To explode at family pressuring to see newborn?

[coconean]

I have a newborn and not had the best birth and have been quite poorly.

I have explained to family several times now when I am ready I will let them know.
Quite a few of family members have complained of fevers, flu etc so for obvious reasons im keeping my distance.

Nobody seems to be respecting what I am saying and keep bombarding me with texts, like let me enjoy my baby!

I feel ready to explode, I didnt do this when they had babies and left them to it until they were ready and just want the same respect.

I agree a shawl can be a faff but it was invaluable when I was out and about.

When peopled visited us they sat in the dining room, no comfy chairs. With twins you need one either side of you so a big armchair or sofa. I was happy to carry them upstairs ( dh would take one me the other) to relax and feed. I was ok with feeding my first, a single, in the dining room as it’s not such a hassle.

I wasn’t bothered leaving to do this
People we’re not allowed to just pop there head around the door even to say goodbye as my boobs were on full display. Tbh it might have been funny as the milk often catapulted to the wall opposite when one was latched on and the other not🤣

so I didn’t say you have to remove yourself. I was giving my opinion

Even again today both siblings just text me to invite themselves over which I find so rude given how ill I feel.

Please don't you or OH feel pressured to let them in if they just turn up at your door OP

Cant your parents and OH contact them to say "leave her alone"?

Sorry you have to deal with this crap. I had an ok birth, very tired but otherwise fine, and just couldn’t be bothered with anyone. I needed to find my feet with the new situation. People need to be patient. Baby will still be here in a few weeks time.

*think I more question why those boundaries are wanted.

Why do so many people want to keep (usually) new GPs and aunts and uncles away?

I understand some random great aunts and distant cousins, but I really wanted my family to meet the newest member.*

Not everyone is lucky enough to have decent family members that will be supportive, respect simple boundaries, help and/or offer to help, etc. Unfortunately, many have family members who only want to focus on their wants on a new baby and not what a new baby and their mum need.

Yes my parents have already told them that when I am ready I will let people know instead of just to keep pestering me.

It is getting to the stage where its bullying as my brother told my mum that he feels as if I will keep my son away and he will miss out on him growing up.
Just to add my brother is a bully and terrorised me in my teens.

Even again today both siblings just text me to invite themselves over which I find so rude given how ill I feel.

Text - this is my last message - I will be in contact when I'm ready. Please respect that. Then block them for now.

Have you got a Ring doorbell in case they just turn up?

Congrats on your baby - sorry you're going through all this. Just block, and relax as much as you can.

That's a ridiculous generalisation. A lot of us would love it.

Imagine for a moment... you live in a culture where when women give birth, they go into seclusion with their baby, and everyone else looks after them. This happened to you when you were newborn. You saw it when your family members and neighbours gave birth. Mothers emerge from their seclusion fully bonded with their baby, with breastfeeding established, fully rested, having been protected from demands to restart a sex life... It's your expectation. You've supported others and now it's your turn.

You'd be perfectly normal to take part in it and enjoy it.

@StopStartStop
what culture was this
dare I say did it have anything to do with idea of original sin and having to hide away until baby and mother are cleansed
Or was this purely a caring thing.

@coconean

They sound hideous! Tell them bluntly to eff off....or get your mum or hubby to do it.

What's the worst that can happen if you don't have a relationship with them anyway? Their loss. Most certainly not yours.

I'd just block them & focus on getting well & enjoying the time with your baby.

I don't need to imagine - I've got close friends who have 'sat the month' in Chinese culture. What you have described was not what I was responding to, which was 'no one is allowed with the mother and child'. That is social deprivation and any normal person wouldn't cope. Women with low social contact and support have higher rates of post natal depression.

You've described a situation where a group of people have access to the mother and child and contribute to the wellbeing f both. That is completely different. When you sit the month it's expected that you won't spend 100% of your time looking after the baby's needs, for example, but that your mother and mother in law will meet the baby's needs while the mother recovers.

Good question. I'd answer but it was over thirty years ago so... who knows? I'm expecting someone to turn up who has that background, to dispute my comments. But, I stand by them.

I don't think 'original sin' had ever taken hold with them but 'cleansing' might have. You can tell me you're cleansing me if you give me three months off to get to know my baby, and I'm not going to care. Context might make a difference to how you thought about it, though.

Would you tell someone going through cancer or any other type of “temporary” change in their body causing issues that they need to suck it up and let the world visit?

A gold medal for the day's most stupid comparison!

I know that the MN mantra is about 'little families' and 'bubbles' but some new mothers do take it to extremes!

yep - no need to explode or tell people to fuck off or go into fiether hyper stress . State you're not well, urgent messages to be routed to DP and block

No. It's bonkers.

I mean, how absolutely crap would someone's support system have to be to find solitary confinement preferable? To find being on your own easier then with your own partner?

No one to share night duties
No one to hold the baby whilst you have a nap or shower
No one to take the baby out for an hour so you can have some peace.

I remember a thread on mn months ago about a woman considering sending her toddler away for a few months when having a newborn. She was universally criticised for how harmful that would be for the toddler. This is the same.

The being kept confined is awful enough. Having to do it without your partner and other children is whole level extra awful.

Your views on how it's better for men to literally stay away for the first few months of their children's lives to save the woman from sex says a lot about your views/experience of men.

Ps: i had visitors from day 1, went out every day from getting home. Sex by 2 weeks, holiday abroad by 6 weeks. Ebf baby who I still 'got to know' perfectly well. No need to lock me in a box for this.

I'd be tempted to schedule something for max 30-60 minutes in a week or so once you've managed to recover from the infection a bit more. Reschedule closer to the time if you need to. Get your parents there is you want too, so you don't have to clean up after them and you have help kicking them out.

I'd probably give them all the gory details of the tear and recovery process too tbh! Make them uncomfortable and show how ignorant and selfish they were being!

A third degree tear is hard, you're completely justified to feel the way you do when dealing with that on too of caring for your newborn. The last thing you need is people pestering you.

The desperate framing of those beyond the inner circle as being ‘kept away’ or ‘denied their rights’ to an early visit, while you’re painfully shuffling about in stitches is plain bonkers.

So glad you’ve got some kindly gatekeepers doing their job, OP. Have a peaceful day with little one & the chosen few. X

'kept away' 'denied their rights' betrays the person's perspective very clearly. That they feel family members have an absolute right to contact with the baby, however the baby's mum feels about it.

@Babyboomtastic Think whatever you like.

What's sad is there are still a lot of women who feel that way, it's evident on this thread alone. It's sad. Poor OP. Poor women.

50 years ago both my mother and mother on law spent two weeks in hospital after the birth of their first child, with baby. They had nurses who helped them with breastfeeding, meals prepared and delivered and visiting times for people to come if they wanted.

This was in the UK. It was deemed that women needed that type of support in the beginning.

And they do, but many families fail at this and belief their involvement, their visits are not about THEM.

I only spent 6 hrs in hospital from arriving to discharge. Clearly straightforward birth. Baby came early and family lives 250miles away. We had a week to ourselves before the onslaught arrived and it was lush. And I have a great family who DO help out and respect my boundaries but I still relish those early days we had to settle ourselves.

I feel for families in this situation. Humans have so much love for newborns, it’s a miracle to hold one. Especially when you’re older, it means so much to see brand new life in your family.

I think it’s good for the baby to feel all that love and wonder.

(and build a strong immune system)

@Babyboomtastic glad you had a great early postnatal period, but OP has a third degree tear. That’s a tear into the muscle surrounding anal sphincter. Depending on severity, possibly the anus itself. She’s been hospitalised for 6 days. Sex is not going to be possible or advisable for weeks, and realistically, months. I still have complications from my 3b tear 3.5 years on (and had another baby on top of it!) Basically, your comment is more applicable to women fortunate enough to have a straightforward delivery, with minimal injuries or blood loss.

OP, I hope you recover well. Be gentle with yourself - you’ve taken a battering! Those who’ve been there, will understand.

I find your comment to be extremely distasteful especially the last paragraph 🙄

Indeed.

Perhaps carrying and birthing a baby could be better done tidily and politely via an app!

Well mine did

An obstetrician/gynecologist to be precise

Possibly in response to personal circumstances (I have no idea) but was very welcomed by us both and exactly the excuse we needed