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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think it’s crap for the non-invited kids when party invites are handed out at school?

160 replies

GotMooMilk · 15/02/2024 21:56

Maybe overthinking as 7 year old has been really upset this eve. This morning one of the girls in her class was running around handing out party invites at drop off, about 80% of class invited from sounds of it? 3 girls not invited, DD included.
I know they can’t be invited to every party, that’s life. But just feels crap for the kids left out. All the other kids all excited, chatting about it and there just standing there awkwardly. Almost every party is organised discretely on whatsapp here so although I’m sure they talk about it it isn’t as obvious as it was this morning.

OP posts:
CammyChameleon · 16/02/2024 17:34

There's a tradition (though not all partake) in DCs' school of kids bringing in cupcakes or sweets for the class to have at the end of the day on their birthdays.

One kid in reception class brought in sweets, but only for her best friends. Cue a load of 4 and 5 year olds coming out the gate crying and a blow out row between her mum and another mum. One mum was bundled into the classroom by the teachers, the headmaster called down, and the rest of the reception classes let out the other door so they could avoid the scene.

All over some fucking Haribo FFS.

User373433 · 16/02/2024 17:37

Yes I hate it, shouldn't be allowed in schools. I know some schools don't allow it anymore. It's always a deliberate move by a wannabe queen bee parent, it takes a certain type.

Newchapterbeckons · 16/02/2024 17:41

BadCovers · 16/02/2024 17:12

Nonsense. It’s not traumatic to learn as a child that not everyone likes you, just as you don’t like everyone, and that, subject to being reasonably civil when in proximity, this is ok.

That’s the kind of thing parents should be modelling for their children, as well as healthy, enjoyable, mutually nurturing friendships, where there are. But Mn contains an unrepresentative number of posters who struggle with friendships, and see ‘cliques’ and ‘exclusions’ everywhere. They often seem to project their unresolved childhood feelings onto their children.

I disagree entirely. I have raised my children to accept they won’t like everyone, nor will everyone like them and that is fine. We will always remain civil and polite regardless of differences. It’s neither civil nor polite to invite 97% of the class and leave out a few children. It’s totally unacceptable.

This to me, and certainly in my circles, would be considered unacceptably rude and inappropriate.

The point of this thread is the very opposite of nurturing inclusivity, kindness and tolerance values. I am not sure what your actual point is.

Fortunately we haven’t had this experience, but we have seen it repeatedly over the years, and the consequences follow later as the child raised to disregard the feelings of others becomes isolated eventually, unable to form straight forward, honest, trustworthy friendships.

Parents that behave like this are setting themselves up for bigger problems later on - and I always judge parents that hurt other children - I am suitably wary of their motives and character after such a move, my first choice being total avoidance if possible, same for 99% of my friends. We are watching.

These types are generally not very nice people to have around. Behaviour like this is usually based in chronic insecurity or over indulgence. Both have negative outcomes for their offspring, and as a result not something we would look for in friends. Children need guidance to make good decisions sometimes.

EighteenBaldingStars · 16/02/2024 17:44

My dcs' school has banned sweets / cakes on birthdays! It was because they're unhealthy, because some people can't afford extra sweets for every child in the class and because some children cannot eat the sweets due to allergies / dietary restrictions.

I think what triggered the ban may have been when one (well meaning but silly) parent sent in a full share bag of cheap sweets for every child in the class. My dd came home with fake werther originals for example, but a whole big bag, like one my grandad kept in his car to have one or two of on car journeys.

Anyway, I'm glad they've stopped it. They celebrate in class instead with a song or something and no sweets. It was getting silly. So many sweets for such little children!

Edited to say this^^ is in response to @CammyChameleon. At least there were never any playground spats over sweets...AFAIK anyway!

chocomoccalocca · 16/02/2024 17:45

Ours are out in book bags not handed out so the children are often not aware until they get home which means those not invited don't know.

Eleganz · 16/02/2024 17:54

Disappointment is a fact of life. Whole class parties just end up being unsustainable as the kids want to do more than just leap about on an inflatable at the council leisure centre.

When I've asked my kids about not getting an invite for a party it usually emerges that the birthday child is someone they either don't have much to do with or in the odd case actively don't get on with anyway. Sure it can be disappointing but it is not unexpected nor done with malice.

I feel we just need to get a grip and show our children that we can act reasonably when things don't happen as we like. Banning kids from handing out party invites does not feel like showing that. We are raising a bunch of children who are not learning how to handle disappointment in a mature and controlled way.

Newgirls · 16/02/2024 17:57

Mostly parents were very thoughtful - big shared parties with everyone invited or small things with 3 or 4 invited. Worked well.

Apart from one who invited most but not all the girls then turned up at the school gates on party day with balloons etc to collect the party kids. It was so awkward and put too much focus on the kid herself too. Everyone lived locally so could easily have the kids go round later.

SemperIdem · 16/02/2024 17:59

cadburyegg · 15/02/2024 22:23

I don't get upset about these things. I am not doing parties for my kids this year but I don't have a clue of all the names of my kids' classmates, I would just invite who they want to invite. I don't have the names and numbers of every parent either, even with my y4, new kids start at the school.

Not everyone can be invited to every party and I have told my children the same.

This, all day long.

Newchapterbeckons · 16/02/2024 18:04

SemperIdem · 16/02/2024 17:59

This, all day long.

If you are so checked out of your child’s life how on earth will you be able to guide them to make good decisions about anything? That is pretty basic when it comes to parenting younger children. Your indifference sounds like a badge of honor.

W0tnow · 16/02/2024 18:08

I may not have known the names of everyone in my kids’ classes, or their parents. Nor would I have policed the invitations. But I’m self aware enough to know that you send electronic invites, or invite the entire class.

whatkatydid2014 · 16/02/2024 18:10

mathanxiety · 16/02/2024 02:07

My DCs' school had a rule that if you were throwing a party and wanted to hand out invitations in school everyone had to be invited.

I thought it was very sensible.

Well in some ways though can’t help but think it’s a bit shit for the poor kids whose parents are not on the whats app groups/don’t know the other parents who presumably then never get invited to anything as no one has a way to contact them.

I’ve always gone with invite either a few close friends or everyone but then we’ve always been able to pay for an invite everyone party if that’s the choice. If it’s inviting a few regardless of how the invites go out the kids know as they talk about what they’ve done in school.

Newchapterbeckons · 16/02/2024 18:11

W0tnow · 16/02/2024 18:08

I may not have known the names of everyone in my kids’ classes, or their parents. Nor would I have policed the invitations. But I’m self aware enough to know that you send electronic invites, or invite the entire class.

I have always known the names of the children after a while, not so much the parents. But yes most know inviting everyone but 2 is a non starter. Ditto with the invites.

We did parties for six in later years or whole class in early years in our year groups and it worked really well. No bad feelings.

fritaskeeter · 16/02/2024 18:14

Fairyliz · 15/02/2024 22:35

I agree with this.
Yes it’s heartbreaking when your child is not invited but it’s a chance for them to learn to deal with disappointment whilst they are young and you are there to support them.
Imagine being shielded from disappointment all of your childhood, how would you cope as an adult when something bad happens?

Yes I do agree with this as well really.

It's a shame for the kids not invited, but it is part of life. Hopefully they will be invited to the next one.

If it were my child I'd probably try and do something with them on the day of the party, have a treat day or something so they will at least also be having a nice day.

whatkatydid2014 · 16/02/2024 18:15

mathanxiety · 16/02/2024 02:07

My DCs' school had a rule that if you were throwing a party and wanted to hand out invitations in school everyone had to be invited.

I thought it was very sensible.

Well in some ways though can’t help but think it’s a bit shit for the poor kids whose parents are not on the whats app groups/don’t know the other parents who presumably then never get invited to anything as no one has a way to contact them.

I’ve always gone with invite either a few close friends or everyone but then we’ve always been able to pay for an invite everyone party if that’s the choice. If it’s inviting a few regardless of how the invites go out the kids know as they talk about what they’ve done in school. The Y3 kids my youngest is friends with I’d say she’s invited about 1/2 the time and it’s been like that since covid restrictions ended. They often only have 4-6 kids at a party and she’s sometimes a bit disappointed at ones she misses but it’s hardly the end of the world and no harm to realise you can’t always be top choice for everyone

fritaskeeter · 16/02/2024 18:16

Newchapterbeckons · 16/02/2024 18:04

If you are so checked out of your child’s life how on earth will you be able to guide them to make good decisions about anything? That is pretty basic when it comes to parenting younger children. Your indifference sounds like a badge of honor.

Not everyone parents in the same way or is/ can be quite as involved in their child's school life.

WafflingDreamer · 16/02/2024 18:21

It's really hard especially when so few are left out. I try to get mine to do paper invites quietly or hand them to a parent and we have a chat about not talking about parties at school as people feel sad when they are left out. We do chat about the fact that we can only have so many people at a party so not everyone can come.
My nearly 7 year old was sad on valentines day as someone she considered a close friend handed out cards saying you're a special friend to all of their group of friends except for her. It's really hard to be left out at any point in life

Newchapterbeckons · 16/02/2024 18:34

My god daughter (10/11) had an astonishing situation where her friend learnt that one of her ‘friends’ in their group was planning a birthday party on the last day of term.

The birthday girl had asked the ‘invited’ girls to keep the date free and was bragging both about the party itself and who wouldn’t be invited! As girls can be sometimes sadly. GD friend was incandescent and furious to be left out deliberately, and hurt as they had been close friends since reception - that night her mother sent out a WA invite to lots of parents, side stepping the birthday girl, to a huge garden party for everyone on the same afternoon the birthday party was planned for …Of course everyone accepted as they didn’t know about the birthday girl’s plans. Invites hadn’t been sent out yet.

So everyone went to the garden party, birthday girl was forced to abandon her party because no one was free to attend, and as far as I know spent the afternoon and evening alone. She never quite recovered her queen bee status.

It’s definitely not the case that ALL mothers (or kids for that matter) will roll over and put up with shit behaviour. Some will kick right back. I only know about this as GD didn’t know what to do, as she was invited to both.

Mothership4two · 16/02/2024 18:41

@CammyChameleon

There's a tradition (though not all partake) in DCs' school of kids bringing in cupcakes or sweets for the class to have at the end of the day on their birthdays.

This wasn't allowed at DS school from right back when they started there in 2004 due to health risks ie allergies.

Roselilly36 · 16/02/2024 18:59

I am remember this DS2, used to get so upset if he wasn’t invited. DS1 on the other hand used to hide the invites, that was equally embarrassing, when the mums, asked why we didn’t turn up. With kids you just can’t win sometimes!

Gremlins101 · 01/09/2024 15:29

sprigatito · 15/02/2024 22:28

It makes me so angry when parents do this. They're encouraging cruelty in their children, it's bizarre. DS1 is autistic and was proudly handing out invitations for his 7th birthday (whole class!) and this utter bitch of a mother marched up to him and bluntly told him he needn't bother, nobody would come, as her son was having his party on the same day and the whole class was invited apart from DS1. He was so upset he didn't speak for a few days after that.

I think all you can do is comfort DD and empathise with her, and let her know that there are better and more decent ways of treating others than this. Maybe do something nice with her on the party day.

Wow, your poor son... that's horrific!!😥

CowboyJoanna · 01/09/2024 16:17

PorpoiseWithPurpose · 16/02/2024 00:22

I’m sorry. I can’t believe a mother would march up to a young boy handing out invites and say any of this.

I unfortunately can...I know many cruel bitchy mums like this Sad

CowboyJoanna · 01/09/2024 16:18

Newchapterbeckons · 16/02/2024 18:34

My god daughter (10/11) had an astonishing situation where her friend learnt that one of her ‘friends’ in their group was planning a birthday party on the last day of term.

The birthday girl had asked the ‘invited’ girls to keep the date free and was bragging both about the party itself and who wouldn’t be invited! As girls can be sometimes sadly. GD friend was incandescent and furious to be left out deliberately, and hurt as they had been close friends since reception - that night her mother sent out a WA invite to lots of parents, side stepping the birthday girl, to a huge garden party for everyone on the same afternoon the birthday party was planned for …Of course everyone accepted as they didn’t know about the birthday girl’s plans. Invites hadn’t been sent out yet.

So everyone went to the garden party, birthday girl was forced to abandon her party because no one was free to attend, and as far as I know spent the afternoon and evening alone. She never quite recovered her queen bee status.

It’s definitely not the case that ALL mothers (or kids for that matter) will roll over and put up with shit behaviour. Some will kick right back. I only know about this as GD didn’t know what to do, as she was invited to both.

What a beautiful bit of karma Grin

Sethera · 01/09/2024 16:36

Newchapterbeckons · 16/02/2024 18:34

My god daughter (10/11) had an astonishing situation where her friend learnt that one of her ‘friends’ in their group was planning a birthday party on the last day of term.

The birthday girl had asked the ‘invited’ girls to keep the date free and was bragging both about the party itself and who wouldn’t be invited! As girls can be sometimes sadly. GD friend was incandescent and furious to be left out deliberately, and hurt as they had been close friends since reception - that night her mother sent out a WA invite to lots of parents, side stepping the birthday girl, to a huge garden party for everyone on the same afternoon the birthday party was planned for …Of course everyone accepted as they didn’t know about the birthday girl’s plans. Invites hadn’t been sent out yet.

So everyone went to the garden party, birthday girl was forced to abandon her party because no one was free to attend, and as far as I know spent the afternoon and evening alone. She never quite recovered her queen bee status.

It’s definitely not the case that ALL mothers (or kids for that matter) will roll over and put up with shit behaviour. Some will kick right back. I only know about this as GD didn’t know what to do, as she was invited to both.

Sorry, I think the mother who organised the garden party in this instance was as bad as the girl originally planning the party. Worse, in fact, as there is some excuse for a ten-year-old who can't be expected to have an adult's common sense and life-experience.

Inviting everyone bar this one girl and her parents to a 'rival' garden party was very low behaviour. Pretty unpleasant for the parents who might have had no clue their daughter was using the party they'd carefully planned for her as a mechanism for unpleasantness.

As a godmother, a trusted advisor who should promote 'godly' behaviour, you should have advised your GD to attend the original party, not become part of a cruel and spiteful 'coup' against another family.

DonkeyyDoo · 01/09/2024 16:38

I remember when DC was in yr 2 and the mother of the birthday boy gave him the invitations to hand out to the invited kids. He was handing them out like Willy Wonkas golden tickets!

It was the ‘popular’ kids that were invited. My DC and two other boys weren’t invited as they weren’t in the popular gang. My DC asked the birthday boy where his invite was and my heart broke a bit.

I understand kids have parties and they all can’t be invited but to exclude 3 out of 25 seems a bit shit. If you’re going to do that then do it discreetly. In this day and age where everyone is on FB, instagram etc she could have easily messaged the parents.

My DC has SEN and gets excluded anyway so it hit a nerve with me more. They have a lovely group of friends and they are popular amongst their group.

What made it worse was the fact the mother was ‘alternative’ at school and wasn’t one of the popular ones. She’ll know what it’s like to not be invited to things etc and fit the stereotype. I would have thought she’d have more understanding but apparently not!

I was so mad because it reinforced to my DC that he’s not as popular that I could have cried. I blocked her in FB and couldn’t look at her again! Thankfully the classes split up. It was a few years ago now and I still feel rage when I see her lol

SherlockHolmess · 01/09/2024 16:48

@sprigatito that is just horrendous. Were you there, what did you say? I agree with a PP that tbh I might have punched her! I’m very very glad your boy got his party.

DC is three and I’m reading all these stories with mounting horror. I don’t know what l do if he’s left out!

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