, they have never asked me to pay for meals at restaurants or the entry fees to attractions).

then spend the whole time there trying to ignore bitchy comments about how tight I am not to agree to spend £100 per child on gifts for my siblings’ kids!

Seriously?!

Is that what your siblings spend on each other’s kids?!

Oh no, they spend more, the £100 was their sweet consideration to make it “affordable to me” without disadvantaging their kids… too much 🤯

I had a friend who pulled this once - when I said “no, let’s just pay for what we ate” she did a tinkly little laugh and said, “oh I thought we’d be ok to split as you have more money than me.”

I was puzzled because she was a SAHM with a wealthy husband and I was renting at the time so money was pretty tight each month, and I said “what do you mean I do?”

She gestured to her children with an huge smile and said “well you don’t have any of these!”

Oddly enough we stopped seeing each other as much after that.

YANBU and people will do this shit. Like couples buying one round between them but everyone else having to buy them a drink each. You have to get good at saying no.

@SweetBirdsong THIS. My friends and family are all “kids only” at Xmas, so I’ve not had a gift in years and it costs me a fortune to buy for all of theirs.

It’s the same with adult celebrations - get married and have kids and you can get other people to buy you stuff, but remain single and you get nada. Except on your birthday but everyone gets that.