To have said I won’t go?

[Leaveitou]

Friend we will call ‘S’ and I often go out drinking on the weekends and having a good time out (late 20s and childless).
S asked me to go to an event they could arrange free tickets for that they knew I’d love so I said yes and we made the plans about 2 months in advance to the event.

S then informs me that their friend group (FG) from home would visit my city as they aren’t local to attend the event with us. I said absolutely no problem, more the merrier and I’ve met them previously so no issues there.

Now to the issue - event isn’t all night long so we planned to continue the night with our usual bars like always however FG requested we go to a bar that is the one place I cannot attend. I reminded S that I couldn’t go to that bar and they said how much FG really loved it last time they visited and want to go again. I said I am thinking of not going to the event then as I don’t want to go for everyone to then leave me to go to a place they know I can’t go. S thinks I’m being ridiculous to cancel the whole night and thinks it should be enough that I’m going to the event.

AIBU to not go? I won’t enjoy the event knowing that they will ditch me to be selfish arseholes and go somewhere I can’t go knowing I can’t when there are plenty of other bars. Especially stings as the original plan did not involve these people but now S thinks it’s their responsibility to play host to them and go where they want with no regard to how that’s made me feel?

It doesn't sound like it's somewhere like Buckingham Palace though. It sounds like a fairly generic bar.

This. If someone told me that they couldn't go to a bar because their ex's unwitting OW worked there and they'd promised not to enter each other's workplaces, I'd be disappointed but I'd support my friend in keeping her promise because if my friend can break a promise to OW, she can break a promise to me.

You’re creating drama here. Just go out to event and let them go on to the bar if they want. Honestly what is the problem? One night where you don’t stay out till the very end?! Or just go to the bar, you don’t have beef with this woman, she might not be work that night or have left that job, or just not care in the slightest anymore.

@Trulyme I would prioritise the friend i see every week over the ones visiting now and again. Especially if the visitors couldn't make one slight adjustment to make my close friend comfortable.

I wouldn't want you as a friend. You clearly think that "promises are like piecrust, made to be broken" when they become inconvenient.

Trust trumps a bar imo.

Either go to the bar or exit the planned outing altogether.

Don't stress; there will be other nights.
It is no big issue.
You go out a lot so just do something different. Maybe it's time to make some new friends.

You don’t know she’s definitely working that night?

IKR? So many of these replies are giving 'tell me you have no friends, and why you have no friends, without telling me...'

I wouldn't want to be friends with someone who comes out with twee little sayings like that so we are both good on that front.

However I actually said op can honour it, but it's ridiculous to expect others to, especially virtual strangers who are travelling and love that bar.

Because heartbreak is painful? Because having that heartbreak brought back to you at work is awful? Because you can't have barstaff crying whilst pouring drinks?

Remind me how we autistics are supposedly the ones lacking in empathy?

Has he agreed not to go anywhere either of the two women might be?

That doesn't stop the women from being decent.

I agree OP I wouldnt go. I would also seriously reconsider the closeness of the friendship. They have picked the one place you can't go (legitimately) for someone who has been added on to the plan.

The only way you'd be avoiding Buckingham Palace would be if the OW is HM Queen Consort, in which case you have a much bigger problem than whether to avoid Buckingham Palace.

Emotions don't have off switches, especially when there's miscarriage involved.

If my friend visited my area and wanted to go to see a specific attraction, I wouldn’t say no I want to go and see something that I want to see instead and that I can do literally any other day of the week.
I would give my out of town friend the choice to do what they want to do.

Obviously you wouldn’t do this and would do what you want to do instead, which is fine for you but I find that very selfish.

I think you are being disingenuous @Trulyme . Naturally I would take a friend to see the specific attraction (a "specific attraction" not a run of the mill pub) unless there was some reason that this place would be particularly sensitive and/or upsetting to me then I yes would refuse - I wouldn't override my own mental wellbeing just to be polite. I am amazed you would consider this selfish. But my friends wouldn't ask me to do this as they aren't knobs.

Of course OP is going to say it’s nothing special, because it’s the one she doesn’t want to go to.

So you believe everything else the OP has said but not this because it doesn't fit your narrative?

The others have said it’s special and it’s the reason why they want to go.

The OP did not say they said it was 'special'. They had a good time and want to go back, they might have a rubbish time there next time. And it's just one bar of many - I am sure S knows of other good bars in Livepool.

If I was on a night out with a group and we wanted to visit a specific place because it really was special/different and one of the group said they wouldn't go because of a genuine reason (and OP has a very valid reason) we would go elsewhere EVEN if they lived there and we didn't (and maybe be a bit disappointed) because to go despite their feelings really would be selfish.

They sound selfish.

I wouldn’t go either!

I agree with you OP. I don't know why they can't just go to another bar.

I've no idea why you are getting so many shitty responses.

I think that's really nasty of them I wouldnt go either. If part of the group on a night out said they couldn't or wouldn't go somewhere, we wouldn't go. No drama, no hassle, we'd just choose another bar.

OK I'll go with the Buckingham Palace analogy: say a few months before a friend had had a miscarriage on the BP tour, was still very emotional about it and obviously didn't want to go back there for a long while. But a group were coming to spend the day with you and this friend and were saying that BP was their 'special' place and that they must go on the tour right now even knowing the history of the friend and her feelings? Yes I would really expect the entire group to say "ok let’s do what this one friend who lives there wants to do and not go there". Not we'll go anyway and try and get her to come or just expect her to wander off on her own. That would be the height of selfishness. If they were my friends I would either knock their silly heads together (metaphorically) or tell them not to bother coming.

And BP and this "special" bar aren't going anywhere

@VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia

The only way you'd be avoiding Buckingham Palace would be if the OW is HM Queen Consort, in which case you have a much bigger problem than whether to avoid Buckingham Palace.

That really tickled me

It's a bar. I can't imagine there is anything particularly special about it unless it's the Moulin Rouge.

"I've no idea why you are getting so many shitty responses."
Because a lot of people on here appear to be shitty people who don't read the post properly or understand the issue!

What is their fixation with that particular bar? I have been to Liverpool many times and there are 100’s of excellent bars. I might see their perspective a little more if you were in the back of beyond with 2 bars. I would cut my losses at the point and make other plans

OP I hate to say it but the more you post the more it sounds like you've been Wendied.
(Wendy joins the group and has to persuade everyone to pick on someone and kick them out. Everyone goes along with it.)

I totally get your feelings. Your friends sound selfish and thoughtless. So many other bars to go in Liverpool!

@Leaveitou you are not being unreasonable at all. I would never push my friends to go somewhere that they would feel uncomfortable.

Sounds like this is all very raw and it’s completely sensible to avoid that small bar as there is a high chance of being served by her. (I live in a town that has lots of small bars so trying to avoid someone that works in one is difficult).

I would have another conversation with “S”. Tell her you categorically do not want to step foot in that bar. If she insists she and her friend group still want to go then I’d either:
A) Just go to the event beforehand and go home.
B) Not go at all. The anxiety isn’t worth the stress.