To have said I won’t go?

[Leaveitou]

Friend we will call ‘S’ and I often go out drinking on the weekends and having a good time out (late 20s and childless).
S asked me to go to an event they could arrange free tickets for that they knew I’d love so I said yes and we made the plans about 2 months in advance to the event.

S then informs me that their friend group (FG) from home would visit my city as they aren’t local to attend the event with us. I said absolutely no problem, more the merrier and I’ve met them previously so no issues there.

Now to the issue - event isn’t all night long so we planned to continue the night with our usual bars like always however FG requested we go to a bar that is the one place I cannot attend. I reminded S that I couldn’t go to that bar and they said how much FG really loved it last time they visited and want to go again. I said I am thinking of not going to the event then as I don’t want to go for everyone to then leave me to go to a place they know I can’t go. S thinks I’m being ridiculous to cancel the whole night and thinks it should be enough that I’m going to the event.

AIBU to not go? I won’t enjoy the event knowing that they will ditch me to be selfish arseholes and go somewhere I can’t go knowing I can’t when there are plenty of other bars. Especially stings as the original plan did not involve these people but now S thinks it’s their responsibility to play host to them and go where they want with no regard to how that’s made me feel?

When friends arrange a night out one person can veto a bar for any reason and good friends pick another. If someone rules out multiple bars and is very demanding then that is unreasonable but most friends would allow somone to say no to a particular place when there are plenty of others to choose from.

The OP may find at some stage avoiding this bar serves bo purpose but right now she wants to avoid and not unreasonable. Decent people never mind friends would accommodate rather than saying she should hust go home after.

😂

Why should the entire group change their plans to suit OP

They didn't, S changed the original plan @Trulyme and they tagged onto it. I would find the fact that they want to go to this particular bar, which OP has said isn't anything special, highly suspect. Either they don't like OP or they want a bit of drama. Shame S can't or won't support her friend.

You're one of those I was talking about.

This is nothing to do with " letting men rule your life". OP's friend is the cause of this and if she'll dump on a long term friend so readily, I'd step away from her altogether. Perfectly fine if the friend wants to go to this bar with the out of towners, then do so under a separate arrangement, another time and don't get OP caught up in it.

TBH it doesn't even matter what the reason is that OP wants to stay away from that particular bar, her friend agreed to one thing then went back on it. Makes me think her friend is desperate to be popular, especially with all the free ticket stuff, and the number of "likes" are more important that real people.

I wouldn't accept being treated so shittily by a "friend" in my 40s, never mind my 20s.

I agree with this and many other posters saying similar.

I had friends like that in my 20s, people who would be insensitive, disrespectful and quite cruel by doing things like inviting their friends abusive ex to parties and then drop it on their friend last minute that “ X is coming” etc. They are probably the sort of people on this thread justifying S’s actions.

It’s a bit of a spiteful power move and they’re telling you where they feel you belong in the pecking order and that they don’t respect your boundaries or care about your pain.

I used to live in Liverpool and yes of course there are SO many other places they could go. Your friend is the one who changed the plans you’d made and she is expecting you to just suck it up or go home?

nah, I’d definitely pull out of the whole event and call time on this friendship. It doesn’t sound like they really want you there.

As they say go where you are celebrated not where you are merely tolerated.

Yes because friends are coming from out of town.

Her and OP can and do go out on the other weekends and go to whatever bars OP wants to go to.

Why should OP get to decide where they all go/don’t go.

Perhaps there are reasons they don’t want to go to the other bars or as OP has actually said that they really enjoyed this one and therefore want to visit it again when they visit the area.

The person who goes out almost every weekend in that area shouldn’t get to decide where the rest of the group go, especially when they’re not from the area.

The friends from out of town trump OPs choices and OP can choose to go with them or not.

S can’t ever go to this bar with OP and it sounds like she’s very supportive and never asks OP to go there usually but her other friends are in town and she wants to be supportive of them and why should she not go and have fun at this one bar with them.
She’s her own person and shouldn’t need to only do what OP wants to do.

Then go to the event and go home stompy feet. It's not the end of the world if you can't go and get wasted for one evening.

I think you should still go to the event. Your friend got a free ticket for you, for something you said you would love. Arrange to meet a different friend after and go for drinks if you want to stay out after the event finishes.

Easy enough to go to a bar you do like first and then they go to that one after/last.

If you want to go to the event go - then go and meet other friends somewhere else afterwards . Have other plans and then there is no drama . Do though remember that this friend / group behaved in this way . If you’re not that fussed about the event then don’t go - again remember how this friend / group behaved .

I can understand why you might want to steer clear of that bar too . Why invite unnecessary drama .

If you’re out in a group and someone has said any bar but this one, you go somewhere else. There is no shortage of options. This is not difficult. Even if my friend was barred from somewhere for glassing someone, if I was still friendly enough with them to go out with them to an event, I would not arrange to go to the place they are barred from. It’s basic manners; only a complete twat would insist on going to this bar and in fact it smacks of schoolyard bullying to exclude a member of the group in this way.

Yep. I'd say this too.
Your friend is bang out of order here. She initially invited just you. Absolutely fine to also invite FG but as soon as they mentioned the specific bar, she should have either said that wouldn't be possible as a group and either choose a different bar or she goes with you to a different bar and leave them to do their own thing after the event.
I'd stay in too.

The friends from out of town trump OPs choices

Why? Who made up that rule? I think you make a plan you stick to it (not a rule either). The only reason they 'trump' her choice is because they are going to ignore her and go anyway, which is mean IMO. And I am cynical why this one bar is sooo special - when OP has said it isnt at all. I am sure they have enjoyed themselves in other bars too and I'm sure S can go with other friends if she loves this one so much but is depriving herself! You can make out that this is some dream experience, when you know it really isn't @Trulyme. I've just Googled Liverpool City Centre and they have 232 pubs/bars but the FG want to go to the only one that will cause an upset? Hmm

Like I said upthread I wouldn't do this to an acquaintance let alone a friend.

Not really. It’s quite an immature position to take and I’d not defend it either way round.

I think it's wrong that plans have changed from the original with new people coming and the rest of the evening is skewed towards their wants than the OP who was originally invited.

If they're visiting for more than one night they can go to the bar on another day.

And I'm sure there's plenty of other ones they'd enjoy

Go to the event you'll enjoy it ( perhaps you can lose them in the crowd 😆) and either arrange to meet another friend after for drinks or ditch them and go home, the only person who should feel crap is your friend and it maybe on the night they don't even end up at this specific bar.
I don't blame you for being annoyed with your friend, it sounds like she is bending over backwards to suit FG and as could easily have sold them another cool bar to try instead.

It's nice that you arranged to avoid each other at that bar and only a few months can understand it may still be a bit raw. Though really it sounds like ex was the cheating scumbag and neither of you deserve to feel awkward about it or need to avoid each other.

Read the posts. OP and the unwitting OW agreed that OP would stay out of OW's workplace.

I'm horrified at the number of people on this thread who are telling OP to break her promise because it's now inconvenient to a third party. I know that MN hates even unwitting OWs but this is a new low.

I get mocked and called "paranoid" for not trusting people and you've all just proved why I'm right not to!

@Leaveitou You are decent and honourable in respecting the OW's boundaries in her workplace and in keeping the promise you made. I think it's worth asking OW via text if she still works there because if she's left it becomes a non-issue. Otherwise, you are right to keep your promise.

Why should the entire group change their plans to suit OP.

I know without a shadow of doubt that my friends would never put me in this position. Not one of them would pick a bar over me. Nor would I do that to them.

If your friends would, I’m sorry for you. Set your bar (no pun intended!) higher.

if you wouldn’t do this for your friends, expect that level of disregard to be revisited on you in spades.

Of course OP is going to say it’s nothing special, because it’s the one she doesn’t want to go to.

The others have said it’s special and it’s the reason why they want to go.

The unwritten rule is that if you have guests come from out of town, their choices trump yours when it comes to things like this.

If my friend visited my area and wanted to go to see a specific attraction, I wouldn’t say no I want to go and see something that I want to see instead and that I can do literally any other day of the week.
I would give my out of town friend the choice to do what they want to do.

Obviously you wouldn’t do this and would do what you want to do instead, which is fine for you but I find that very selfish.

If OP doesn’t want to go to this one bar then that’s fine.
But she shouldn’t expect the others to not go either.

I did read the posts, thanks.

Op can honour that for the rest of her life if she likes, but its ridiculous to expect other people to honour that, quite frankly, bizarre agreement, and it's ridiculous to make them out to be selfish for not abiding by it as well.

I wouldn't want be travelling to see someone, want to go to my favourite bar in that area, only to be told I couldn't go to that bar because my friends friend made an agreement to never let someone her ex cheated with see her face again.

And @Trulyme if your friend would demand you go to a bar where you would feel uncomfortable for any reason, especially when there are literally a hundred others to choose from, you should probably reassess your friendship.

You have a lot of integrity, OP. If I were your friend I'd respect and value you for this, as these are the kinds of qualities that would make me want to be friends with someone in the first place.

Why the compelling need to visit this bar specifically? Friendship Group are the ones being rigid and inflexible here. There are legions of bars; no need at all to stick to the one option they know you don't visit.

YANBU at all to stick to your commitment of staying out of this woman's workplace. This is a small thing to ask. To suggest that you renege and visit the bar anyway shows a pretty poor code of ethics. You clearly don't share it - nor would I - if you make an agreement of this nature then you honour it.

I wouldn't go, either.

So if you were visiting a certain area and you and the rest of your group really wanted to go and see one place (e.g Buckingham palace) but one person who lives in London says that they don’t want to see Buckingham palace and want to go and do the other things that they do every weekend.

You would really expect the entire group to say ok let’s do what this one friend who lives there wants to do and not see Buckingham palace at all?

I personally find that very selfish.

I would always try and accommodate my guests who live out of town, over someone who I see regularly and whose choices we do ever single week.

MN is fascinating.

full of women upset/disappointed they don’t have many friends, yet at same time think it’s perfectly normal to not accommodate a friends wish not to see the OW because they want to go to a particular bar.