To explode at family pressuring to see newborn?

[coconean]

I have a newborn and not had the best birth and have been quite poorly.

I have explained to family several times now when I am ready I will let them know.
Quite a few of family members have complained of fevers, flu etc so for obvious reasons im keeping my distance.

Nobody seems to be respecting what I am saying and keep bombarding me with texts, like let me enjoy my baby!

I feel ready to explode, I didnt do this when they had babies and left them to it until they were ready and just want the same respect.

I’m with you OP. We have family we never see who came out of the woodwork when our first baby was born. We allowed one set to visit begrudgingly…we didn’t see or hear from them again until our second baby was born when they wanted to visit again...guess who still hasn’t met our nearly 1 year old?!? We did give them the option when he was about 2 months old….all the dates/times we suggested didn’t work for them so we stopped trying. I don’t feel that my children are missing out by not knowing them.

I used the word dangerous in the context of regressive. To label having visitors straight away as natural and normal does create an expectation that all women should do this whether they want it or not otherwise you are not behaving 'normally'.

In the case of the OP she has complex health needs of her own which are the priority here.

And at times this is regardless of their birth experience and rather just, a woman's preference. Their choice around how they want to spend those first few days or weeks post birth.

Women should feel enabled and empowered to make those choices without familial or societal pressure to 'put a face on' and do as other people please.

Would you tell someone going through cancer or any other type of “temporary” change in their body causing issues that they need to suck it up and let the world visit?

would you say it to men?

or just women, during what is (for most) the most vulnerable they will be?

I can tell you now from experience OP, the way these relatives react when you explain you're not ready and you will let them know will shape your relationship with them well into the future.

A bit of initial overexcitement is fine, but when you say 'it's been a rough time, I need some time, I'll let you know when we're ready' and people respond with pressure, it really does sour you on them and make you not want to see them at all. The ones who say 'totally understand, it's a huge thing to go through, we're here if you need us and we'd love to see you when you're ready' are the ones you know you can trust and rely on and will want to see even more of down the line.

People can be just awful to new parents.

I don’t get this at all. I had a c:s both times and my friends and family visited in the hospital. I wasn’t keen on PILs there that night post-birth, but after that it was lovely to have people see me and the baby.
It’s up to you though , but I wouldn’t say it was usual.

100% ^ this!

I am disgusted at the entitlement of some posters, and how they think the iccle wimmin should be there and be hosting and greeting visitor after fucking visitor postpartum, when she's feeling like shit, in pain, tired, sore, fed up, and had fuck-all sleep for days on end (even weeks!) I am also disgusted at the way some posters are making other women feel if they DON'T want be hostess with the mostess! JUST after she given birth!

The 'this only happens on mumsnet' shit pisses me off. NO it fucking DOESN'T. It happens in real life. Not every woman who has just had a baby wants intrusive 'how dare you not let me in!' fuckers pushing their way into their home.

I didn't want ANYONE near me as I felt tired and weary and weepy, and didn't want anyone around me. To my absolute horror, DH got the wife of his mate at work, who I barely knew to pop in (when my first baby was 10 days old,) and visit me 'to keep me company.' She just sat there and watched while I struggled to get baby to latch onto my breast - she was doing it easily eventually, but struggled for a couple of weeks.- And she watched while I changed her nappy, and she just sat on her arse while I made her coffees and waited on her. I was struggling, frazzled, and fatigued, and she was sitting there like the fucking QUEEN. I asked her to leave after a couple of hours as I needed to SLEEP.

I then scolded DH afterwards and I said 'what the fuck did you send HER around for?!' For some reason, some people think women who have just given birth want oodles of people around them. Many do NOT, and don't want intrusion, and people pushing them to do anything.

You have been through a really tough time physically - of course you need tine to recover. Grandparents popping round? Ok fine. Random cousins who you never see? They are NOT the priority in any way. Congratulations on your little baby and take the time you need to recover

I think I more question why those boundaries are wanted.

Why do so many people want to keep (usually) new GPs and aunts and uncles away?

I understand some random great aunts and distant cousins, but I really wanted my family to meet the newest member

Personally I would let parents - and close family visit but tell friends and extended family that you don't want them to visit yet as it is too much for you atm.

I never said anyone should suck things up and let people do what they want. Read what I said, set boundaries of course.

I was responding to to the advice of the poster I quoted who suggested doing what she did and tell her family to fuck off or "they'll never see her or the baby again"

I would absolutely advise men to consider other people

This happened to my best friend OP. She had an incredibly traumatic birth, had surgery twice after to save her life and was really poorly for weeks after. The only people she had around were those that were there to help and support and that she was happy to see her in this state (so basically her husband and her mum). I sent her a message once to offer any support and then I let her get better. I was the first to meet baby - she said the amount of people constantly texting her the whole time whilst she recovered from two sets of life saving surgery, whilst caring for a newborn was horrendous. It ruined a lot of her relationships because no one seemed to care about how she was, they just wanted to see the shiny new toy! Baby will still be there when you’re feeling better. They can wait.

I just love this comment !

I guess that makes you the best woman.

All my family and in laws will need to travel or fly. They’ve offered to stay in hotels. For that reason we’re waiting to week three as once they are here they’re going to be here for 2-4 weeks (all retired). If it was a couple of hours fine. But im not ready to be that inundated. Husband has 4 weeks of paternity so he will still be off. We also need to balance who goes first syndrome and have both at once.

I want to be free to air out my bits and bobs as it promotes healing and it’s my natural state of being.

I found throwing a shawl over one shoulder covered the boob and kept my dignity, which is also what I did when our and about.
Feeding two at the same time wasn’t an option so if we had people around I would go into another room. However people tended to chat at the dining table and the nice big sofa in the living room was more comfy anyway.

Its ok to remove yourself from visitors when you have newborns

I had a very difficult birth and honestly looked (and felt) unrecognisable for a while afterwards.

I put out a simple message that I needed time to recover and to please contact my sister who would explain a good time. Then put my sister in charge of being fierce on my behalf.

Would one of your husband's siblings do that for you?

I don’t know, you pick 🤷🏻‍♀️

• because they’ve just ( most likely) gone through the biggest medical event of their lives and don’t feel like having visitors whilst recovering?
• feel weepy/emotional due to biggest hormonal change of their life, and don’t fancy sharing space with anyone whilst in that state?
• are heavily sleep deprived
• have a newborn they feel very protective of

I could go on and on…
In the end it doesn’t matter. Their baby, their choice, their boundaries.
You ( grandparents, family etc) don’t need to like it. You just need to respect it

My mother had us in the 60s.
If you didn’t own your own house/ flat you had to give birth in hospital and you stayed for about a week as it was assumed you needed support as you were a renter.? weird I know maybe it was to do with the shared bathroom facilities.
They bought their house a week before I was born in 66 so as they were homeowners I was born at home s that was the norm. So there was no rest then especially as dips didn’t get any time off unless the6 took it as holiday.

I have no idea why things changed with such a long hospital stay in the 80s but home births started to be almost exclusively considered dangerous and I had to fight in 2000 to have one.

Were you there? You have no idea of the circumstances in which a doctor might advise this.

Everyone's different - no one size fits all.

OP doesn't want to keep new GP's etc away. The people she was referring to are extended family members, like cousins, who she has hasn't seen in years.

Given everything you have said about the birth and how you are feeling now, @coconean, I think you are being very sensible to put off having visitors until you are feeling a bit better. Your recovery matters more than visitors, right now.

Can I suggest that you or your dh sends out a message to all those who are nagging for visits, laying out bluntly how rough the birth was, and how ill you are feeling, and telling them you are not fit enough for visitors, but will let them know when you are - and in the interim, maybe your dh could send them lots of pictures and videos of the baby. I know it isn’t the same as holding/seeing the baby, but might be enough, with the message about your health, to keep them off your back for the moment.

Thanks to the kind posters.

My two siblings have taken the funnies after again offering to drive up to see me with OF and brood of kids.

They are not the type of people to offer to help, they will come, leave a mess and expect me or DP to tidy up as that is what has happened in the past.

My siblings dont ever invite me to their houses so I am not being weird for not wanting to come to mine.

I have never been invited to any of their kids birthday parties but they feel so entitled to meet my son for some reason when we arent even close.

My parents are the only people who offered to help and have even advised me not to invite the siblings as they know how they like to leave a mess in people's houses and its not fair for me or my DP to be tidying up after them when I have a newborn.

It is getting to the stage where its bullying as my brother told my mum that he feels as if I will keep my son away and he will miss out on him growing up.
Just to add my brother is a bully and terrorised me in my teens.

Even again today both siblings just text me to invite themselves over which I find so rude given how ill I feel.

This isn’t hard. It’s about autonomy - a postpartum mum’s right to set boundaries / give consent.

As individuals, we are the best judge re when to raise or lower our boundaries. There is no ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ way.

However, mums who decide they need quiet recovery time don’t need melodramatic gaslighting.

@OOBetty by why should one have to? Remove yourself? The most comfortable place for me to breastfeed was in my front room on the sofa or on the rocking chair. Our bed is too high and unsupportive for me to breastfeed on.

Why should I have to remove myself an go and hole up alone in the bedroom to breastfeed where I am uncomfortable? For the sake of other people?

I struggle with breastfeeding the first few weeks and contorted myself into all kinds of positions to try and keep baby latched. My back still hurts because of it.

I tried to fanny about with a shawl but it either kept slipping off or I couldn't see what was going on underneath.

Once I did remove myself from the room reluctantly as I didn't want my tits out in front of my father in law and various others. And someone followed me in and stared at my baby breastfeeding upon my boob! How fucking intrusive!

I'd send one final stern message then ignore them all.

Entitled rude fucks.