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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have said I won’t go?

283 replies

Leaveitou · 15/02/2024 20:33

Friend we will call ‘S’ and I often go out drinking on the weekends and having a good time out (late 20s and childless).
S asked me to go to an event they could arrange free tickets for that they knew I’d love so I said yes and we made the plans about 2 months in advance to the event.

S then informs me that their friend group (FG) from home would visit my city as they aren’t local to attend the event with us. I said absolutely no problem, more the merrier and I’ve met them previously so no issues there.

Now to the issue - event isn’t all night long so we planned to continue the night with our usual bars like always however FG requested we go to a bar that is the one place I cannot attend. I reminded S that I couldn’t go to that bar and they said how much FG really loved it last time they visited and want to go again. I said I am thinking of not going to the event then as I don’t want to go for everyone to then leave me to go to a place they know I can’t go. S thinks I’m being ridiculous to cancel the whole night and thinks it should be enough that I’m going to the event.

AIBU to not go? I won’t enjoy the event knowing that they will ditch me to be selfish arseholes and go somewhere I can’t go knowing I can’t when there are plenty of other bars. Especially stings as the original plan did not involve these people but now S thinks it’s their responsibility to play host to them and go where they want with no regard to how that’s made me feel?

OP posts:
ILoveMyCatButHesAPervert · 16/02/2024 09:54

Trulyme · 16/02/2024 09:33

I think you’re cutting your nose off to spite your face.

You say this is an event you would love but you’re now throwing your toys out of the pram because people aren’t doing what you want to do.

The friends that live out of town get priority.

You’ve said yourself you go out most weekends with your friend, so it’s not fair that your choices trump friends that aren’t seen as often.

If you’re going to act like this then perhaps it’s best you stay home, so you don’t ruin it for everyone else.

I'm fascinated why people post undermining, nasty stuff like this. Just why? Reading comprehension seems to be one issue, but what else? Are you (and so many others on here) just miserable and bored and getting jibes in helps a little?

NoOrdinaryMorning · 16/02/2024 09:55

InAPickle12345 · 16/02/2024 03:18

@WandaWonder but she knows the other woman will give her a second thought... in her 2nd post she says they've literally spoken, and agreed that OP won't go into that one bar that this woman works at. Not a huge ask when there's plenty of bars in Liverpool.

She's not assuming anything, she's holding up their side of the agreement for the sake of both of their feelings. She's 100% doing the right thing by both her and this woman IMO.

She's choosing not to go, she's not 'making up some back story' to get out of going. There literally IS a back story that is very relevant.

And I think OP is a good woman for how she wants to handle this, by simply not going. op doesn't need this shit in her life. It's just 1 night out, she can do without it, and the potential agro it might bring. (And I also think her friend is shit)

This this this 100%! 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻 There's some really self-serving bitches on this thread who seem to only care as far as the end of the their own noses. Wow.

OP you're a good woman. Never change

InAPickle12345 · 16/02/2024 09:59

MorningSunshineSparkles · 16/02/2024 08:41

Give it a couple more years and you’ll realise what a drama queen you (and this alleged OW) are being. But as you’ve said, you’re only in your 20s so carry on acting like a tit for now, you’ll be dying of the cringe soon enough.

Dying of the cringe... I think you're the tit here. Can you honestly not see why these women have very sensibly, and maturely, decided to steer clear of each other. And how seeing her on a boozy night out would not only put this other woman in an uncomfortable position but likely ruin OPs night as well?

diddl · 16/02/2024 10:00

How long ago is all of this Op?

I do think that after a while it should be acceptable for you to go to the bar again, especially if the majority of the group want to go.

However the problem is that your friend hasn't said that she would go elsewhere with you & then all meet up again later.

Must be one helluva bar!

dessyh · 16/02/2024 10:03

As your friend knows you suffered a miscarriage with this man, who you thought was going to be your life partner, I can't understand why she's not directing her friends away from the one place in the city that brings all that back for you. Who knows, ow may have suffered similar with him.

Also, seems perfectly civilised to agree to keep a distance from each other in this situation. It was only a few months ago, not years.

If it was a tiny hamlet in Shropshire with one village pub it'd be a trickier situation but you're in bloody Liverpool. It's like she's looking to create drama.

JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn · 16/02/2024 10:03

Why 2 women are tiptoeing around each other because of a bloke is beyond me.

I have 2 friends who met each other because they were both seeing the same bloke. Neither knew they were being two-timed. When they found out, they both told the bloke what a knob he was and became friends. The best revenge is for them to be great friends. He hates it.

Crumpleton · 16/02/2024 10:08

WandaWonder · 16/02/2024 02:27

I would go, no man is worth any more of a second thought if he did this to me I don't need to prove anything to anyone other than muself and a man is not going to stop me going where I want they don't have that much power, even though they will have no idea I am there

Edited
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100%...

Moro93 · 16/02/2024 10:08

ILoveMyCatButHesAPervert · 16/02/2024 09:54

I'm fascinated why people post undermining, nasty stuff like this. Just why? Reading comprehension seems to be one issue, but what else? Are you (and so many others on here) just miserable and bored and getting jibes in helps a little?

Show quote history

Because OP asked a question and not everyone agrees she’s being reasonable 🤷‍♀️

DarkDarkNight · 16/02/2024 10:09

I think you can’t avoid her forever. You wouldn’t be going there to stir up trouble, just have a quiet drink. Avoiding each other in the immediate aftermath was probably a good idea, but they say the best revenge is living well. Both of you should move on with your lives without reference to your cheating ex. That means being able to see each other and it not being about your ex, just about you going for a drink in the place this woman works with no drama.

Ethylred · 16/02/2024 10:11

The whole thing is totally TOWIE.

Mothership4two · 16/02/2024 10:12

Fine to disagree @Moro93 but posters don't have to be rude or nasty about it.

LoobyDop · 16/02/2024 10:15

I don’t really agree with the posters saying that it was incredibly mature and sensible of the two blameless women to make a pact to avoid each other. They acknowledged that they were both innocent parties in the guy’s fuckwitted behaviour, so why allow it to dictate things now? Why expect another woman to change what she does to compensate for a shitbag man? Has he agreed not to go anywhere either of the two women might be?

Go to the bar, hold your head up, and if you see the other woman, smile at her and ask how she is. And have a drink for @savethatkitty who really sounds like she needs one.

MiddleAgedKirin · 16/02/2024 10:15

Sounds like S has has made it clear who she values more. Just ignore her next time she asks you out after the FG have buggered off back home.

OhNoWhatIf · 16/02/2024 10:16

Mothership4two · 16/02/2024 10:12

Fine to disagree @Moro93 but posters don't have to be rude or nasty about it.

Some of the posters make me laugh. They are like little witches waiting to be a bitch on threads. I honestly think they must have sad little lives and not many friends in real life.

JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn · 16/02/2024 10:16

Surely it's best to go the bar where the other woman works as that's the one bar the ex is unlikely to go?

I'd have thought it'd be far, far worse to bump into him (who caused all the trouble) than the woman who knew nothing about it?

Trickedbyadoughnut · 16/02/2024 10:16

Yeah, your friend doesn't have your back on this and I'd be disappointed too.

If I thought I'd still get some enjoyment from the event, I'd go just to that, but either way I'd be taking a step back from the friendship.

If it was a small town, with three pubs, maybe they'd have a point but Liverpool? Are they serious?

Braksonsboss · 16/02/2024 10:16

JoB1977 · 16/02/2024 09:26

How are so many people missing the point that OP is actually trying to do the decent thing here? I hate the term but she’s basically sticking to ‘girl code’ even when it’s to her detriment. Let’s face it, she could turn up to the bar with a group, the other woman (who will be sober if she’s working) will be totally blindsided and upset because she won’t be expecting to see her. OP could just ignore her and continue her night but she has previous agreed not to do this and is sticking to her word. How can no one else see this is a good thing?
OP - it would seem as if friend was happy to do this thing with you until another offer came along, now she doesn’t care if you go or not. What you do with that knowledge is up to you.

Because it’s letting a man camp inside your head and dictate your future behaviour.

JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn · 16/02/2024 10:17

Totally agree with @LoobyDop

Trulyme · 16/02/2024 10:21

ILoveMyCatButHesAPervert · 16/02/2024 09:54

I'm fascinated why people post undermining, nasty stuff like this. Just why? Reading comprehension seems to be one issue, but what else? Are you (and so many others on here) just miserable and bored and getting jibes in helps a little?

Show quote history

I’ve not said anything nasty.

OP has said she would love to go to event but she’s planning not to go because her friend (who she sees most weekends) has plans with other friends.

OP not going to the event that she would love is absolutely cutting her nose off to spite her face, that’s not a nasty thing to say.

Why should the entire group change their plans to suit OP.
These other friends are from out of town and OP gets the other friend to herself every other weekend.

It’s literally one night.
She can’t always do what she wants to do every weekend with her friend.
The friend should be able to choose what she wants to do with her out of town friends for just one night.

Ellie1015 · 16/02/2024 10:28

No i wouldn't go either and would be really disappointed in friend A for ditching you for FG. She knows you won't go to that bar and is choosing to go there with others despite making plans with you first.

TheTimeIsNowMaybeNow · 16/02/2024 10:30

Your friend is shit, it's not unreasonable to stay away from the ow place of work especially as its only been a few months

Mothership4two · 16/02/2024 10:30

OP isn't going to the bar because she doesn't WANT to and the OW doesn't want her there - it's still fairly early days and they probably don't want any reminders of what they have both been through. OP also doesn't want to do or say anything that she might regret after having a few drinks. It's just ONE bar that she doesn't want to go to at the moment, there are lots of others. I doubt it is a massive inconvenience to her on a day to day basis or giving the twat 'power'. The more relevant fact is that S and FG wanted to go there knowing the background and that they are still happy to dump her to go there is pretty crap really IMO

IncompleteSenten · 16/02/2024 10:32

Did you set a time limit on how long you will avoid the bar or is it for the rest of your life?

Yes, this bloke was a shit but you and the other young woman he deceived are giving him so much power over you.

Look at you. You feel like you can't have a lovely day out with your friends because of him. Yes, you'll want to reply it's because you don't want to hurt the other woman but the reason is you are both still letting him rule you.

You need to get to a point where he is irrelevant to you. He's your history. He's a piece of shit who crapped on you.

Welcome to the club. We've all been there. When I was young I met a man and we started seeing each other and then he vanished over Christmas. Turned out the fucker was married. He tried to contact me a couple of weeks later and I told him to fuck off.

That's it. Job done. Anything more than that and you're only hurting yourself and does he really deserve you still planning your life around what he did to you?

Ideally you would get in touch with the other young woman and say look, this is stupid, he was a shit but we have got to stop making him the centre of both our lives. I want to go to this bloody bar and he shouldn't be the reason I can't.

The two of you would be better off filing him in the box marked arsehole men and moving on with your lives.

JoB1977 · 16/02/2024 10:34

Braksonsboss · 16/02/2024 10:16

Because it’s letting a man camp inside your head and dictate your future behaviour.

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Is it? Or is it sticking to an agreement you made?
OP works with KS1 children. The other woman is unlikely to just turn up at her workplace. The two women (not the man, this isn’t about seeing him or his feelings) have agreed that OP will not go to her workplace. Presumably if they were both out in Liverpool on different nights out they would have to cope if they ended up in the same place. But here, OP is showing respect to the other woman.

Imagine the post where a woman came on here and told the other story:- ‘I work in a bar, history with this man and he was cheating on us both, things got heated and it was agreed it was fair if she didn’t come to my workplace but she did anyway’. People would be all over giving her sympathy etc.
At the very least, if OP wants to start going back to that bar she should tell the woman first.

Moro93 · 16/02/2024 10:36

OhNoWhatIf · 16/02/2024 10:16

Some of the posters make me laugh. They are like little witches waiting to be a bitch on threads. I honestly think they must have sad little lives and not many friends in real life.

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The irony…