To have said I won’t go?

[Leaveitou]

Friend we will call ‘S’ and I often go out drinking on the weekends and having a good time out (late 20s and childless).
S asked me to go to an event they could arrange free tickets for that they knew I’d love so I said yes and we made the plans about 2 months in advance to the event.

S then informs me that their friend group (FG) from home would visit my city as they aren’t local to attend the event with us. I said absolutely no problem, more the merrier and I’ve met them previously so no issues there.

Now to the issue - event isn’t all night long so we planned to continue the night with our usual bars like always however FG requested we go to a bar that is the one place I cannot attend. I reminded S that I couldn’t go to that bar and they said how much FG really loved it last time they visited and want to go again. I said I am thinking of not going to the event then as I don’t want to go for everyone to then leave me to go to a place they know I can’t go. S thinks I’m being ridiculous to cancel the whole night and thinks it should be enough that I’m going to the event.

AIBU to not go? I won’t enjoy the event knowing that they will ditch me to be selfish arseholes and go somewhere I can’t go knowing I can’t when there are plenty of other bars. Especially stings as the original plan did not involve these people but now S thinks it’s their responsibility to play host to them and go where they want with no regard to how that’s made me feel?

Yes I agree with this. Time to let it go OP. No way would I be letting his actions dictate where I went with friends.

Personally I wouldn't attend the event if the rest insist going to this certain bar.

I wouldn’t be not going into a bar because this woman works there. Where does it end?
What if she gets a new job in a supermarket or clothes shop? Will you stop going in there as well. Or if she becomes a bus driver would you not get on her bus?

Your ex and this woman can’t dictate the rest of your life.
Yes your friend should be more sympathetic but it provokes food for thought.

Do you have a different friend you can invite along then go somewhere after with her/him instead? Depending on what the event is, I think I would still go if I was able to sit/stand elsewhere.

I doubt they'll feel like this forever @Stressedafff and I would suspect that if she changes career and becomes a bus driver then the agreement will be off.

One of OP's fears is that she will say something when tipsy that she would regret. Hopefully she wouldn't get smashed on the no.7 bus!

I think it’s rude of your friend. In these circumstances I would definitely just tell the group we weren’t going there.

Your friend is rude. Not sure if the FG are aware - if they aren't, can you tell them?

What bar OP? I can’t imagine going to somewhere like Liverpool, especially as an outsider, and having a specific plan to visit a certain bar. I’d go with the flow and go into wherever looks good as we passed, or be led by the friends who are local. I suppose I might plan to go to the Cavern.

Just message the woman letting her know you will be there on x evening and that you will not interact with her but just giving her a heads up.

Its a bit weird the friend is fixated on going to this particular bar? Liverpool is literally full of bars. I would be upset if my friends were going to go somewhere I couldn't. Imagine having to go home straight after the event, while they carry on going to bars?! It's a bit rude of them. Why wouldn't they want to include you?! I wouldn't go either. They can both go together.

If you don't want to go to the bar, don't go.

Since you're in Liverpool one of the friendliest cities in the UK, can you not arrange to meet with another pal, one who cares, after the event? Possibly get rent-a-hunk to wait for you outside. Then leave S and her FG in the past and wondering. Even if all he does is walk you to a taxi rank, you'll have one up on them.

This is such an odd response. Do you have the numbers of your ex’s ex girlfriend? Because I do not. Even stranger to text her I’m coming to her work place when we already agreed that I would not do so.

I assumed you had a way to contact her as you said you previously spoke. Maybe I misunderstood.
The text would be a follow-up to this previous conversation: you left it saying you wouldn’t go, now there is a specific occasion where you will actually be there so you are letting her know.
I feel you are being obtuse on purpose.

I won’t enjoy the event knowing that they will ditch me to be selfish arseholes and go somewhere I can’t go

Tbh I think that that is on you.

You could still go to the event but choose not to.

When and why did you meet up to agree this, op? That's the weird thing, actually...

YABU. You go out with your friend often and can pick any bar you like. The one time her FG are coming and they fancy a specific bar as they like it, they should get priority. You will have many other chances to go out with your friend, as you already have. But it isn’t every weekend this FG can go to this bar presumably. So let them enjoy their night and just enjoy the event and leave stop making it a drama.

if I was FG, I’d be really judging if the friend of a friend wanted to dictate where we went on a rare night in the same town , when they’re out with friend often and have the pick of the place

You’re being unnecessarily mean and jumping to conclusions when you don’t even know why she doesn’t to go to the bar.

Her reason does make sense.

@Leaveitou your friend is being ridiculous if she knows what happened, but if she doesn’t then I can understand her perspective. You are not unreasonable to not want to go to the bar so you can either explain why, or just go to the event and split up after that. If she isn’t happy with that then cancel altogether.

Unless the friend doesn’t know what happened and about the women, she is being very unreasonable to insist they go to a bar that she knows will bring hurtful memories to her friend.

It’s not just the fact she can run into the other woman but there is no way she can relax and have fun when the meneories are there. The woman your partner cheated on you with just a few months ago, why are we all acting like she can just shrug it off so easily.

Yes this on principle. His shitty behaviour is continuing to affect your life which means you now can’t go somewhere. F that.

In practice though, you’re not wrong to be pissed off. Is your original friend really not understanding enough for you to say “hey you know I can’t go there, we wouldn’t have gone in there just the 2 of us, how about we take your mates to X or Y instead”

If they had the kind of relationship where they had each other’s phone number, and texted each other - then why on earth would they purposefully be avoiding each other…..?!

But they don't even know each other, so this desperation to avoid each other is odder still.

She can’t dictate that you don’t go into her work wtf. It’s a public place for god sake

@Stressedafff

She can’t dictate that you don’t go into her work wtf. It’s a public place for god sake

?? They both agreed to this together.

I imagine they were hoping they will move on quicker without any reminders. Whether that will work or not remains to be seen.

Well you weren’t exactly subtle. I don’t care what some random MN thinks. Like I said, it’s ironic.

It’s a hospitality venue. So by law, she can literally refuse service without reason. She hasn’t barred me as we agreed but if I decided to go in, she could if she wanted to.