To explode at family pressuring to see newborn?

[coconean]

I have a newborn and not had the best birth and have been quite poorly.

I have explained to family several times now when I am ready I will let them know.
Quite a few of family members have complained of fevers, flu etc so for obvious reasons im keeping my distance.

Nobody seems to be respecting what I am saying and keep bombarding me with texts, like let me enjoy my baby!

I feel ready to explode, I didnt do this when they had babies and left them to it until they were ready and just want the same respect.

I think you misread what I wrote. You can have whichever of those options you choose. Hence the "or vice versa".

Edit - yes I literally said your dh too.

My own dh is still on paternity leave. He's having 5 months off.

Oh OP I really feel for you.

Send a message saying you aren't feeling the best and will be unavailable for a couple of weeks until things settle down and will be back in touch then. Then put your phone on silent.

In my situation, SILs and BILs came when I wasn't in any emotional or physical state (also difficult birth) to see them. I was then expected to give them endless cups of tea, listen to them making plans about how they were going to take my week old baby out alone which stressed me out so much that I cried for hours after they left (needless to say without the baby).

I wish I had told them I wasn't ready for them to come around.

What’s with all the “depends how old the baby is” etc? It doesn’t matter how old. If someone has set personal boundaries then that’s that. Some people can’t wait to show off their baby, some people just want to hunker down and take stock after a very life changing event. I’ve been both of these people. Congratulations OP, enjoy your newborn.

Tell them to fuck off... well actually, tell them nothing, ignore completely.

When I had DS, everyone was around, even in the hospital, I had so many visitors that I wasn't told in advance about or prepared for...

When I got home it was worse, people in my house every single fucking second of the day. People I hadn't seen in months, or years.

I had a bad tear, was trying to breastfeed, was a young first time Mum and just wanted to be on my own with my baby.

As it turned out, they were contacting my DC father who said 'It's fine, come round!!!'

And I did explode. Big time! There was a group of about 8 people one evening in my kitchen when DS was just about 2 weeks old, I was hiding upstairs in pain and trying to feed. I

'd had enough, they were in my house and making noise, I stormed downstairs and told every last one of them to get the fuck out of my house or they would never see my or my baby again, told DC dad to get the fuck out with them as well if he had a problem with it.

We do what we have to do to get by in those first few weeks, these visitors just ruined that time for me. Their want to see your baby does not trump your need to be a new mother. Ignore all the texts and put your boundaries down.

Do it. Every time I have had a baby my OH’s brother has harassed us until we let him visit. He has then arrived with his gf who also insists on having ‘cuddles’, and they sit on our couch for hours overstaying their welcome when I am tired and emotional. I have had fairly straightforward births and not had tears or felt too unwell
afterwards so I can’t imagine hope awful
it would be for you to host these dickheads.

BIL and gf start IVF soon and I cannot wait for them to get home with their new baby so I can impose on them. Petty, but I am determined that they understand what they put me through.

This is so awful.

Hiding upstairs in pain and trying to feed and adjust to motherhood while people rudely ignore your request and muscle in downstairs.

I'm so glad you told them all the fuck off!

@coconean ignore. Let you DP field the questions.
You've said you're not ready and that's it.

when I had my 1st everyone and their dog turned up the same day I was discharged from hospital - which was the same day I had dd so she wasn't even 24 hours old at this point. I was fuming. Looking back I defiantly had some kind of mental health issues over them first few months.

2nd time around I was prepared. (Granted I was a single parent) but I stayed indoors / didn't see anyone for 3 weeks.
I sent photos / videos and facetimed with baby.
Birth was straight forward & easy - but Covid was around at this point and I just didn't want the stress like I'd had before - family still moan about it and say I "took away their right" but I genuinely don't care. I look back at that time and I'm really happy with how I handled it and how we was in our little bubble at home.

It really was awful @scoobysnaxx

I don't care what anyone says here about Precious First Borns... he was my Precious First Born! I was a young Mum trying to adjust, breastfeeding was so difficult for me, I literally had 2 different people touch and manoeuvre my breast while I was trying to breastfeed because they figured they could get my DS to latch better than I was doing. No surprise I completely lost confidence and just gave up after 1 week.

It quite literally ruined the first couple of weeks home until I literally exploded like a mad woman that night. It shouldn't have taken that but unfortunately it did.

And the funny thing is, once I fucked everyone out of my house that might, DS father had a real go at me for being 'inhospitable'... I'll never forget it. And you can be sure I fucked him out of the house that night too. (Not surprising we separated some years after)

Giving birth, especially for the first time, is not an easy thing to do, recover from, or adjust to. Do what you need to do to look after you and baby, that's all that matters. Family members photos can fucking wait.

I really think it depends on your family. I had people over from within an hour of getting home from hospital both times - nobody had offered to help in their messages, but without fail for the first weeks/months, they’d do my washing,
walk my dogs, play with my toddler, bring food and snacks and hold the baby if I wanted them to so I could sleep - none of this (aside maybe the dogs) was necessary and it was incredibly kind of them. My fondest memories of the early days with both DD’s is how much time they got to spend with family who adored them. The only exception was my sister who was poorly when DD2 was born and waited until she was better (not that it mattered within 2 weeks DD1 had picked something up from nursery and she was poorly).
I genuinely don’t understand why people wait weeks and weeks - the help and love was invaluable - but I also accept not all families are like mine! So I guess it depends on whether they’ll be supportive once they’re at yours, or whether they’ll accept to be waited on hand and foot, and what your relationship is generally like

Well an old hand here. 66 and had my 5 babies in the 80's.
No such thing as giving yourself time and space in those days. Family members were gathered round the crib in the hospital ha! But equally as new mums we were in hospital for around 1 week.
Why not set up some Limited visiting slots from around 10 days old?

I remember my Nana telling me this, that they stayed in the hospital for a week at that time. I left hospital on day 2, thought it was a bit bizarre when Nan was telling me but figured my Nan had 9 children and maybe it was to give her a break? Would be really interested to hear why Mums were kept in hospital so long back then. Was it really to give them a break as I suspect or something different?

This 100%

Op some of the responses here are really harsh. I don’t understand some of them, but then I also had a bad tear and I know the agony that comes with even merely shifting yourself on the chair. And the extra bleeding that comes with it. It’s not a personal slight for people if you want to recover and have the time to yourself, and it’s not unreasonable to not want to pass your baby around if you don’t want to. They say weddings and funerals bring out the worst in people, I think having babies can bring out the worst in relatives. I had it on my first when I lived at home temporarily , my mum inviting the world in the day I got home after a forceps birth and was so bad I could barely get out of bed and I was in agony. Half the road was appearing in my bedroom. I moved out very soon after that, and you can be full sure it didn’t happen again on my next two babies when I had a say it was my own place! Op you will never get these days back again, do all you can to keep this time as you want and need it to be. For as many people who say you are precious , many will also say they regret not doing things how they wanted. It’s a really tough but beautiful time and you should be able to suit yourselves not others on this occasion. Also, if people don’t bother with your baby over this, it’s their loss!

Turn your phone off 🤷‍♀️ stop stressing, congratulations 💐

Sorry you’ve had a rough time. I think it’s totally fine to not allow family you’re not close to to visit so soon and if it was me I wouldn’t be asking so early. Normally for distant relatives I visit them after a month or so.

I think as you just say family and don’t specify your relationship some posting are just thinking of their own situation and projecting.

Jesus

Just keep saying not yet, you'll get in touch when you feel ready.

Once you've said that a few times, just ignore any messages asking to come and visit.

They've been told the situation, they know. It's extremely rude and inconsiderate to keep asking.

Ignore it and do what you need to do.

I never had a single visitor that I didn’t agree to after giving birth. DH and I spent nearly all of the first month or so together with almost no interruptions. It was bliss.

Not being close to extended family does have its benefits. I’m pretty sure some of my cousins don’t even know I’ve had a DC and he’s nearly 3 now!

I think this is more you been petty
you explain you haven’t seen family in years and owe them nothing etc this could be more of a holding a grudge

This whole attitude is incredibly narcissistic, having a baby doesn't make you the centre of the universe
By all means politely let people know you're not ready but these people are your child's family. I've seen people have this attitude and alienate those around them irreparably. A couple of years later they complain that no one wants to help out, babysit etc.

@Lovelyjubbbly

I think this is more you been petty

I think this is more you having either zero empathy or poor reading skills or haven't RTWT. OP is fighting off an infection, has had a traumatic birth and has not long come home. On top of this she has a newborn with all that entails to contend with. She has explained she has a distant relationship with these family members (probably for context) - not surprising she doesn't feel like putting herself out for them and disturbing her time getting to know her baby.

I have had friends who had standard births who looked completely shell-shocked and overwhelmed for the first few weeks of their babies' lives.

Oh wow
You're only 6 days post partum
This time last year I had my newborn
People kept visiting and I barely had enough sleep
I also had my excited 13 year old daughter kept coming in at all hours
I literally became so unwell I had to go back into hospital
I was 7 days postpartum
I didn't know what was wrong with me
Went back to postnatal ward and had the best week ever!

I was unwell, I had all sorts of checks
Anyway everything came back just pregnancy and labour related and anemia
But I got to enjoy my son for a week in peace, sleep in peace and get 3 meals a day
Obviously that's what a new mum needs!
I think the first 3 weeks should be off limits except to drop off food please thank you 🤣

@Golden407

By all means politely let people know you're not ready but these people are your child's family. I've seen people have this attitude and alienate those around them irreparably. A couple of years later they complain that no one wants to help out, babysit etc.

OP has literally said she does want to see her parents, cousin and aunty and uncle but not the ones she has a distant relationship with. Siblings don't even invited her around to theirs. They don't sound like they are going to be prepared do much helping out anyway.

She has also only just come out of hospital after what must have been quite a traumatising time and is still ill. FGS give her a break

Firstly congratulations! And sorry you’ve had it rough, take it easy!

babies bring out the worst in people. They often forget how hard it is and just want to see the bundle of cuteness. Try not to let it ruin this time, set your boundaries, stick to them and ignore and get wrapped in your baby bubble. Sending love x

YANBU. I really feel for you OP.

I had a similar experience with my first born; i had quite a stressful birth and just wanted to have time to recover and establish breastfeeding in peace, but was constantly being bombarded from day 1 with messages to come and visit. Some even turned up uninvited, including one of my DH’s work colleagues, which was utterly ridiculous. I found it very overwhelming at the time, especially as it was mid-2021 so was really concerned about Covid.

You have also just had a baby in winter, when it seems like every other person is full of a cold/flu/virus so that definitely can add to the stress of it all. Take care of yourself and don’t feel like you need to accommodate anyone so early on. Just focus on yourself and your little baby, try ignoring the messages for a few days if you can.

I’ve just had my second baby and no-one seems to be bothered this time around. It’s pure bliss.