To explode at family pressuring to see newborn?

[coconean]

I have a newborn and not had the best birth and have been quite poorly.

I have explained to family several times now when I am ready I will let them know.
Quite a few of family members have complained of fevers, flu etc so for obvious reasons im keeping my distance.

Nobody seems to be respecting what I am saying and keep bombarding me with texts, like let me enjoy my baby!

I feel ready to explode, I didnt do this when they had babies and left them to it until they were ready and just want the same respect.

In my experience people are v desperate to see babies when they are born, and then generally lose interest regardless.

I was amazed at all the random people that came out of the woodwork around my due date to want to know if I’d had the baby yet.

Also - not a single person asked about me. I always make sure to ask about the new mother now - she seems to get forgotten in the excitement about the baby, despite probably having just been through the biggest medical event of her life.

I think the point the other poster was trying to make was that your experience is not universal and that it's not right to compare it to OP's situation. It's completely irrelevant. That's what they said is dangerous, the assumptions that 'all women' must be happy to have visitors on day one because 'some women' were happy to.

If you think you are getting piled on by the few responses to you, spare a thought for OP who has had multiple people call her precious, OTT and worse because she has a different perspective, experience and need than they did.

The only thing I really disagree with here, is that whatever visitors you do or don't have, you will still bond with your baby unless possible PND

You don't need a solid week/month to do that. If you want that time on your own that's up to you but you will bond anyway

I would send either one of these 2 messages

No fuck off I will let you know when we are ready as right now I feel like shit

Or

More then happy for you to come round. The hoovering really needs to be done and the pile of dishes in the sink would be great. As you know iv been very ill and a traumatic birth so yes help would be appreciated and bonus you can see the baby afterwards (no kissing though).

I had the same issue when I had my 1st and had to put my foot down with my 2nd i just ignored people until I was ready.

Hope you are feeling better soon, don't let them push you around your health and the babies health is more important then them seeing the baby x

Another of these sad threads.
Why must women always fight for their right to their own boundaries?
Some people find it very difficult to accept that the post partum period is absolutely all about the mother and baby - their health/safety/feelings are paramount.
It's not about what everyone else wants at this time and this should be so glaringly obvious that a quick text saying that you are unwell, need to rest, hope to see them when better should be the end of it.
If you need to explode, then explode. There's only so much asking nicely you can do when people will not listen nicely.

I think 'dangerous' is a bit extreme

I think we do put pressure on new parents but by 'over-dramatising' to a degree.

If it's been a straightforward birth (and the OP's obviously wasn't) then all this hunkering down (imo) is over the top.

It's your family, do what you want to do. But it's a normal part of life.

Honestly? I think you need to get over yourself. Absolutely fine to ask people not to come if they’re unwell, but otherwise for heaven’s sake let them meet the baby!
My DD was born premature and with a surprise disability. She spent her first month in hospital. Even so, family saw her on her first day, and I’m so glad they did. We now have some happy pictures to look back on from what was, in retrospect, a very confusing and frightening time.

At the end of the day OP, you need to do what is right for you, the baby and DH. But just bear in mind that the extended family are really keen to meet the new arrival, and that enthusiasm is not necessarily malevolent. If you are overly combative and rigid now, you might set a precedent that limits wider relationships with your baby and reduces the potential help you might be offered if you are overly prickly.

Perhaps consider accepting short visits from close family at times that suit you, but have your partner reply on your behalf to explain the situation. Be crystal clear but try (as hard as it feels) to be polite and reasonable.

Congratulations on the new arrival! Navigating this can be difficult as you get all these things drilled in to you about wider family being the enemy, partners need to be gatekeepers. It can get a bit OTT, but you, baby and partner are the priority.

I'm not piling on the Op at all
I merely gave a different point of view then said her choice, it was up to her. The tone from some pp's is one of fury, "How dare you have a different birth experience and post birth experience to me", which is just sad. I wrongly misread the theme of the thread but I see people who wanted to see family soon after birth are not welcome. Only stories to mirror Op's thoughts, to cement her own experiences, to tell her she's right are wanted. I was only show another way. I also won't buy into the idea that my sharing my experiences is dangerous because as I say no woman on here is going to change her views because of me. I could equally argue it is dangerous to encourage women to shut themselves away from the world after birth when they could be struggling or have pnd need family support more than ever. Well, everyone just crack on telling Op what she wants to hear.

Because apparently this is the highest form of narcissism according to @Golden407

When actually it's the highest form of internalised misogyny.

It would be hellish by the end for anyone normal. It's effectively 3 months of social deprivation.

Do people really tell members of their family to fuck off? I don’t know anyone who does that? If you’re recovering at home, don’t t send shitty rude messages-tell people you’ll let them know and then stop checking messages.

Blimey - The Punishers, revving up competitively on this thread. It’s about individual capacity, not a f*cking competition!

Trust your judgment, OP, just as the mums who were ok with early-days visitors trusted theirs.

If ever there’s a time to be tuned-in it’s now. Your body and your baby are the centre of the universe in this precious moment 💫

I can understand the feeling of wanting to explode. You are getting used to newborn life, which is unrelenting and family members are often just that bit too perky and shrill during that time. I understand completely that they are excited, but it can be so overwhelming if you aren't feeling well in yourself. Maybe try and have a short walk once a day (with or without baby) to get out of the house whilst your relatives outstay their welcome 😁 Definitely don't let in sick relatives, your immune system is still recovering and it adds insult to injury if you are healing from the trauma of birth and someone comes along and infects you with germs.

This x 100
🙌🏻🙌🏻🙌🏻

I had a terrible time with my first and then the twins.
I wouldn’t have wanted people staying over but I wouldn’t have refused a visit.

If you’re not feeling up to the visit yourself why not just let dp show of your baby and you can rest in bed. You don’t have to be the host if you’re not up to it but it’s nice that family members are keen to see their new addition to the family.

The argument that you'd better put your needs aside and have them all trailing through your home in case they decide they don't care about your or your baby later is interesting.

1. If they really cared then they would listen to what you are saying in the first place.
2. The chances are they won't be around in the long run anyway as OP hasn't seen some of these people for years!

I was railroaded after DS1 and some people who rushed to my bedside on day one to get their photo for social media have seem him a handful of times since. He's nearly 5. It absolutely wasn't worth my discomfort as a new mum. The people who care will still care when OP is feeling better. The problem will take care of itself IMO.

Absolutely
MN is supposed to be a forum for discussion and as such people will have different views and all are worthy.
I particularly agree with your comment on not shutting yourself away from the world and how dangerous this can be.
From my own experience after having the twins I hardly left the house for ages until my neighbour came in and practically threw me out to get some me time. It changed my whole perspective and positivity and I will be forever indebted to her.

My doctor recommend giving yourselves 6-8 weeks to adjust before accepting visitors. Both as a doctor and a Mum of 3 herself
I suspect she was speaking more as a mum, and one who doesn’t like her relatives😅 As with others, the kids love looking at baby photos, each with a gp holding them (sadly some weren’t there with the younger two as they’d passed)

Would you say something like that to someone recovering from an operation and not wanting to see anyone?
How come visitors wishes trump Mother’s preferences?

You have this all wrong.

Invite them all on the same day, slightly differing times. When they come round, say you are busy feeding baby, so as soon as they say 'is there anything I can do to help?' ask them to make the tea/coffee, do the washing up, prepare lunch, make soup, peel potatoes for dinner, do the hoovering, clean the downstairs loo, change the bed and put the laundry on or whatever chores you need. There's nothing else for them to do so I promise you they will oblige.

Obviously, when the next lot of people arrive, or the ones after, then the first lot will feel crowded make their excuses and leave. Meanwhile you get all your food/drinks prepared and your house cleaned, kitchen tidied laundry done etc, and you get shot of all your visitors in one day. Yes sure it's a tad tiring to be cheerful for a few hours but once done it's done and you get all the chores done for you, and they get to see the baby albeit briefly

Then have no visitors again the next day, gets it all done in one hit. I promise this works, I didn't believe it but my lovely PA of the job I was in on 1st Mat Leave told me to do this and she was absolutely right.

With colds and flus this time of year, I'd be keeping them at a distance until at least March! At the end of the day, the people that truly love you will respect your wishes.

Ariela AI gobbledygook

Fully agree with you.
We are above using use that sort of foul language in our family but if anyone told us that they could stick their visits and interest in their lives, and not expect any attention, presents, future childminding too.

Send a group text to everyone explaining your health situation and that you are wanting time alone to recover and that baby will not meet any more people until she has had her first immunisation shots.

There are flus about so you are happy to post photos on Tiny Beans. Setup an account, join family and friends and put a picture on there every few days.
Ask people not to be offended when you do not open the door nor respond to texts the same day.

Set up a cosy nest at home, fend for yourself and make contact with the outside World when you are ready.
Do keep a list of those who send flowers and gifts so that you can send thank you notes.

It is not unreasonable for just closest (very well) friends and the grandparents and perhaps a night nurse to see babies before they are six weeks old.