To explode at family pressuring to see newborn?

[coconean]

I have a newborn and not had the best birth and have been quite poorly.

I have explained to family several times now when I am ready I will let them know.
Quite a few of family members have complained of fevers, flu etc so for obvious reasons im keeping my distance.

Nobody seems to be respecting what I am saying and keep bombarding me with texts, like let me enjoy my baby!

I feel ready to explode, I didnt do this when they had babies and left them to it until they were ready and just want the same respect.

I had a 3rd degree tear that required surgery immediately after my sons birth, I felt like I had been hit by a bus. It took a good 8 weeks to recover properly. 6 days is nothing, take all the time you need and try not to worry about them x Congratulations on your baby 💐

Silence the messages and don’t look at them for a few days or a week or so and respond when your ready.

No one should be pressuring you. What is is about newborns that make people feel so entitled to see them!

She’s recently had a difficult birth, isn’t feeling well and isn’t ready for visitors. Nothing remotely precious about that. Sick of women’s wishes and needs not being respected and even insulted or belittled

I’d never dream of asking to see someone 6 days after giving birth. You will still be sore and settling in. I would wait until I was invited. Send a really blunt message to them or get your partner to.

Some people are so rude on this board, I actually can’t get over it.

So you've only just got home from hospital? (Baby is 6 days old, you were in for 6 days?)

They aren't actually just turning up on your doorstep are they?

Send a firm message (or get DP to do it)
Along the lines of
"As you know I was very poorly and had an extended hospital stay. I've just got home, am still poorly and am still recuperating. As soon as I am well enough for visitors I'll let you know"

Then put your phone on silent and get on with enjoying your new baby. No-one is forcing you to read / reply to all these messages and you don't have to answer your phone. Just turn it off.

I doubt it. Literally about 50 people visited after my baby was born, most of them have never been again since in last 5 years. The most interested people now didn't even visit at the time of birth due to distance. Caring loving family members will understand a wish for recovery time.

The baby is a member of a wider family, other people will love him/her you should ease up and let others share the joy.

Your baby being held by other people doesn't lessen the bond with you. It's not a ducking, it's not going to imprint on someone else!

If you want visitors to help, ask them when they get there.

Why isn't the dad doing the laundry and cooking?

??? What does this even mean 🤣

It really shocks me how women are treated after childbirth, some of the comments here are awful. You know, many mammals keep their newborns away from the rest of the group for a little while, especially in predators, so maybe we naturally have that instinct too. We hear all about mens nature and needs but women are just expected to be societies martyrs and always put everyone else first.

OP doesn’t want to see anyone yet, her baby wouldn’t benefit from it at all, these are all just selfish people putting their own wants over OPs needs. I get they’re excited, but they aren’t the people who need most consideration in this situation.

OP, you are well within your rights to tell them where to go. Try and do it politely rather than exploding. I’d send a final message and block anyone you haven’t seen for a while. With the ones you actually want to come, give them a proposed date in a week or two (or whenever you feel you’ll be ready)

I read a quote about pulling up the drawbridge when you’ve had a baby and I loved that. It’s so bizarre how people come out of the woodwork when there is a baby on the scene!

Put them on mute. They can wait. One newborn is pretty much like another and yours presumably isn't going anywhere.

Sorry?
Holding s grudge? Wtf!
I literally havent seen some of the family for years and there has been no contact until the birth of my child.

I am fighting of an infection, I am ill and yet I am expected to invite people to my house to see my baby as if he is some mind of novelty when I feel at deaths door, what planet are you on???

I dont expect help of anyone to the poster who says I shouldnt expect help of people in the future.
Its my baby, I do what the hell I want.

@telestrations

My doctor recommend giving yourselves 6-8 weeks to adjust before accepting visitors

No doctor would say this

There’s plenty of time for them to bond with baby in the first couple of years of them being a baby, baby gains nothing from it being in the first six weeks. Actually when they would benefit most is when they can start engaging with visitors, say 3 months on - but miraculously in my experience that is when people seemed to not be interested anymore!

Just say no and be grateful you have family wanting to meet DC.

I have a 12 week old and only one family member has asked and met him and that took weeks of me nagging.

Just ignore them. Have a set text to send to everyone so you don’t have to think or get stressed, and if you get too many texts just switch your phone off. It’s perfectly normal not to want lots of people trooping in to see baby. I only had my parents visit in the early days and just didn’t answer the door to random people ‘just popping by and thought I’d drop in’.

Look after yourself and baby and ignore them xx

You know what all doctors, in all countries would and wouldn’t say do you? And where did you get your magical, mystical mind reading abilities?

@Heathers4evs

The baby is a member of a wider family, other people will love him/her you should ease up and let others share the joy.

I'm sure OP will eventually but perhaps not immediately after coming out of an extended hospital stay with an infection and a newborn. OP also says she would like to see four family members, just not the more distant ones that haven't put in much effort with her.

Your baby being held by other people doesn't lessen the bond with you. It's not a ducking, it's not going to imprint on someone else!

I don't get the impression OP gives two figs (being polite) about this with these visitors. I would imagine she wants to get better, recover, bond with her baby and try and get into some sort of routine. Have you RTWT?

If you want visitors to help, ask them when they get there.

She doesn't WANT them there.

Oh you poor love, I am so sorry. I had a very, very similar experience with childbirth and wish I had taken more time to heal at home with just my husband and most cherished friends/family to help. It’s really hard but you will feel a little better with each passing day. I had a third degree tear which was SO sore and a 2 litre PPH and was really short of breath just walking across a room. My mood didn’t begin to improve until everything down below stopped hurting so much, and that took a few weeks. In retrospect, I wasn’t ready for visitors so early but I felt pressurised (weirdly only by me though, not by anyone else!).

Ask your husband to send a message along the lines of “Coconean was so amazing and gave birth to our beautiful baby and we are so excited to see you. She is still feeling weak and unwell after an admission to critical care but we will be in touch when she is feeling a little better. Thank you for understanding and respecting her privacy.”

It is lovely for them that they don’t understand your postpartum experience - it wasn’t until after I got over my own birth trauma that I realised what a better time so many women had of it! What you are experiencing is very common too, but many women (me included) don’t talk about it for various reasons, it is less well understood and gets swept away as part of “lol it’s hard giving birth.”

Look after yourself OP. I promise you will heal and when you do, it will be a pleasure to spend time with relatives who love you and your baby. In the meantime, just rest, drink lots of water and eat cake.

The last sentence covers it.

if that is what you think why the heck are you on Mumsnet trying to justify your decision.

I think you’re wrong by the way but you don’t care and I’m not going to lose any sleep over it.

I forgot to add - those distance relatives or the ones who aren’t nice don’t matter. Ignore them. If they want a relationship with your child then that can come in years to come. Right now it’s just you and your bond with your baby that matter.

Did a little Social Anthropology at university, and read about a culture where women give birth then are placed in accommodation alone with their newborn for three whole months. People bring them food, and take care of their older children, but no-one is allowed in with mother and baby. It seemed like a good system - time to establish breastfeeding, get to know each other and bond, no need to fend off demanding relatives, no germs etc.

Not sure what would happen if the mother has a toddler she's still feeding as well as the newborn. Common sense says they'd be in with the mother but I don't know.

Why should she have to so early? She is saying she’s happy for them to meet the baby but just not yet. Every woman is different, some are excited for everyone to meet the baby straight away. Other women may need a bit of time as she’s had a traumatic birth and will be exhausted.

That sounds like absolute hell.